I have learned what it feels like to be in love with someone, I know that sounds absurd but I fell in love for the first time in my adult life almost four years ago.
No, I never cheated on my husband, when I married I married until death and that’s exactly what happened. It’s hard when you do not understand the feeling of love and out of no where you are flattened onto your back like being punched and having the wind knocked out of you.
It’s a grand feeling indeed and it’s exciting and fun, love is awesome when things are going well and then you end up getting kicked in the teeth, screwed over and the more you gave the more they took. Then one day they just walk out of your life as if they never knew you at all.
That’s what I do not like about love, the cheaters, those that get someone else pregnant, those that are seeing more than one person at a time. These are the things that make me so damn scared of real love and abandoning myself to another person is really scary for me, I guess it has to do with trust.
When my daughter was thirteen I had to make the decision if she should have the gardisil shot which is supposed to fight cervical cancer. She had the shot which is done in three separate injections and the last one was the one that she passed out and snapped her jaw off her face and split up the center of her chin.
She had to have emergency surgery and I started investigating about immunizations and the compensation for each kind. I was shocked to see that gardasil was already on the list. She ended up getting a thirty thousand dollar settlement that she is going to start getting payments on her birthday.
Immunizations cause so much harm to our children and it could be avoided if the pharmaceutical company’s weren’t so damn greedy. It is so sad to see how many children have been affected by immunizations and how it has damaged them permanently.
I really like wind chimes and I could listen to them moving in the wind all day long. There is something about the sound that takes me back home. The sound reminds me of hot summer days and hummingbirds drinking their nectar and fluttering around the flowers on the bush.
I think the sound of wind chimes is so relaxing and soothing and it puts me in a relaxed mood. I just so enjoy the simple country life and the wind chimes is such a reminder of those days and it makes me feel comforted.
I love music and from morning until night I am listening to all kinds from all ethnicities and it moves me in the way I need at that time. Music can say so much by saying nothing at, you just have to listen with your eyes closed you will hear and feel the beauty of the melody.
I envision myself in my black negligee dance hand in hand with the one I love and we are swirling and twirling in my bedroom, it is so romantic, a moment I wish to hold onto even though it is nothing more than a vision. Sometimes, that is all we do have to hold onto but it gets us through.
What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.
Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.
I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.
It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.
Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does anything I say have any affect on you? Who am I meant to be? What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to love? Where am I meant to be? These questions are troublesome as I cannot answer any of them and I am supposed to be so strong and intelligent.
I have kind of just drifted around for the past four years, not knowing who I am or who I want to be. I am sure I am not the only person that feels this way. I need a new challenge as life is stale and moldy, I need something exciting and invigorating if anything like that exists.
I was just thinking that I live better than a lot of people and a lot of people live much better than I do but I am complete as far as material shit. I really want for nothing but I can tell you I have a deeply restless soul that wants to fly like a bird to the place I dream of changing one day.
I don’t focus on that dream because I am not in the right place yet to make my dream come true. Most women have the dream of getting married but I have been there and done that and no, it wasn’t all it was cut out to be but I do have a motto that I will try anything once.
I have a little over two more years to go before my son will be off in college and I will be totally alone and yes I am going to be loving it. I have realized that I do have a purpose and yes I will fulfill my purpose in a matter of time, time heals all wounds and brings good things as well.
What are you doing for Halloween? I will be down at big Rick’s and Lynn’s doing jello shots and passing out chips. Every year these two and quite a few other neighbors hand out shots and beers, it’s candy for the adults and it is damn fun. I really enjoy Rick and Lynn and Rick watches over me like a mother hen.
Rick and Bob were really good friends and it tore up Rick when Bob died. Rick has offered me his manly “services” jokingly but he truly is a great guy. I called Rick and had a talk with him about what I had found and he didn’t know anything about it, no I am not jealous at all, when two people are separated they are going to venture off into the wild blue yonder.
But you do not spend your children’s money on anyone but them, but money does strange things to people now doesn’t it?. My goal is to be debt free in two years and that will happen with no problem. I have some legal issues that are going to reward me handsomely and take care of my financial burdens.
How do I keep myself from having a meltdown? I look towards God, yes I know someone who acts like me be a believer? I am very spiritual and yes I pray to God and ask to help me keep the lid on the can of woop-ass, besides there is no one alive to woop-ass, damn now that really pisses me off.
He has made it so much easier to get rid of his shit that I keep finding, the only thing I haven’t pitched is the thirty boxes of nascar die cast that I am keeping for the kids to dump when they are like thirty. I found a pillow that hadn’t been washed and it had his smell on it. I threw that bitch in the hottest water my washer would put out and a ton of bleach.
Now I have a nice pillow that smell like downy and that works for me, that is because I do not have any men’s cologne that wasn’t his. Maybe I will go buy some just to turn myself on, lol. I have to keep my sense of humor or I will break down and I prefer to laugh then to cry, wouldn’t you to?
My husband spent every dime he got his hands on and I saved every dime I got my hands on. I put funds away for my children’s education and he spent every dime of the one hundred fifty some thousand dollars I saved. I had always wondered how he could spend that much money in such a short period of time and I found out today.
I never thought my husband could stoop so damn low but then again I am finding out that most men stoop just as low if not lower. I never paid attention to who was at the funeral or who was crying and now I wish I had. Sometimes, we want to think the best of people who hurt us when we shouldn’t think of them at all.
I can never let my kids know what I have found out as I do not want to tarnish his memory than it already is in their minds. His ex-wife had the nerve to tell my son he cheated on her and that is why they got divorced. Why did she feel it necessary to share that tidbit with my son?
I do not care what happens during a divorce as long as the kids are not brought into the mix but people seem to always use their kids when divorce is eminent. Things I thought my husband would never do he did tenfold and if he weren’t already dead I swear I could kill him.
Why do good people always get burned? Why do good people always get used and lied to? Why do good people get shit on at every turn? I do not deserve the crap I have been put through and I do not appreciate another bitch in my bed, if you know what I mean. I wonder if I do not have a fuck me sign on my back anymore.