Inside Of Her

You caress her and kiss her, you touch her all over and then you enter her but she is not me in any way shape or form. She doesn’t have what I have and you cannot fantasize about me when you are inside of her. You think you are in love with her? Fine have at it but we both know I am always in your mind, dreams and constantly in your thoughts.

You follow me through the internet wondering what I am really doing and whom I am with, you will never know if I am caressing his head as he lies between my thighs or if I am alone. I will not discuss personal information of that nature here and now or never.

You two are so happy together then why do you read my every word? Follow my twitter and fb? Why do you care what is going on in my life? Do you enjoy reading the trials and tribulations of my life as if I were a good novel? Do you get off on knowing that someone loves you beyond the word love and would do whatever to help you and make you happy?

Are you so self-centered that you get rock hard reading how much I love you and care for you? I am not one of your groupies and have no interest in your title or fame as you damn well know. You have no idea the feel of my arms, the sensual kisses I give and the way I can touch a man’s body that makes him shiver with delight.

You have no idea what my love is capable of doing to your world and you lie with her trying to fill the void that I fill but she never will. She will never be more than she is and you say you love her but not in love with her, it’s quite possible to love and not be in love and that is what you are, from what I gather.

You have fucked so many woman and that is all you have done is fuck, you have no real concept of what sensual love is because if you did you wouldn’t be with her.  I will admit you are my great love but no man will ever be my entire world, not even you.

You two can go out and have a good time but the first chance you get you are reading my fb and my blog, so where is your heart? Do you even know? Do you even know what you really want  of life or are you moving so fast all you can think about is the next country you must travel to?

Am I jealous? Envious? Hell no because she hasn’t gotten the best of you, just tidbits of a famous life that is but a memory. She has no idea who you really are and what really moves you, she can never know because you never will let her know.

I am not waiting for you as my life has it’s own agenda which doesn’t include you any longer. I am moving on and James is helping me. He is a wonderful person, so helpful, kind, loving and he is there when you are not. You haven’t even taken the time to call me to see how my son is.

James drove me to Detroit last night to sign Ryan into another hospital and he was kind enough to listen to me as I ranted, cried and felt so loss and hopeless. He hugged me like I haven’t been hugged in so many years and it felt good, comforting and he cares, where you do not.

It’s fine as I do not rely on you as you are not reliable or care enough to want to be with me in my time of deep need. There once was an open spot next to me in my bed for you but no longer as I have moved on even though you are my greatest love.

The Greatest Love Of All

I know people that have been married over fifty years and I know widows that have never remarried, those were their “greatest love of all”. That kind of love is rare and when you have it you know it, it’s not the “puppy” type love as I refer to it as. Loving has degrees, levels and depths and most people never even scratch the service.

My adolescent “greatest love” was when I was in ninth grade, he was tall, long hair, “suck you in” eyes and a sweetheart. He was your typical Aquarius and odd but true we melted into each other. To this day I think of Tony and say a prayer for him as he was murdered at nineteen.

Now that I am in my early fifties, I have buried a husband that I loved but was never in love with and nor he with I, I ran, walked, stumbled, tripped and dove into my current “greatest love of all”, we have never met but the connection is there. It is living and breathing as you and I are and it grows each day as a beautiful flower in a field. I am a dreamer but this is no dream this is as God intended it to be.

The love I have for this man doesn’t even fall in the same category as love but I am without words to express the depth of it. When you want nothing but the best and happiness for someone even though they are with someone else and you don’t matter, that is beyond love.

I see his smile and hear his voice and the angels are singing and yes he is that special to the world and I of course hold him within my very veins as he flows threw me every second of every day. It’s an odd thing the emotion of love and it is all consuming when you have the greatest love of all. I will never remarry again as I consider myself married to this man through the eyes of God.

We came together in the oddest of circumstances and almost four years later we still are within an unseen reach. He may wish that I forget him but his wishes will never be answered because he is my greatest and that is it, that’s it and it’s non negotiable. Am I denying myself and also hurting myself?

No I am not because I am open to dating but there will never be anyone that can remove this man from my life, it’s impossible. When you experience your greatest love of all there is no turning back, turning away or denying it. It consumes your entirety and one accepts that as the feelings are cloned tenfold and knowing that even in my mind at times I feel like letting go, I just cannot.

My prayers are always with him and I will always want the best for him regardless of how he lacks feelings for me. It’s all good because the greatest love of all I am experiencing and that is more than I can say for most people.

Crack In The Mirror

Hey there

mirror

I am looking 

at you and 

Who do I see

Hello mirror

Mirror, it’s only

Me

Imperfections

Sadness at 

Best

I have given

To all the 

Rest

Takers and 

Shakers

No miracle 

Makers

No players like the

Lakers

Mirror mirror

On the wall

You have a huge

Crack

No it’s not

Small

I see the crack

Run through my

Face 

And I see

Much disgrace

Abandonment

Discarded and 

Forgotten

By most

It’s such 

A shame

I will a be

Your host.

Lash Out No More

I cannot understand why people lash out at others when they are hurt, relationships go south and that is life. Why slash tires, break windows, damage reputations and hurt others because you are hurting. Rejection has always been part of my life and yes I have been hurt, hurt very deeply and I have lashed out but not in a damaging way.

When you love someone it is your gift to them and if they turn their back on you do not let it take you so far down you cannot recover. People need to grow in their own way and time and nothing anyone can do will change that. If the person you love is loving someone else wish them the best not the worse.

I cannot hate for very long as it can consume me and I will not be devoured by pain and the man I love, yes I do wish him and his gf the best because that is me. I want to see the world happy and if I cannot be part of his life there is nothing to be gained by wishing him an unhappy life.

He has always wanted a daughter and he even named his child that hasn’t been conceived Salina. Men have no clue that they do not decide the sex of a child, it is the woman’s body that makes that decision, so blame the woman. He may just have a daughter in the womb of his lover, who knows? Who cares? Not me.

I will continue to pray for him everyday and wish happiness and love for him but I will not shed another tear over what never happened and I will not lose sight of myself because “we” are not together. Anger is unhealthy and hate is damaging to self so why hurt yourself because someone doesn’t love you back?

I have love from God and that sees me through the darkest hours of the darkest days, I pray for peace, love and happiness for all that have left their tracks on my life and I want no harm to come to anyone in the world. My day will come when it is meant to but it hasn’t so far but I am not letting go and giving up.