A Little Bit Crazy

Yes, that is how people define me but they tend to leave out the little bit and go straight to crazy, my friends and I are always laughing because I am the true asshole that you look at when you’re in a restaurant in a bad mood and say “what the fuck is she so damn happy about?”.

Ya I do crazy shit but that’s me, if I gotta pee, I’m peeing right where I stand, like I did when I was maid of honor for a friend. Her dad and I were pounding down seven and sevens and I had to pee really bad so I was heading out to my car to grab some smokes and got caught in “mill traffic”.

The guys/gals working the midnight shift at the steelmill, well I was stuck in the middle of the road and that was all she wrote. I lifted my dress slightly, spread my legs and peed for like five minutes and yes, it felt good damn good. 

The pantyhose were removed and the shoes were emptied of my sterile body fluids that were no longer sterile. Yes, my girlfriend laughed until she peed herself, so you see everyone had a good time and that’s how I am when I go out.

I’m crazy, free, silly, embarrassing, lovable, wild, insane, a leader into trouble, yes that is me and I will not apologize for my unacceptable behavior as I kind of like it and so do my friends and kids. I like to laugh in fact I like to laugh a lot.

You have to love to be a kid and be yourself if you want to hang with this one here because I can’t deal with depressed and downer people who will never laugh at themselves and can find not one ounce of joy in life, hey I have been there and I am not wanting to go back.

If you’re depressed then I am your solution as I will make you laugh yourself sick, especially if you are really down. I got what ails ya babe and I am so looking forward to fun fun fun and maybe more fun. I am feeling great and giddy, which is all good with me.

When I Think

When I think of 


I catch my 


I cannot breath without


When I dream of 


I smile in my


You are my


You make me


Your smile is 


Your lips so


Without you I  could not


You are my


I want to touch you so 


To smell your


Run my fingers through your


Lean on your


Feel your


Your touch and your


I want to kiss 


Share with 


A life for 


And only


Now drop your

Pants, lol


Have you ever been in an old farm house where there was a cellar and the cellar door took all your force to open and creaked loudly as you pulled the door open? Well that is the definition of the placement of my heart at this time.

It’s that stuck door that creaks when the right person opens it and the creaking eventually gets oiled and the door opens so much easier. That is the only way I can express my deeper most feelings as I am ready to get involved with someone but it isn’t that easy just to lay my heart out there.

I so want to enjoy life with another but everyone seems to be licking their own wounds including myself and I have come a long way but can he handle being with a widow? My children coming first and foremost? Can he handle the occasional tears that will flow when a passing memory pops into my head.

Is it wrong for me to feel sadness yet be happy with another? There is so much commitment even after death and it takes awhile to let all of the pain go but I’m doing a good job and opening up to another, letting them in and sharing life together.

The death of a marriage comes in two forms, physical death of a partner or divorce and neither is easy for anyone. The difference is you are dealing with a physical death on top the the death of the marriage, you lost a way of life as well as a person.

Everyone needs to heal and you do reach a point where you are able to let someone sneak into your dreams and then slowly your body starts to respond again to sexual excitement and then finally the brain needs to be fed by another adult.

You finally reach the point that you do want companionship again, someone to wake up to, someone to share life with, someone to make new memories with, a new life and a new way altogether. Relationships are not all the same and because my first marriage was a let down has only made me believe even stronger that the next one if there is one will be exactly what I have always wanted.

We marry for so many different reasons and we marry in youth because we think “this is it” we have our life partner but we find that as we grow, have children we change and we do change and grow apart, which is not what we signed up for but happens none the less.

Me, I married out of “duty” to my unborn child as I felt it was important to raise a child with two parents, no money was not an issue in fact quite the opposite. I just didn’t want my child raised without a father like I was and I liked him.

Some may say “you liked him”? WTF? Well, I believe a relationship has to begin first with liking each other as people, as the person we are, who and what we are. There has to be a friendship first or forget it and I was friends with my husband.

Today, Ry and I went to the cemetery because I had to pick up the thumbie I had made for my daughter. They take a thumbprint of the deceased and you can get a charm made with the thumb print. I had one made for Shelby with her dates d.o.b her d.o.b. and then the date of his death.

It was done that way to represent that between my husband’s life and death he left the world with my daughter and that she will always be protected by him. I was just thinking about her getting married and if I should dress one half of my body in a tux and the other side in a mother of the bride dress. 

You know, I could be both mom and dad, depending on which side of her I stood, lol ya I’m an asshole I already know that. I just try to look at a special occasion with some humor but I know I will cry like a baby when I see her getting married.

Don’t tell me either I’m not loosing her I’m gaining a son, no way I do not want to consider him that close to the family if it’s the guy she is with now. Well, I won’t go there but she has to much going for him and I hate to see her with someone mentally below her.

We had counseling together today and she hates going but to bad and I think it will be good for all of us because it is difficult for Shelby to talk about her feelings. She’s a typical Capricorn at the top she is very determined and focused, very mature and beautiful.

It is my time to be happy, really happy and enjoy life with someone else, yes it is frightening but being alone forever is not something that would enhance my life. I just want to be silly and laugh, moon cars, eat ice cream, have random sex in a restaurant bathroom, share a hot dog and a coke, making out and getting felt up on the side of a building.

Ya, it’s called being a kid again, it’s called doing what you have always wanted to do and enjoy the hell out of yourself doing. Sharing those moments with another that will just look at you like you are nuts and laugh themselves silly.



Is There?

I have always wondered if two people can meet and fall absolutely head over heels in love in a week? Does that shit really happen or have I watched to many movies in my time? I have this feeling I a may be headed into a relationship that is labeled as above.

To be honest, I have no clue how I would answer the question if someone wanted to marry me that quickly. I do not know what to think seriously but I do not think I would say no, but possibly yes but want an adequate time period to really see if what we feel is more than lust.

I have the type of personality that men fall in love with instantly or they hate me as quickly, the ones that hate me are the ones that have acted like an asshole and I just had to tell him. I do have problems with men, they fall head over heels in love with me and I have not an idea why.

I am not kidding, men just love the shit out of me and yes it can be fun but also quite annoying. I have story upon story of men hitting on me and even a good friend of mine, her husband tried to dry fuck me anal in his kitchen.

Like I told her? No fucking way, if she didn’t know that he fucked around I sure wasn’t going to be the daily gazette. He was an asshole to and repulsive as if I would even think about picking my teeth with that bone, no way.

They are the typical married couple, do not talk, go out or do anything together, she stays drunk and he stays in the garage, lovely. Not my type of marriage but I can so relate but will never settle for less again because you know what? I do not fucking have to that’s right, no I do not.

I am thinking it might be the blind leading the blind here, who knows we may find each other to be quite helpful in finding ourselves, who knows but if nothing else it will be fun and interesting and I am looking forward to it, yes I am scared but hey that never stopped me before.






Sadness crosses my


When I think of


I should be with 


And we should be


We are one 

This is true

You may not know it


But you sure will


We are meant for each


There is no longer


So shut the fuck 


And sit right 


And let’s be


And let’s be


Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

Do Pinks and Purples Blend?

It’s the end of the season and the kids and I went to the rv as it is time to close up soon, so we took the seventy mile drive and did a few things and came home. I really love it there as I look across the “road” to an empty field

The clover sways in the breeze and the other assorted weeds and flowers color the field of pink and purples. The blue birds dot the sky and the clouds take on shapes of animals, it was a lovely day and I know it was hard for the kids.

I just realized I am going on vacation the date of Bob’s sixteen month passing and I will not think of it again as I am working to hard to move on and I will not let myself fall back. The kids where melancholy at the rv and they mentioned their dad a lot.

The things they did together, or so they remember and I let them have all the fond memories they want as it does give them some comfort. I enjoyed the break and being with the kids is always a grin but I like to see them be nice to each other and they were.

I’m really looking forward to getting away and just relaxing because I sure need it and I am so looking forward to having no pressure, just good times and laughs. I must admit I am nervous to finally spend time with a man but I am so ready for it.

As far as a committment or anything like that well you have to play it by ear and just let things flow and see how things go. I have no doubt we will have fun because I like him, I like talking to him he has an “air” about him he is subtle, there’s a quiet within him and I like that.

He is self assured but no overly confident, in fact quite the opposite he goes after what he wants and he really expects to get what he wants and he does, but me well I am a puzzle to him and I have no clue why. I don’t know what he wants to know but hey I’m not that hard to figure out, or am I?

Of course, I am a contradiction of emotions and thoughts, I mean really what did you expect me to say? That I make perfect sense all the time? Not likely, hell I confuse myself regularly and yes I am a stupid shit but I laugh at myself when most can’t.

I want to experience NY with a looseness, no confines, restrictions or demands, I want to just be, enjoy life, the days and nights.I will enjoy my company and that goes without saying, he’s just a nice guy what else can I say.

I feel safe when I am chatting with him which is so odd but he makes me feel “quiet” inside and that is good, very good for me. I can play lazy so damn well that I cannot wait to get on that plane and escape from this dead town.

I really want companionship so bad and actually having an intelligent conversation with an adult, well hell what do you call that anyway? When someone you have a conversation with really grabs your attention and keeps it? I don’t know but that is what happens when we chat.

I was going to meet someone else but things didn’t feel right so I blew that one off and lucky for me I just got contacted by my friend. We have been planning to