King Me

I finally got the boys to take the queen size mattress up to James room and put my bed together. I love a king size mattress and I got a real firm mattress this time. I put on the new mattress pad and clean sheets and then I went and stood under the shower and then decided to take a bath.

I enjoyed a bath and when I was through I dried off and walked naked with dripping wet hair to the side of my bed. I sat there for a moment and thought what great pictures I could be taking. I thought of him touching me and I laid back on the bed with my legs spread and dangling over the side of the bed.

I cannot close my eyes in bed and not think of him and all I could think of was him standing between my knees and bending over to kiss my breasts. I positioned myself in the center of my bed and laid there naked and uncovered and enjoying the feeling of downy sheets under my ass.

I grabbed the comforter and covered myself as I was getting cold and I thought of us lying in a spoon position and just relaxing. We were talking softly and he began to stroke my nipple which excited me. We made love slowly and passionately which was so romantic and exciting.

Then of course my fantasy was shattered by Ryan wanting me to make him Tres Leche, that kid and that cake are making me crazy. He doesn’t want to help around here why should I do anything for him? 

Rod & Reel

Remember when I was just a 


Remember when we were 

Nothing more than a 

Credit Card?

Remember when I didn’t have a


Remember when love was used

To complete the 


Who ended up 


Who lost themselves

In who I 


Who now wants my


Who now wants to give me


Isn’t it funny how time

Changes so much

Isn’t it odd how we are 


When I was to be

Nothing more than 

A fish?


Nickels And Dimes

I have spent the better part of today adding stuff on amazon and ebay and wrapping books to ship tomorrow. I spent several weeks getting all of my books together and anything I can sell instead of giving it away. Last week and this week have brought in over 200 dollars which is always needed.

I am selling as much stuff as I can because I do not want it and when I move it will be so much easier. I have this huge house that I cannot maintain any longer or keep clean. My husband was fanatical about cleaning because he had nervous energy and he was always in the wheelchair in the house.

Two things my husband was awesome at was keeping the house clean and driving us places. I hate driving, absolutely hate it because I do not like speed limits and cleaning house is a waste of time because I have other things to do that are more important to me. I really cannot wait to sell this house and selling all the crap makes me money plus eliminates crap I do not need.

My son wants the money from his kinnect and other stuff but he seems to forget he just got a 130 dollar speeding ticket, which he will pay for. I am not going to make life easy for him and he is going to have to learn he has to pay for his mistakes just as all of us have to.

I hope Ryan gets a girlfriend at his new school because that would make him feel so good about himself. There is no way my kids meet anyone until Ryan has someone who will love him and he loves her back. The first girlfriend/boyfriend makes a huge difference in a kids life and his happiness is my happiness.


Panic Over Seas

Long distance relationships can put a lot of pressure on you if you let them but they need not be stressful at all if you look at the relationship logically. The first thing you have to take into consideration is any children of either party and then you have to consider family.

I do not have to worry about family because they are all have passed and it’s me and my children. I do not want anyone to move to the states to be with me because they do not have to. If their work is overseas then it is best to live overseas for the most part and then one has to look at the taxes.

I wouldn’t want him to move here because I don’t want to live here, lol. I am moving after Ryan graduates and I want to live over seas somewhere or another country and I am leaning towards latino countries because of personal believes. I think it is best that we take this real slow and get to know each other.

Sometimes people panic and say things to keep the person in their life but they should be careful of their promises and statements. There is no reason we can’t spend time together on the weekends or when he is alone and when a little one is visiting, I do not or he doesn’t visit me.

I am not one to want to bring children into a relationship for quite some time because  the scares  kids have are deep already and I am not one to want to rattle anyone’s cage. Children get very protective of their opposite parent and I know my son is very protective of me.

The thing about kids is they tell everything and there are no secrets. When I was separated I tried to drive into the kids that my life was mine and do not go back to dad and tell him what I am doing, it is none of his business. Don’t you know they couldn’t wait to tell him every little thing I did.

I know there will be problems if things work out and the x always has their two cents to put into the jar. I have no interest in being a problem for anyone and I definitely do not deal with x wives. I didn’t know her before and I do not know what happened in their relationship nor do I care to want to really know.

I think if we can make it through the first six months then we are doing well enough to go to the next level if things are working for everyone involved. I am a giver and I will do what ever needs to be done to make my relationships happy for everyone.

I do not ever expect to be put before kids unless they are adults then that is a completely different situation. I know how important a child/father/mother relationship is and our children are only children once and how we act shapes their world. We have to always be mindful of our kids and if we are things will work out beautifully.

I can live anywhere and I can go long periods without seeing someone if we keep in contact by phone or computer and I also see a huge changing coming into his life which is employment related, how he brings in money will change drastically and he will do very well for himself.

I do not want him to support me or my children and the nicest gift he could ever give me is a house keeper for a month, lol. My back is so bad that it hurts so much to bend and pick up around the house. I want us both to feel that we have our freedom but we are also one and I know both of us will have to make sacrifices, but it’s one day at a time, baby.

Hook Line

I can’t be with him but all I have to do is close my eyes and we are together and I can imagine his hand touching my cheek, his lips kissing mine and the warmth of his body keeping me warm and safe. He is the one I have waited an eternity for and no one can replace him.

It’s been a long hard road but we have stayed on it against all odds and no one would ever believe the love story we have been writing. When someone controls your every thought and your dreams are romantic dancing, just the two of you and your world smiles when you think of each other, it is a good day.

We have something so unique and special it is so hard to explain or describe. We have a love that is of two best friends and I can talk to him about anything and he can always calm me down and give me peace. He has angelic magic that makes me smile and he makes me laugh so much.

He is someone I cannot describe to you because he is so unique and he is a driven man. He never gives up on anything he wants or anyone and he never walks away from a challenge because that is what he lives for. He needs a challenge and he needs to stay stimulated or his life is boring.

Direction Positive

I have been going through quite a few mental changes and how I view people and the world. These changes are subtle but definitive and they are reshaping my views and fears. I am ready to step forward into a healthy relationship and I have wiped the slate completely clean so we can start fresh.

It’s like I have met someone for the first time when in fact I have known him four years. I want to meet him and talk to him and I want to know what I feel for this person. I love him, yes but in a different way then I have loved anyone else-it’s hard to describe but I know I can be silly with him.

I also know I can be myself with him and that is hard to come by because I do not feel totally comfortable with anyone. I have always kept a shield up but with him I feel safe enough to let it down. He is finally letting a bit of his guard down as well and this is good for both of us.

I do not want to change a single thing in his life, not where he lives, the time he spends with his kids or family, the way he sleeps. The sleeping part is a lie because I want him to get into a better sleeping pattern for his health. He is going to make a gigantic change in his own life soon enough.

I am here for him and I am starting to believe he is here for me but I am going to continue to see “C” until I know there is a connection with us. I won’t have sex with “C” but I will continue to want him to kiss me and hold my naked body next to his. It is an odd relationship we have because he hasn’t tried to push the sex button.


Kid Silly

I do some really silly things because that is how I roll and one of those things involves whip cream in a can. Today’s kids go into the grocery and get high off of the gas inside the can but I chose to eat it, lol. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that can of cream in the fridge waiting just to be squirted.

I like squirting whip cream into my mouth and I like to spray in on a man and lick it off. I like to squirt it on the puppies noses and watch them lick it off. Whip cream is fun and tastes good and now they even make it in chocolate, be still my beating heart. I chased Ryan around with the can and sprayed him, lol.

You have to do silly things with your kids because life is always so serious and these silly moments make us laugh. Ryan was running around the house and then he would reverse and go the other way, making it hard for me to catch him. I like the sound of laughter from my kids and I really like when we can laugh together.

Foodie 101

I am a foodie, I love everything about food from planting that first seed to serving it at the table. One would think I eat a lot but the truth is I do not. When I go out to eat I am hungry and I order a lot of food but I can never get past the soup or salad. I enjoy preparing food for others and knowing they are eating something they have never tried excites me.

When I was a child I drank milk right from the teet and eggs freshly laid without worry of getting sick. We can no longer eat our foods that way and safety is up to ourselves. I am fanatical about washing fruits and veggies and cooking most meats to the proper temperature.

Temperatures are not the only thing we must concerns ourselves with and I was reminded of that yesterday. Ryan and James decided to make a cake from box and Ryan told James not to lick the beaters because of salmonella. I was impressed that my son remembered the dangers of raw egg.

I have had food poisoning one time and it was terrible, my stomach hurt so bad and when I wasn’t throwing up I was shitting like a goose and sometimes it was simultaneously and it really left a shitty mess. 

Murder In The Black

Have you ever wanted to leave all the ugliness in your life behind? Have you ever wanted to escape from the memories as if they were a black hand reaching up for you out of the ground? Have you tried to run in your dreams from what haunts you and makes life scary? I want to murder in the black.

I want to disintegrate all that has been such an ugly reminder of days long pass. I do not want my relationships tainted by what will never change. I also have to remind myself that it’s those very moments I want to erase that has helped shape who I am today. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could keep the could and murder in the black the memories that are so ugly?

I feel a bit like a young school girl who is innocent and fresh, even though I am so far from it. I like this light and airy feeling I get when I think of a certain person. I am like the proverbial Cheshire cat as I sit with the naughty smirk planting itself firmly on my face and my thoughts, ooh la la.

Boxed I

Have you ever met someone and didn’t like them and you were mean or ignored them only later to meet them again and be attracted to them? Maybe you stole something from them and later found yourself so attracted you couldn’t let go? Don’t you hate when things like that happen?

What have you done to yourself? You have boxed yourself in and it’s hard to redeem yourself in the other persons eyes. You spent hours trying to figure out how you can get this person to forgive you and get some of their attention. I have never had that happen, lol but I have had that happen to guys and they seem to have this desire to be with me.

I can remember when I was around 21 I went to the bar with some friends to celebrate my birthday and one friends boyfriends friend was an annoying ass. My girlfriend went home with her boyfriend and had his friend give me a ride home. What a night, he drove a vet and decided to show me how fast it went, lmao.

He ended up going to jail that night for speeding and drunk driving and I drove his vet to my house. He picked up his car the next day and exactly one year later he called me to wish me happy birthday and to ask me out. It’s funny how people remember me at the oddest times.

Someone I know has been trying to redeem themselves and I wish they would stop because it’s water under the bridge, dirty panties in the wash and the wet spot has dried. I have long ago forgiven him and I get pissed at times because I felt like I was spinning my wheels with him.

I think I have a better understanding why he has done what he has done and why he has stood behind the green door for so long. I do hope I am right because it makes me like him much more because I am not left up to think the worse.