I like history and I like watching about history on tv. I am fascinated with Hitler, yes I realize what he did and that is what I find so fascinating. How can one man get a nation to believe every word he says? How did he do that? Where times so bad that he was the only hope so the people thought?

His testing on twins and the deformed was unbelievably cruel and being so devious he had gas chambers built for human extermination. Did people follow his direction out of fear? Committment to his cause? I never seem to be able to watch a complete show on the Nazi era but I do find it so very interesting from a psychological point.

I enjoy watching and studying people and I find it funny that my stalker can’t seem to figure me out, like I am a puzzle. I am simple to understand, it’s when you try to understand me to hard is when you get screwed up. I am straight forward and honest I want him but I am so lonely that I will settle for less just for comfort. 

I know I should wait for when we can meet because we will meet eventually or should I try to fill the void in my life and do what is best for me. Of course I am going to try to fill the void but honestly, I do not see that happening. When I commit to something or someone I do not turn my back and walk away. I never seem to want to give up, that is the fool in me.

Dating Sites

I have forgotten how stupid men are on the dating sites. They post pics of their member like that is suppose to impress me? It doesn’t in the least because I am a tongue fan always have been always will be. Men need to show their faces and say something good about themselves other than “Hi I’m john and I have ten hot inches waiting for you”.

Every dating site revolves around sex except the religious sites and frankly I am to naughty to even think about corrupting some God fearing male. I just wish dating were easier but it’s just like a job and takes so much damn time it is already old and I haven’t really begun yet.

My Friend


I have one friend that is special to me, he is there even if he hides. He is there when I need a shoulder to lean on even if the only shoulder is a telephone call. He is special to me and I wish I could let him go because it hurts so much not to be with him at this time. I ask him to leave my life and he will not.

What do I do? Keep loving from a distance or bring someone new into my life? I am trying to bring someone new into my life because my heart cannot take the pain any longer. I will eventually find someone to fill his shoes and I hope it’s sooner than later. I love you babe and you know it, if you love me, why don’t you show it?

Slow down take a break you need to rest and eat better, what do I have to do beat your ass? You  are killing yourself at the pace you are going so slow down and get more rest at least.

Our Naughty Side

Everyone has a naughty side, you can deny it but you know it’s the truth. I like to write about erotic fantasies of my own and have a blog that I share these fantasies eroticfantasylife.wp.com I do not consider my thoughts “dirty” just normal especially for someone who hasn’t had sex in three years.

Yes, I am aware this is a very unhealthy lifestyle but I just cannot jump into bed with someone, it’s not that easy for me. I have to know something about the person more than their first name. How do I get satisfied? using toys of course and the jets in my bathtub. As a mature woman I enjoy an orgasm several times a day if at all possible but usually I am lucky to slip one in.

My kids know I have toys because as kids they have been snooping into my nightstand drawer. Kids always think their parents drawers hold secret prizes for them to take but they end up cracking up because they have found a sexual aid, which of course also grosses them out.

I finally have doors on my bedroom and basement and yes they  have locks on them. Unfortunately I have no choice but to have a lock on my door as I will have to keep all the knives locked up and the meds, its called suicide prevention as I can no longer trust Ry not to hurt himself.

Back to my erotic blog-I do not find it in the least bit offensive but some of you might, I am not ashamed of my body or any of my pics or words that I have written. I am who I am and that is not going to change, take me or leave me. I am quite comfortable in my own skin and few women that are BBW cannot say that.


The Branch

Life is nothing more than a series of branches and we must decide which branch to turn to. The simple beauty of rain drops falling off the branches makes me feel so calm and serene. artwork invokes different emotions within me. I hope the photograph that I took below will make you feel something to

Multi Colors

Have you ever completely shut out the world, closed your eyes open your arms wide and whirl in a circle feeling life? Have you ever noticed how the world is multi colored? Have you ever stood in the center of no where and just enjoyed the serenity of the moment?

Bet you haven’t done any of the above and think I am  a freak of nature. Well, that is really sad because absorbing the beauty that is before us and doing it away from everyone else gives you a new perspective on what is really important in your life. All the crap is weeded through and the important things comes bubbling up to the surface of the brain.

The world is such a beautiful place and I am not so sure that it is round, I mean all I have done is read that it is round but have no proof. It’s like we have been taught Christopher Columbus discovered America this is a lie, he did no such thing as he was the second man to discover America.

I think there is beauty within every person, even the ones I have no use for. We are all beautiful beings with a purpose and a mission and do not believe otherwise. Do an act of kindness today and see how it feels, it feels good and it is rewarding. It would be so nice if there was a day specific for random kindness.

I know I am a dreamer and dreamers appear to be flighty and flakey and maybe I am but that’s ok because being flaky requires butter so butter me up and eat me.

Fakes And Phonies

I read some of the blogs posted and it cracks me up as I know they are men writing pretending to be women, they pretend to live in let’s say England when they really are in Texas. What’s the point of writing a blog when you  aren’t honest with anyone including themself. 

A certain blogger believes I am writing about them because the initials I have been using are the same. Arrogant? Ignorant? Unsure of themselves, feeling guilty? I have no clue but if they feel I am writing specifically about them, then they should no longer read my blog. I could give a fuck about anyone elses life at the moment as my plate is overflowing.

As most of you know I have an online stalker, he has already located me on a dating site and I have no idea how to shake this dude. He needs to concentrate on his gf and be honest about his fetish for me. How can you build a relationship with someone when you  are attracted to someone else.

Isn’t it interesting that men do shit like that behind their wives and gf backs? How many of you think you know your significant other? Don’t fool yourselves because you do not know that person like you think you do. Proof is in a divorce, that is when you see the real person and what they are capable of.

I went to the cemetery this morning and bitched out Bob, I must have looked like a lunatic as I ranted and raved and kicked at his grave. It’s odd how I think he is alive still at times and how angry I am at him and want to slap the shit out of him. He babied the kids and did everything for them and I mean everything.

Not allowing your kids to grow up really hurts them later in life, like right the fuck now in high school. My husband’s mother always babied Bob’s brother because he was asthmatic and Bob had to do cut the grass ect. because his brother could not. Bob was never shown any affection as a child and he raised our kids the same way.

My husband only hugged be several times during our 18 yr. marriage, he wasn’t affectionate at all so to make up for that he bought the kids everything they wanted and did everything for them. He was a quit gregarious guy, people loved him and yes he could charm the panties off a nun and my son has the same charm.

My husband turned our entire town against me when we were getting divorced, that is how small this town is, the cops were ticketing me for no reason, seriously now that is plain fucked up but a small town people talk and the story always gets bigger and better as it is passed on.

All because of Bob my neighbors are cold as ice to me even to this day. I am not a hunter but I do believe if you can’t shoot a dear, hell shoot your neighbor. I know, shitty attitude but the guy is a moron, seriously gives me the creeps and I never wanted my children alone with him because he is creepy, like bad creepy.

I recorded Titanic blood and steel, I think it’s about the building of the Titanic and what the men went through. It’s a several hour series and it looks so interesting. I know most of you think how boring it would be to sit and watch that but hey, I like history, I like learning so I’m a geek but I’m a damn cool geek, just ask my son’s “friends”.


When This Woman Loves A Man

I am sure most women will frown when they read what I have to write but I was raised by a southern grandmother that fed a huge family. Everyone came over for sunday dinner, my grandmother would go ring a chickens neck, chop of it’s head and hang it from the side of our swing set to bleed out.

Then she would heat up a huge vat of hot water over a fire, she didn’t do one chicken she did a lot of chickens. She would put them in the boiling water which helped with the removal of the feathers. My aunts and uncle and their kids would come over and then there were my great aunt and great uncles.

My family is twisted, no two ways about it-my uncle fell in love with this girl and he went to war, well his brother fell in love with her and they got married. My other uncle came back from the war and the three of them lived together until my one great uncle died after like thirty years of marriage to this woman.

As soon as my uncle died, my other uncle married his original great love and they lived happily until she got cancer and died. You see that is what a great love is, he loved her so much he waited for even though his own brother was married to her. Hey, I don’t know maybe he was doing her when his brother was at work, don’t have a clue.

Any,  I love to cook and bake and I really enjoy taking care of a man. Bathing him, massaging him, feeding him, taking care of him, arousing him and sexually satisfying him. I prefer a man run the house and take care of all the bullshit and I cook and take care of the satisfaction part.

Have It

I try to fool myself into thinking that I have it together but the truth is I am so fucking scattered I do not know which direction to go any longer. If it isn’t one tragedy it’s another, it’s as if there is a black cloud over my head and I cannot lose it. I hate to say this, hell no I don’t I am looking forward to my son graduating and going off to college.

These kids have put me through hell and so has my family as they chose to drop like flys the last six years. I already know the next several years are going to be a bitch as Saturn is in my sign and sign is a teaching planet. When saturn affects you shit always goes bad so you can learn from it, aren’t I the lucky one.

It’s ok because I am getting prepared for my new life without my kids and frankly I am looking forward to it. I am a good mom but I can tell you to do over again, nope – I don’t like kids that much. I get along with them good but they are so emotionally draining I am worn out. I haven’t had any time to myself to process my husband’s or father’s deaths and I really need a break.

I’m thinking about taking a little vacation maybe Thanksgiving, it all depends on what is going on with Ry. What I would give for a week on a sandy beach and peace and quiet. What I would give for a nice bottle of wine and holding hands with someone in the evening breeze.