Counselor My Ass

I’ve been seeing Barb my counselor for the past few months, I think it’s time for us to part as she has a thing about me smoking weed. She also started riding my ass about my dress-to much clevice and she thinks I should wear a bra. I do not think my dress is inappropriate but evidently she does.

I think she fails to realize I am paying her and she isn’t paying me, I personally don’t care what she thinks because I have a medical marijuana card and my shrink even agreed she rather me smoke a joint than take about a dozen pills a day. She says it makes me look like some kind of addict.

I am trying to get in and see this other therapist who is a no bull no-nonsense therapist. She tells you like it is so I have heard from another patient. I need someone to slap me in the face with reality and she may be the one that does. This thing with Ryan has got me so messed up, I mean I actually could not have lived if my son had died.

The grief would have been too much as the coincidences and reminders of how his dad died have all come to the surface and it’s like deja vu but in my case it happened. To see  my son intibated like his father was, was such a vivid reminder that I actually looked at Ryan and saw Bob momentarily.

You won’t believe this but when I was at the hospital sitting next to Ryan looking at the tube down his throat and the iv’s, the heart monitor and I started to cry. I felt a hand on my shoulder but didn’t turn around and the voice said, “Kim our boy is going to be alright”.

It was my husband’s voice and it was so comforting and caring, when I lifted my head to look there was no one there. I felt a calm come over me and I knew that Ryan would be fine. My fears were all gone and I felt such a weight off my shoulders.

Once again, I have to take the medical profession by the horns and find a different counselor. Nothing against Barb, but we are no longer a fit and I have outgrown her. So many people stop counseling when they don’t like the counselor, they should look for another counselor.

People say counseling doesn’t work, yes it does you just have to click with your counselor and that isn’t easy for anyone to do. Yes, you can out grow your counselor and it’s time to move on and find someone else so you can start dealing with all the crap in the next phase of your counseling.

Where Does The Creek Lead To

When I was  kid we found these metal “boats” used to mix cement in, they were clean and we used them to cruise down the creek in. We had our red pop tied with a string to the bank so it would be cold when we returned.  We got so far and couldn’t go further.

Being the intelligent know it all kids, we actually thought we could paddle up stream. It didn’t work of course so we had a hell of a walk back. We started off by the tressel and there was also a tree fort. We got back from our long walk and went to get our red pop, of course it was gone because we didn’t tie it good enough.

We then decided to go up into the tree fort, and I had to pee. We opened the door to go down and  I peed not aware of the friend of mine climbing up the tree. Yes, he got a golden shower and no he did not like it and was really pissed off at me. Hey I didn’t know he was climbing up and I had to pee, o well shit happens-get over it.

I miss being a kid and recently have been looking back and remembering the few fun times I had as a child. Sometimes, you have to go back to go forward and I am ready to move forward. Life is kind of trying at this time but I do believe things will change  by my birthday in Novemberr.

The Lonely One

I have an online stalker and I really have not a clue of what he wants. I am not beautiful or thin, young and carefree. I am a fighter and scrapper and do what I have to, to get through each day. I have nothing to offer him as I am not wealthy I am only myself and I guess I am such an odd duck that he just can’t let me fly away.

He refuses to meet me or talk to me online and tell me who he really is, even though I already know. He plays games constantly and I just do not get it. He is approximately 7 years younger than I am so I do not see the attraction, I just do not get it. All I know is I have fallen crazy in love with him and I could kick myself in the ass for it.

His world is going to take a huge change shortly and he will be much happier and that makes me happy. I am glad for him because it is about time he started to relax and enjoy life more. I cannot see him  unhappy and I can see he will be quite happy soon enough. I want the same for myself but that has yet to come.

I am beginning to think that he has a lack of self-control, along with possible instability. People want what they cannot have, and some refuse to accept that and move on. He is involved with someone and doesn’t want to let them go and refuses to let me go, now I would say that is a pickle without the burger for sure.

One thing I do know is my life is no longer on hold for him and it is just a matter of time before I finally meet someone and my life will change drastically. He will no longer be part of my thoughts or my blogging, no more in my dreams, hopes or wishes. He will eventually get bored and forget all about me.

I Wonder

I know you are sleeping at this moment and I wonder if you are sleeping next to her. I wonder if your arm is around her belly swollen with your child. I wonder if you are going to marry her and I wonder how I fit in your life. Do I fit in your life or am I just entertaining.

Do you care at all for me? Do you love me or think you are in love with me? If you think you are then you must meet me to know for sure. Are you afraid that reality may ruin your fantasy? Is it safer for you to stalk me online and watch from a distance?

What do you want from me? You see the personal hell I deal with day in and day out and you do nothing to help me. Am I not worth helping? Loving? I’m only one person trying to make it on my own and it’s damn hard and you make it harder. Make my life easier and talk to me, tell what is really going on and where I stand if I stand at all.

I am not sitting around waiting for you to knock on my door, no I am trying to deal with all the things happening in my life. If someone comes into my life and there’s an attraction then I’m gone simple as that. Life must move on and that includes my own.