The Scattered Mind

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I feel like I have jumped off a huge cliff and hit bottom and bounced back up, that is what my life is right now with my son. He is giving me such a hard time about going to school, he pulled the migraine headache this morning and I couldn’t get him up. He stayed up to late of course and was too tired to goto school.

He wants me to let him do online schooling which is bull because he won’t do the work no matter what and I already know this. He is so damn manipulative people get sucked into his way of thinking and they go against what I say. Well guess the fuck what? I am his mother and he will do as I say.

He has my mind so damn scattered because we go round and round and nothing gets accomplished. He just has no desire to do anything and I am so sick of cleaning up after this kid I could scream. He makes me feel like I should just lie down and drift off into a permanent slumber.

I haven’t smoked a joint in a week but I sure need one now just to mellow me out so I don’t choke him to death. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son but two bipolar people in the same household isn’t easy to live with when one isn’t following the program.

He is so damn smart and creative I wish I knew what to do for him to make him happy but I am totally clueless as what to do. I cry over him so much, more out of frustration than anything else. If he had a girlfriend that would change his world but that won’t happen until next year I fear.

I am the faceless scream in the dark of night

That has no power over his plight

I try as I may

To make a happy day

But there is just no way

To reach him today
I know not what to do

For this child gives me no clue

I wish someone would say

I am here to help you today

He wants me to let him do online schooling which is bull because he won’t do the work no matter what and I already know this. He is so damn manipulative people get sucked into his way of thinking and they go against what I say. Well guess the fuck what? I am his mother and he will do as I say.

He has my mind so damn scattered because we go round and round and nothing gets accomplished. He just has no desire to do anything and I am so sick of cleaning up after this kid I could scream. He makes me feel like I should just lie down and drift off into a permanent slumber.

I haven’t smoked a joint in a week but I sure need one now just to mellow me out so I don’t choke him to death. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son but two bipolar people in the same household isn’t easy to live with when one isn’t following the program.

He is so damn smart and creative I wish I knew what to do for him to make him happy but I am totally clueless as what to do. I cry over him so much, more out of frustration than anything else. If he had a girlfriend that would change his world but that won’t happen until next year I fear.

I am the faceless scream in the dark of night

That has no power over his plight

I try as I may

To make a happy day

But there is just no way

To reach him this way

I know not what to do

For this child gives me no clue

I wish someone would come my way

And help us find a good day

 

Cut Losses

When you love someone, really love them and you feel like they are your soul mate, no you know they are your soul mate but they don’t seem to think so when do you cut your losses and move on?

Do you wait for them to come to you or do you walk and not look back? How do you know when it is time to say so long? How does your heart learn to let go and open up for someone else?

I am so lost and confused when it comes to this part of my life that my head is spinning. He is with another woman I am sure and I feel like a complete idiot hanging on to thin air. So how do I make that final decision to wait or to go?

He reads my blogs practically the second I post and I do not understand why. Is he so conceited he must know what I write, hoping I am writing something juicy about us or him? Does he really want to be with me but is being held back for some unknown reason?

He won’t be here for my birthday, which will be of no surprise to me as he never comes to me even though he knows how hard I fight to make it through each day. I am beginning to think I should have cut my losses and ran a long time ago.

Young Love

Young love is so sweet, so fragile and so deep and my daughter is experiencing this exact thing. She and Leo met in ninth grade. He took her to the prom but she didn’t like him but wanted to go to the prom. Then he asked her out months later and that was the beginning of me losing a part of my daughter.

When your child falls in love, serious love they write you off like a bad check. They have a backup that will pit themselves against you when they are not happy with the way you treat your child. Leo has made some serious errors as a boyfriend by telling me how to raise my daughter.

I have banned him from my home and my daughter is now living with him because of cps. We have no family so she had been given the right of where she wanted to live instead of going into foster care. She was in foster care for two weeks and I went crazy over her “care giver”.

I went to see my daughter, which I wasn’t suppose to do or know where she was staying. This woman opened the door with a nighty on clear up to her kitty and it had holes in it. She swore at me and that did it, I turned her in and cps interviewed my daughter to see if I was lying.

My daughter didn’t even have a sheet on her bed, there was dog piss everywhere and the woman even said she was a foster care participant for the money only. They did finally remove her as a foster care participant. This really affected my daughter terribly and as I drove away she sat on the porch crying.

This ripped out my heart so that is how she ended up at Leo’s. I went to court yesterday and my daughter has to come home for the weekends and her attorney totally agrees with me that she should not be living with her boyfriend. The young love she is in could end up blowing up in her face.

What will happen if they break up? Where will she live then? In foster care again and I will not have that. We talked about her going to college and the settlement money will not be enough every month for her to be able to afford an apartment. She will receive six hundred dollars a month for the next four years and I explained to her that law school is very expensive.

It cost like fifty grand for law school so I have got to figure out a way to get the money. She is going to be working and going to school but how is this young love going to sustain? I hope she ends up being so busy she doesn’t have time for him but I think I am just going to have to bite the bullet and accept Leo.

The one thing I cannot deny is how perfect they are for each other. They both have lost their dad’s and Leo seems to think he knows how I feel losing my husband. He has no clue and my parents divorced when I was three so I know what it is like not to have a father around but not how I would feel if I was seventeen and lost my dad.

I can never understand the depth of loss my daughter feels as she was a daddy’s girl. She stays busy so she doesn’t have to think of all that hurts her so bad. She is very closed and keeps her own council most of the time. She is a beautiful girl and she wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful.

Her attorney agrees that my family needs to rebuild our foundation and the judge ordered Shelby home on the weekends as a step towards bringing her home. In January we will be going back to court and she will be ordered home but she turns eighteen the seventeenth of January so she could turn right around and move back in with her boyfriend.

I need to get the money to buy her a car and I do not have that much time left that she will get social security and I am trying to pay off her private schooling. Leo will be around probably for the next year and then he may no longer hold her attention but I do not know, so I have to support her choice in boyfriends.

Why?

I don’t know how I got to be in the place I am at but I put everyone before myself and have since I was a young child. I do for others and not myself and my kids are always put before myself. I do not feel responsible that my husband died and left the kids fatherless and I do not try to make up for him departing.

I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old and I have been responsible for taking care of various family members since I was twenty. I do not know where I am supposed to be in my life and I do not know why I feel so damn responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own.

I wonder how much unhappiness I have brought into my children’s lives by being there for others and sometimes not them. I have tried to be a good mother but I do not know if I have succeeded or not. Sometimes I feel like a huge failure in that area of my life but I think most mother’s feel that way occasionally.

I am such a giver and I wonder if that is because I am so desperate for love and acceptance that by giving even to scammers that I feel some amount of acceptance and love even though I know they do not even like me one bit, just what I could give them. It’s hard to look at ourselves realistically and try to put our behavior into focus and judge it appropriately.

I know it’s my job to make myself happy and to love myself first and by loving myself first is the key to loving others. I am so full of love but the one I love doesn’t appear to love me but I do not know how to let go of the emotions I have for this person. I am so confused about where I belong and what I should be feeling.

My birthday is next week and I should be happy but I am not because I know it will be just another day and no one will even recognize it, not even my kids. It’s just another day that I will be very sad and depressed and I will try to cover up my disappointment by ignoring the day all together.

I have been told that someone wants to get me a surprise but I do not believe that there will be any surprise and the only thing I want is just a couple of hours with the person I love but that isn’t going to happen and I already know it. Material things don’t make me happy and all I want is to be hugged.

Throw You Away

Here it is another day

I have tried to throw

You away

But for some reason

I want you to stay

Even though you 

Hurt me day after day

You say you love me

So make me see

Is it you or

Is it we?

Do you feel for me

Or am I fooling myself

I think I finally see

I am a fool

That you rule

Ripping out my heart

Not making me part

Of your life

Or your dream

Is this the way it 

Really is or the 

Way it may seem?

Growing Up

Our children grow up so fast that we blink and they are adults. My daughter wants to be a judge one day and I have been able to secure her a job with my attorney when she graduates in May. We went out shopping today because she needed some boots for winter and she found some she really liked so of course I bought them for her.

I was able to save ten grand for each of my kids before my husband could spend it, I had money put aside to cover college but he pissed it away. My daughter is finally realizing that she cannot afford an apartment and school and she is also knows that if her and her boyfriend break up she needs to live somewhere and home is the place.

tomorrow we go before the court to see what will happen with my kids, Ryan wants to stay with me and Shelby wants to stay at her boyfriends, cps is going to recommend to the court that Shelby return home and the court generally adopts cps recommendations. I am looking forward to rebuilding a relationship with my daughter before she fly’s the coop.

Then on Thursday I go on trial for a felony charge which is bullshit and even the probate judge said the same thing and that will be used in my favor during the trial.  My attorney isn’t worried one bit so I guess I won’t worry either about the outcome, the cops think they are judges and juries these days and make some real stupid mistakes which cost them.

I love my kids but it’s time for me to find my own way and Ryan will be gone in two years and I will be by myself completely. I need to meet someone or my house will be full of dogs again, lol. I want to be able to not worry any longer about my son committing suicide and I hope we can get through this terrible phase in his life.

 

Soulmates

Not everyone has a soulmate, soulmates are brought together by a power stronger than any of us. You can meet your soulmate anywhere at anytime and you don’t always instantly know when you have met that person. Soulmates have an unspoken connection that cannot be described.

You may be very attractive and your soulmate is not attractive to you or others at all but you find something so interesting and mysterious about that one person that constantly attracts you. You may never have met your soulmate but you know there is a connection stronger than anything you have ever felt.

Soulmates, in my opinion are brought together for a special purpose, they have power individually but together they are stronger and more powerful. Soulmates are constantly thinking of each other and no it’s not the same way people in love think of one another.

Soulmates do not look at love the way others do because what they have is a connection deeper than the bone, it goes to the marrow. Nothing can destroy a soulmate connection and they do not have wondering eyes as the pull to their mate is to strong and they fit together like a hand and glove.

When you  are so attracted to someone you want to be with them every minute of every day and the attraction is so, so deep and not like any relationship you have ever had you know you have met your soulmate. Sometimes we meet out soulmate at a young age and sometimes we do not meet them until we are older.

The way I see soulmates is two people who have a “mission” that can only be completed by these two individuals. They change the world in a special way, may it be big or small they make the change happen. These people have such an attraction to each other they can not walk away from each other.

The Man In Me

Men are taught not to cry and if they are taught that it’s acceptable, society blows that thought pattern right out of their minds. Men are not emotional creatures usually and when they are in a relationship they do not look at it the same way a woman looks at it. Men tend to look at life logically and women emotionally.

Men generally do not understand women because of the emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are emotional because that is where we draw our strength from. We raise our children with love and empathy while dad’s tend to raise their children to be sports oriented and non emotional.

Men do not hug and kiss their children the way women do and emotions are so powerful that we tend to go to mom for most of our lives. Mom’s cooking sets the bar for many relationships, yes food has a very strong influence on us and how we engage with others. There is no one like mom and mom’s advice tends to be wanted daily.

I am a very emotional person, too emotional in fact but that is my make up and I cannot change that. I totally understand a man’s desire to have sex often. Men are here to procreate and there is no two ways about that, a man is supposed to plant his seed in the woman. Sex is demanded in a man’s mind because just like the dolphin they enjoy it.

Sex should be fun and exciting for all involved and experimenting keeps the bedroom playtime fun and fresh. So many women frown at experimenting or wearing sexy lingerie, they are shocked if their man wants to bring a third-party into the mix and going down on a man is just for the pre-marriage phase.

The problem with relationships is people act one way to get you and then once they have you they stop doing what caught you to begin with. When people are in a relationship they feel secure and get lax when it comes to keeping life fun and exciting. Sex is the most important part of any relationship and do not fool yourself ladies and thing otherwise.