Have you ever been in an old farm house where there was a cellar and the cellar door took all your force to open and creaked loudly as you pulled the door open? Well that is the definition of the placement of my heart at this time.
It’s that stuck door that creaks when the right person opens it and the creaking eventually gets oiled and the door opens so much easier. That is the only way I can express my deeper most feelings as I am ready to get involved with someone but it isn’t that easy just to lay my heart out there.
I so want to enjoy life with another but everyone seems to be licking their own wounds including myself and I have come a long way but can he handle being with a widow? My children coming first and foremost? Can he handle the occasional tears that will flow when a passing memory pops into my head.
Is it wrong for me to feel sadness yet be happy with another? There is so much commitment even after death and it takes awhile to let all of the pain go but I’m doing a good job and opening up to another, letting them in and sharing life together.
The death of a marriage comes in two forms, physical death of a partner or divorce and neither is easy for anyone. The difference is you are dealing with a physical death on top the the death of the marriage, you lost a way of life as well as a person.
Everyone needs to heal and you do reach a point where you are able to let someone sneak into your dreams and then slowly your body starts to respond again to sexual excitement and then finally the brain needs to be fed by another adult.
You finally reach the point that you do want companionship again, someone to wake up to, someone to share life with, someone to make new memories with, a new life and a new way altogether. Relationships are not all the same and because my first marriage was a let down has only made me believe even stronger that the next one if there is one will be exactly what I have always wanted.
We marry for so many different reasons and we marry in youth because we think “this is it” we have our life partner but we find that as we grow, have children we change and we do change and grow apart, which is not what we signed up for but happens none the less.
Me, I married out of “duty” to my unborn child as I felt it was important to raise a child with two parents, no money was not an issue in fact quite the opposite. I just didn’t want my child raised without a father like I was and I liked him.
Some may say “you liked him”? WTF? Well, I believe a relationship has to begin first with liking each other as people, as the person we are, who and what we are. There has to be a friendship first or forget it and I was friends with my husband.
Today, Ry and I went to the cemetery because I had to pick up the thumbie I had made for my daughter. They take a thumbprint of the deceased and you can get a charm made with the thumb print. I had one made for Shelby with her dates d.o.b her d.o.b. and then the date of his death.
It was done that way to represent that between my husband’s life and death he left the world with my daughter and that she will always be protected by him. I was just thinking about her getting married and if I should dress one half of my body in a tux and the other side in a mother of the bride dress.
You know, I could be both mom and dad, depending on which side of her I stood, lol ya I’m an asshole I already know that. I just try to look at a special occasion with some humor but I know I will cry like a baby when I see her getting married.
Don’t tell me either I’m not loosing her I’m gaining a son, no way I do not want to consider him that close to the family if it’s the guy she is with now. Well, I won’t go there but she has to much going for him and I hate to see her with someone mentally below her.
We had counseling together today and she hates going but to bad and I think it will be good for all of us because it is difficult for Shelby to talk about her feelings. She’s a typical Capricorn at the top she is very determined and focused, very mature and beautiful.
It is my time to be happy, really happy and enjoy life with someone else, yes it is frightening but being alone forever is not something that would enhance my life. I just want to be silly and laugh, moon cars, eat ice cream, have random sex in a restaurant bathroom, share a hot dog and a coke, making out and getting felt up on the side of a building.
Ya, it’s called being a kid again, it’s called doing what you have always wanted to do and enjoy the hell out of yourself doing. Sharing those moments with another that will just look at you like you are nuts and laugh themselves silly.
LIFE BEGINS AT MIDNIGHT, LET’S GET WILD AND DO SOMETHING CRAZY!