Fight The Good Fight

As most of you know, I have spent the last six years burying my entire family. My brother was mentally ill and lived on the street by his own choice. He was found dead in a vestibule, he passed away from complications of diabetes and my grandmother entrusted my sister with money to bury him back in 90′ before she died.

My sister took the money and put it in her 401k and refused to give it to me to bury my brother, I was finally able to $900.00 from her to pay for my brother’s cremation. My mother or sister lifted a finger to get my brother cremated and my mother didn’t even pick up my brother’s ashes, I did and I set his soul free in Lake Erie, actually my husband did it for me because I couldn’t. As his ashes were released I prayed to God and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to  release my brother from his personal hell, as I saw it.

Even though he was homeless, there was a memorial for him and the church was half full, my brother was a wonderful person but his illness kept us apart because I needed to protect my children as my brother could get violent. I miss him every day but he is at peace finally and that gives me peace.

 The following year I flew to Florida to bring my grandmother home from the nursing home my sister placed her in. She was abused terribly in that facility and the Dr. told me she had three months to live. I had her transferred to a hospital to care for her wounds and she was sent home. 

I got my grandmother back into her own home and her last words were ” I am home”, she died the next morning as I sat next to her looking at the catheter fill with blood and I knew it would be momentarily before her demise. I was alone with her and it was so damn painful but rewarding.

How can it be rewarding to be with someone when they die? I was given the opportunity to get her home where she wanted to pass away, that was rewarding as I was given the work of granting her final wish and I thank God everyday that I was able to answer that wish.

My aunt died the next year of Legionnaires disease, the year after that my husband died of leukemia and this year my dad died of colon cancer. I was involved in putting them all to rest except my aunt, who was my best friend and she knew more about my life than my own mother.

I can remember when I caught crabs from work and stayed up all night talking to my aunt because I was so grossed out and the stores were closed. My aunt knew about my rape and pregnancy and the infection that almost took my womb from the abortion, my aunt was my rock, my touch stone. 

She loved me unconditionally when no one else did and she was always there for me. I have been fortunate to have these wonderful people in my life and I have tried to show my love through helping them in the end. Burying your entire family makes life fall into perspective.

Money no longer rules my life, nor fancy cars, clothes, home ect. I have enough to make it, barely but I make it. God stepped in and didn’t let me son die and that is a gift all in itself. I am not bragging that I was there for them as that was my duty, my gift to them and God worked through me and I am thankful I was and am his instrument.

I am not strong, I am not special but I have the gift of being God’s instrument and I am thankful that I have been able to be there for them. I do not feel sorry for myself but I do get overwhelmed and depressed at times but like I said I am not special I am just instrument of my God.

It isn’t strength that keeps me going, no it is God and I am not religious but deeply spiritual. I am a giver, a doer and see projects through. I am reliable, dependable, honest, straight forward and love my friends as my family because they are my family now. I do not discuss my problems in depth with my friends as they have enough problems and do not need mine.

God has someone special in mind for me and I know who he is, we just haven’t met yet. We have work to do but it isn’t time yet for us to move forward. I am not unloved, I just do not have physical love and that is needed desperately as all of us need love and a hug when the chips are down.

I no longer wait for the one that has my heart and in fact I have let go of that “relationship” and we will meet one day. It may not be on earth but one day we will meet. Giving is what I do best and it makes me vulnerable and easily used but I know what I do for others is what I am supposed to be doing and if it comes back to bite me like it usually does, I learn something new each time.

People and things come to us when they are supposed to and not a day sooner and I wish for love and my wish will come true one day but until then, I will continue doing what I do best, rescuing others and hopefully I will not bury either of my children before I die. I do not fear death nor relish it but accept it as part of life.

Death is regeneration and everything and everyone meets their demise eventually, life is a complete circle and no you do not get to opt out of any part that you may find unsavory. All of us have our own demons to slay and we are not perfect and are quite imperfect but what I do know is, if you have a good heart God will bring you inner peace in time.

I’m waiting for my time and continue to be God’s instrument of love-

The Embrace

I stood in the center of my great room and hugged myself and it felt good, yes it did. I have needed a hug for so long and since there is no one alive that is available, I hug myself and I liked it. I will not wait for someone to love me as I am loving myself and if I molest myself along the way, fantastic I need some physical appreciation as well.

Happy To Be Me

I used to be very unhappy with who I am and I didn’t appreciate my own worth but that has changed. .Today, I woke up realizing that I am one hell of a great person that has way to much to offer to just anybody.

Yes, I am blowing my own horn because it has taken 53 yrs. to feel this good about myself and no one is going to rain on my parade, in fact rain on it because I dance in the rain and smile and laugh while doing it.

God put me here for reasons only he knows and he works through me as I am his instrument, as all of us our. Some of us have more “duties’ than others and I am one of those people without regret.

I have finally accepted what will be will be and no amount of crying, screaming or yelling is going to change that. I have to be the leader of my own band and yes I fall and bleed but I get back up a bit wiser and stronger each time.

I can honestly say the next relationship I am involved in will make one happy man because I take care of my men very well, more than they can even believe or expect and that makes me appreciated.

I am finally strong enough to walk away from what doesn’t enrich my life and I am walking into the arms of someone who will appreciate what I have to offer. I will find the love and happiness I am deserving and time will take care of all for me.

Just Another Fantasy

Through out our lives we fantasize about so many different things and the number one is love, all of us want and need love. The internet has broken up more marriages than can be counted and we search for our fantasy online now.

I did just that, and yes I found my fantasy but that was all it was, just a faceless name, a scammer, liar, a con. The sad thing is he is a good person trying to redeem himself and only God knows if that is possible.

I do not judge him as I do not wish to be judged but he gave me what I needed when I needed it but God says to me, “Kimberly go after the real thing” and that is what I am doing. I am no longer satisfied with a random phone call or talking to one of numerous aliases online.

I wish him nothing but love, peace, joy and acceptance of himself for who he is and be thankful for the life he has had. Maybe he will remember me fondly and maybe he won’t but I do not worry about.

It’s a sad ending to a person I love but everything and everyone meets their demise eventually and this “relationship” has ran it’s course. I have let it go with the wind as if it were a leaf and it will land elsewhere and go back into the earth.

I am not someone who wishes ill upon others and I am always happy when they achieve their goals, win something or have something wonderful happen to them. I am not envious of anybody and do not wish to have more than I do .

I once let money lead my life but since I have lost my entire family I have realized that having a full table at Thanksgiving is more important than a fancy car, home and a bank full of paper.

My priorities have changed over the years and I have grown so much as a human being that I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved by myself and for my family. I will never be one to want a man to support me other than emotionally and no I don’t want anything more than love and inner peace.

Skipping Through Life

My son attempted suicide two nights ago and is in ICU, they took the tube out of his throat this afternoon and he is pissed he is alive. He was very very verbally abusive to me and doesn’t want to see me, fine.

He wants his computer so he can post fb crap and I will have none of it. He has only his sister and myself and he thinks he’s coming home tomorrow, no way. He will go from ICU to a psychiatric hospital and then a long term psychiatric facility and it’s best that he doesn’t see me.

I have done the best I can with no family and my husband died last yr. so I am all alone, now I completely alone without my kids. It’s fine, I’m ok and the truth is I can finally breathe a sigh of relief as my son has put me through my paces and I need a break.

It’s time for me to leave my husband buried and open myself up to emotional and physical love, which I have had neither in years. Marriage doesn’t guarantee love or committment even though he never cheated, there was no love. We were best friends and that was the extent of the relationship.

I will never marry again because I do not believe another person has the right to tell anyone else what they can and cannot do. Marriage doesn’t guarantee anything but a divorce and who needs the hassle?

If you want out go, why pay lawyers? Just go and it’s all good. Marriage does not have the meaning or value system it once held and people do not have the morals and beliefs they once had.

I’m looking forward to skipping through life enjoying every minute and doing all that I have ever wanted to do and see all that I have wanted to see. I love foreign cultures and am looking forward to savoring what life has to offer.

Let the adventure begin………………………..