The Confessions Short List

Our bodies are a fine piece of machinery that must be maintained properly or it does malfunction. I recently had food poisoning and that illness is extremely painful. Mixing equal parts of cider vinegar and water and drinking it helped a lot after I had puked my guts out all night.

I also have had two tia’s temporary ischemic attacks they are mini strokes and I did lose my peripheral vision for about six months. I have learned to eat healthier and get enough rest as well as meditate. I can tell you meditation is a wonder in itself.

I have also learned to fight the fights that I can win not the ones that are a waste of time to win. I know longer worry about being alone forever or waste time on people who are not conducive to my good health. I no longer waste energy on things that aren’t worth getting upset over or people.

I have learned to enjoy life by myself and do not put stock in empty promises or words any longer. I have accepted that God has a plan for me and I just cannot change it no matter how hard I try. He will bring me those that I need all in good time.

It’s not so easy to instantaneously stop loving someone and I cannot do it even though I have tried. Our paths will cross when they are meant to and not before hand. I think God wants us to be sure of ourselves and where we are headed before he puts us on the same road of life.

Who knows? Our paths may never cross and we may only be occupying each other’s thoughts temporarily. I should hope not but my hopes and wishes haven’t come to fruition and I do not know if they ever will. I have not replaced him as of yet, but I am not sitting on the fence either.

Have you ever connected with someone and everything about it felt absolutely right? You just know that the meeting was meant to be? That the two of you are to be one? The two of you have been brought into each other’s lives for a specific purpose? Have you ever met anyone that has been brought into your life to take care of you?

I have had a person cross my path that fits all of the above yet we have never met face to face. It seems as if we are forever doing the dance in the dark. We flirt, tease, chat, act silly but nope not once have we met and I am assuming it’s because the time isn’t right.

I know I cannot wait another year and I am so hoping we meet but I have no power over that and cannot change my life or his. His career involves world travel and he will soon enough be off for another year and I do fear there will never be an “our” moment.

It saddens me but when two people want to be together they will find a way, like I said “two”, I am not so sure he even wants to meet me. I am like a novel that is happy, sad, irritating, angering, funny, stupid and silly and he follows my every move.

I have “met” someone else that I enjoy talking to and he has called me several times from overseas and sent me flowers and I haven’t known him a week. The thought was nice but I was not impressed and the phone calls are nice but again, not impressed.

It takes a lot to impress me and I mean a lot, the first time I have ever been really impressed by someone was my husband. He lost his leg and when he walked without crutches and then could run, that was impressive those are the impressive people in this world, not the actors and billionaires.

People talk and say nothing most of their lives and that’s kind of the way I feel with this new guy. He talks but he doesn’t really say anything, lol. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and it seemed like you had to grasp for words to fill the empty space?

Have you ever felt awkward when someone says something to you and expects a response back and you don’t know what to say? Well, that’s kind of how it is with the new guy and I know I shouldn’t say that but I can’t help it because Mr. “old” guy and I never have those empty spaces of air conversations.

I think he does want to be with me but something more important is holding him back, maybe I am trying to fool myself into thinking that he cares and loves me. I do not know what to think but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, I just have to.

TSA

When I travel I know tsa is going to go through my luggage so I gave serious thought to being a tsa agent and I think they have a boring job. I thought I would liven up their job a bit and pack my vibrator.

When I packed it I made sure that the slightest movement would make it turn on and when the tsa agent opened my luggage they got one big vibrator instead of the bomb they may think they are looking for, lmao.

I know that’s a rotten thing to do but I am always doing some f’d up stuff and just can’t help myself. I would have loved to have seen their faces when they opened up my suitcase and had to dig through all my lingerie to get to my joy toy, lmao.

When you don’t have a man available the next best thing always helps get you through the night. I am not ashamed to admit that I have sexual desires or that self-gratification is in my itinerary.

The crap you have to go through to get on a plane is ridiculous and I really wonder how many people do carry bombs on planes and don’t have the nerve to set them off. I sure hope they are never on a plane with me.

 

 

Attraction

The law of attraction is very specific and what you think about is what you attract to yourself. This includes everything in our lives, love, negativity, jealousy everything and everything you want you can have if you focus good energy in that direction.

I have been doing that lately thinking positive about a relationship and meeting someone at the very least and low and behold I have met someone new. I would have liked to of had a go with the other one but he prefers to stay anonymous and out of reach.

Hell I even picked up a stick and tried to reach him and that didn’t do a damn bit of good either. I have tried and I have finally ran out of ideas so I guess he’s on his own. You can tell someone who they are looking at their soul mate but if they won’t look you can’t make them.

I do not know what he wants me to do or what he wants from me but I obviously am not able to fit into his life at this time and probably never. He has waved the “big business” crap in my face like I am so impressed, not, he better take a damn good look at where he is at in his life.

He is obviously happy where he is at in his life or he would change it and he would grab what he cannot buy but some people just aren’t smart enough to go after what they really want when they should. I cannot wait and will not wait any longer.

Yes, I am going to start going out and start dating and have met someone of interest but we shall see if there is enough connection that I would invite him to the States. I’m in no hurry to do anything but be happy and enjoy life and the fall weather.

I did receive another call from my new interest and we chatted for over two hours and I am really enjoying our conversations. He is such a gentleman and so damn romantic he is starting to really turn my head and I’m thinking I might want to know him better.

Dead Leaves

I sat looking out the window at the dying grass and the leaves that had already fallen off the trees. I looked at the leaves on the trees and I thought of us. There used to be such vibrance such life between us but as I look at the leaves on the ground once again I think of us.

Two people who have fallen from the tree to wither and die into the winter season. I look at the fallen apples and I think what lovely fruit we could have shared but the apples are now rotting and that is what I feel at this moment.

A rotting love that had a chance but now is decaying away and going back into the earth. Why didn’t you reach to me in a way I could understand? Why didn’t you take the time to come to me? Why don’t you let me go? let me try to find a new love?

You’ve had so many women but I am not yours and never will be, you have always gotten what you wanted because you could either buy it or talk it into your favor. I am a person and money won’t move me and neither will fame.

I am talking with someone who I am interested in and I would like to move on past you as you and I are just that, two separate people that will never be one because you wish it not to happen. I wanted your love so bad but you didn’t want mine.

I tried I really did but you didn’t so it’s time to let go and let me have some happiness and you do the same, if you ever have time for me let me know, we could have a drink and dinner and chat at least and that would be nice, wouldn’t it?