Before The Rain

I talked to him today, his voice is so soothing and calming. He says he loves me and he sounds sincere but I do not know if he means it. Why would two people who have never met keep in contact with each via phone? What is the point of staying in contact?

As long as I have feelings for him I can never meet anyone else even though I am trying. I have joined several dating sites and the one thing I cannot understand is why are all the men posting penis pictures instead of face pics? I mean you seen one head you’ve basically seen them all.

Personally, the size is important and must fulfill the needs of the female but it’s not that important so why post your penis guys? This dating online is nothing but entertainment as you cannot take any of these guys serious and the scammers have already began to hit on me.

Most do not even read your profile, I like tall men at least 6 ft. tall and who contacts me? A guy 5’7″ wtf? He was really kinky too, wanted me to degrade him as that made him feel good. He wants a dominant woman which I am but this guy was out there, I mean really out there, short and unattractive to me.

He needs to look for a s&m woman, he really likes to be hurt and I can’t be hurting people but some people cannot get off unless they are abused. I don’t understand why and have no interest in understanding why but I will have no part in it as it’s just to out there for me.

I guess it’s just not meant to be for me to meet someone but I will keep trying and see what happens. My life is so dull I doubt anyone would really want to be part of it. Actually my life isn’t dull, there’s just always something bad happening and this trend has got to stop.


I was looking through a package of photos of the kids, they grow so fast don’t they? I look at Shelby and Ryan when they were 5 and 3 and how damn cute they were. I remember dressing up like a witch at Halloween and Ry was scared to death of me as he didn’t recognize me. I remember making crab for dinner one night and I started chasing Ryan with a crab claw and he ran like crazy scared.

I know it sounds mean but it was funny as hell, it really was. I ran across one photo of Bob and myself and it reminded me how we have few pictures of us together. Seriously there may be four or five at the most. What about our wedding pictures? Well, my gf took the pictures and not one turned out, what a way to start a marriage.

It’s sad when I think back how we were just friends and not really marriage partners, yes we had sex not often but we did until he became impotent. No, I did not go out and cheat, he took care of the situation the way a man should. I can remember my husband saying no to sex many a night when he wasn’t impotent.

He would actually turn down sex because he said he was wore out and sore, lol.  I look back with blandness, I don’t see good memories of us, not one and that is so sad. I just feel nothing when I look back, I look back and I see the kids growing as Bob worked a lot and we hardly saw him.

When he lost his leg because of a dr.s error he changed so much, he no longer wanted to be with us as a family he kept himself occupied by cleaning the house and cutting the lawn. we just existed for eighteen yrs. There are so many people out there that are living the same way.

They love their spouse but the in love is gone and there is no more spark in your marriage but you stay just the same. The thought of divorce is to much of a bitter pill to swallow so you carry on. Then one day out of the blue, your spouse hands you divorce papers and you are totally shocked.

That’s basically what happened with Bob and I, I told him I wanted a divorce but I didn’t file for about six months and when I did he was blind sided. He never thought I would go through with it and then he became very mean and ugly. He thought there was another man but there was not

Days before the divorce was to be final, we got back together, then we found out he was sick and had only a month to live. We came home and started getting things ready and the first two weeks he could walk by the third week he needed a cane then wheel chair and the fourth week he couldn’t get out of bed.

He died peacefully at 1:11 p.m. and the kids got out of school at 2:35 and didn’t get home until 3:00 p.m. Bob’s body had been removed before the kids got home and I had to tell them that he had died. The shock went through each one of us as we hugged and cried, from four to three is hard when he shouldn’t have left us.