The Ring Changes

Why is it when people get married the real person tends to come out? There seems that control comes with the ring and that is why I am scared to death to remarry. I watch people turn from a loving couple into two people that argue and try to control each other. I do not want to ever control anyone or anyone control me.

If you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss your problems and things that bother each other. You should never feel you have the right to tell another what they can and cannot do. I’m not opposed to marriage, I’m just opposed to controlling relationships.

I believe we should all be adult enough to settle our differences without killing each other or hurting each other. Why can’t we support each other and the things each wants to do without playing the heavy foot? Why can’t people just be themselves and live their life as it was meant to be lived?

Heart A Stabbing

I feel so bad that I have walked away from my son and it is like my heart is constantly being stabbed. He thinks I am a lousy parent one minute and the next we get along so well. I have to turn my back on him because it is for his best and you may wonder how.  I am not a dr. and I have no answers so it’s best those that do step in.

The cops keep coming to my door and the phone keeps ringing and I refuse to answer either because as soon as I do they are going to want me to step up as the parent and I cannot. Touch love is the hardest love any parent can give their child and it rips away at you as you are torn between wanting to hold them and walking away.

I have put my life out there for others to learn from and hopefully learn not to be so critical of others because you do not know their pain. People that supposedly love us are nowhere to be seen and we have to save ourselves or go down and I will never go down no matter what.

Soap Opera Duchess

I feel like I am the Duchess of soap opera life blogs, my life reads like a poorly written exert in a cheap novel. I sit here trying to remember happier times and I am hard pressed to remember any. It’s been so long since I have been happy that I have become comfortably numb without it.

This life has been nothing but a series of tests and wits and somehow I have managed it this far. My son is going to be the death of me yet because I do not know what to do for him. No child should be so unhappy they want to die but there are so many and suicide rates climb daily with adolescent suicide.

This world puts too much pressure on our young to be their own caretakers at such an early age. I have been fortunate enough to be home to care for my kids the majority of their lives but I feel like such a failure as a parent but I cannot allow myself to wear that cloak of responsibility.

I just don’t know what is going to be next for me because as it stands I cannot see any happiness coming into my life anytime soon, if ever. I am pretty down in the mouth right now but I will bounce back as I always do and no it isn’t about strength, it’s about not having a choice.

Myself Lost

I am so completely lost in my own life and have not a clue where I am heading. One would think at my age I would have all the answers and know where I want to go. I do not, I am completely and utterly lost at this point in my life and all the changes keep on happening so I can never adjust.

I would love nothing more than to live on a small farm with my pets away from people. I have found I like my own company more than other people’s. I am so comfortable by myself and in my own home that I have no desire to go anywhere else right now. I love to travel but I just can’t afford it.

I need to get through these next several years and when the kids are gone is when I will make whatever moves are necessary or desirable. I am so glad I am not a woman who needs company or a man to make her complete. I get lonely but I have survived quite nicely without a man.

I will one day find all that I have dreamed for but in the mean time I am just trying to get past the manure pile of my life and dump the unnecessary crap. It is hard work to clean yourself up and dust yourself off and it takes years to shed the old skin and let the new one shine brightly.

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Backbone

The hardest thing in the world to do is to turn your back on your child, especially when they suffer from bipolar disorder. I have no choice but to walk away from my son and it is ripping out my heart. He attempted suicide Oct 1 and was talking the same stuff at 3 a.m. I have done all I can do and now it’s up to cps.

I will be charged with neglect and the state will put him in a facility or in foster care. For a mother to have do this is so very hard. I have no more choices and it is has come down to be getting a backbone and walking away at this point. I cannot let my child destroy me and himself so I have been given no alternative.

The hospital keeps calling and I refuse to pick up the phone because they want me to take responsibility financially and it’s not happening. CPS knows I have done all I can do for him and it gives me no pleasure to have to be so cold to my child. The problem with being a mother is doing what is best and not feeling guilt.

I feel so bad that I have had to do this to my child but it is for his best no matter how it hurts me. I talked to “C” about the situation and I think I could hear a sigh of relief in his voice. Maybe I am imagining it but I have no doubt that having my son out of the way is what he would like.

When you feel like someone is glad to have your kids out of the way there becomes these undertones of disgust that you feel. I also feel a sense of betrayal from him because I thought he would have common sense to accept my kids but I am starting to think differently.

Reject The Child

My son wasn’t acting right tonight so I have stayed up only to have the police come to my door at 3 a.m. My son texted my step daughter in Minnesota and told her he was suicidal. She called the police instead of me, which was really the right thing to do.

As a mother, I have had a hard time accepting Ryan in and out of the hospital because it’s as if I am reliving my life with my husband. I am so worn out with dealing with medical issues and burying family members that I just cannot take anymore. Tonight was very difficult because I had to watch four grown men try to hold my son down.

He is built like an ox and as strong as ten and they finally had to handcuff him after threatening to taser him. I have refused to go to the hospital which will put his care in the hands of cps. I do not have any choice because I cannot live with him constantly trying to kill himself.

I sent his cps worker a text and it is so hard to turn away from your child and the situation is I either walk away and save myself or I let him literally kill me slowly then kill himself. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I have to and my heart is breaking but sometimes tough love is better than no love at all.

I realize the state will take custody of him and he will end up in fostercare  or a program and I am praying for the prgram and I know his cps worker will do everything possible to get him in one. These are the times I need loving arms and a shoulder and this is the time I really miss that.

Write It Earlier

One thing that really gets on my nerves is going shopping and having to wait for someone to write a check. You know you’re going shopping with no cash and you’re going to write a check so why not make it out and leave the dollar amount blank? Is that so hard to do?

We generally have to wait in line anyway so instead of reading that magazine for free make out your damn check already and do not hold up the line. If it isn’t the check writing holding up the line it’s the lady that insists on buying something on sale and it doesn’t have a price tag.

This is exactly why I hate shopping and think I’m going to start a new business doing just that. Shopping online for people because I hate driving way to much and my fingers are so much safer. I am sure I can find someone who is too lazy and needs someone to do the finger walk for them.

I need to do something with myself because I am bored out of my mind and need something to keep me busy. I am very good with business and I have been thinking about starting a business but not quite sure what I want to do as of yet. All I know is it has to be an online business because I want to travel at the same time.

Work Me Play

I was watching this new show tonight and I could kick myself because I thought of doing this a long time ago. This show is based around a guy that met a girl online and then finally in real life he hunted her down. He posted this on youtube I guess and had a bunch of people contact him now he has a show.

I have the best dating on line story for those that need to learn about being scammed. I think that would be a great show, based on scammers online and following up on them or show the people who they really are chatting with. The show ended badly of course as this beautiful young lady was having a conversation with another girl who wasn’t gay but got caught up in it.

It was really sad to see how hurt the girl was and the picture of the guy she was supposedly talking with online. I can tell you this is the next reality line of shows to come out, I guarantee you. People are always fascinated by the unknown and these type of shows have yet to hit the airwaves.

I can tell you I was so embarrassed that I let myself get scammed the way I was but I also have bipolar disorder and that makes us very easily taken advantage of. So, any of you great film makers want to make a  cool flick let me know, the humiliation and me.

Re Gift Him

I was telling my gf about this guy I have been seeing and all the presents he has attempted to give me. She said to me that I obviously needed to be slapped because I could take those gifts and sell them or re gift them for xmas. I thought I had a devious mind sometimes well I have got to tell you she has me beat, hands down.

First, I would never think of accepting his gifts but to think of selling them or re gifting them is just way out there for me. I know of people who re gift their kids gifts because the kids get way to much crap and if you have to buy for a lot of family members, well what the hell.

I would never re gift a gift given to me, omg to think of doing that takes some balls and mine just don’t roll that a way. I crack up when I think about it because that is just something that is even beyond me, lol and there is few things that fall in that category. My gf keeps on me to accept these gifts and give them to her, lmao.

Gotta tell ya, a friend like that is worth so much as she is a friggin riot and the two of us drinking is the best damn time I have ever had! Neither of us drink so we get drunk very easily and stupid, let me tell you we are stupid at it’s best and we should have our own stupid slow.

X Me Please

Breaking up is hard to do when you are the one being dumped but when you are the “dumper” it feels like such a weight off of your shoulders. I always felt so bad when dumping someone and I would always say “it’s me not you”, when in fact it was me and not them. They just didn’t have that zing I needed in my relationships and more likely than not it was sexual incompatibility for me.

I know, I am slutty right? I demand a healthy sex life and one that  is adventurous and I will not apologize for limiting missionary. I am not sorry I am sexually expressive or find the missionary style so damn boring. I demand a healthy sex life or my relationships just fizzle as so many have done prior to my marriage and included my marriage.

I am not over sexed I just have a healthy attitude toward sex and relationships and if dumping someone because the were a lousy kisser or lousy in bed is the first step to a happy life. Sex and money destroy a relationship so easily so why settle for something or someone who doesn’t fulfill you?