The Him

He’s a perfect dime, a perfect ten in my eyes, no he is not perfect but I prefer to look at the good side of him instead of the bad, and yes he is a bad boy, a very bad boy indeed. He’s got the most engaging smile and bright green eyes, he’s got a well manicured goatee which makes his lips kissable to me.

He is tall and that makes me feel safe and he is just a big kid at heart, a little boy inside that is gifted in so many ways. He’s very sensual and sexual and he has a huge sexual appetite that he can never satisfy with the right woman. He doesn’t bed a woman every night as he is to dedicated to his position in life.

I just wonder if I will ever be in his arms, am I in his dreams? Does he think about me? I wish I had answers to all these questions so I would know what direction to go in in my life. I am not on hold because of him but if he plans on being part of my life then it would be kind of nice if I knew.

What I Want

I want a simple life with a ranch home with a lot of open  land, some horses, chickens, a garden and a huge professional kitchen. I will eventually have my dream when I sell this huge house when Ry graduates. I want to share my life with the one I love and make his world so happy.

I want to take care of him, make him laugh, be the thought that makes him smile and be the one he always dreams of. Is that possible, I have no idea but a simple life with him is all I need to make my world happy and complete. I do not know if he could even live that way or not as he like the best of everything.

I want him to love me back, kiss me passionately and make wild passionate love to me, I want to share the shower with him and go to sleep with his arms around me. I want to wake up with my hand on his chest and just smile at him as he sleeps. I want to serve him breakfast in bed and lick syrup off his chest.

Where Is The Laughter

It’s so quiet around the house and there is no laughter, Ry made me laugh and I miss him so much. He will possibly be transferred to another mental health facility for possibly up to ten days. If I refuse to pick him up from the hospital he will be going to a shelter and I cannot let that happen.

I’m so afraid to bring him home and he may try suicide again so I do not know what to do, I just cannot let my child go into a shelter until they can find him a home and if they did find him a home I am afraid that he will kill himself. I want my baby home and this is so hard for me.

This is the time I need “him” I wish he were here to hold me and make me feel something besides sadness, I am a good mom but sometimes I feel like a huge failure. So where has all the laughter gone? Will it ever return to my life? Am I ever going to be with the one I love or is that a pipe dream?

I’m pretty much stuck until after Christmas as I have a court date the end of this month and the end of December to wipe my record clean. Then I will have my life back finally and I can breathe slightly.

Fall

I really like fall and walking hand in hand in the park, enjoying the fall colors and the cool air. I like hot cider and donuts and fresh apples to bake apple strudel, fritters, pies ect. This time of year is so damn lonely for me as I have no one to walk with and enjoy the weather with.

The fall is so gloomy and really brings be down and I can see nothing but clouds and no sunshine. I need sunshine to keep me from getting the winter blues. My stalker I will never meet and trying to wean myself from that situation as it is not beneficial to me what so ever. I wish I knew what he wanted from me or if he has just gotten so caught up I am like drinking coffee every morning or reading the paper. 

It’s as if I have become  a habit or a good novel to keep up with. He sees how I am fighting and does nothing to help me so I guess he really doesn’t care and why should he anyway?

Why Not

So many people say “why me”, I ask why not you or why not me, we are not special and bad things happen so good things can come into our lives. I have had so many bad things happen that I expect things to go south and when they go right I am so happy. People blame God for their troubles and some even have  eliminated God from their lives yet in their hour of need they are calling out his name.

I believe the man above has great plans in store for me and the next couple years are going to be major changing years. They are not going to be easy but I will learn a heck of a lot. I do not know where I am headed but it’s in the right direction I have no doubt. I do hope I finally meet my great love because that would really make life easier.

I have survived so much and been through so much but I am still a bulldozer and can continue to move forward. A blogger said to me that I was an inspiration, I do not feel like one but I have fought a good fight. I fight for myself and my children, I fight to make this world a better place, I fight for the ignored handicapped and I fight for you as well as myself.

I have this great plan to help the people of Nigeria with housing, food banks, medicine ect. I have had this dream for several years and once my son graduates I will be putting my plan into action. I have friends that live in Nigeria and the knowledge I have can make a huge difference in their lives.

There are too many children in third world countries that are starving and dieing everyday and I can do something about it and I will in time, everything takes time. It takes time, money and donations and since I am excellent with sales that will not be too difficult to obtain. 

So many people blame Nigeria for scamming and I agree there are scammers there but they are everywhere and use Nigeria as not to bring notice to where they actually are. You can pay one person in Nigeria and live in England or the States and fly there to collect your cash.

It’s not rocket science but people can never see beyond what is in front of their faces and I am no exception to that rule. My own ignorance is apparent when it comes to my great love. I refuse to see what is truly before my eyes but I am beginning to accept the truth.

My My

Well poor James is really wanting me to go to court this morning as his own parents are not going. He was in the car with John when the dumbass went over and pissed off his girlfriends grandparents and they called the cops. Then he was supposed to take James home because he had been up all night and he fell asleep in John’s car.

John went back over the grandparents house after I told him not to and both got arrested. James got arrested for having a pipe and weed in his lap and John for trespassing. These stupid ass kids never listen and learn. I will show up for James because the kid really has no one in his corner.

James is a good kid it’s John that is the bad seed, his own parents say he’s an asshole, lol. The kid was supposed to move in the basement then I found out the little fuck doesn’t even have a job. Well, that is just to bad because he messed with the wrong person,lieing to me and not even calling to see how Ry is.

He was using my son so now it’s time for me to pull out my bag of  “your fucked” because I am going to burn that kid like he has never been burned. John might as well bend over and kiss his ass goodbye because I have a plan in place to save James and torch John. It’s not nice to try to fool Kimberly, o no.

 

Doors

I am so glad Ron came by and put up the doors for me it’s nice to have privacy and I can shut the world out if need be. I can lock up the knives and meds when Ry comes home. He called yesterday and was much nicer to me so the meds are finally working, he was so pissed but has calmed down.

I cannot imagine how he feels at his age and all that he is going through. I have no doubt a lot of this has to do with Bob and I am sure myself as well. It’s so hard to see my son go through so much at his age and I can do nothing to help him but love him. He says he doesn’t believe in God and I rightly cannot blame him.

So much has gone wrong in the last four and 1/2 years and the kids have been put through so much. I think he still believes in God but is angry at him for so much pain he has been through. I wish I could just hug away his pain and fears but it’s not that easy and being a mother makes it so hard because I cannot rescue him.

Cheap

You can always tell a man who is cheap when you go on certain dating sites, most of the sites want you to join of course but I am not spending a dime because there are to many scammers on the sites.

The serious ones join and have full access. Not that they are serious either but you have a better chance of meeting someone who is a full member. My profile even says they need full access to contact me but the stupid fools still contact me and I cannot contact them.

No big loss as far as I am concerned, as I am in no rush to meet anyone as I must investigate them before I deal with them. O and let’s not forget my stalker, he’s already found me on one site, he wastes no time as he was already on there scamming away.

It’s so easy to tell a scammer when you have dealt with them before so I do not get my hopes up or waste too much time playing with them. It’s a shame life is like this but that’s the way it is and I deal with it accordingly.

The Silence

The silence in this house really is strange as I am used to Ry being here with me. It’s not easy getting used to entering a house by yourself when you was always noise when you opened the door before. It’s comforting in a way and peaceful and I can lie on my couch in my jeans and topless.

I decided to treat myself since I have been put through hell. I went cyber shopping and bought some corsets, over the boobs and a couple under the boobs. They are fun white, red, and black and pink-they are going to be fun to wear, I put them on and take some pics and then put them away in hopes one day I can wear them for my great love.

Sometimes you just have got to reward yourself because nobody else will reward you that’s for sure. I like lingerie, I like it a lot and think every woman should wear lingerie, for herself if no one else. We are sexual beings and should enjoy the simple pleasures of life and lingerie is one of them.