Do You Know Me?

I am the woman who has been through more bad times than anyone I know. I am the woman who is unconventional and held her own for over 23 yrs. in the steel mill as an electrician. I am the woman who shakes it up and doesn’t tolerate injustice and I am the woman who can fix almost anything.

I am the woman who has held the hand of four family members as they died and I am the woman who everyone says is so strong. It isn’t strength that has kept me going it is a powerful force that neither you or I can see but I can feel as deeply as my first love. I am the woman who will not back down on my beliefs or trade sides because the other side looks better.

I am the woman that will back you up even if you are wrong and I am the woman who will defend your honor at all costs. I am more of a man in many ways than most men are and I will defend my honor as well as yours to the death. I am not a frilly woman and I never have been but I am sexy and very sensual, which most women my age are not.

I swear more than a truck driver and never back down when I believe I am right and if you get an apology from me then you are damn lucky because I usually am right. I do not sell my friends down the river EVER and I do not turn my back on those that need help. My friends are few but I am rich in friendship and my friends are now my family.

I am a terrible liar and if you know me then you know when I am lieing but then again I can straight-faced tell you something that is so outrageous you would believe it. I am the woman who loves a good joke especially dirty ones and I am the woman that would wipe your ass if you were to sick to and not think anything of it.

So, if you think you know me you better think again because there is a tremendous amount of depth to me and compassion I never run short of. If you are my friend I will cover you with understanding and love and I will always be there for you no matter what happens.

Pillows And Blankets

Some people have shoes and clothes fetishes and yes I have a fetish, several in fact but I choose to share one with you. My fetish is feather pillows and high thread count sheets. Yes, I know it sounds weird but sleeping is really important to me and good sleep is essential to keep my naughty side afloat.

I cannot stand those polyester pillows and sheets you can stick your toes through after one washing. Feather pillows and down comforters for this kid is a must. Sleeping naked feels so damn good when you can climb into a bed with freshly laundered high thread count sheets and a nice feather pillow or two.

A friend of mine told me they do not have feather pillows in Nigeria and I cannot understand why because they eat so much damn chicken they are starting to lay their own eggs over there. I cannot sleep well with cheap pillows, sheets and blankets because well I just fucking can’t.

Sleeping in the wet spot doesn’t even seem to bother me with good sheets and I love to feel soft fabric against my bare ass and between my legs. I get to hot at night and I play blanket on blanket off all night and I like to hold a feather pillow to my chest because they are always cold on one side.

If there isn’t a blanket between my legs there is a pillow and once was a man, I still prefer a man between my legs but we can’t have everything now can we? I also have this thing for a king size bed because I am such a player as I am all over that bitch like sweat on balls.

I toss and turn all night long and when my husband was alive he hated it when I put my cold feet on him, which was every night because I have cold feet. He used to get so pissed he would go sleep on the couch, lol aren’t I a devious bitch? That was my plan all along.

I figure it this way, if you’re in my bed we play and if we don’t play you don’t need to be in my bed and the couch is just fine for you. No, I never kicked him out of bed he went willingly which I so enjoyed because sleeping in a king size bed with someone who doesn’t want to play just is poor taste.

You can have your Maserati and mansion and I will be more than thrilled with my feather pillows and comforters and those awesome sheets. I really only have two things that I consider a must in my life and the second one is toiletries and bath soaps from France.

My daughter brought me some soaps back from France and I am so in love with them that I will not shower without them and that’s why I have like a dozen bars of soap in the bath and shower. I would eat beans for a month if I had to so I could always have my soap and I just enjoy how good I smell stepping out of the bath or shower.

These things all tie into one because I like to take a bath and dry off quickly and run from the bathroom and jumping into bed. I have to jump because the bed is either to tall or my legs to short and I haven’t figured out which yet. My bedroom is 19′ x 20′ which is pretty big for the average homeowner and it is a fun room because I make it fun.

There is something about waking up to a crisp fall morning and you want to cuddle to stay warm but in my case the only cuddling going on is with my pillows and blankets. It gets damn lonely especially when I am so horny every day, o that’s right I am not supposed to admit I am always horny because to do so makes me appear to be a slut, right?

I am no slut just a someone who enjoys sex and a king size bed and I am finally starting to sleep in the middle of the bed instead of hanging off the side waiting for my husband to fall asleep so I don’t have to listen to his bullshit. I do not feel bad about saying that because of the way our relationship was and if you think less of me then pack up your vibrator bitch and move on.

Sleep is very important for our bodies and minds and I enjoy the feel of a comfortable bed under my body when I am exhausted or horny but I like my bed, not motel or hotel beds because I do not know who was doing what in that bed before I got there and that blanket on top, well that thing never gets washed.

I am in the market for a new king size mattress because the one my husband and I slept on was thrown away shortly after he died. I just could not sleep on that mattress not only because we slept in it, because sleeping is practically all we did in bed. He wouldn’t give me what I needed when I needed it and that didn’t sit well with me.

Then when he became impotent he wanted me to go down on him like for hours and I just gave up all together. The jacuzzi bath tub became my best friend and he would hear me getting loud in the bath and ask if I was alright, lmao.

Self Gratification

There are those that love to go shopping and get self gratification from it and then there are those like me that believe self gratification is sexual. I have finally figured out how not to feel so lonely when self gratifying myself, I sit in front of the mirror and then I have company and I am no longer lonely!

I have also learned to hide the 64 pack of batteries from my kids so I never end up right on the edge and the damn batteries go bad. Self gratification is not evil and no you will not go blind or go to hell, if that were the case every man on earth would have a pass to hell already waiting for them.

There are those that have huge sex drives and fall in love with love which leaves them lonely and wondering what they did wrong. When a relationship doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be and you can bet your bottom dollar on that. masturbation is such a dirty word to so many and they refuse to admit they partake.

My mother in law had the biggest black dildo I have ever seen and when she died I found her secret toy box. I threw it all away before my husband could see it because men do not look at their mother’s as sexual beings. From the looks of her toy box she was quite inventive and adventurous.

I would rather masturbate then go screw a bunch of men that I had no what golf course their putter had played on. Let’s be real, in today’s world you have to be so damn careful and cautious. I think the worse combination for anyone to be is over sexed and in love with love.

Those that are in love with love cannot see their desire to be loved so bad that they end up getting hurt and they generally get used. People love to be seen on the arm of the rich and famous and those individuals usually have a very hard time finding true love because the people they fall for are just going to use them up.

I prefer to stick with self gratification then to be with someone who wants only to use me and gain from me. I do feel sorry for those rich and famous people because trying to find real love and a real committment is so damn hard because of their money and fame. Once in a great while they will get a slap in the face by someone who has discovered that the life they want is not the life that the rich and famous live.

One thing I like about self gratification as I am never let down by anyone but myself and yes I do get pissed when I am at the edge and the damn doorbell rings or the phone. I am about to leave a message on the answering machine saying “Sorry, I’m masturbating and will not be disturbed” but then I would no doubt have more trouble at my door.

Love Thy Pervert

Ok I admit this is my favorite subject SEX, I love everything about sex-doing it, planning it, dreaming about it, writing about, talking about and fantasizing about it. I am a pervert at heart compared to most women and the ones that are my age would gladly pay someone to have sex with their husband so they don’t have to.

I admit sex can get boring, very boring if you don’t take the time to make it exciting and if you want to keep your man at home and out of another’s bed you better be a pervert in the bedroom, kitchen, living, front and back yard. I think of sex in different terms than a lot of people because sex is not just sex to me.

Sex should be a deep connection between to people and you should be able to see that connection when he is inside you looking into your eyes. You should be able to feel that connection as well and it should be deeper than anything you have ever felt for another person.

Sex isn’t just about the orgasm and it isn’t just about the wet spot left on the sheets, sex to me is self-expression of kindred spirits looking to quiet the soul and meet its mate. Sex can be so fun and exciting, so loving, gentle and caring, so eye-opening to the depths of another’s soul.

I have always been very sexual and I have some kind of “magic” that hits men right between the eyes. I think it is how sensual I am and how I make sex to be an experience like most have never had. I am not bragging, just stating facts from past men that were in my life.

I have never had a single complaint in the bedroom or out and I have been told by more than one man who I gave a new meaning to sex for them. They were used to other women  lieing in bed with their legs spread and no emotion, like a dead fish out of water to long. 

I enjoy touching the person in ways they have never been touched and that isn’t limited to their body. I believe you must touch ones soul to bring them to a place they have never been. I have even had an x boyfriend call me and ask me if we could have sex because he missed the way I made him feel.

I enjoy quickies but I really enjoy the quiet evenings on clean sheets and the use of body oils and toys. I like it to be fun and exciting and that is how it is. I like to look into his eyes as he enters me and see what he is thinking and feeling and it is more than obvious if you look into his eyes.

I want to have sex so bad with this guy I just started seeing but that isn’t me, I am not a flash in the pan woman and there has to be more than a good time to me. If I sleep with you then you have me for as long as you want but if I do not sleep with you within the first three months you can bet you are nothing more than a friend.

I would rather come home with wet panties and my self respect in tact instead of coming home with wet panties and using someone for sex or let myself be used. People jump into bed together way to fast and that is why they seem to think they are in love, a smart woman keeps her panties on or her legs closed until she can see that she is going some place in the relationship.

Foolish Hearts

Life can be so rough and we tend to reach out to the ones we love when we need support. We even end up fooling ourselves about the people we love or should I say a person. Our problems are so much easier to solve when we have someone we can lean on and get support and feedback from.

We fool ourselves everyday believing what ever we have chosen to believe in and that includes people. People say “I love you” when they really don’t and they say it like just to say it and make someone believe that is how they really feel. We fool ourselves into believing we are in love with someone when we really are not.

Emotions are rulers of the stone and they can move mountains, we invest so much time into looking for love that when we have it standing in front of us we can no longer see it. Every one is searching for love and acceptance and I am no exception. We allow ourselves to be so starved for affection and that is why we fall victim to our own feelings.

You cannot be in love someone you have never met and I have finally figured out that I have fallen in love with the voice, the words and the support I once felt. I am finally opening my eyes to how I have been living my life and that is behind a cloud of smoke and mirrors and now the smoke has cleared.

You can get sucked in so easily by others when you have low self esteem and you are lonely. You fall for scammers and buy the lies handed to you, you are no longer the person you once were and you are just a shell of yourself. You have to be able to face the truth of truths but most of us do not want the truth, we want happy lies.

I have feelings for someone and I once thought those feelings were love because I was so desperate for love but I can finally see that I have lived a lie for years. I am finally starting to see a real person and we are having real conversations and really good moments so far.

This is the first person I have dated since my husband passed and it feels good to finally look at my future with bright lights and clean sheets. I am ready to let someone get close to me again and I am ready to make love once again. Many people have asked me how I have gone without sex and the answer is quite simple-if you were in a car accident would you think of a great meal at the time? 

No, you would not you would think about surviving the accident and what needs to be repaired and the cost of course. That is how I have gone without sex, when my husband died it was like a traffic accident and I am the car that has been getting repaired. I have finally gotten myself repaired or at least I have worked damn hard trying to fix myself.

I write almost every day because it is very therapeutic for me and it helps me to unload the feelings I have without having to have every damn word analyzed and weighed. I have changed counselors because the one I was seeing started to inject her own feelings and beliefs and that is not what she is paid for.

I am moving slow with the person I am seeing because this is all so new to me, the dating game and it can end up badly if I am not very cautious. I am a victim to my own emotions and I have to keep them in check. I do not fall easily but when I do watch out because it’s all or nothing.

So for this gal there will be no more feelings of love for anyone but my children until I feel secure enough in any relationship to let my guard down. I will no longer allow myself to live a lie and I will no longer fall for the hard luck stories of others because every time I help someone they burn me.

I am wearing my hazmat suit for protection and I have on my shit kickers for those that try to play me and steal from me or use me. The man I fall in love with will be a very lucky man in many ways because I am a damn good woman from an era long gone and I love being naked, lol.

Forget

Forget the world

Forget me too

Forget the happiness

You and I once knew

We are no longer two

It has become me and you

I say so long

No I am not wrong

We are going our separate ways

Because it’s time for happier days

The Who In Me

It’s time for another series of huge changes in my life, out with the old in with the new as well as eliminating people from my life that offer me nothing, not materially but emotionally and mentally. I have let certain people hang around in my life but they have offered me no measure of growth.

If someone is in your life and they teach you nothing, give you nothing emotionally or physically then they must go. I can no longer let other’s stay in my life when they are like a wall hanging, nice to look at but does nothing else for me. It is time for me to grow up and let go of things and people who do not serve a positive purpose in my life.

There isn’t a vacuum with a strong enough suction to suck up all the crap and people serving no purpose for me. It is getting easier and easier to let go and I have been demonstrating that by getting rid of my husband’s things. He is gone, never to come up from the earth again so I have been eliminating his worldly possessions.

I also have been doing that with people, all of us have people who really serve no purpose for us and we have to let them go to make room for those that will really care and love us. It’s time to let go of relationships that are no longer useful to us and open the door for the great winds of change.

I am not angry or even mad at anyone, it’s just time for them to go because they show me nothing and do nothing for me emotionally. I am the most emotional person I know and it is time to nurture that part of myself and to grow. It is the time for endings and new beginnings and for me my love life is paramount for new beginnings. 

I am not rushing out the door into the arms of someone who loves me or will love me, no I am walking out the door into the world and saying “hey, I’m here everyone”. I have no doubt within the next three to six months I will be involved heavily with someone and I can feel this as strongly as I can feel a third degree sunburn.

I am kind of starting to see someone and we will see where it goes and it will no doubt just be a stepping stone for me but if it goes further, great if not that’s ok as well. I am in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if it happens it happens and I will enjoy every second of it. It’s time for Kimberly to start collecting what she deserves.

For those that wanted to be in my life, well you had your chance and the door is closing so don’t bother to put your foot in it and try to keep it cracked open for you. You made the definitive choice not to put your entire body through that door and I can respect that but you must respect that it is time for me to love and be loved and you are not interested in that part of my life, so be it.

 

Baby Killers

Today is Veteran’s Day and I am reminded of my husband because he was in Vietnam. When he returned he was called so many names including baby killer. He never killed a woman or child and he told me he only killed those trying to kill him. Being a vet is hard because they live with memories you and I could never even imagine.

My husband didn’t go because he was strong or brave, he went because our government told him he had to go. He was a young man of 19 who was still wet behind the ears and he was thrown into a war he had no interest in. He ended up getting shot in the leg and he healed and was back in the field.

When my husband’s leg was amputated in 2003 my son was only five but he said “daddy, don’t feel bad you lost your leg, it was the one the bullet went through”. How observant children can be and so damn honest at times. My husband rarely spoke about Vietnam and I could tell it really affected him.

Today I honor all the veterans that gave their lives and all the veterans that survived and fought because they were forced to. No man is a baby killer and to say such crap makes me sick.  We should honor those that men and women and not insulted, blamed or put down. There were no baby killers, just soldiers that did as they were told.

Solar Eclipse And Scorpio

The eclipse of November 13 is a solar eclipse, sure to bring opportunities. A solar eclipse is always a new moon on steroids, and these special events always start a new chapter (not end one). They are very, very powerful. I like solar eclipses, for they open a path, but when you walk down them, you will soon see, you can’t retreat back to your old life again – you have to keep marching forward across the bridge and not look back.

The universe knows we are creatures of habit, so it will send an eclipse to give us a push, ready or not. You are a fixed sign, so the idea of change is not always a welcome one, but even you will see the value in moving on.

  Not since 2003 to 2005 have you seen eclipses in Scorpio and the opposite sign of Taurus. This means you are moving into a very important new cycle, and that the coming two years will bring vast changes. Your life will begin to have a very different look and feel from years past. Combining that with the arrival of Saturn, you are about to make quantum leaps in maturity, and your life will have more form and substance than you’ve had in the past.

This is a solar eclipse, so you will see shifts in your profession too, and perhaps last month, October, you started to see glimmerings of this truth already. Eclipses repeat in exact degree every 19 years, so you already had an eclipse in Scorpio to this degree on November 13, 1993 (and the other eclipse this month on November 29, 1993.)

Of course the other planets surrounding the eclipse are always different, but perhaps you can recall something that happened near this date, or soon after, that was important to you. 1993 was a powerful year for you, for Jupiter had just entered Scorpio. Pluto was in Scorpio, too – quite bit of planetary power. Saturn was in your home sector, however, so that was not an ideal place for Saturn to be, as it affected your home life in a difficult way at the time. Those planets are all in different positions now. Look forward to the changes – it’s time to shake things up. Taken from http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/scorpio_full.php

As I look back to 2003-2005 I can clearly remember my husband having his leg amputated and the huge changes my family made at that time. It was devestating to say the least but with bad does come good. I try to stay focused on the good so I can bring more good into my life.

1993 was the year I broke off an engagement and major changes were happening in my personal life as well as my businesses. It was a tough year but I learned  a lot and the wheels were put into motion for me to meet my husband. This year was another major change in my life. 

Who knows Celestino has come into my life and I really do not see myself marrying him but odder things have happened. I didn’t want to marry my husband either but I ended getting married none the less. I had been hoping to be with the one I have loved for all these years but that dream has died and there is no possibility of even meeting him.

 

To Be Sure

People fall in love and get married without really looking at the person and they deal strictly on emotion. When I got married I was thirty four and got pregnant. Yes, I was on the pill but being fertile Myrtle proved to be stronger than any birth control pill. I married my husband because I thought he would be a good dad, how wrong I was.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband after ten years of marriage or so but I was never in love with him nor him with me. We were raised during a time that you did the “right thing” and got married if knocked up. I made it clear to him that I wanted two kids not just one.

He didn’t want anymore kids but that wasn’t the deal we made. When I was ovulating I would practically have to chase his butt down and tie him to the bed because he just wasn’t into sex. How can a man not be into sex? He wasn’t into making babies but to bad I got my son anyway.

When I was giving birth he told me to shut up because I was in so much pain, that is why I never fell in love with him. He was very into himself and he was very selfish. Bob always wanted the best that we could afford, even if we couldn’t afford it he would go buy it. I would invest my money for the kids education and he spent every damn dime of that money during our divorce.

We got back together and he died a month later, once again leaving me to fend for the kids and myself after he spent all the money. He wasn’t all bad but he was very selfish and I will never be with another person like that again. I think people place too much emphasis on love and not enough on real compatibility.

The biggest mistake people make is marrying for love and not looking at what the two have in common. Money is a huge problem in marriages because people do not look at each other’s spending and saving habits. I am not a spender because I have had to take care of myself since I was young and I know the importance of saving.

I have made some really stupid mistakes with money when I was sick but now that I am doing well physically and mentally I am back on track. I get excited over little things like wild flowers instead of roses, diamonds hold no interest to me and neither do big houses and fancy cars.

Of course I like these items but it doesn’t mean I want them because I know the importance of people over items. I only need enough to get by and I am happy. Life isn’t about the material crap, it’s about the moments that make memories we cherish and look back on, moments are all about life but material crap won’t hold your hand.

I am glad I am starting to see someone because it makes me look at my life differently and what I really want. I won’t end up with him permanently that I am sure of because I feel that I need to date several guys over a period of time before I make the decision to settle down with just one.

I thought I would end up with someone who has been in my life for the past 3-4 yrs. but that will never happen and I am moving on. We have never met and never will so it’s time to cut my losses and move forward. He doesn’t know me anymore than I know him and he won’t even meet me to see if he would be interested in going further.

So I have finally made the decision to move on and leave him to his own devices. He makes me feel like I am not good enough for him or pretty enough, thin enough, have enough money. I don’t want a damn thing from him and that includes supporting me, I did want one thing, his love but that will never happen so he’s being left behind while I find someone who cares about me and will love me.

I am over flowing with love and affection and I have wasted it for years on him and it’s time to respect and love myself enough to find someone who will truly appreciate what I have to offer as a woman and a lover. I have no doubt in time I will be happy for the rest of my life but for now I am just redefining Kimberly.