Afraid Of The Night

I have finally ran into something that scares me more than the night, it’s love, yes I am afraid of love I have just discovered. Who is afraid of love you may ask, someone that has been hurt very badly and very deeply. I want love so bad but the fear, well the fear.

I don’t think I could ever believe that someone could possibly love me just for myself and nothing more. It seems the first time I was engaged of course what I had played a key role and then my husband well he married me for what I had as well. It’s as if I cannot be worth loving if I don’t have something that someone else can profit from, well I guess the next one is shit out of luck because I am scraping by every month. I don’t mind the way my life is of course it would be nice to be debt free again and I will in time.

I don’t need someone to help financially and emotionally well hell I’m just a mess in disguise, not really I am doing very well thank you. I’m so used to be alone and frankly it sucks if you want to know the truth but I realized today that I am scared to death of a relationship.

If I knew that he would be true to me and me alone I might take the plunge but I do not know if I could ever really trust anyone again. As much as I would like to I do not know if I have that in me or not. I want a committed relationship so bad but can he commit?

It would hurt me so bad to find out he cheated on me I don’t know if I could take it or not. I’m so true blue it’s not funny, when I’m committed I don’t even flirt anymore because I have that much respect for the person I am with. When I tell someone I love them I mean it and I don’t want them to feel insecure or hurt.

 The next relationship I have will be my last I guarantee it because we will be a perfect fit and I know it in my heart. I have so much love to give and so does he that is why we belong together and will eventually be together in time.

If he makes me fall deeply in love with him then he has got to keep me those are the rules baby.


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