Tears Of A Clown

I am not the only person that let’s others see a false face, a face full of laughter and happiness. I am sitting here wondering why the tears are welling up and getting ready to roll down my cheeks. Today is supposed to be kind of special for me but it is just another huge blow up in my face.

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Birthday’s shouldn’t be special for adults but for me it is kind of “my day” that isn’t mine at all. It’s just another day on the calendar that means nothing to anybody other than they get Monday off for Veterans Day. I am a veteran of loss and lonely souls, where promises are nothing more than lies and no hugs or kisses.

There is no one to make me feel special, no calls, no cards-nothing as if I never existed. I am very sad on several levels because today is the end of a “relationship” I thought I had but never did. I no longer believe in dreams and ice cream, love or making love, I no longer feel like a person, just a scab ready to flake off.

I have invested to much of myself into loving someone who loves another so today I stop being the doormat and start being the door. The one thing about me as a Scorpio woman is I am very deep and love even deeper which makes it hard for me to let go. Today has been such an eye opener for me and I have finally accepted the fact I mean nothing to anybody.

I do not feel sorry for myself, no I just am letting go finally and yes it’s as painful as any death could be. He thinks I am just talking as usual but not this time. This time it is finished and I will cut off my hands before I ever reach out to anyone again, my love is special, unadulterated and pure but he doesn’t feel it or see it.

Why do I do this to myself? I am not a hopeless case that no one will ever love or want to share a life with, I am not ugly or stupid and yes I am a bbw and I am a beautiful soul and person always doing and giving to others. I was there for him and yes he has listened to me but I need more than an ear filled with wax.

He won’t even know I am gone that is how much he loves me but that is ok because he is wasting his time on someone who will never want to be with him again. I want him, he wants her so it’s time to cut my losses and move on and I am doing just that because I will no longer wait for someone who waits for someone else, which isn’t me.

 

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