Growing Up Again

I lived with my mother until I could escape and I got a job, apartment, car and all the good stuff money brings with it. I was doing very well for myself and being single I drank up life with vim and vigor. I traveled and partied, had wild sex and great times.

Then, I got married and life became about the kids, everything surrounded the kids and we had no relationship romantically. No, my husband and I were best friend and the almost eighteen years together had done that.

Then, he checked out-poof, gone in a heartbeat and I was left alone with the kids. I became dependent on my husband and now I am learning to become dependent on myself and it sux. As soon as people find out you’re a widow, they are like blood suckers and want to suck every dime out of you.

I seriously need a break from the bullshit and need to breathe some fresh air and relax. I am wrapped tighter than a rubber band wrapped around a pencil and paper clip. I’m really bored with my stalker and have just about lost interest in him.

You can play hide and seek for so long and if I can’t find you then I get bored and move on. This has all been a fine fairytale and mildly entertaining but it’s time to grow up and be an adult and act accordingly, that would be impressive.

So Quickly

I just put my profile up on several sites this afternoon and I already have several fish on the hook! I honestly didn’t expect to get responses this quickly but it’s fun. I don’t find myself to attractive but I am sexy and sensual and that I am sure of, even if you think otherwise.

You have to have confidence in yourself and feel good about yourself no matter what your body size is. My beauty is inside and I am a beautiful person and so are you. I will not let anyone tear me down and make me feel less than I am. I have had to fight my way the last six years and I’m pretty stable finally.

I really need a distraction and I really do not want to hear his voice, just do me and go-sometimes it’s best that way but men, they always want to hang around. They don’t get the hint you just want to fuck them and push them out the door. That’s exactly how I feel about men at this point in my life.

Satisfy me and go because I am so sick of the insecure, have to control relationship types and I do not have the time to waste with their blubbering and wailing like a child when I tell them goodbye. I cannot see myself in a long term relationship for someone, quite sometime to be exact.

I’m sick of talking to stupid men and men trying to rip me off. I had one guy write me a quote to lay some carpeting, this asswipe wants $17.00 an hr but didn’t put how many hours it was going to take him. Daaahhhhh, like I’m a stupid cunt right? This shit pisses me off because it insults my intelligence.


So Many Lack

So many people lack confidence, they fear rejection and do not want others to see the real person that they are. They hide within themselves until someone special comes into their lives and opens Pandora’s box. This person is understanding and accepting of all of your faults and failures and they still lift you up.

They see the real you, the person you don’t want others to know because the pain in your life paints your heart a deep crimson and you fear that color will be brightened once again. You cannot bare the pain that comes with love and lost of love and you do not know how to move forward.

You seek love at every turn and think you find it over and over because you are actually in love with being in love. You so enjoy the feeling of being in love that you get into relationships that end up draining you and taking a part of you out the door. You refuse to accept the truth before you and you fight it every day.

The woman who should be in your life is before you but you are too foolish to let her in. You waste time with one that will not fulfill you even though you accept what is offered on the surface. Side by side night after night exhausted and not missing sex does not make a happy relationship.

The relationship you seek is true, all-consuming and you think of no one but her all day and dream of her at night. You stalk her and fantasize about her touch and you touching her. You dream of making love to her and think of her when you are making love to AB, it’s time to stop and look at where your life is headed and who you plan on being with forever.

Let Go

My Dear Stalker,

 I know it must be difficult for you to want to be with me but cannot. I understand the pressures of your career and the demands on your time. I am glad I have been able to be your fantasy but my sweet, it’s time to wake up. You know I am nothing but your fantasy but love I have to have real love in my life and I am sorry I can no longer fulfill your dreams and wishes.

You have a girlfriend so be happy with her, build a life with her and forget about me. You have to let go of something that you do not have a hold of and you must move forward and leave me behind. Why do you wish to torture yourself so by reading everything I write? Following me around the internet?

Let go love and be happy with the lady you are with now. Why are you so fascinated with me anyway? You might want to sit down and think about why you are so attracted to me or interested in my life. You have no plans of ever meeting me so what are you getting out of this anyway?

Why Do Stalkers Stalk?

Dont be afraid my dear take my hand you are safe

Are y0u going to let another year go by without touching me? Smelling me? Kissing me? Are you going to continue to live in fantasy instead of making it reality? What are you afraid of dear? Does the thought of me letting you down or you becoming completely captivated by me scare you the most? Whats the worse that could happen? You are not attracted to me or I you? What could be the worse thing ever? We share a drink or meal and finally have our questions answered?

 Come get me you chicken shit, lmao cant handle a real woman can you? You are so afraid that I might eat you alive, lmao but I bet you can give as good as you get roflmao!!!!! You really need to be more secure in yourself, you are afraid I would blow you off and your ego couldn’t handle that now could it???? You aren’t all that Gabriel even though the world may you think are or were, you are just a regular insecure man. My life isn’t the greatest but I would never date anyone for their money or their fame, can the women you spend your time with say the same thing??? NOPE!!!!

A man of true power goes after what he wants and nothing gets in his way of achieving his goals. A man knows what real love is when he wants to give from his heart not take what is given. He lets himself be consumed by the love in his heart for another and he let’s himself love unconditionally the women of his hopes, and dreams and she becomes his reality. You know who really loves you and who you really love yet you fear allowing yourself to open your heart.

Stalkers are weak and lame as they do not have enough self esteem to make themselves known to their victim. Stalkers have little self control and enjoy playing with their victim as well as leading them to believe the stalker is capable of a healthy relationship and that they love their victim. Stalkers go after people they cannot have because they are a piece of shit that do not know how to have healthy relationships. Stalkers will fantasize and wish they were with you while they fuck someone else in your place and a stalker never gets the person they want because they live for their dreams not reality. Stalkers are cruel and enjoy inflicting pain on their victims and they do not care about anyone but themselves.

Stalkers have a deep seated fear of rejection because they feel inadequate to their victim even though they want to be with that person. These type of people will do everything they can to keep their victim from meeting anyone because they see themselves with the person eventually. These type of people have inflated egos and deflated self esteem when it comes to having a relationship with their victim. They live for kind and loving words from their victim and they are constantly seeking their victims attention and need to know that their victim loves them back or cares for them as they rely on their victims words to make or break how they feel about themselves.

The majority of stalkers have been in a prior relationship with the victim, although some stalkers have only an imaginary relationship with their victims. Offenders often refuse to accept the end of the relationship and to give up their hold over their victim. The primary motives for stalking include power, control, and possession.
The majority of stalkers have been in a prior relationship with the victim, although some stalkers have only an imaginary relationship with their victims. Offenders often refuse to accept the end of the relationship and to give up their hold over the victim.
There are some gender differences in stalking. Although historically women have been most likely to be victims of stalking, some recent studies have shown that women are just as likely as men to stalk and even be violent.

Men tend to underreport stalking by women because they do not see women’s pursuit tactics as threatening. Male stalkers are more likely to ignore rejection and exaggerate signs of acceptance by the victim.
Early dating behaviors such as persistence, intimidation, and mild violence may foreshadow potentially violent and aggressively persistent behaviors as the relationship progresses (Williams & Frieze, 2005)
Stalking is rooted in a culture in which romance is associated with the pursuit of a reluctant female by a persistent male (Lee, 1998). The stalking behavior may be seen by the stalker as romantic rather than intimidating, but the fear experienced by the victim is a more reliable indicator of stalking than the intention of the perpetrator.
The internet can increase stalking by promoting a false sense of intimacy and a misunderstanding of intentions. Also, the relative anonymity and the propensity for disinhibited behavior can promote greater risk-taking and asocial behavior by a greater number of people (Finn, 2004).

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I have lived in a state of denial for way to many years and I am finally accepting the truth. I have been so desperate for support that I have actually fallen in love with a cyber stalker. I know it is a sad state to be in but when you have no one to turn to you grab hold of the first life raft that floats by.

He offers me nothing and for some reason I have finally woken up to the fact that there is no us. I wonder if that is part of my illness? Imaging that someone I have never met loves me, have I gone crazy? Have I completely lost site of where my life should be headed? When you have a mental illness, you never know what is real and what is not as what I thought was real between us, never existed at all.

I believe I am slipping back into sanity and seeing life as it really is for the first time in a long time. Life is an empty circle with dead leaves, life is walking down the street and stepping in dog shit, life is lost in never land and I am lost with it.  One thing I am certain of is the next man I am involved with will be damn lucky because I  am a damn good woman and hard to replace as I am so unique in so many ways.

You may think I am conceited but I am not, I am building up myself because I have no support to build me up. I know who I am and who I am not and I have a definite direction I must follow. What will be will be and that is the way live goes, accept what is and put aside the denial, move the hell on and forget the past.


Ok, it’s time to admit I am one twisted human being, I like to do weird shit that most people would never think of. I’ve been known to dance with a mannequin, walk in six inches of snow to the mail box naked, moon someone who pissed me off in Wal-Mart. Yes, I do shit like that just because.

I have no reason or rhyme I just act out in outrageous ways because I enjoy it, and I love to laugh at myself. I have just been contacted on one of the dating sites by a gentlemen that is exactly like me! Now that is quite unexpected but we are having a great conversation and who knows, this might be fun.

I am not trying to make anyone jealous especially my stalker as he gets crazy and does some strange shit, I just want the world to know that I am still desirable and always lovable. I will not spend my life alone any longer and I am searching for fun and another twisted human being like myself.

The Search

I’m going back on the dating sites, I do not enjoy going out to the bars so the online sites are so much easier for me. I am trying to be sneaky so my stalker doesn’t pretend to be one of my suitors. It makes him crazy that I am looking for another man but what the hell am I suppose to do?

I will not wait for him and his girlfriend to break up and he knows it’s just a matter of time. If he was so happy with her he wouldn’t care what or who I am doing. I think it’s creepy to follow someone’s every move online, it’s called stalking and it’s creepy. What the hell does he want?

Go away already and let me try to repair my damaged life, my life needs so much and you offer me nothing, my son tries to kill himself and you know I have no one and you still refuse to come to me and be my support. Well you are no longer welcome in my life so go back to AB, try to be honest with her for  a change if you ever want to be happy with her.