Build Up/Splatter

I have built up in my mind a perfect week, a perfect week coming up just my week, me alone with no worries. I get on the plane and as usual I am thinking of him and the anticipation and excitement have gotten me so turned on I can do nothing but bring out my little buddy.

I pleasure myself, yes right there in my seat as no one is sitting next to me and I just happen to have on my standard attire, a summer dress with no panties on. I rest my head back after having a wonderfully pleasing orgasm that required me to stifle myself with pleasure.

I lean my head back and close my eyes, wondering who is this masked crusader that I am meeting? Is he fucking superman in a leotard, please no, is he the obvious BatMan? O my could he even be one of those terrible little ugly teletubbies?

As I am lost in thought, I hear the landing gear lock into place and I feel us descend. I open my eyes and cannot wait to get off the plane as usual. I pick up the rental  car and my luggage and I head to the burbs to my motel with a kitchenette.

This girl loves to cook and stay naked and that is the majority of my agenda for the week. Cook, feed him, bathe him, talk with him, get stupid and silly and just hole up for a week and do not a damn thing but relax. Of course I’m pulling out my number love of lingerie and the naked body is a given but one must feel sexy and desirable and lingerie does just that.

I check in unpack, which I hate to do and I change clothes, like several hundred times because I’m so nervous. Should I stay in my sundress or dress in lingerie and take a nap? I end up taking a quick shower and putting back on my sundress and a clean pair of white lace boy short panties, just because I like the feel and they make me feel sexy.

You do not buy bananas without their peels now do you? Well, I am the banana and my lingerie is the peel. It’s comfortable, sexy, pretty and romantic but do I want him to think I’m an easy lay when the fact is I’m not below stooping to just taking some from him.

The biggest fear I have is I will be sitting there and never hear from him and that would so kill me but yes it would not surprise me if he stood me up. I have a plan b I assure you and that plan is to enjoy myself with or without him. 

It would be a dream come true to finally meet him and quiet all the questions but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen and that chapter of my life is completely over. No, we cannot be friends, no you do not get a second chance to hurt me, no there are no excuses.

I pray to God this doesn’t happen to me because I am afraid that it might just put me in a very bad mind set and I have fought for to long and to hard to get my illness under control. Please do not do that to me, please?

Barcoded

Everything has a bar code on because it’s an easier way to keep inventory and I even have a bar code but if you’re lucky you haven’t been “coded” yet. Have you ever seen the movie Solient Green? The Soilents or “food” for people came in different colors, fruits were orange, vegetables were yellow ect.

Soilent Green was made of all the people that had died and then fed to the living. Why am I even talking about this? Because that movie people were “coded” under their skin with a chip I think. When you go to the hospital you’re “coded”, everything you purchase is “coded”.

I know all of you are wondering what in the hell does this have to do with life? I was “coded” when I went to jail for two weeks. Had my own pretty wrist band with information about me and a lovely picture of myself without a shower for four days.

For those of you that are new followers, let me fill in a few blanks for you. My dad passed in January and the woman that lived with him has refused to hand over heirlooms from my family to myself and my sister. My dad had no one but us, we are his legal relatives, she is not.

When someone passes with or without a will paperwork has to be filed with the probate courts unless there is a trust. I got the paperwork, went into my dad’s house and got arrested on a felony charge. Yes, this is going to court and yes I am suing the police department.

My dad had a will and a trust and the cops refused to acknowledge my paperwork. They were pissed when they asked me if I thought they knew what they were doing and my answer was “no”. The probate judge is well versed where they were not and as cops go, they were the typical “asshole in control”.

They put the handcuffs on so tight I had no feeling in my thumb for like six weeks. They try to feed this shit from a vending machine and they are very uncomfortable around women prisoners. Everytime the came to talk to me I went over and peed, this was so embarrassing for them, not me though.

I figure it this way, the body is beautiful, and the body is a well oiled machine and food and liquids must be processed and eliminated. Why not make them feel uncomfortable? LOL, when you have kids you lose all modesty and I used that to my advantage.

I was arraigned over the tv and then hauled off to the county jail because I couldn’t remember anyone’s phone number to call. I have had two mini strokes and when under stress I can’t remember shit, hell I can’t remember shit anyway.

I’m such a criminal, they handcuffs my ankles as well and off the country we went. The thing about the county jail is the county doesn’t have any money and you do not get what you are entitled to, food, medical, ect. You are strip searched, clothes/belongings labeled and treated like cattle.

You want to stick your finger up my ass, fine have at and I wondered if the guard wasn’t enjoying my strip search just a little bit much. I don’t care how much you like ass, an ass that hasn’t been washed in days is one stinky ass. She actually lifted up my boobs to see if I was hiding drugs, lmao. I had on a tank top and some shorts and that was it, so it took no time for me to be done with the process.

I was the “grandma” on my block as everyone else was very young and all busted for drugs. Everyone is either a lawyer or a liar and the new kids always asking questions about what happens next, like I was a “lifer” or something.

I held some of these girls as they cried like babies and I tried to enlighten them on why they were there. I explained that this was their time to clean out the trash in their lives and start fresh but of course who wants to pay for their dirty deeds?

I have wondered about many things that have happened in my life that I did not feel was good for me, but then Bob lost his leg and things became quite clear. Yes, it was horrific he lost his leg, his job, benefits,ect but then when you look at the entire picture you see many colors of life. Yes there is black and that represents the anger we felt and then the colors turned into such beauty as the truth was revealed to me.

You cannot move forward in life unless you do some seriously cleaning and that is what happened. He lost his leg but we benefited in the end. If you look at every negative thing that has ever happened to your life you will find there is a positive that follows in time.

I have been in jail several times in the last four years but not once in my youth and I am finding that the economy has made people do things they normally would not do at my age. There are more and more people my age into drugs and stealing and it seems to be the way of this world.

The one thing I do think about is Bob dying and how I will eventually be with the person I am suppose to be with. I think I was suppose to be with Bob for specific reasons and now it’s time for me to find my “love” and enjoy the remainder of my life.

Of Me

I know this sounds strange but he is part of me, somehow someway he became part of who I am and he has helped shape me as a person. God has his ways of protecting each and everyone of us and I believe “he” has been sent to protect me.

Foolish thinking? Maybe and then maybe not, maybe a strong belief in goodness versus evil lies within me and “he” is the protector of my soul and the maker of my future. Do I love him, absolutely, unquestionably but the real question is “am I in love?”

Not so sure about that one and I probably am not but I do love him for who he has become in my life and how he has taught me so much, shaped my world and colored my dreams. He laughs at my naivety but he also knows that the innocence that is within me is rare and even I know that.

I have deliberately made him angry and jealous so he would know if he had feelings for me or not and if he didn’t he wouldn’t have felt neither emotion. He is very intelligent but he has met his match with me in slightly a different way than in most women.

I guess he can’t figure out why money doesn’t move me, how I can forgive, how I think of others the way I do and always put myself last, as most women do. When you’re young and you have money rolling in you spend like crazy, have a family, build a life and then start regretting all of it.

You realize you were to young for marriage, to naive to be left on your own and your hormones took over and you spent to many a night with a different woman. In time your marriage becomes functional, the kids grow up and you get divorced.

Then you realize life is lonely and you start the search for your life long mate and if you are lucky you end up with a relationship like we have. It may go no further, who knows but I am living day by day to see where we do go if anywhere.

We may just find there is nothing there but I already know that is a lie because I love this man for who he is within himself and that is the only man I ever want to know and love that way. He is special to me for he has been by my side from a distance for a very long time and I have leaned heavily on his shoulder at times.

How Do You Know?

How do you know

That I am thinking of 

You?

Feel that slight touch to your

Cheek?

See that random butterfly

Near the

Sea?

See the momma

Goose with her

Babies?

That’s how you 

Know

I am thinking of

You.

I am the 

Sky

That opens up

I am the clouds that

Part for the sun

I am the nature surrounded

By your touch

I am the one

That loves you that

Much

 

The Empty Mirror

When you are in a relationship for a very long time you become to rely and trust each other and you are never alone when you are ill. You always have someone to care for you, feed you, bathe you, get your meds and clean up after you.

When you are divorced or widowed the mirror becomes empty as your partner is no longer standing next to you and there is nothing but an empty space there. You are on your own and it makes you feel so much worse, or at least it does me.

I’m not one to want anyone to fuss over me but when I am sick I am the most docile person on this planet. I like to be babied just like anyone else but what I really like is having someone who will go out in the pouring rain to get my meds.

You do not realize how you take for granted in a relationship and when that person is gone, literally gone and no you cannot call them for help it makes you pay more attention to the importance of relationships. I thrive on taking care of a person.

I’m very good at it and it makes me feel really good to make someone else’s life easier and happier. The last time I was really sick a friend flew up from Texas and took care of me. He’s been wanting me to marry him for years and this time was no different.

He got pissed when I said no again and I haven’t heard from him since but that is the way things go with us. He gets pissed I don’t hear from him for up to two years at a time and the cycle starts over. He thinks his money can buy my love, he is a foolish man, very foolish.

I sit day after day by myself or with my kids and I wonder where I will be in five years? I take life in five years cycles and I believe I have been through hell and back in the last five years and now it’s time for the tides to turn in my favor.

I pray everyday for someone I care for and I pray that our meeting is on the up and up and no shenanigans is behind it. Hey I’m not looking to empty his wallet or even get into it for that matter but I do want fun and companionship, without the bullshit and the pressure.

If worse comes to worse, he can say hi I dont think is going to work and goodbye but I do not see that happening as there is something deeper than anyone else can see but us. Call me a fool if you will but you have to go for it before it gets up and is gone.

The Heart Knows

It’s always been so strange to listen to my friends tell me how “in love” they were because I never felt that, ya when I was thirteen but not since then so I guess that makes me an odd ball. I was always to embarrassed to ask them what it felt like to be in love.

Ya, I made out, got felt up and felt down a few myself but nothing that shook the earth, made me not eat, sleep or think of anything else, my heart never skipped the beat or came close once to missing the beat. I’ve never blown off friends for a guy or changed plans.

I have never felt that all consuming feeling that makes you stupid and do real dumb things, until one day I was struck with this lightening bolt of emotion out of no where. I started getting these stupid grins on my face as I day dreamed about him, thought of him constantly and always distracted by worrying or wondering what was up with him.

I have found myself becoming more physical with my body every time I think of him and he makes me want to make love. He makes me passionate and feel desirable, he makes me like who I am and he makes me laugh and smile.

It’s very difficult to understand where someone is coming from when you are reading chat as there is no flection no voice to way the meaning behind the words. You know you have a connection with someone when you know they finally get you and understand your off the wall humor.

Well, he is finally getting me and that feels good because he has misread me for so long, thinking I thought I was better then others, smarter, and I do not know what else. He is finally seeing that I am an asshole, yes I am but I say it all with humor.

I never call anyone anything I wouldn’t call myself so yes I am an asshole, are you  into anal sex? Grab a coat and have some tunnel love, lol told you I was an asshole. I have been in such a silly mood lately, really playful and free and it’s fun as hell.

It’s fun feeling good and playful and it’s fun looking forward to a week away with a man that actually can talk beyond steel mill mentality. That’s one thing about Detroit being a factory and steel mill county, people never bettered themselves because the money was good in fact great.

Hell, my own husband never read a thing, o I take that back he had no problem reading the checks that we got from my investing. Shit, he tried to throw away books because he hated me to read and not make him the focus of my world.

I am just so damn excited about this trip, I cannot even tell you and I need this so bad and I am sure he needs it worse than I do but together we will be burning down the house. He is going to have more fun than he has ever had in his entire life.