The Bad Neighbor

First rule of being a good neighbor is to mind your own business, second rule is not to have sex with your neighbors spouse and third rule is keep your comments to yourself. Well, I happen to have a neighbor that I would love to use for target practice. This woman said to me one day that I killed my husband.

She is a nosey bitch that gossips about everyone and anything bad that happens to her I just love, I know not to neighborly of me right? Well, think again because she loves drama and starting it seems to be her favorite past time. She made my day today, and I laughed until I peed myself.

I was in my front yard when her and her husband got in a huge argument, they argued over who let the laundry sit in the dry wet, lmao. He was in his suped up dodge ram truck and their rv was parked on the street in front of their driveway and he got really pissed and told her to go fuck herself.

He then made the error of a lifetime, he floored his truck, smashed into his rv so hard it tipped over onto the street. Yes, I busted out laughing long and loud so she could hear me. She yelled at me to go into my house and I told her to kiss my ass. She started walking across the street to confront me, not a good idea on her part.

As she walked onto my property I told her she was trespassing and to leave, she chose not to listen so when I housed her down like a mad dog that really pissed her off. I told her better the water then me slap the shit out of her, I do not take crap from anyone, especially anyone who accuses me of killing my husband.

I told them both karma is a bitch and I laughed at them and told them they were idiots and made fools out of themselves, and o by the way it’s going to cost a small fortune to get their heap of scrap metal of the street. It has been quite a day watching a crane come in and turn their rv back on all fours.

Don’t ever think you will get away with anything as you will pay for it one day when you least expect it, just like they did. Karma will get you no matter how well you try to hide and no matter what you do to others it will come back, may it be good or bad.

The Perfect Birthday

When you have kids your birthday is usually an after thought or the kids need to be reminded. My birthday will be like any other day, the kids want to come home to hot homemade food and yes I am supposed to make a birthday cake for myself and dinner. I don’t mind because I love to cook and bake.

It would be nice if someone would make the day a tiny bit special for me but that never happens and I doubt it ever will. I am not into presents because I feel embarrassed when I received them. I do not know when this started but I have felt this way as long as I can remember.

Now I love to give gifts for others and watch them open them because I always manage to buy cool shit, don’t ask me how I just manage to do it. Maybe that is part of my unique personality, lol. I like to make special days special for others and for once I would love to have someone make my day super special.

I would so love to go downtown with the man I love and enjoy the city at night for a change or even lay in bed and watch a movie and order in pizza. I just want to spend one night with the man I love and I would be happy, so damn happy for a change. Why do people feel like they need to see each other everyday?

I don’t need to have a relationship with someone and see them everyday or every week for that matter. Why can’t we just see each other when it’s convenient for both? Why do we have to play these stupid little games of pretending we are not who we really are? Let’s just enjoy the time we can be together and let it fall as it may?

If someone says they love you doesn’t that mean they would want to be with you? Want to hold you, kiss you, make love to you? Doesn’t that mean they want to laugh like children and be carefree without boundaries or any type of restrictions? Why can’t life be simple instead of people making it complicated?

So come to me and make me smile and I will make you laugh, we can be stupid silly together and enjoy the hell out of this life instead of getting tied up with work and the pressures of daily living? Won’t you please come to me? on me? for me? Hell just come for my birthday please.

The Naked Truth

Relationships generally start going south when the sex goes in the toilet. It is a fact of life men love sex, they love the sound of it, the smell and taste of it, the visual and audible of it. Men cannot live without sex and will not.

Do you really think men don’t look at other women wondering what they are like in bed? Do you think men do not fantasize? Men think of sex like every six seconds so you have to keep it alive and exciting. Women seem to forget men are sexual creatures forever.

Men like to be teased and played with sexually through dirty chats and phone conversations. Phone sex is hot for men because they visualize what you say to them. Men like new and exciting, they like to come home to someone enticing.

Put away the granny nightgown and pull out the crotchless panties, stocking and garterbelt. Keep him home by keeping him excited to want to come home. I love to dress up only to dress down when I am in love.

I like to shake it up and get kinky, no not painful kinky but kinky kinky. I like to surprise the man who is in my life with different things. Sexy isn’t something you can buy or borrow, sexy comes from within and exudes like garlic through the pores of an Italian.

So let your inhibitions fall to the wayside and be the person he thinks he wants to be with and you will find your relationship to be more fulfilling and exciting.

 

 

 

Just Say It Already

Have you ever gotten pissed because someone put the toilet paper on backwards? Left a glob of toothpaste in the sink? Didn’t flush the toilet or left their clothes on the bathroom floor? These are fighting words for so many.

People let things build up and then they blow up over stupid shit. This is where the lack of communication comes in. Instead of dealing with the problem at hand a lot of people hold their resentment in and blow up over stupid shit.

So what if the toilet is put on backwards, don’t get pissed of over it just make it plain and clear to the other person what annoys you. Yes, this can backfire and they can use it against you to piss you off just because they know they can.

I started a new campaign around my house and my new slogan is ” pick it or pitch it” which means pick your shit up or I throw it away. I don’t care if it’s clothes, shoes, games, computers whatever it goes in the trash.

My son found his geometry book in the trash and acted like I had committed some terrible injustice. He has been banned from using tableware because he won’t put his dishes in the dishwasher, now he has paper plates, cups, bowls and plastic ware he can pitch.

So we need to talk more, bitch less and appreciate each other for a change.

 

 

 

The Nose Knows

I love food, I love everything about food-buying it, cleaning it, preparing it but most of all I love to serve food. I enjoy the smells of food like bacon cooking in the morning, a steak on the grill or pie in the oven.

When you want to sell a home it’s always best to cook or bake something that smells great because this sets a picture in the mind of the purchaser. The picture is one of their own family being in the house and the memories it may invoke.

There are two things that are totally universal around the world and food is one, the other of course is sex. Food is used to break the ice on a date, show respect to a guest and in my case I love to give my guests items of food they have never tried.

People hear of special foods like creme brulee and they wonder what it tastes like and my guests are always given foods that they usually cannot afford or would never order because they didn’t know what it was.

We even honor the dieing with food, my dad’s last meal was my chili, I make chili that holds up the spoon it is so thick. He loved my fruitcake too and my lemon meringue pies. It’s such a good feeling to see people enjoy something you have cooked just for them.

I decided to clean out my freezer and found a whole beef tenderloin that needed to be cooked so I tossed it in the oven. My friend Janet was over and I had all this meat so I decided to cook up some red, yellow and green bell peppers in butter.

I threw some hoagie buns on the grill and made sandwiches with the peppers and steak and she went nuts. She calls me all the time wanting me to make it again and I gave her my recipe for tres leches which is the best damn cake on earth.

She in turn made it for her boyfriend who went nuts over it. Food is used to make or break a deal and the time spent over a meal is a wonderful occasion at the home, especially during the holidays. Food is something we cannot do without so why not enjoy it with friends and family?

Only The Weak

One thing that has always bothered me a lot is “helpless women”, when a woman acts helpless she is painting a picture of herself as weak and unable to care for herself. Women do not need men to do things for them, some just act fucking stupid.

I cannot stand to watch a woman use a man for a simple tire change or changing the starter on riding lawn mower. Women are more than capable of doing these things if they only took the time to learn. Women love to act stupid sometimes in fact a lot of the times.

A woman should make a man feel needed but not used and so many men feel like they are nothing more than a “meal ticket” for their significant other. Do not expect a man to respect you if you do not show that you respect him in return.

I have been told that I am “mean”, lol by a guy I know-I am not mean I just don’t have time for the games that some men choose to play. I honestly can say I could live on a deserted island and be perfectly happy without dealing with the human odd behaviors that so many have.

The Lacking

I can honestly say I have not dated a lot, never did in high school, after high school or in my thirties and forties. I am just not into dating I guess, or maybe it’s because when I commit I commit and stay in relationships a very long time.

I have gone for years without dating anyone and found it to be the best time of my life. I didn’t have to put up with anyone else’s crap. Single isn’t a bad place to be it’s a place that allows us to grow at our own pace.

I like being in a relationship when there is understanding but most do not take the time to understand me. I am unique in so many ways, so I am told but I will not change for anyone, why should I? I know how to act appropriately but choose not to.

I do not dress to impress or act to impress anyone as that is not me. I am not going to put on airs to impress anyone because there is nothing to be gained by being fake or a phony. You may have Louis Vuitton luggage and I may have JC Penny luggage but guess what? We both still have baggage and that will never change.

 

Most Embarrassing

I have experienced some of the most embarrassing moments anyone could ever have. I have walked out of the ladies room with my skirt tucked into my slip for all to see, I have also had toilet paper for days follow me out of the restroom.

Last week my daughter and I were shopping and as we started to walk down the escalator I had one of those tiny explosions between my legs not be so tiny. Every step I took another fart escaped and my daughter and I just started cracking up because it was like ten farts in a row before they finally stopped

Ok, you laugh at me but how many of you have been in line to pay for something and one of those silent but deadlies escaped and you acted like it was the person behind you? Or completely ignored it all together until the smell almost knocked you out?

I had my son go into my wallet to get some money and he found my “friendly bullet”  which comforts me when I am out and about, yes a mini vibrator. He just said “mom, what in the hell is this in your purse?” I just cracked up and said my vibrator.

He dropped my wallet and said you get the money, lol. Then there are the moments of others faux paux. At my husband’s funeral a friend of his said “he couldn’t look better if he were dead” now that was an embarrassing moment for sure.

Embarrassing moments are usually funny but sometimes they aren’t but I still laugh anyway. Someone once asked me if it was hard to put on a prosthetic when the person is dead, like I know the answer to that? I am sure it isn’t easy………

 

 

 

Where Is The Romance

Why is it people are so romantic until they get you then some of them stop being romantic? Forget the candy, flowers, nice gifts as that has all gone out the window. The homemade dinners stop, but you didn’t know they weren’t homemade to begin with, lol.

Yes there are women that cannot cook, never could cook and never will. They run to the local deli or grocery, buy the pre made and put it in bowls like they made it. It’s called to impress but does it really? Why play games and lie? Why not just be yourself and call it a day?

Romance is something I thrive on, the nice dinners are made from scratch, the bath is already waiting for him and a glass of wine is perfect temperature to enjoy the bouquet. Men like to be romanced as well as women but sometimes women think they are the only ones that should be romanced.

Relationships are hard enough without being stupid and trying to pretend you are someone you will never be. What impresses most people? Honesty does and if you can’t cook, all I can say is you need to learn.

Romancing a man includes nice lingerie, good music and lots of talking dirty. Men love to be talked dirty to in the bedroom, kitchen or even garage. You talk dirty to a man and he gets so turned on, so remember romance isn’t just for the women.