Outside/Inside

The person I project to others is not the person I really am inside but it’s easier to hide behind a smiling face when one is crying inside. My friends know that I am like two people and the real one is always hidden from sight because it is a safer life that way.

People do not realize that those that are laughing and joking are usually the ones that have a tremendous amount of hurt on the inside. To show that to others is to expose the raw and painful part of our lives and people like to use what they can against you.

I am always the one to make others laugh because it helps to keep the pain hidden and to let others know how much I have suffered in my life isn’t something I discuss with others. I can write about it and post it for others to read but they do not know me and I do not have to worry about being slapped in the face with my pain.

If you are the type of individual that will stoop so low that you will use painful information to throw in someone’s face then you fall right in line with kids. Kids are mean and hateful and they can do so much harm to themselves as well as others. I recently had someone use my own pain against me.

He threw in my face the problems my son and I have had and that is really so wrong. I could have said some very mean and hateful things back at him but I limited my hurt and anger. At this point I really do not want to talk to this person again because it shows me a part of this individual that is to ugly.

I put myself out there for myself and if you want to judge me by my life experiences then  you really need to take a damn hard look at your own life. None of us have lived a perfect life and none of us have the right to condemn anyone else for trying to better themselves.

I use my blog as therapy and not to impress or depress others and yes I have left myself open to condemnation. Nobody really knows me and that includes myself but I do know I am a good person that doesn’t get off on hurting others. People see how crazy I can be on the outside but they have no idea how deep the pain has run in my life.

I am not one that wants sympathy, I just want to cleanse my soul of the hurt so I can have healthy relationships with others. I am doing the work necessary to have the second half of my life be happy and fun and I really wonder how many other people face their demons and eliminate them.

I am secure enough to let others read about my life and the ups and downs and I am always open to positive criticism and helpful advice. Taking the time to write about what has been so distressing in my life is a positive step to growing and letting go of what I have harbored for way to long.

If you want to know me then sit down with me and let’s have a chat, a real heart to heart. Don’t assume or presume because you will never know me that way. If what you read tells you I am one really fucked up person then you are a complete ass because all of us have things we do not like about our lives or experiences that have shaped us that we do not share.

 

 

Strength Of One

Why do people put others in the dog house? Why do people allow themselves to be placed in that position? Why can’t people discuss their problems instead of one making the other feel less than they are? I have always preferred to discussing our problems with my husband.

We got along very well as friends and we only had one major drag out fight during our marriage. We had little disagreements but not often and we were able to work them out. The one thing I do when I am really pissed is I refuse to talk and the silent treatment is given.

I do this because it is better for me to say nothing than to tear a person to shreds which is easy for me to do when I am boiling mad. I am silent because I am thinking about the why’s and how’s things ended up in an argument and how I can handle the situation in a calmer manner.

I never threw my husband out of the bedroom forcing him to sleep on the couch, hell he went on his own when he got mad. He had a temper that was hidden and when he let it out it was frightening, I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me but I was afraid for others that made him that mad.

I had told my husband about the abuse I had sustained as a child and how I had a boyfriend that beat me up several times. I told my husband if another man ever hit me I would kill him and my husband knew I wasn’t just talking. My husband grabbed me one time and that was once to many and I made damn sure that it never happened again.

There is always one person stronger in any relationship and I do not mean physically. I have always avoided arguments and I give in more often than not. I prefer to work out our problems instead of making someone feel less than they are and I hate going to bed angry.

I have a very strong personality but when it comes to relationships I want them to work and I will do what I have to, to make them work. I am not one that must always “win” the argument, I am the one that gives in so life can fall back into a comfortable existence.

The Child Fears

Children are so easily intimidated by adults and their innocence hangs out their like a banner behind a plane. Our children come into this world with a clean slate and adults write on that slate with good as well as bad. One thing that a child should never be part of is sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse leaves a child with so many scares it is very hard for them to have a “normal” life as they get older. Sexual abuse does one of two things to children, they either become frigid or they become promiscuous as they get older. All the therapy in the world cannot wash away the dirt on their “life slate”.

As a child, I had an uncle that sexually abused my sister as well as myself and even years later he was molesting his own grand daughter. I was three maybe four and my sister was five or six and yes I do remember and yes it still comes to me in flashes. 

Why didn’t we tell? Because we were innocent and he put the fear of God in us and I remember him telling me he would do to my grandmother what she did to the chickens. We lived on a farm and my grandmother killed older hens for dinner and yes the fear was very real.

Children of abuse act out and I do not remember how I acted out but my sister drowned all the new born kittens of one of our cats. Back then we didn’t have the scientific studies of the effects of molestation on children that we have today and there wasn’t help for us either.

Fast forward to when I was eleven I lived down the street from a horse stable and being an animal lover I was always there and that is where I met Casey. Casey was a grown man in his forties and he had a Tennessee Walker and this horse was so damn tall at least 16 hands and he wouldn’t let me ride him unless he was in the saddle behind me.

One day we were riding in the back field and he got roaming hands and rushing fingers in my no no places. I was too afraid to say anything as we rode and he molested me. From that day on I was afraid to be near him and to afraid to tell my mom because she wouldn’t let me be around the horses any longer.

That is how a child reacts to something so terrible, they are more afraid of the consequences then they are of the act. I told my girlfriend about what Casey had done and she told me he had done the same thing to her and she didn’t want to tell either.

When I was almost twenty I was raped and I got pregnant and that was a terrible time for me to deal with. I wasn’t established enough to afford to raise a child and everyday I was pregnant was a living hell for me. I had to make a decision that would affect me the rest of my life.

I could have had the baby and gave it up for adoption or I could terminate the pregnancy for I already knew I could not have this child. For me to have this child and keep it was not an option because of the circumstances of how the baby was to come into my life.

I ended up terminating and almost died from a terrible infection I got from the termination. Still to this day I remember the termination and how it was Easter time and my girlfriend took me to the clinic. There were two groups of women and girls, the ones that got pregnant from their boyfriends and the ones that had been raped.

Rape victims were treated differently as the staff talked endlessly to us about our choices and counseling options. I was finally taken into a room a given a paper gown to put on and told to get up on the table. My legs were put in stirrups and I was given a mild painkiller as the doctor scraped the embryo from my body.

As I came out of my painkiller state it hit me that I just had given up my first child and the tears rolled out of my eyes as I tried to process what I had just done. I put the pad in my panties and got dressed and my gf took me home and I laid on the couch for several days healing.

I started to have uncontrollable pain and a fever of 104 degrees and the clinic told me to go to another clinic 45 minutes away. A friend took me and my womb was seriously inflamed and full of infection, they gave me intravenous antibiotics and sent me home about six hours later.

I ended up in the hospital for several days until I was stable enough and I was sent home to be on my own. I confided into my aunt what had gone on and she was my support, not my mother. She was always there for me and then she died several years ago leaving me without a “rock”.

People wonder why I have trust issues? Why I am so hesitant to get involved into a serious relationship again after my marriage and why I am in need of so much love and affection from arms that want to hold me not molest me. I am in no way frigid, in fact quite the opposite.

 I am not looking for sympathy from anyone, I am just unloading all the crap that has haunted me in my life and I am letting this all out so I can dump it from my life. I want to go into another relationship with as less baggage as possible and I first have to face the things I have buried so deep.

Cha Ching

Divorce plays havoc on our credit as we end up having to take great losses selling our homes and excess things. The attorney fees eat up our savings and we sometimes have to live off of our charge cards and the bills become astronomical. Some people have numerous cards and have to live off of them to survive.

This is a killer to our credit because we end up making payments late, smaller payments or no payments at all. This ended up happening to me and I can tell you it has driven me nuts because I hate being late on my payments and not being able to pay at all really upsets me.

If you miss one payment or it isn’t the full amount you can bet your sweet cherry cheeks that your credit will be effected. Once your credit is ruined it takes several years to rebuild it and we all need a good credit rating. Well, I finally have found the secret to stick it back to the credit card company’s charging me ridiculous amount of interest.

My credit was ruined already, right? So why continue to pay the bill because it never goes down and I would be like 210 years old before I could pay it off. I put my strategy in place and now my credit is getting better because I quit paying all the cards and got a secured charge card until I could get one that wasn’t secured.

Secured charge cards require a thousand dollars and that is your “security” with the card company. After a while you will build up your credit enough to get another card. Not paying your bill isn’t going to harm your credit anymore than it is and the credit card company’s have been hit hard by the economy.

There are thousands of people who cannot pay their bill so how do the credit card company’s handle this? Quite simple, they offer you a “buy out” after a year of no payments. I had a several charge cards and the lowest one  was 11 thousand dollars and I maxed that bitch on purpose because I knew the game.

The card company finally called me using an attorney’s collection to get some cash out of me. I told them I am disabled and on a fixed income of social security and couldn’t pay them. Well, well, what do you think they did? Put a lien on my house? No, badger the hell out of me? Nope

They asked me if they lowered the bill to 8 grand if I could pay it and I told them no. That huge amount was lowered to 3 grand with six payments and I am through with them this month. I will be glad to be rid of them and I have another card that I use but I pay it off every month, like I used to do with all my bills before the divorce saga.

If you are having credit card problems and you just cannot pay it go and run it up to the max and then through it away. The credit card company’s will keep sending you the bills and you may get some kind of crap in the mail from them. Just hang on and in about a year they will offer to settle with you for a much lesser amount.

So do not fret about Christmas and no I do not feel bad about sharing the way I got around the card company’s because they charge so much interest people cannot climb out of the hole they have gotten themselves into. I am making my last payment this month and I do not feel any remorse what so ever and neither should you, cha ching.

The Chase Has Ended

I recently realized that chasing someone is a complete waste of time and does nothing for the self-esteem. If you really care for someone you let them know and if they show you nothing in return you know where you stand. It has taken me almost four years to finally wake up.

I am very awake now and have given all I have to let him know how I feel but he shows me nothing. My birthday was Friday and he didn’t even call me so I am done. I was fortunate enough to have run into someone who night and we had a fantastic time and have had a good time since.

The guy that I am spending my time with now is someone who I enjoy talking to and we seem to blend very well together. He just ended his marriage in a divorce and my husband died last year so both of us are free. He isn’t American and that makes me very happy because foreign men are quite different and more of a gentleman.

He made me a wonderful dinner tonight until the dreaded phone call came, his mother had a heart attack and he had to go to the hospital and I felt so bad for him. I offered to come with him but I explained that it really wasn’t my place but if he wanted I would go with him. We decided it would be best if he went alone but he has called me several times letting me know how she is doing.

That is very thoughtful of him and I think he just needed someone to talk to and I listened. I like him and enjoy our time together and I am just taking it a day at a time. I am in no hurry to be in a committed relationship and we have discussed this but I feel like he is moving to fast for me.

I haven’t smiled or laughed this much in years and it is about time and he makes me feel good about myself. He has started to call me a nickname and we just went out for the first time Friday. He is very affectionate in his manner and he is always holding my hand or has his arm around me and he hasn’t tried to jump my bones as of yet.

He does all the things a real gentleman does and he is always asking if I would like this or that and I always say no which is bothering him. He doesn’t understand why I do not want his gifts and he feels insulted because I have refused to take them from him. I cannot get through to him that I do not want or need his presents, I just want to spend time with him and enjoy our time together.

He seems to think he must buy me things and that isn’t me and he seems to think that is really strange. He told me he has done this with every woman he has ever been with. I have explained to him that a gift isn’t going to change the way I feel about him and it surely will not make me love him.

He says I am very different from any woman he has ever dated and he didn’t understand me and has never had any woman ever turn down his gifts. I told him I am not like other women and I would appreciate if he would respect that and just accept me for me and not compare me to other women, hopefully he will stop the comparison and appreciate me for me.