The Ruler

It could have been any day of the week and it was just another Sunday, but what a lovely Sunday it was. The weather was perfect, it was “hold my hand” weather, it was a lazy day even the wind was warm and moving very little.

The kids and I spent the day together and went out to dinner, it was nice just us, yes I enjoyed myself very much. I had fallen in the fog of my own mind until my daughter brought me back to reality by actually shaking my arm to get my attention.

I was thinking of him, thinking what it is going to be like to meet for the first time, will he even show? I would hope he would and I can feel how care free we are going to be once we get over that initial uneasiness. I hope he likes being silly and I hope he isn’t one of those who thinks being silly is stupid.

I just realized it is fall already and we all know what that means, cuddling by the fire drinking cocoa and just relaxing. I think this is happening at the perfect time in my life and I really do hope he is the one that I have waited for.

I do not even know this man but I feel as if I am going to marry him and I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I’m in no hurry to get married and I screw around on my facebook and joke with the guys and ask them if they want to marry me, damn I’m only kidding guys.

I have felt his arms around me

In another time and place

Some how we have been brought together again

Maybe to finish what was never brought to an 

End

These souls are heaven bound

They are meant to be one

Together

Forever

He thinks she is crazy

And that is alright

Because he can’t get 

Rid of me

No matter how he tries

I am etched in his brain

And his thoughts

I am the ruler

That hides behind

His eyes

I am the whisper

that makes him so 

Mad

He’s not used to

Being treated like

A young lad

This woman is so

Fascinating

And she is so 

Damn intriguing

That I cannot turn 

Away

I cannot get her 

Out of my 

Mind

She controls me

She moves me

She makes me a 

better man

Rambling

The pressure pushing on my bladder forced me to get out of bed and go pee. I removed the blanket from my waist and ran naked to the bathroom. I up’d my mac and rolled a joint and smoked it. It was a  nice relaxing morning as I listen to my son’s deep breathing.

I have been getting crap done but man has it taken a lot out of me and Ryan has been doing so much without asking him, it’s weird he’s like a completely new kid since his diagnosis. And his mother is up to know good again, lol.

I’m pissed about my daughter giving away my babies so this time I’m getting tea cup yorkies and people want to get rid of them so bad that are giving them away. So, yes I am going to snag two puppies male and female from two different mothers and eventually have my own babies again.

I adore taking care of baby animals and I am going to get a kitten and I don’t want to hear a word about it. Ryan wants to get another puppy but he doesn’t want a small dog, well to bad I can no longer handle large dogs as they yank me around to much.

I have to go back to the rv one last time and I had to order a 1 1/2″ socket to change the heating element in the water heater. I haven’t had hot water but one time this season because the element when bad and I had to order a new one and had to order the damn socket.

Just another boring ass day for me and my worker is coming today and I think she’s going to be surprised by the shape the house is in. We have really been cleaning up crap around here. I have tried to get motivated to tackle the basement, and I almost one but, the big L took over, lazy. But today will be different as I have got to rent it out, the loan payment alone is 1/5 of my earnings and between car insurance and car payment there’s another 1/5.

It’s ok things will be fine and I know it and have no doubt what so ever. I bought the winning power  ball ticket last night so I’m worry free, lol. Money, money is what everyone wants but they want a real person when they are dieing.

Time to hit this joint again, really helps with the back!

Really

The way this “relationship” is going is so weird but really is quite entertaining and I think i just might have to write about this vacation. I’m sure I will be able to write the most romantic book ever, lol. I’m just curious and wondering.

 

New

I have been given homework from my counselor, she has requested that Shelby and I  write about how we would like it when she finally comes home. The state took my kids away because I was a mess, emotionally I was a mess.

It really hit me hard on my 18th wedding anniversary and things got worse and worse. Shelby was home for one day and I got thrown in jail, Ryan was still in the hospital. The state took Shelby and placed her in a foster care home, that didn’t work out one  bit.

Shelby got a taste of real life, yes the way the world is even though it is scraggly and abstract. I have legal documents from the probate court but the cops think I do not know my rights. Have to wait for the transcript and then we can go to court and get this b.s. over with.

How would I like it to be when Shelby comes home? I would like her to open up to me and spend more time with. I do not want to argue over Leo, I have told Shelby that he is not allowed in the house but he can pick her up if so chooses.

I would like to joke and kid around with the kids more just because it’s fun and that’s it. Why should I act like I’m going to die? No way, I am to mean to die and the devil isn’t ready for someone like me I just love th laugh and smile, I have done way to much frowning.

Marijuana Mayhem

I’m throwing it out there right now that I find nothing wrong with using marijuana for medical purposes. My understanding is that most people will want access to it or it wouldn’t have come up for a vote and the marijuana users could purchase from “dispensaries” but now they are trying to change the law.

The politicians are like the “right to lifer’s” as I refer to them and yes I  support a woman’s right to do as she sees fit without badgering. I have read about the side effects of some of the medications I must take as well as my son and I actually would prefer to smoke pot then pay to kill myself sooner.

My son wants me to help him get a “card” which is proof that you are state approved to carry marijuana. Politicians, hell they always fuck up a simple project and to draw attention to themselves. It’s quite sickening and that is life but hey let’s go get drunk and laid and talk about silly shit, Ok?

Stuck Like Glue

Ok fine, what the fuck ever I will admit you have me mildly curious, at best of course. Let’s get one thing straight from the beginning. I do not want any photos printed or sold, given ect and I really would appreciate it if we do hit it off that you do not talk to anyone about it as I really do not want to be on tv or in the rags.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s begin with something simple like do you like to play cards or checkers? Ya I know the mundane shit but ya gotta know it if you want to know the person and I would like to know you and not label you as another fuck of mine, lol.

Gotta tell ya, you are one romantic motherf er and you are crazy and I love it, I really do as I love unusual, different, artistic, creative ect and you have touched on every one of them. You really need to let me know where we should stay and the cheapest price on renting a car.

I might be driving to New York City, I am not sure yet but there is a possibility if you’re interested, just saying but if I do not like you the offer is retractable with no financial responsibility. You see   being famous comes with a price so if you gonna rub your famous shit on me then you gonna wear it all over your face.

I don’t want to come off as a bitch I just want to have some understanding between us as adults. Trust me, I have enough years and experience to tell you that your body is going to fit well on mine, trust me.You are a fucking riot you know that? You really are and if we do click this will make the best damn book ever written.

Who’s Your Hero?

I was just thinking wouldn’t it be crazy if he is some famous person and I have never heard of him? How embarrassing for me but hey he has to wipe his own ass just like me so he is someone I have a connection with nothing more.

I do not play groupie whore very well, no that part goes to some of the other women he has been with. I’m your run of the mill 60’s housewife type and I make no excuses for how I choose to care for those in my life. Yes, I am old fashioned and will not apologize but I am also way ahead of my time in many other ways.

My kids think I’m a pretty damn good mom and they still have their complaints but I have mine as well. They want me to get involved with someone but they want me as well. We shall see what happens in a week and until then, no I will not be getting involved with anyone.

If he thinks I’m going to fall to my knees he better think again I do not care who he is, we put our pants on one leg at a time so we can start there. This has been a real crazy way to meet someone as he has been following me online for like three years now.

He has still hidden himself and maybe he will hide himself still when we are together, which I wouldn’t blame him if he is some famous person. Hell if it were me I would, get laid and if “it” wasn’t there maybe hang around awhile longer and see what I thought.

I have no clue as to what he even looks like, lol yes this is wild but I am cracking up because anyone who would go to the length he has gone to well, it’s just so bizarre to me but I like it, I like it a lot it’s like a love letter but deeper, more thought, manipulation, planning and delegating.

He has me following his lead like a puppy and that is exactly what he wants which is fine for the time being as I will turn the table very quickly, do not underestimate the ability I have as a woman, as a person as a definitive being that knows what she wants.

Forbidden Thoughts

I am a mother, a widow a loner a quiet soul that seeks to feel the sensation of lust between two people. Because I am in my fifties is no excuse not to go after what I have wanted for such a very long time. To have my skin touched gently, the feel of butterfly wings.

If I could feel his arms around me burying his face in my hair and neck as he makes me feel safe, the touch of his hand leading mine. The softness of his lips, I move my fingers across his face as if I were blind, I want to know this man, even without seeing him.

We move slowly but in unison and we have known each other for years but only now, now we meet now we find out what we really feel for each other. I am very nervous but so ready just to relax I haven’t really let him control to much of my thoughts.

Now that I have finally moved my mac into the study, I won’t be online as much and that is important to the kids, which is fine with me. They are going back to school on Tuesday and I will have the entire day to take care of my internet addiction.

I’ve asked him to find a motel with a kitchenette and a car as I just am to damn busy lately to even know where to begin to find a place. I’m flying into Albany and anywhere from there is fine so if you have any ideas let me know.

A perfect week to do absolutely nothing, no answering calls, doctor appts, counseling appts., car repairs and the list goes on and on. I plan to be naked and relaxed from the second I walk into that room. I will have to  take off that nasty quilt they have on top of the beds, so nasty!

Clean sheets I can work with but not the top cover, things have happened on that blanket and I do not need any visuals to make me sick. Chill for a while, relax and when he shows up, we will go get some food, alcohol and we are going to make dinner.

Who knows what could happen in the kitchen, who knows? The one thing about me is if I want to kiss him I won’t waste time waiting for him to make the move. If he doesn’t like it I’m sure he will tell me but I do not think he will have any complaints.

I know I shouldn’t confess to this but I am a very sensual and sexual woman, even though that grosses out my kids. I’m approaching this week without any expectations what so ever and we will see who this caped crusader really is.

 

Remember The War

As each day gets easier and things keep falling into place I look back at the people in my life who have made it possible for me to reach the point of “bipolar remission”. I can’t remember I felt this good and it is so damn good to unload all the shit I have carried for way to long.

The last year and one half have been the roughest years of my entire life so far but I have learned so much that I cannot complain. Out goes the trash and in comes good things and that is what has happened. I finally signed the papers for suing the bastard that took 30 grand of mine and was suppose to give me technology, he have me nothing and thinks he’s keeping my money, so I have to sue him for it and I have the right to sue him for 3x the amount so yes, three x has got my kids name all over it.

Ryan and I went to the campground to get the sink un plugged and ended up taking the faucet completely off and sure as shit that is exactly where it was clogged up with leaves and shit. Got the sink back on and sure as hell the connections are leaking under the sink.

Ryan cleaned up the shed and put the golf cart in it, yes I’m going to have to go back when I come back from NY. I can winterize the rv then as well and fertilize for spring, hopefully someone buys her, she is a lot of fun but so much work for just me.

We drove up did what we had to and came home, I want to start cleaning that basement and get new carpeting laid next week. I have got to get it ready to rent out now that I have a five hundred a month note on the home equity loan.

I had to get the loan to pay off the IRS, yes the bill was 47 grand and I talked to them and they lowered it to 30 grand. Bob didn’t pay any taxes when the money was taken out so all that is penalties and interest, but at least I finally got them paid off and off my back.

The loan is a tax write off so that is some consolation, I guess. I treated myself to a couple new lingerie outfits, nothing extravagant just some nice new stuff. I want to take more pics in the new lingerie so we will see if “batman” will be kind enough to take some new pics for me.

I realized today that I am an attractive woman, yes I finally realized that I look better than most women my age and doesn’t that just sit well on my hips? Your damn right it does as I have never thought of myself as attractive. I’m not bad but attractive, well yes I am.

I have to thank each and everyone of the people that have been there for me and have helped me reach a healthy mental attitude. We put our family members and friends through hell during our illness or recovery and no it isn’t fair but life isn’t.

I’m so very happy with myself and have accepted all of my short comings and I do not want to go back to where I was, never again. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with but until that happens I will be content with myself.