The Damaged Child Within

I have spent years in counseling on and off to help heal the damaged child within and I can say the counseling helped some but not as much as I had hoped. It is so hard to love yourself when you have always been brain washed to think you are no good, a useless person, unloveable and unwanted.

I do not live in the past but there are times when the past shows itself and I prefer not to look at the past. It is what it was and that’s life and some people let the past shape their future. I have suffered a lot of hurt in my life and it has made me the person that I am. We cannot let the ugliness of the past affect our present life.

People hold on to hate and anger like its a life raft which does nothing but push them further out to sea. I try to let go of anger I have and it is slowly dissipating. I have anger from my husband’s death but that is part of the grieving process and I am not as angry as I used to be.

At this moment I feel no anger towards anyone and I blame myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life. I have made some very serious mistakes in my life and my past is so far from Lilly white. I have to look at the good that has come out of the bad and focus on that.

If you choose to focus on the negative in your life then that is what you will draw to you but if you focus on the positive life isn’t that bad. I know some people are consumed with the anger of their past and that is so sad, when they could be happy and forget that garbage that hurts them.

Every once in a while I have the demons from my past pop up and yes I do get angry but I try to push that demon’s head back down into the past where he belongs but there is no doubt that we can never escape our past and we have to live with it no matter what. Our past does not reflect our future and I will not let it affect mine.

 

 

The Scam

Dating scammers are on the rise and I am one that has experienced it and learned a great deal from it. Scammers prey on the lonely, they are very good at making you feel good about yourself and they are master manipulators. They tell you they are in England or some other country and they lost their passport or some other bullshit and they get you to send them money.

They like Western Union because it is hard to trace in another country and you cannot get any help from our own law enforcement. They basically tell you that you have been duped and you are a dumbass for falling for the scam. You have to be very computer savvy and smart enough to get the ip-addy from any emails that are sent to you.

One good way to protect yourself is to use http://www.ip-adress.com, this site will help you weed out the scammers, first copy your email header and trace it, you will get the ip address, then take the ip-address and check it, it’s a fake ip or one in the middle of Kansas somewhere.

The damage these scammers do is unbelievable as they can destroy a person financially as well as emotionally. My daughter’s religion teacher is involved in a scam and she doesn’t even know it. She has told her students inappropriate things about her life and she moved to my state and knows nobody and has no friends.

There isn’t a dating site that the scammers are not on and they go after you as soon as you register onto a dating site you start to immediately receive emails  from the scammers telling you how good and honest men they are, how they are looking to get married and blah, blah, blah.

They don’t care if you send money to them for next months rent or for food, all they care about is the money and getting their hands on it. They do not care about you at all and only lead you to believe that they do and they will never return the money and do not give a shit if you starve or lose your place of residence.

I have learned not to fall for their trap and not a penny will leave my bank account to “help” anyone else. I am no longer stupid to the ways of the scammers and I have found you cannot meet anyone online because the scammers have infiltrated every site possible to meet anyone.

I fell for a scammer years ago and I am still trying to recover from the damage to my heart and bank account, yes I was stupid and sent money, not once but several times. I was sick at the time, I quit taking my meds for bipolar disorder and fell victim but I finally got help and got back on track with the meds.

I live on social security and at the time I cashed in my 401K and sent it away to the scammer. Do you think he cares? Do you think he will return the money? No way and yes he has asked for more money but that will never happen again. He doesn’t love me or give a shit about me and no we will never meet.

He is holed up with his lovely gf and I mean nothing to him, not a damn thing and no he doesn’t care what state of mind I am in or where I live. He just wants money, money, money because he is used to living the high life and yes he lost a lot in his divorce and he is rebuilding and stock piling cash to retire.

I thank God everyday that I have found out the truth and even though I am still somewhat emotionally attached to this person after all these years, I am no fool any longer and just waiting for the right guy to come into my life. Someone that cares about me and respects me for who I am and doesn’t ask for money.

The Walk

I walked the beach on a chilly October morning and as my bare feet dug into the cold sand and the wind blew through my hair, my eyes teared up thinking of what could be. I could see my hand in yours and I could see your smile with mine, the world is a better place because of us.

We are a force to be reckoned with apart but together we can change the world so completely that it would be unrecognizable. We have the love for mankind and we have the love of animal and nature. We are separated only by words and distance means nothing if the heart loves another.

We lie together in each other’s arms dreaming of our future together, a life filled with quiet moments of love and life. Am I lost in my own dream? Am I lost in my own moments? Am I lost in my own life? I shall hope not and pray you are in my arms before too much longer as I need you as much as you need me.

My Zeus

I miss my Zeus, Athena, Apollo and Pandora so much, these four were my miniature Yorkies that my daughter gave away because she was jealous of them. I got sent to jail because I was in my deceased dad’s home, I know it doesn’t make any sense and now I am on trial Thursday for a felony.

My daughter let me sit in jail for two weeks while she found homes for my dogs. She and her brother were taken away from me during a divorce and I got the dogs for company and Athena and Apollo had puppies. Zeus is a Morkey and he was such a loving dog and I miss them so much.

Pets can help us during the hardest times in our lives especially when we are alone. I have always loved animals and have found the love I couldn’t get from people from them. I am learning to trust a rabid dog more than people, which is so sad but it is the way of our world today.

My life is so lonely, so barren and empty and it has been for over twenty years, yes I was married but even that didn’t turn out right and we were going through a divorce got back together and told three days later he would die in a month and true to form he died exactly a month to the day.

My daughter reminded me today that my birthday is next week, not that it matters because it will be another lonely day for me. I do not go out because I am a private person and feel safe in my home. I do not drink so bars have no appeal to me and being my age doesn’t give much breathing room to meet anyone my age or close.

I am a good person but that doesn’t save me from hurt or heartache and one day I will have another pair of Yorkies to put a smile on my face and love in my arms. Do you think it is sad that I get my love from pets? Do you have any idea how people in the world are like me? So many elderly or handicapped people rely on their pets for a laugh, a smile and a bit of love.

I am an unconventional women in every sense of the word but when it comes to love I am no different from anyone else. All of us need to feel love and that is what makes us whole, it’s what makes us better people and love is like the weather, it will eventually blow my way one day.

Cry Of The Lion

Hold me

today

Make my life

This way

Full of

Love

And giving

Fill the world

With what it needs

Wont you help

Me please?

The cry of 

The lion

Is exactly what 

You hear

The people of 

The world

Crying for help

It saddens me so

That I cannot 

Quiet the cry

Of the lion.

Run The Mountain

Have you ever felt like running off a mountain into the air? Wondering will I fly or will I die? Have you ever wanted to run away from your life and run away from everyone? I wonder if I will ever fly, I wonder if I will ever grab the golden ring, I wonder if I will ever be able to help those that are in need.

I want to do so much for so many but barely can take care of myself right now, that will change in time of course but in the mean time I think of how I can make homes out of box cars and use solar power to provide the homeless with housing, I want to teach the world how to make use of food so it isn’t wasted.

I want to show the world how to prevent illness, and I want to show the world how to love. There is so much hate in this world and so much anger and resentment. People should not feel this way but this is the way life is now, people are moving so fast they no longer can enjoy their lives.

I so wish I could hug the world, I so wish I could take care of those that need help the most, I am a humanitarian, I am a giver of love and hope and I feel like I am losing myself layer by layer. I am starving for the very thing I am giving to others but no one can see me as I bare my soul to the world.

I feel naked and lost, unloved, unwanted and this is so unbearable at times I crawl into myself. I feel like a shattered mirror and when I look into that mirror I can only see pieces of myself. I feel scattered and trashed, I feel too much for to long for too many and I will come together in time.

In His Slumber

He thinks of her as he gets ready to fall asleep, he wonders if she is serious this time about leaving him. He can’t seem to keep a relationship alive for long and they have been communicating for over three years, she is the one that has been there for him and helped him in his hours of need.

She loved him for himself not who others think he is, she doesn’t care if he isn’t rich, she doesn’t want diamonds and gold all she wants is some of his time she can hold. She has forgiven him his terribly dirty deeds but he still cannot see the woman inside of she. He knows how special and different she is and hopes she will wait for him.

Hoping won’t make it so only his arms around her will make it so, He doesn’t want to lose her but he isn’t ready to show himself to her. He knows she is getting tired of being lonely and he knows she will find someone to love her only. All she would like to see is him happy, does he know this?

Of course he does but does he care? Does he know she is meant to be with him? Does he not believe in fate? Of course he does, but he just is too afraid to move forward and he can no longer hope to be happy with just one. His hurt is so deep and yes he still will weep but he has to allow her to love him just for who he is.

poly vu france

 

YOU’RE A REAL ASSHOLE-KISS MY ASS YOU DOMINANT PUSSY YOU ARE SO AFRAID OF ME, NOT SUCH A SECURE DOMINANT MALE NOW ARE YOU? TRUTH BE KNOWN YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH LITTLE GIRLS BECAUSE THEY ARE NO MENTAL CHALLENGE AND ALL PUSSY.

 

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Ok Mr. Smartass I assumed since you have lived and  traveled all over the world you would speak 8 languages, but I guess 8 isn’t write maybe more like4 or 5????? Why do you feel the need to “show me who is boss”?? Deleting profiles and emails doesn’t make you look to good. You are beyond bored with your life and find some twisted sense of empowerment to hurt me. I could have hurt you really bad as I could have posted your naked pics all over the net, but I didnt because I get no pleasure in hurting others. You have refused to meet me so I am moving on and leaving you behind. I no longer find any enjoyment out of writing because you have killed something inside of me. I have matured quite a bit this year and being a Scorpio, I no longer am a low form like the scorpion which is its own worst enemy by stinging its. I have finally reached the phoenix and it doesnt matter what you do I refuse to react. I reached out to you but you never took my hand so now I am opening up to meeting locals. I pray that you find the happiness you once felt and find peace in your heart. Every time you do something to hurt me it makes me sad.  Yes, at first it was pissing me off but then I handed that emotion to the universe and I feel calm and hopeful that you allow yourself to feel again and love again. Its really a shame you have wasted all of this time not meeting me but I cannot make you. Sending you peace because you have a restless soul that needs quiet.

No I do not speak French but he does, he speaks at least 8 languages and he travels extensively. He is up in France at 3 am reading everything I write and he no doubt wishes he was with me. He knows how much I need him and how much he needs me but he cannot come to me because he chooses not to.

He is as lonely as I but he will not do anything about it, or so I hope. Maybe he is lying next to her and he is happy and comfortable but I cannot see him happy with anyone but me. I am all he will ever need if only he could see that and he could really see me. I am a good person, a loving person but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.

I may not be famous and I may not be rich in dollars but I am rich in kindness and that is what really matters in this world. Everyone is a taker and few are givers, the givers always seem to get burned or hurt and I am no exception. All I know is when I love I love deeply and it is hard for me to let go.

No matter how much we may think we are the perfect person for someone else, if they do not think the same way then all you are doing is setting yourself up for hurt. I know I am perfect for him but that doesn’t keep me from looking for love from someone else who may just be perfect for me.