Just Can’t

 

I was trolling my Facebook as usual and as usual I listen to every son posted as I adore all types of music. This song I clicked and it scared the shit out of me. What if I meet up with this friend and find out he’s involved with someone else?

Damn, I do not want to be in the middle of hurting anyone, no that scares me as I am not wanting to harm anyone. If things aren’t good enough for him and her, where the hell am I going to be? I do not want my heart to be an innocent victim.

I do not want pain to be brought on another by me, so now I am really hoping we just don’t hit it of so well. Maybe just keep it friends and no more until I am sure that there is nobody in his back pocket, asking me to go against that is something I cannot do.

Don’t ask me where I got the morals from because they sure didn’t come from my momma but I believe God has given me strong morals and ethics to help fight the adversity that has been in my life. I am quite fortunate as most people do not know what morals or ethics really are.

Hmmmmm

I am starting to get a following on my blog, which beats the hell out of me why as my life is as exciting as a wet fart after making love to someone for the first time. Speaking of wet farts, I just got my first colonoscopy, ya I know should have had it at fifty but hell fifty=almost=three isn’t bad at all either.

My dad passed away in January of colon cancer and it really shocked me as I thought he had more sense but then he’s was a man, right? Men don’t do sick very well if at all, they will suffer right up to the bitter end before they will get help. Forget those should be check ups. 

Let me give you a play by play on the day before the colonoscopy, please do not be eating when you read this unless the color brown overly excites you. You cannot eat the day before so they tell you, well dumbass me ate a tuna sandwich and let me tell you.

Have you seen the exorcist? Well just think of Linda Blair’s mouth below your waste as your body rejects you totally and you shit yourself all the way to the bathroom. Suggestion, get tv, playboys whatever and stay in the bathroom if you have carpeting.

Fortunately for me, I have wood and tile and I also have a rectum that has projectile capacity and skill as I it flew out of my lower cavity and landed quite nicely and artistically onto the bathroom wall, this is when a steamer comes in quite handy, thank you.

Then you get to shit most of the night, I had to wake up at 4 a.m. to finish drinking the stuff, which isn’t bad if you get the large bottle of lemonade Gatorade. Then you have take two more pills and yes, yes the rectum waltz starts all over again.

By the time you get to the hospital, o ya forgot to tell you, they put you under so do not enjoy it so much you become overly occupied with sex with the rear. I know that was tasteless, lol but gotta tell ya, I asked the nurse if I was good to go for anal sex and I though she would drop her teeth.

My daughter had to tell her I was kidding, she was literally speechless, how I get a kick out of messing with me in a funny way. I never tease maliciously, hell that isn’t any fun, most people are already down, why kick them? 
The doc found one polyp and I find out on the 27th if it was cancerous.

Sorry to depress all of you but no it isn’t cancerous because I am just to damn mean to die and leave my kids to themselves. Hell no, I’m going to be around a long time and make their lives a living hell and see how they like it, no I love the little brats 🙂

Mr. Sandman

I have been feeling very uneasy the last four or five days and it’s because of the “trip” and how uncomfortable I have been feeling. I have been wanting and needing to get away from my life and just leaving it like a snake sheds it’s skin.

That is what I am doing now that I am feeling better that a “friend” is going to meet me in NY. I really like him and he and I get along so well when we chat. I need to be held first and foremost and just need to feel a bit of affection, real or not.

It’s been so long since I have had a man’s arms around me and it is time to feel it again. Bob has been gone sixteen months and they have been very long months. I have had many reminders of his death when I moved the bedroom around and the blood was on the walls.

I cleaned the furniture and more blood as well as on the floor, I do not know who it was worse for him or I but it killed us both never the less. Going thru a divorce to get back together and three days later finding out your spouse has a month to live, well that is hard damn hard.

I can honestly say I am sad at this very moment thinking back to him the hospital bed and the leukemia taking over his body and him throwing up the blood and packing his nose with wet tea bags to help stop the bleeding. I didn’t know a thing about leukemia or platelets but I learned damned quick, no platelets nothing to hold your blood together and you bleed out.

The kids refused to go into the bedroom when the third week came and he could barely get out of bed with my help. Damn, it really hurts to remember those days as I did what I had to do and didn’t think twice about it as I one day ran into the next.

The kids knew the end was coming but just couldn’t bring themselves to see their dad and my step daughters, well I had to fucking beg them, literally in tears begging them to come see him even though that hadn’t spoken in a decade he needed to clear up some things.

Same with Kay is second x-wife, I had her come as well, surely not for me but for the both of them as they had children together, spent their youth together and had a life together. She had every right to see him and I am glad she came to the funeral as well.

I am no hero, I am no one special but I can see beyond myself and my needs and no people do not treat you like they would like to be treated. Does that matter? No it does not because I have to live with me and no one else has to and God is my leader even though you would never think so.

I have learned much about pain and injustice and I am not going to do what others have done to me, I do not need to stoop that low and never will. I am very spiritual and have learned to do what is best for me so I pave my own way.

People can’t believe I went out of my way to get Bob’s kids and x-wife here to see him but the truth is I was lead down that road and did the “right” thing for me. Trust me, if I were Bob and he had been me he would have never made the calls.

But isn’t that Kimberly? Always Kimberly thinking of others, doing for others, wanting to be treated the way she treats others. Well, guess the fuck what? Others are not like Kimberly and that is ok because that is what makes me, me.

I probably appear like a stupid fool to you but I don’t care because I do not care what others think because if I did, I wouldn’t be living my life, I would be living a life for someone else. I have brought my grandmother home to die and was with her when she passed, my aunt died of legionairres, my brother was found dead, my husband died last April and my Dad passed in January.

I have lost my entire support system in the last five years and my mother and sister are just kind of out there somewhere. We really do not communicate and my sister and I talk because I have involved her in a legal dispute which will send money her way, and boy she loves green.

We didn’t talk for several years because she did a horrific thing but I had to reach out to her for reasons I do not care to get into at this point. I have had a whirlwind life the past several years, fighting like hell during a divorce that never happened was the beginning.

I fell for someone, yes I fell hard and no we never met or had any physical relationship but he showed me what it was like to feel cared for. No he didn’t care for me but scammed the hell out of me but I learned so much more from this one person than from anyone else I have ever known.

I left the marriage because I was so miserably unhappy and then we got back together, my step daughter called the state on me right after my husband passed because I was an emotional mess. The state took my kids, I got thrown in jail, my dogs were given away and the list goes on.

When you lose your kids that is hard but damn to take my dogs, my dogs got me through the divorce, the loneliness and emptiness, the saddest of times and the tears that never cease to stop flowing. I am putting this all behind me now and happy days are on their way.

Im going to NY and a “friend” is going to meet me, we have chatted for a very long time on and off and now we are going to meet. I look forward to adult conversation and just relaxing, my agenda is motel with kitchen, cook stay naked in bed eat, shower play around, get romantic and start all over again.

Fine, so call me a slut, I relish the name so thank you as I have not been with a man in years and it’s time, yes it’s about time to feel the arms of another, listen to their heart beat, feel the warmth of their body. It’s all sounds so damn wonderful I cannot wait for some R & R. Rest and Rape, yes a lady must be a whore in the bedroom and a great cook in the kitchen, hell at least I have one of them covered, literally lol, the bed, covered? get it. roflmao I’m such a stupid fuck sometimes

Where

Where are you? Why all the games? Do you want to meet me or not? Are you afraid and if so what of? I’m just about ready to get rid of all my computers so I can get you out of my life. You are hurting me and I have come quite a long way getting better.

Why do you want to make me get sick again? Is this your reason for existing? Please stop doing this either meet me or don’t please. Are we meant to be together or is this your way of killing boredom? I am a very good person and I do not need anyone playing with my mind.

Please be a stand up guy and either meet me or get out of my life, please now I am begging you

Unload

I woke up with more pain and didn’t sleep well as usual when it rains, yes it’s another day of rain and my hips and back are screaming in pain. I really do not like this at all and I am out of pain pills. My hips hurt worse then my back but that is always the case.

I cannot get motivated when it rains, nope can’t get shit done and I am always thinking about “him”. He taught me never to take people at face value, look behind them and check out who they are. He has been a million different men on the internet, all professing to want to know me.

The internet has opened up an entire new world for so many of us and we are now searching for our “soul mate” online. Why isn’t there just a soul mate connection? He hides himself on the internet and I have no idea why he must be such a mystery.

It’s scary in many ways meeting someone on the net, my son almost got caught up in a pedophile situation thank goodness, “he” had taught me so much that I was able to stop a situation that could have ended up catastrophic for my son as well as myself.

Why am I wanting to meet this person? Well, curiosity of course and I am so hoping he is my angel, my soul mate. My luck he is some famous asshole that is used to getting everything he has ever desired and I am obviously one of those things.

You can not make me dance to the riches of this world as I am a very simple person, that prefers simple things and my only indulgence is traveling. I do love to travel but haven’t in so long and I need a rest, a real rest,  just because I am retired doesn’t mean that I am not over burdened and under loved.

My husband tried to change me and you see where he is? Dead, yes he died and left me a mess to clean up but that was always his way. He wasn’t a bad man, no he just wanted to me noticed and accounted for unlike me.

I’m not into being noticed, in fact a room of two people you wouldn’t even notice me as I just blend into the environment. I am not special, not gifted and talented like so many others but I do have my gifts and talents in places that people no longer care about.

I’m reliable, dependable, I love to cook and bake and take care of my family, that is my way the way I was taught by my grandmother’s. They taught me about food, food is the key to so many events and good food, food made from scratch is the best.

I like to take care of my man and that included my husband, I took very good care of him and hated myself for the longest time for not keeping him alive one more time. I had fought for his life so many times but the leukemia beat me this time.

I was the one that kept the family together and when he died I died as well. I was lost in the forest and couldn’t find my way out. My mind was boggled with the thought he had spent every dime I had saved and he had left a shit load of bills that I was responsible for.

He robbed me of my dream, a happy marriage and family, yes I got the family but it wasn’t easy. I had to practically tie his ass down to get pregnant with my son. He didn’t have a sex drive, or let’s just say it was in hibernation most of our marriage.

No, I never cheated on him but became quite friendly with the jets in my bathtub and forgot about him. He was always in and out of the hospital since 2003 and I was always there fighting for him. I was in a one person relationship and it sucked.

We never did anything together and I mean anything, we rarely went out to dinner and never went to the show, we went on vacation that I planned of course and he ruined that for us as well. He was selfish in many ways but he was a kind person as well.

I want to marry again because that is where I thrive and grow but I am in no hurry to get involved as that is scary to me. People leave, they die, they cheat they are not honest, they are greedy and want want want. My wants are so simple you cannot find them in any store.

I am rambling again I know but that is how I work and how I relieve myself of things that bother me or hurt me. I miss my husband but he is in my past and I am ready to be loved, really loved like two people are suppose to be, simply in love and enjoying life together.

The Provider

I watched my mother work since she was very young with three kids and I can remember her always talking poorly about my dad. We became “Let’s Make A Deal” in divorce court when it came to child support, hell they got down to the half dollar.

We were worth twenty three dollars and fifty cents a week per kid, now doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fucking fuzzy? She hated my dad but sure didn’t mind his sperm to knock her up and get her out of the house.

I guess a couple more kids added to the mix was exactly what she needed as I walked around in a urine soaked diaper and my aunt took care of me and my siblings. Some women should trade in their wombs for a new corvette and forget the baby making process.

My mother set the example for me that using your womb into marriage is like becoming a stripper because you have a male member. I despise women that get knocked up to get married or to keep their marriage together, so many women do that and it is nauseating.

Hell, I got knocked up at 34 and he was shown the door like yesterday as I did not need him, I had a great paying job, cars, home, businesses and money in the bank. He had shit, literally shit and a pocket full of would be miracles.

I am not the easiest woman to live with but I do not like being tricked into marriage and that is what he fucking did to me. I was on the pill and told him use a condom but nooooo. I should have stopped it right then and there but damn I hadn’t had sex in over a year before him.

He knew what he was doing and he knew he didn’t have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of and I had it all. Ya I straightened him out financially and he straightened me out in ignorance, I now have a list of questions and I want proof now days.

If you owe everyone fine, be honest I can deal with that but to lie about how many kids you have, your bills ect. is so fucked up and I will never marry again without all the cards on the table including my own. I’m self sufficient and I like it that way and I am sure he will too.

Sleep

Sleep

I have been so tired lately, the rain does it every time and it’s been three days. I have no desire to get out of bed and look forward to going back to bed around 8 p.m. I’m not depressed no I am just tired, very tired and stressed.

I just need to get through this week and things will brighten considerably as I will have slain a few dragons. I went to counseling today and it bothered me, it bothered me a lot when my son told me that it really hurt him and Shel when I said they don’t need me.

He says they don’t need me but want me and that was quite startling to me that someone actually wanted me. I know that says a lot about my self esteem but when you are never wanted and the best part of you was left on the bed then you do have bouts of the “downers’.

My husband never wanted me, not really he just wanted another mother to make life easy for him. The kids, well those were my idea of course and to hear they want me, well that fucks with my mind quite a bit. Barbara also asked who was “Kimberly” and my stock answer is ” I DO NOT KNOW”.

Does anyone really know who they are? We are suppose to wear so many faces for so many people, when do we wear our face for ourselves? I don’t know if I will ever know who I am but that really isn’t important as those around me know who I am to them.

I hold a powerful position, I am a mother and there is no power stronger then that for a mortal. We are the keepers of the world, the producers of youth, the leaders of life. I know, I lost my damn manual when the kids were born, son of a bitch is no doubt stuck up in a fallopian tube.

I have done the best I could most of the times and yes I have been the proverbial “shitty” parent as well. My children were born as adults, no I never cooed them or treated them like anything but miniature adults. I have let them learn the hard way and one a good day a real good day they actually listen to me.

I gave birth to them not ownership and I have let them find their way in life with my guidance. Children are not possessions, they are not to live our fallen lives through, they are not to live the dreams we were to afraid to go after.

Our children are us, they are the good, the bad and the indifferent in each one of us. I was raised in one of the worse environments known to man, a mentally ill mother that was excessively physically and verbally abusive. I have been asked by my counselor to write a forgiveness letter to my mother.

I do not have to send it and I would not as I have not fully forgiven her for what she has robbed  my life of. I have to forgive her within myself because I am giving her free rent and board and I cannot keep living with such anger towards another as it affects me.

I’m not on a pity pounder by any means, I’m just trying to work this all out in my head and dissect

the questions that need to be asked, peace, just some peace please.