Why?

I don’t know how I got to be in the place I am at but I put everyone before myself and have since I was a young child. I do for others and not myself and my kids are always put before myself. I do not feel responsible that my husband died and left the kids fatherless and I do not try to make up for him departing.

I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old and I have been responsible for taking care of various family members since I was twenty. I do not know where I am supposed to be in my life and I do not know why I feel so damn responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own.

I wonder how much unhappiness I have brought into my children’s lives by being there for others and sometimes not them. I have tried to be a good mother but I do not know if I have succeeded or not. Sometimes I feel like a huge failure in that area of my life but I think most mother’s feel that way occasionally.

I am such a giver and I wonder if that is because I am so desperate for love and acceptance that by giving even to scammers that I feel some amount of acceptance and love even though I know they do not even like me one bit, just what I could give them. It’s hard to look at ourselves realistically and try to put our behavior into focus and judge it appropriately.

I know it’s my job to make myself happy and to love myself first and by loving myself first is the key to loving others. I am so full of love but the one I love doesn’t appear to love me but I do not know how to let go of the emotions I have for this person. I am so confused about where I belong and what I should be feeling.

My birthday is next week and I should be happy but I am not because I know it will be just another day and no one will even recognize it, not even my kids. It’s just another day that I will be very sad and depressed and I will try to cover up my disappointment by ignoring the day all together.

I have been told that someone wants to get me a surprise but I do not believe that there will be any surprise and the only thing I want is just a couple of hours with the person I love but that isn’t going to happen and I already know it. Material things don’t make me happy and all I want is to be hugged.

Throw You Away

Here it is another day

I have tried to throw

You away

But for some reason

I want you to stay

Even though you 

Hurt me day after day

You say you love me

So make me see

Is it you or

Is it we?

Do you feel for me

Or am I fooling myself

I think I finally see

I am a fool

That you rule

Ripping out my heart

Not making me part

Of your life

Or your dream

Is this the way it 

Really is or the 

Way it may seem?