Why?

I don’t know how I got to be in the place I am at but I put everyone before myself and have since I was a young child. I do for others and not myself and my kids are always put before myself. I do not feel responsible that my husband died and left the kids fatherless and I do not try to make up for him departing.

I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old and I have been responsible for taking care of various family members since I was twenty. I do not know where I am supposed to be in my life and I do not know why I feel so damn responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own.

I wonder how much unhappiness I have brought into my children’s lives by being there for others and sometimes not them. I have tried to be a good mother but I do not know if I have succeeded or not. Sometimes I feel like a huge failure in that area of my life but I think most mother’s feel that way occasionally.

I am such a giver and I wonder if that is because I am so desperate for love and acceptance that by giving even to scammers that I feel some amount of acceptance and love even though I know they do not even like me one bit, just what I could give them. It’s hard to look at ourselves realistically and try to put our behavior into focus and judge it appropriately.

I know it’s my job to make myself happy and to love myself first and by loving myself first is the key to loving others. I am so full of love but the one I love doesn’t appear to love me but I do not know how to let go of the emotions I have for this person. I am so confused about where I belong and what I should be feeling.

My birthday is next week and I should be happy but I am not because I know it will be just another day and no one will even recognize it, not even my kids. It’s just another day that I will be very sad and depressed and I will try to cover up my disappointment by ignoring the day all together.

I have been told that someone wants to get me a surprise but I do not believe that there will be any surprise and the only thing I want is just a couple of hours with the person I love but that isn’t going to happen and I already know it. Material things don’t make me happy and all I want is to be hugged.

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