Does It Hurt?

What hurts your heart? What tears you up inside? How does it make you feel? How do you take each step to get through the day if you are really upset? I do not know myself but I can tell you I am feeling every question without any answer. I do not know how I feel about anyone or anything and I had such direction at one time.

Now I feel lost and uncertain, I feel standoffs and I also feel abandoned which I should be able to accept with no problem as I was abandoned at the age of three. I have secretly believed in someone for so long but now I am realizing I have gained very little from this “union in my mind”.

I don’t feel anger or resentment in fact I feel nothing for which I am glad. It may be the full moon affecting me but I guess one good thing is any decisions I make during this time will be final and in cement. So, you see it’s fine and I will be ok and of course I will miss him but I will get on just fine, thank you.

It’s not that I have strength, no I just happen to choose to deal with most situations logically instead of letting my emotions take over. My emotions can drown me so I steer away from them as much as I can and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Life can be funny sometimes in not a funny way but hey the bitter with the sweet, always the bitter with the sweet.

Jel-looooooooooo

What are you doing for Halloween? I will be down at big Rick’s and Lynn’s doing jello shots and passing out chips. Every year these two and quite a few other neighbors hand out shots and beers, it’s candy for the adults and it is damn fun. I really enjoy Rick and Lynn and Rick watches over me like a mother hen.

Rick and Bob were really good friends and it tore up Rick when Bob died. Rick has offered me his manly “services” jokingly but he truly is a great guy.  I called Rick and had a talk with him about what I had found and he didn’t know anything about it, no I am not jealous at all, when two people are separated they are going to venture off into the wild blue yonder.

But you do not spend your children’s money on anyone but them, but money does strange things to people now doesn’t it?. My goal is to be debt free in two years and that will happen with no problem. I have some legal issues that are going to reward me handsomely and take care of my financial burdens.

How do I keep myself from having a meltdown? I look towards God, yes I know someone who acts like me be a believer? I am very spiritual and yes I pray to God and ask to help me keep the lid on the can of woop-ass, besides there is no one alive to woop-ass, damn now that really pisses me off.

He has made it so much easier to get rid of his shit that I keep finding, the only thing I haven’t pitched is the thirty boxes of nascar die cast that I am keeping for the kids to dump when they are like thirty. I found a pillow that hadn’t been washed and it had his smell on it. I threw that bitch in the hottest water my washer would put out and a ton of bleach.

Now I have a nice pillow that smell like downy and that works for me, that is because I do not have any men’s cologne that wasn’t his. Maybe I will go buy some just to turn myself on, lol. I have to keep my sense of humor or I will break down and I prefer to laugh then to cry, wouldn’t you to?

Where Did The $$$$ Go?

My husband spent every dime he got his hands on and I saved every dime I got my hands on. I put funds away for my children’s education and he spent every dime of the one hundred fifty some thousand dollars I saved. I had always wondered how he could spend that much money in such a short period of time and I found out today.

I never thought my husband could stoop so damn low but then again I am finding out that most men stoop just as low if not lower. I never paid attention to who was at the funeral or who was crying and now I wish I had. Sometimes, we want to think the best of people who hurt us when we shouldn’t think of them at all.

I can never let my kids know what I have found out as I do not want to tarnish his memory than it already is in their minds. His ex-wife had the nerve to tell my son he cheated on her and that is why they got divorced. Why did she feel it necessary to share that tidbit with my son?

I do not care what happens during a divorce as long as the kids are not brought into the mix but people seem to always use their kids when divorce is eminent. Things I thought my husband would never do he did tenfold and if he weren’t already dead I swear I could kill him.

Why do good people always get burned? Why do good people always get used and lied to? Why do good people get shit on at every turn? I do not deserve the crap I have been put through and I do not appreciate another bitch in my bed, if you know what I mean. I wonder if I do not have a fuck me sign on my back anymore.

The Scattered Mind

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I feel like I have jumped off a huge cliff and hit bottom and bounced back up, that is what my life is right now with my son. He is giving me such a hard time about going to school, he pulled the migraine headache this morning and I couldn’t get him up. He stayed up to late of course and was too tired to goto school.

He wants me to let him do online schooling which is bull because he won’t do the work no matter what and I already know this. He is so damn manipulative people get sucked into his way of thinking and they go against what I say. Well guess the fuck what? I am his mother and he will do as I say.

He has my mind so damn scattered because we go round and round and nothing gets accomplished. He just has no desire to do anything and I am so sick of cleaning up after this kid I could scream. He makes me feel like I should just lie down and drift off into a permanent slumber.

I haven’t smoked a joint in a week but I sure need one now just to mellow me out so I don’t choke him to death. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son but two bipolar people in the same household isn’t easy to live with when one isn’t following the program.

He is so damn smart and creative I wish I knew what to do for him to make him happy but I am totally clueless as what to do. I cry over him so much, more out of frustration than anything else. If he had a girlfriend that would change his world but that won’t happen until next year I fear.

I am the faceless scream in the dark of night

That has no power over his plight

I try as I may

To make a happy day

But there is just no way

To reach him today
I know not what to do

For this child gives me no clue

I wish someone would say

I am here to help you today

He wants me to let him do online schooling which is bull because he won’t do the work no matter what and I already know this. He is so damn manipulative people get sucked into his way of thinking and they go against what I say. Well guess the fuck what? I am his mother and he will do as I say.

He has my mind so damn scattered because we go round and round and nothing gets accomplished. He just has no desire to do anything and I am so sick of cleaning up after this kid I could scream. He makes me feel like I should just lie down and drift off into a permanent slumber.

I haven’t smoked a joint in a week but I sure need one now just to mellow me out so I don’t choke him to death. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son but two bipolar people in the same household isn’t easy to live with when one isn’t following the program.

He is so damn smart and creative I wish I knew what to do for him to make him happy but I am totally clueless as what to do. I cry over him so much, more out of frustration than anything else. If he had a girlfriend that would change his world but that won’t happen until next year I fear.

I am the faceless scream in the dark of night

That has no power over his plight

I try as I may

To make a happy day

But there is just no way

To reach him this way

I know not what to do

For this child gives me no clue

I wish someone would come my way

And help us find a good day

 

Cut Losses

When you love someone, really love them and you feel like they are your soul mate, no you know they are your soul mate but they don’t seem to think so when do you cut your losses and move on?

Do you wait for them to come to you or do you walk and not look back? How do you know when it is time to say so long? How does your heart learn to let go and open up for someone else?

I am so lost and confused when it comes to this part of my life that my head is spinning. He is with another woman I am sure and I feel like a complete idiot hanging on to thin air. So how do I make that final decision to wait or to go?

He reads my blogs practically the second I post and I do not understand why. Is he so conceited he must know what I write, hoping I am writing something juicy about us or him? Does he really want to be with me but is being held back for some unknown reason?

He won’t be here for my birthday, which will be of no surprise to me as he never comes to me even though he knows how hard I fight to make it through each day. I am beginning to think I should have cut my losses and ran a long time ago.

Young Love

Young love is so sweet, so fragile and so deep and my daughter is experiencing this exact thing. She and Leo met in ninth grade. He took her to the prom but she didn’t like him but wanted to go to the prom. Then he asked her out months later and that was the beginning of me losing a part of my daughter.

When your child falls in love, serious love they write you off like a bad check. They have a backup that will pit themselves against you when they are not happy with the way you treat your child. Leo has made some serious errors as a boyfriend by telling me how to raise my daughter.

I have banned him from my home and my daughter is now living with him because of cps. We have no family so she had been given the right of where she wanted to live instead of going into foster care. She was in foster care for two weeks and I went crazy over her “care giver”.

I went to see my daughter, which I wasn’t suppose to do or know where she was staying. This woman opened the door with a nighty on clear up to her kitty and it had holes in it. She swore at me and that did it, I turned her in and cps interviewed my daughter to see if I was lying.

My daughter didn’t even have a sheet on her bed, there was dog piss everywhere and the woman even said she was a foster care participant for the money only. They did finally remove her as a foster care participant. This really affected my daughter terribly and as I drove away she sat on the porch crying.

This ripped out my heart so that is how she ended up at Leo’s. I went to court yesterday and my daughter has to come home for the weekends and her attorney totally agrees with me that she should not be living with her boyfriend. The young love she is in could end up blowing up in her face.

What will happen if they break up? Where will she live then? In foster care again and I will not have that. We talked about her going to college and the settlement money will not be enough every month for her to be able to afford an apartment. She will receive six hundred dollars a month for the next four years and I explained to her that law school is very expensive.

It cost like fifty grand for law school so I have got to figure out a way to get the money. She is going to be working and going to school but how is this young love going to sustain? I hope she ends up being so busy she doesn’t have time for him but I think I am just going to have to bite the bullet and accept Leo.

The one thing I cannot deny is how perfect they are for each other. They both have lost their dad’s and Leo seems to think he knows how I feel losing my husband. He has no clue and my parents divorced when I was three so I know what it is like not to have a father around but not how I would feel if I was seventeen and lost my dad.

I can never understand the depth of loss my daughter feels as she was a daddy’s girl. She stays busy so she doesn’t have to think of all that hurts her so bad. She is very closed and keeps her own council most of the time. She is a beautiful girl and she wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful.

Her attorney agrees that my family needs to rebuild our foundation and the judge ordered Shelby home on the weekends as a step towards bringing her home. In January we will be going back to court and she will be ordered home but she turns eighteen the seventeenth of January so she could turn right around and move back in with her boyfriend.

I need to get the money to buy her a car and I do not have that much time left that she will get social security and I am trying to pay off her private schooling. Leo will be around probably for the next year and then he may no longer hold her attention but I do not know, so I have to support her choice in boyfriends.