Too Orange

I have never cared for the color orange and Thanksgiving is known for its pumpkin pie. I hate pumpkin pie but I do like sweet potato pie, just replace the pumpking with cooked sweet potatoes.

It has such a great taste and the kids don’t know the difference, Ryan doesn’t like pumpkin pie so I will make lemon meringue for him. Maybe I will make him a chocolate cream pie for a change.

Nobody likes sweet potatoes but me of course and the only thing Ryan will eat is the turkey and maybe a couple of rolls. Shelby is like me and eats like a bird so I have to adjust how much I make.

Bob always ate a lot and Thanksgiving was no different, he loved the pies I made but I could never get him to eat the crust. The pie crust I make is really flaky and very good but most people are used to dry crust.

Bob used to get up at 3 a.m.  and I would catch him eating a huge plate of pie and I just laughed. He really enjoyed those pies and I get a little smile on my face when I think of him eating it because I know he liked it and it made him happy.

I cried a little today and that is the first time in a long time but I realized I am still grieving. The holidays are rough because I am alone but “C” will be here for xmas so I won’t be alone.

“C” is my rock and I am so thankful for him and it feels so good just to lie together and he listens to me. It just feels so good and he is always playing with my hair because he says it is so thick and soft.

He makes me feel good and that is all that is important and even though I just can’t have sex with him maybe it is just something that will happen in time. This is all too weird for me because I am so damn sexual.

Day Dilema

What a day, wow I am glad it is time to relax. Had to drive an hour to pick up my yorkie puppies, Michael and Gabriel and they are brothers but the personalities are quite different and distinct already.

I shouldn’t have spent the money on them but it’s time for me to love me and show myself some kindness and buy myself something I have wanted since my other guys were given away.

I told the kids do not buy me anything for xmas because I got the puppies. I have started to pick up a few items for Shelby and she is coming over tomorrow for dinner. We had a huge fight yesterday and then I thought about it.

It’s hard for me to  accept that I am wrong and say I am sorry but I do do it. I had to finally admit to myself and my daughter that her living at her boyfriends and graduating from high school is hard for me.

I am losing someone I love very much but I have to let her make her own way in this world and under the circumstances it isn’t fair to her. It is hard to admit that your child is growing up, no let me rephrase that, she is grown up.

It has been so hard on her and her senior year without her dad has been really hard for her and her graduation is going to be hard for me. I’ve got her a job lines up with my attorney and she will be going to college in the fall and working.

I feel so bad that Bob spent the kids college money but what can I do? Maybe it is a good thing who knows. I am trying to pay off school and put money away to get her a car for graduation.

Ryan got expelled yesterday and I think that is also a blessing, it saves me money on tuition and Ryan is going to an alternative school which is for troubled and pregnant, trying to get these kids to graduation instead of dropping out.

The kids have grown up fast like Ryan and some have problems like Ryan and others have worse problems. Some classes may have 15 kids and some may only have 5 kids so this will be good.

The puppies have stolen Ryan’s heart and Michael took right to Ryan. Gabriel is just as cute but their personalities are so different. I am glad that Michael took to Ryan because it makes Ryan feel special.






Thanksgiving isn’t Thanksgiving unless the dried onions on the green bean casserole commercials. Seriously, have you tasted that shit? How bland, mushroom soup and green beans with onions on top, yum the fuck ee, not.

I feel the same way about the gizzards and heart, I cook them and give them to the cat or dogs. People forget that bag full of the heart and gizzards and that cracks me up.

I am doing a no no, I am thawing my bird and going to debone him and then put half of him back into the freezer. There is just too much turkey there and it will go to waste and I hate wasting anything.

I have been invited over by two people to have dinner but I am going to stay home and cook. I will enjoy the dinner I cooked and thank God for giving me the strength to get through these troubled times.

Tomorrow I will run to the store and finally buy a new mattress for my bed. I got rid of our mattress after Bob passed away. I put one in layaway but had to let it go, I needed the money real bad.

But it is time to get another mattress and I will put this one upstairs for James. It’s good to have James here because he helps watch over Ryan. James talks to Ryan but Ryan doesn’t listen.

Leg For One

I have to put Turkey Tom into the sink of cold water so he will thaw properly. People leave their turkey out on the counter to that which is a terrible way. Fridge or potable water, potable water is clean water, I know that is common sense but you never know how many people will thaw out on the counter top.

Thanksgiving always ends up cracking me up because I know there will be quite a few necks and gizzards cooked in their own bag inside of that bird. People do not know to feel inside that bird for those food items, I boil them for the cat or dog but Bob used to like to eat the neck, my great grandmother did the same thing with chicken.

I have a nice size bird which is actually stupid of me because I will set the table for one and pull out this beautifully cooked bird and wonderful dinner and I will no doubt fill my plate and look at three empty chairs and I will burst out in tears and push my plate away. Damn, I miss my family so much and holidays makes it even tougher

I could go out to eat but that just isn’t Thanksgiving for me, I like the visual and the smells and  I really miss my conversations with different family members and it gets so damn lonely. I push the sadness out of my mind and try to find a movie to watch, I prefer movies because they have no commercials and I like action movies.

It will probably rain on Thanksgiving which will make it so much worse because I love to lie in bed when it is raining and I wish “C” was going to be here but he can’t. 

Twink Me

I was at the grocery yesterday and it was quite noticeable that Hostess wasn’t there. I do not know what grievances are on the table but I do hope they work out their issues because some people were irate that they couldn’t buy those nasty twinkies. I take twinkies and deep fry them for the kids.

I also make chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes, I like cooking for anyone but it is really nice when the kids tell me I have made something awesome. My son begs me to make Tres Leche and he will eat the entire thing by himself so I only make it once in a while. I like making different things like angel food cake or fill hoagie buns with beef tenderloin, peppers and onions, now that is good eating. 

I make all this food but never eat it, lol, I think just being around all that food automatically makes you full and that is weird but true. My grandmother used to make these huge Sunday dinners and not eat a single bite, she would pick after everyone was done and she was doing the dishes.

Some people do not understand why Southern people insist on feeding you all the time. Many southerners where poor and had little or nothing at all to eat and when things got better for them sharing a meal was something you just did. I think dinner time is a great time for everyone to get together and just chat and tell anything new going on.

Ok You Win

Some people treat love as if it is a win or lose game and it has nothing to do with winning or losing. Some people like to say they won an argument and it makes them feel superior. Relationships are about give and take, understanding and feeling secure, there is nothing worse than a relationship where one is insecure.

You must be able to trust your partner and accept how they live their life and they must respect the same in you. I think long distance relationships can work if the two have trust and some of us cannot help but trust another. I know quite a bit about trust and it is amazing how someone can really let you down and we still have trust in them.

If you are in my life then I trust you  because I have a very small social circle because I do not trust many people and I am quite happy in that area of my life. I look at relationships in an open light because if you cheat on me keep going because if you were happy with me to begin with you wouldn’t be looking elsewhere.

I want people to be happy because life is so much easier when you are happy. I am not happy but I am not terribly unhappy since I got Khloe. I rescued her from the pound and I am not a cat person but she is easy to care for, I will be picking up my yorkie boys this morning and I am happy when I think about those two little shits.

I am happy with my pets more so than most people because I am hope all day and I play with them so much. I should be focusing on “C” but sometimes you meet someone and you have such a friendship connection that sex isn’t thought about. I think that is where “C and I are.

What I was mistaking as “C” falling in love with me I think is actually this awesome friendship like I haven’t had in a real long time. Some people may think it is weird that we can lie naked together and he could bathe me and there is no sex involved. We just click on a different level I think.

I think we both like kissing and lieing together naked and it is like something both of us need, nor more no less. If you know me than you can understand that me being naked most of the time at home is a way of life for me. Yes, I grab a robe now when someone knocks at the door.

Once you are used to someone who is naked most of the time what others would think is terrible is common place with them. I do not walk around naked in front of strangers or my friends because that would make them feel uncomfortable. Being naked is such a free feeling as free as someone feels jumping out of a plane and hearing complete silence except for the wind.


There are two types of people in this world, those that work their ass off and those that follow the one that has worked his ass off. People like to always have someone to follow and they like to be associated with someone who is a shaker and maker. The leader usually doesn’t get the recognition they feel they should.

Most leaders are never recognized for their efforts and it make you mad and sometimes you just have to walk away and regroup. Everything we do has a reaction that follows it and you have to remember that one day you will be rewarded for your efforts. Sometimes, the right person is watching and that makes a huge difference in our lives.

We can be headed in one direction our entire lives and all of a sudden what you used to do is boring and mundane and your life heads in a completely different direction. People that are making changes that eventually trickles down to help or change others lives in a positive way eventually get what they strive for and so much more.

It is so rare to have someone notice your hard work and it is nice to notice this person and tell them how much you appreciate them or what a great job they did. It is a good thing that so many are self driven and will do what they have to, to complete their task at hand. Sometimes, you don’t have anyone to pat you on the back except yourself, so pat away!

Ooh Threats

I have some hacker that is on topface acting like he is from another country. The funny thing is he has a Minnesota ip address. What a jerk, wants me to get naked and masturbate online with him, like that is going to happen. He says he is going to trash my profile like I really do not care.

He has a serious problem if he thinks threatening me is going to get him anywhere because it won’t. Men are so stupid sometimes and this is a perfect example.  Men that try to use sex to control a woman has picked the wrong woman because I do not have a sense of humor when it comes to this.

This jerk either can’t get a woman his age or he thinks older women want him, lol. He said he was going to crack all of my passwords, ok have at it. Some people have serious control issues and I think he has one and is probably short as well. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Maybe I will just focus on “C” which I am but these guys on these dating sites give me free entertainment as they make an ass out of themselves. Maybe other women have cam sex with strangers but not me, I save that shit for someone special and I have yet to meet that individual.