Foolish Hearts

Life can be so rough and we tend to reach out to the ones we love when we need support. We even end up fooling ourselves about the people we love or should I say a person. Our problems are so much easier to solve when we have someone we can lean on and get support and feedback from.

We fool ourselves everyday believing what ever we have chosen to believe in and that includes people. People say “I love you” when they really don’t and they say it like just to say it and make someone believe that is how they really feel. We fool ourselves into believing we are in love with someone when we really are not.

Emotions are rulers of the stone and they can move mountains, we invest so much time into looking for love that when we have it standing in front of us we can no longer see it. Every one is searching for love and acceptance and I am no exception. We allow ourselves to be so starved for affection and that is why we fall victim to our own feelings.

You cannot be in love someone you have never met and I have finally figured out that I have fallen in love with the voice, the words and the support I once felt. I am finally opening my eyes to how I have been living my life and that is behind a cloud of smoke and mirrors and now the smoke has cleared.

You can get sucked in so easily by others when you have low self esteem and you are lonely. You fall for scammers and buy the lies handed to you, you are no longer the person you once were and you are just a shell of yourself. You have to be able to face the truth of truths but most of us do not want the truth, we want happy lies.

I have feelings for someone and I once thought those feelings were love because I was so desperate for love but I can finally see that I have lived a lie for years. I am finally starting to see a real person and we are having real conversations and really good moments so far.

This is the first person I have dated since my husband passed and it feels good to finally look at my future with bright lights and clean sheets. I am ready to let someone get close to me again and I am ready to make love once again. Many people have asked me how I have gone without sex and the answer is quite simple-if you were in a car accident would you think of a great meal at the time? 

No, you would not you would think about surviving the accident and what needs to be repaired and the cost of course. That is how I have gone without sex, when my husband died it was like a traffic accident and I am the car that has been getting repaired. I have finally gotten myself repaired or at least I have worked damn hard trying to fix myself.

I write almost every day because it is very therapeutic for me and it helps me to unload the feelings I have without having to have every damn word analyzed and weighed. I have changed counselors because the one I was seeing started to inject her own feelings and beliefs and that is not what she is paid for.

I am moving slow with the person I am seeing because this is all so new to me, the dating game and it can end up badly if I am not very cautious. I am a victim to my own emotions and I have to keep them in check. I do not fall easily but when I do watch out because it’s all or nothing.

So for this gal there will be no more feelings of love for anyone but my children until I feel secure enough in any relationship to let my guard down. I will no longer allow myself to live a lie and I will no longer fall for the hard luck stories of others because every time I help someone they burn me.

I am wearing my hazmat suit for protection and I have on my shit kickers for those that try to play me and steal from me or use me. The man I fall in love with will be a very lucky man in many ways because I am a damn good woman from an era long gone and I love being naked, lol.

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