Growing Up

Our children grow up so fast that we blink and they are adults. My daughter wants to be a judge one day and I have been able to secure her a job with my attorney when she graduates in May. We went out shopping today because she needed some boots for winter and she found some she really liked so of course I bought them for her.

I was able to save ten grand for each of my kids before my husband could spend it, I had money put aside to cover college but he pissed it away. My daughter is finally realizing that she cannot afford an apartment and school and she is also knows that if her and her boyfriend break up she needs to live somewhere and home is the place.

tomorrow we go before the court to see what will happen with my kids, Ryan wants to stay with me and Shelby wants to stay at her boyfriends, cps is going to recommend to the court that Shelby return home and the court generally adopts cps recommendations. I am looking forward to rebuilding a relationship with my daughter before she fly’s the coop.

Then on Thursday I go on trial for a felony charge which is bullshit and even the probate judge said the same thing and that will be used in my favor during the trial.  My attorney isn’t worried one bit so I guess I won’t worry either about the outcome, the cops think they are judges and juries these days and make some real stupid mistakes which cost them.

I love my kids but it’s time for me to find my own way and Ryan will be gone in two years and I will be by myself completely. I need to meet someone or my house will be full of dogs again, lol. I want to be able to not worry any longer about my son committing suicide and I hope we can get through this terrible phase in his life.



Not everyone has a soulmate, soulmates are brought together by a power stronger than any of us. You can meet your soulmate anywhere at anytime and you don’t always instantly know when you have met that person. Soulmates have an unspoken connection that cannot be described.

You may be very attractive and your soulmate is not attractive to you or others at all but you find something so interesting and mysterious about that one person that constantly attracts you. You may never have met your soulmate but you know there is a connection stronger than anything you have ever felt.

Soulmates, in my opinion are brought together for a special purpose, they have power individually but together they are stronger and more powerful. Soulmates are constantly thinking of each other and no it’s not the same way people in love think of one another.

Soulmates do not look at love the way others do because what they have is a connection deeper than the bone, it goes to the marrow. Nothing can destroy a soulmate connection and they do not have wondering eyes as the pull to their mate is to strong and they fit together like a hand and glove.

When you  are so attracted to someone you want to be with them every minute of every day and the attraction is so, so deep and not like any relationship you have ever had you know you have met your soulmate. Sometimes we meet out soulmate at a young age and sometimes we do not meet them until we are older.

The way I see soulmates is two people who have a “mission” that can only be completed by these two individuals. They change the world in a special way, may it be big or small they make the change happen. These people have such an attraction to each other they can not walk away from each other.

The Man In Me

Men are taught not to cry and if they are taught that it’s acceptable, society blows that thought pattern right out of their minds. Men are not emotional creatures usually and when they are in a relationship they do not look at it the same way a woman looks at it. Men tend to look at life logically and women emotionally.

Men generally do not understand women because of the emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are emotional because that is where we draw our strength from. We raise our children with love and empathy while dad’s tend to raise their children to be sports oriented and non emotional.

Men do not hug and kiss their children the way women do and emotions are so powerful that we tend to go to mom for most of our lives. Mom’s cooking sets the bar for many relationships, yes food has a very strong influence on us and how we engage with others. There is no one like mom and mom’s advice tends to be wanted daily.

I am a very emotional person, too emotional in fact but that is my make up and I cannot change that. I totally understand a man’s desire to have sex often. Men are here to procreate and there is no two ways about that, a man is supposed to plant his seed in the woman. Sex is demanded in a man’s mind because just like the dolphin they enjoy it.

Sex should be fun and exciting for all involved and experimenting keeps the bedroom playtime fun and fresh. So many women frown at experimenting or wearing sexy lingerie, they are shocked if their man wants to bring a third-party into the mix and going down on a man is just for the pre-marriage phase.

The problem with relationships is people act one way to get you and then once they have you they stop doing what caught you to begin with. When people are in a relationship they feel secure and get lax when it comes to keeping life fun and exciting. Sex is the most important part of any relationship and do not fool yourself ladies and thing otherwise.

The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.



The Scam

Dating scammers are on the rise and I am one that has experienced it and learned a great deal from it. Scammers prey on the lonely, they are very good at making you feel good about yourself and they are master manipulators. They tell you they are in England or some other country and they lost their passport or some other bullshit and they get you to send them money.

They like Western Union because it is hard to trace in another country and you cannot get any help from our own law enforcement. They basically tell you that you have been duped and you are a dumbass for falling for the scam. You have to be very computer savvy and smart enough to get the ip-addy from any emails that are sent to you.

One good way to protect yourself is to use, this site will help you weed out the scammers, first copy your email header and trace it, you will get the ip address, then take the ip-address and check it, it’s a fake ip or one in the middle of Kansas somewhere.

The damage these scammers do is unbelievable as they can destroy a person financially as well as emotionally. My daughter’s religion teacher is involved in a scam and she doesn’t even know it. She has told her students inappropriate things about her life and she moved to my state and knows nobody and has no friends.

There isn’t a dating site that the scammers are not on and they go after you as soon as you register onto a dating site you start to immediately receive emails  from the scammers telling you how good and honest men they are, how they are looking to get married and blah, blah, blah.

They don’t care if you send money to them for next months rent or for food, all they care about is the money and getting their hands on it. They do not care about you at all and only lead you to believe that they do and they will never return the money and do not give a shit if you starve or lose your place of residence.

I have learned not to fall for their trap and not a penny will leave my bank account to “help” anyone else. I am no longer stupid to the ways of the scammers and I have found you cannot meet anyone online because the scammers have infiltrated every site possible to meet anyone.

I fell for a scammer years ago and I am still trying to recover from the damage to my heart and bank account, yes I was stupid and sent money, not once but several times. I was sick at the time, I quit taking my meds for bipolar disorder and fell victim but I finally got help and got back on track with the meds.

I live on social security and at the time I cashed in my 401K and sent it away to the scammer. Do you think he cares? Do you think he will return the money? No way and yes he has asked for more money but that will never happen again. He doesn’t love me or give a shit about me and no we will never meet.

He is holed up with his lovely gf and I mean nothing to him, not a damn thing and no he doesn’t care what state of mind I am in or where I live. He just wants money, money, money because he is used to living the high life and yes he lost a lot in his divorce and he is rebuilding and stock piling cash to retire.

I thank God everyday that I have found out the truth and even though I am still somewhat emotionally attached to this person after all these years, I am no fool any longer and just waiting for the right guy to come into my life. Someone that cares about me and respects me for who I am and doesn’t ask for money.