Only The Guilty

Are you cheating on your spouse, lover or significant other? Do you  have any idea how much you will destroy them when they find out? Maybe you are not cheating but you may be lieing to them regularly as he is with me.

He thinks I do not know or is it we choose to ignore that I know, no he continues to lie to me when I call him out on another lie. He won’t show up tomorrow, no he will just hand me another lie as why  he can’t be with me.

I do not know why he even bothers to lie as I already know there is no us, never was and never will be so why does he keep saying we will be together? It’s not like he has to lie to me because I wouldn’t know if it was the truth or a lie.

He gets nothing from me and never will again so maybe this is his sick idea of making me feel good. I don’t know what he is up to but it’s not going to be having dinner with me tomorrow, that I can bet one.

Treading Water

He’s got me treading water in the middle of the lake, will he come and save me or let me drown? Where is he when I need him the most? No where to be found so how long should I continue to tread? I cry for him does he care?

I hold onto him for life for breath for love but none is fourth coming as I sit here night after night. It’s a lonely existence as I tread water. Does he watch with interest or does he ignore my cries? He ignores those cries as my head goes under.


He walks out the door without giving me a second thought as he has his ipad packed for his next trip. He lies to me over and over as if I do not know, as if I am a fool that buys his lies. He isn’t with me so who is he with? 

It doesn’t matter does it, as long as he is with someone else, he is never with me. Should I cry? Should I walk away, should I just wait? No, I cannot wait for waiting is what has hurt me so badly as I sit here wondering where is my best friend.

The Giving Mom

With xmas around the corner I am hard pressed to come up with money to buy the kids presents. I am selling books and old vcr tapes on amazon and ebay hoping to get enough money to get Ryan a used ipad and used xbox since that jerk was in my house and ripped me off.

It is really a sad state of affairs when someone steals from you when your child is in the hospital and your mind has turned to mush. Somehow, somewhere I will get the money and buy him the new halo games. He is a gamer at heart and wins the games two days at the most after he has them.

I have a box to send out of the country and I am going to try to get it out of here next week. It’s just taking up space and I haven’t sent it because I haven’t had the money. Maybe it will get there by xmas because I am sending it by slow boat and I mean real slow boat.

Here I m again thinking of everyone but myself again but that is me. I am working on getting my money back from another jerk I was doing business with. When I get that back then I am going to start a mail order under my daughters name in January and teach her how to run a business, make money for school and be her own boss.

One thing I do well is selling over the phone and in person because I have that way with people. I don’t sell anything I do not believe in, wear or backup so I do not lie to my customers and people can tell and some can’t, in fact most can’t tell when they are being conned and some people I know, know that better than anyone.

I am seriously thinking about starting my own line of sex toys and items because it’s a huge market and I am really good at selling, like I said. I do not want anyone to have to support me ever and that is why I am doing all of this, to help my daughter and son and myself as well.

Men don’t seem to mind supporting women but I just do not like anyone feeling like they have to take care of me. I am more than capable of taking care of myself. I do not want anyone’s money and as far as I am concerned I feel as if I am already married to someone so I am good to go.

To be honest I am so scared to ever get married legally again and I do not know if I could do it, someone would have to drag me to the church because I would have a fast car waiting for me. Marriage is scary not the committment but the actual signing of the document.

Just Another Friday

Friday is my fifty-third birthday and it will have the same lack luster as every other day. My mother hasn’t sent me a birthday card in over thirty years and she never calls either. My kids won’t think much of it either but my daughter will say happy birthday to me and maybe my son will remember as well.

I know I shouldn’t expect anything and I don’t not really but it would be nice to have the man I love acknowledge my birthday with something besides a call. I am not greedy, I just would like to see a little appreciation from him that he at least cares. I simple birthday card can say so much.

Will he do anything to let me know he at least cares? No, he will do what he does every year, nothing. So why do I waste my time loving him? Damn good question and I ask myself that same question a lot lately. He said to me last night that my son and I are basically a mess.

Fuck you, is exactly what I said back, we are a mess? Look at yourself and see how damn happy you are, you aren’t happy at all and submerge yourself into work. I don’t care anymore because when you say anything about my kids you have basically severed all ties with me.

If I meant half as much to him as he claims then he would be here with me and not say a damn thing about my child. I am responsible for my  kids and bringing them into this world and when you say anything negative about them or myself you can just go screw yourself, that is fighting words and severing ties words.

Ringless Marriage

Do you feel like you are married to someone but you aren’t? Do you feel committed to someone you have never been with? Do you feel like you have a relationship but you really don’t? Well, then join my group of misfit lost souls belonging to the ringless marriage group.

Do you wonder how you got yourself in such a state? Don’t ask me, I am in the same boat using bubblegum to patch up the holes. I don’t know if it’s love or knowing that I have someone somewhere that supports and cares about me, but do they really care or not? What a bunch of misfits we are.

All I know is I am from a different time and place and I do not feel like I should be living in this time. I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I should be back in the sixties. I still believe in cooking from scratch, growing a garden and making my own baked goods. I believe in families eating dinner together, sharing a movie and some popcorn.

I believe in love and God and the making of a strong family unit. I believe in showing affection to your partner in front of the kids and I believe in cotton candy and going to the zoo. I believe in going to the park and having lunch from a picnic basket and holding hands in the rain.

I believe in the simple things in life because they make me happy, I don’t need fancy or expensive I just need a pair of strong arms to love me, guide me and straighten me out when I need it. I don’t need a big house and fancy car I just need someone who kisses great and wants to live a simple, happy life.

Ms. Right

I feel as if I am the perfect person for someone special, yes he knows who he is and I am sure he is feeling quite smug at this moment. He seems to always get what he wants but with me, well he will be getting what he needs. I confuse him, piss him off, make him feel fantastic and loved and keep him guessing.

He can’t figure out why he is attracted to me when there are so many beautiful women in this world he could choose from. I am not ugly but I am not a knock down beautiful woman either. I do ok and I am ok with who I am which is more than I can say for a lot of women.

I am Ms. Right and there is nothing he can do about it, which is what cracks me up. It’s called soulmates love, yes soulmates.  I will always be Ms. Right for someone special and you will be too, everyone has a Ms. Right or Mr. Right. We just have to believe and bring in positive into our lives.

The Happy Side

I can honestly say I am not unhappy but I am not happy and I just go through each day as it melts into the next. I think most people live life that way and I surely know that  way to many marriages and relationships are like that. I was in a marriage like that so I can back up what I say.

I do not believe life is meant to be that way for me, no I believe my life will be exactly happy. I know it will happen one day but damn that day is taking a hell of a long time to get here. I know what it will take to get there and that is sharing my life with someone who can understand me.

I am very simple to understand but people look at me and get so confused by my different sides that they cannot even begin to grasp the real me. I am like that algebra problem I could never solve, I looked at it and got overwhelmed, but then I stepped back and looked at the problem piece by piece.

That is the way you have to look at people, many different things make up a person’s makeup and you have to break down the personality in that fashion. I know someone who was raised on a farm and understands the importance of the land yet he is wealthy and also appreciates the finer things.

I just want to be happy with someone else and watch the grass grow, I just want a simple life that is quiet and enjoyable. I just want to watch the moon and the stars slowly kissing the one that I love. Is that asking to much? Am I wanting just to much for myself and another?

Moving To Fast

Everyone is moving so fast these days they have no time to enjoy their lives. I sit here day after day doing basically the same thing over and over because I have no money to fly away. I wonder if people move so fast because they do not want to deal with what is truly important in their lives.

People have kids, because they want kids and then when they realize how much kids change their lives they either no longer want to spend the time with their kids or they end up being a person’s entire world. It’s not good to let anyone be your entire world because you can end up getting crushed so easily.

If people would slow down and have a glass of iced tea on the back porch and just watched the grass grow they would be so much happier. People no longer enjoy the simple things in life or a simple life, the world is all about money and the more you have the more time you no longer have to enjoy it.

The only thing that keeps me going is God and what he has planned for me, I know that sounds stupid to so many but it is the truth and I believe he has a grand plan for me. I am not here just to take up space, no sir I have a purpose and I have already touched many people’s lives.

I am not an angel, I am not regular either as I am different for whatever reason. Some people think I am weird, some think I am wacked out and some know that I am a very good person with a good heart. I am what I am take me or leave me but I am proud of who I am.

Yes, my son and I have problems but at least we can acknowledge our problems and deal with them the best way possible. Being bipolar is a hard life, but it’s even harder when you refuse to deal with it. I seem to be pretty even keeled lately so anyone that has anything negative to say to me simply just go fuck yourself.