As People

As people we are an odd bunch with odd ways and yes we are a very complex species, as long as you do not single out certain people, yes we are a very complex species indeed. I find it terribly funny that some people thrive on being sneaky.

Yes, there are those that love to by a mystery and love to keep mystery going for a very long time. People enjoy a good mystery, that’s if you stay away from the those ignorant souls that find reading and living to boring to endure.

As for myself I hate to break the news to you but I am probably the funniest, craziest person that enjoys reading and solving a good mystery. It took me several years, literally several years to unravel a mystery and I  am not sure that I have unraveled it as of yet.

One should never be to sure of themselves as that can blow up in your face so easily and I am not sure of myself as far as this situation goes. I honestly am so damn scared I’m almost well I won’t tell you what but ya I am scared.

I am actually feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety that is making my heart race and I’m close to grabbing the bottle of xanax to calm my nerves. The last time I took xanax is when my husband died last year and I lived on xanax as I was a mess.

I have been fortunate enough to have someone behind the scenes watching over me and listening to me when I was so messed up. I have gone through all the stages of grief and the hardest one for me was anger, I had a lot of anger and was entitled to every bit of it and more.

People that go through a divorce deal with the same emotions, the only difference is their spouse didn’t die but the relationship did and that is tough on anyone. I hope this is a trip that changes my life for the better, for happier times, more romantic times.

 

 

Count

Let me count the ways that I love you,

I love the way you try to hide yourself from me under a thousand aliases,

I love the conversations we have as if we are merely friends on fb,

I love the way you make me laugh when I catch you on my computer.

I love the way you have taken such effort to follow me until the time has been right for both of us,

I love when you are silly and when you are serious,

I love that you take the time to chat with me every day,

I love the way you don’t get mad when I am tired and need a nap,

I love you being so caring

I even love when you get mad at me, lol

I wont tell you I love everything about you

Because frankly I don’t 

But I do love the person you are 

And always will

 

 

Your Smiling

I know you are smiling as you read what I have written because you are like that, someone who lies low and makes plans to surprise someone, I know you are like that. This is a very special time in our lives and the time is finally perfect for our paths to cross.

We will find most of the answers we have been looking for, for so very long and I think we will find what we both have wanted and needed. We are one you and I and no amount of distance and no lies can change that, we are meant to be together forever and I believe this.

I honestly do not know where we are headed because I am not so sure you are capable of a committed relationship. I do not know if one woman could ever be enough for you or if you are capable of loving just one and being faithful.

These are questions I need answered and no, I do not and cannot play the sharing game. If you need another woman then you do not need me I have laid out my yellow summer dress and my white lace panties and that is what I will be wearing with my sunglasses of course.

I do hope we meet and we find what we both feel to be real and true and I want to kiss you and make love to you and show you how I really feel, which can only be done through making love.I so want to be happy as you do and I do hope this time is ours.

Beautiful Day

It’s such a beautiful day, it’s one of those days that the breeze is warm and it’s not to hot out, one of those days that you want to whirl in a circle outside with your head tilted back and feeling wonderful.

It’s the kind of day you can hug yourself and smile because you’re thinking of someone special and how good it will feel wh their arms are around you. It’s the kind of day you wear jeans and cowboy boots and kick at the dirt as you are thinking of that special person.

I do so hope this trip is fun and exciting as I need fun and excitement for a change and I am so wanting to feel his arms around me. Hopefully, I no longer will have to dream of his warm body next to mine, but finally feel it. I believe what I feel is real and I believe we belong together but only time will tell.

I bet Albany is just beautiful this time of year because Michigan sure is and the weather, well this is just perfect weather and I wish I were fishing right about now. It’s just such a beautiful day and I am so relaxed and that is how I plan to be my entire vacation.

I already know Shelby will be calling me telling me that Ryan isn’t picking up, typical kid stuff that will stop when she is in college so I hope. It won’t be long before they are both gone so a phone call or two is welcome at this point in my life.

A perfect day tomorrow would be taking off on time, getting my luggage and making it to the hotel, Mr. Joe shows up and is waiting in the lobby for me, we have a light lunch and go to my room and drop off my luggage and go for a walk and just talk.

Then go back to my room and talk some more until I no longer can keep my hands off of him and I make the first move. If I do that, that will be something because I’m shy, really I am very shy but I think my body has a mind of it’s own these days and will attack him like a tigress, lol.

3:15 p.m.

This time tomorrow I will be in Albany enjoying a beautiful day with my camera in a park with a packed lunch so I can have my own private picnic by the lake in the park. I’m sure I can find a park with a lake somewhere and the thought of having a picnic sitting my a tree and staring up at the sky.

You remember don’t you, how to enjoy a picnic with a blanket to lie on and your arms under your head as you look up at the clouds and see shapes of dogs or squirrels, lol. The warm breeze blowing so gently it makes you want to take a nap with someones arms around you.

I am a dreamer of life and I can see myself looking up at the clouds and enjoying the day with someone special, yes I can see it. Being a visionary is so nice and comforting but when I think of meeting someone and falling in love I must confess I am very afraid.

Why be afraid you ask, because I am the type that falls and falls hard and how can you have a relationship with someone you cannot be with all the time? Is it possible to have a long distance romance for the most part? Then there are the holidays and the children and how to deal with that. 

There has got to be a lot of trust and respect, give and take as well as giving in during any arguments, you cannot be right all the time, or can you? lol no you cannot and you have to be very open to each other’s responsibilities and lives.

If everything clicked between myself and someone else I would have no problem committing because I believe with technology we could be in contact daily and no it’s not as good as being together but I would just be thrilled to be involved at all, lol. 

I can see myself walking hand in hand with someone during sunset and watching the sun go down, it’s times like these that are times that make wonderful memories and they are so romantic. It’s the moments that do not cost a dime that make a relationship special.

Feel My

He feels my pain

And he feels my love

He feels my loneliness

He feels my happiness

He feels everything I 

Feel 

He is everything I

Feel

I want his arms around

Me

To make me feel

Safe

I want to feel his heart 

Beat

I pray it beats for

Me

And only me

My thoughts are of

Him

And him alone

My heart is open to 

Him

I hope we find a

Love

That we both

Need

We are so much

Alike

Yet we are so

Different

Let  us be the 

Lock

And key that fit together

Nicely

Instant Karma

I have found most people believe in Karma and John Lennon was a very spiritual man searching for his own peace through discovering the richness of different religions and beliefs. John knew he would come to a violent end of life and he did.

I am very spiritual and have great faith in  Karma and I believe I have paid at least a small portion of my own Karma. Karma gives us an opportunity to correct wrongs we have committed and that includes our previous life. I believe I had a prior life and my dad told me he thought I was an attorney in a different life.

This could be very true as I am quite knowledgeable when it comes to the law. I have had a lot of interaction with attorneys so who knows, maybe I’m a fast learner or I really was an attorney. Karma isn’t a bad thing at all because we learn and learning is important to growing and changing our lives.

Karma can bring many great things into our lives as well and it is a taker but also a giver. The world would be a better place if people would believe the world can be a better place and we can change it. I like being a free thinker and believing in Karma, spirituality, God and a high power.

Karma can and does bring people together, there are certain people that absolutely belong together without question. Karma helps bring these souls together to form one and anyone that thinks otherwise might want to rethink that narrow point of view.

 

White Christmas

I am watching a movie called mixed nuts and the soundtrack and the storyline are Christmas related. The movie made me think of the last time I enjoyed Christmas. I was twelve years old and wanted a blue parka jacket and I had opened all of my gifts and there was no jacket.

My grandmother came over with presents for us and when I opened the gift it was a green parka jacket. I was kind of down that it was green but then it hit me, I had the jacket I wanted, maybe not the color but never the less I finally had a warm jacket to wear while waiting for the bus.

.

I enjoyed Christmas watching the kids open their gifts but other than that I haven’t had a nice Christmas since I was twelve. I know this may come as a shock but a new vacuum or floor cleaner just doesn’t make a Christmas for the “little lady”.

I hope this Christmas is different and I have someone to share it with as that is what makes Christmas so happy. I like sledding and throwing snowballs, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows and playing in the snow. 

I really enjoy shopping at Christmas, all the smells, pretty lights, decorations and the excitement in the air. I like holidays because they can be so romantic and it’s a time to show your feelings for the person you are with. Christmas can be so fun with the right person.

I hope my son has a girlfriend because “love” is so sweet during the holidays, I have no doubt Leo will still be in the picture and that will make Shelby very happy. Christmas is all about kids and that includes the kid in us because when you feed that inner child, life is so much better.

 

 

Afraid Of The Night

I have finally ran into something that scares me more than the night, it’s love, yes I am afraid of love I have just discovered. Who is afraid of love you may ask, someone that has been hurt very badly and very deeply. I want love so bad but the fear, well the fear.

I don’t think I could ever believe that someone could possibly love me just for myself and nothing more. It seems the first time I was engaged of course what I had played a key role and then my husband well he married me for what I had as well. It’s as if I cannot be worth loving if I don’t have something that someone else can profit from, well I guess the next one is shit out of luck because I am scraping by every month. I don’t mind the way my life is of course it would be nice to be debt free again and I will in time.

I don’t need someone to help financially and emotionally well hell I’m just a mess in disguise, not really I am doing very well thank you. I’m so used to be alone and frankly it sucks if you want to know the truth but I realized today that I am scared to death of a relationship.

If I knew that he would be true to me and me alone I might take the plunge but I do not know if I could ever really trust anyone again. As much as I would like to I do not know if I have that in me or not. I want a committed relationship so bad but can he commit?

It would hurt me so bad to find out he cheated on me I don’t know if I could take it or not. I’m so true blue it’s not funny, when I’m committed I don’t even flirt anymore because I have that much respect for the person I am with. When I tell someone I love them I mean it and I don’t want them to feel insecure or hurt.

 The next relationship I have will be my last I guarantee it because we will be a perfect fit and I know it in my heart. I have so much love to give and so does he that is why we belong together and will eventually be together in time.

If he makes me fall deeply in love with him then he has got to keep me those are the rules baby.

I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE AND I DESERVE IT