Bess Never

For some unknown reason I started thinking about my daughter that I miscarried. She would have been ten and I started thinking of all the Christmas’s I have missed with her. I am fortunate to have to healthy children but she is always lingering in the back of my mind.

I have had many losses in my life and I have been shaped by those losses but when you lose a child, there is a wound that just never heals. It’s hard for a woman to lose a child and it is even harder when she didn’t want the child and then she fell in love with the idea.

There is no greater gift than our children even if they are “difficult” at times. I am beginning to accept that my son isn’t difficult, I am just ignorant on how to understand him. I think he thinks on a level way above my own at times and that is impressive.

Peeps Around The World

I found this song and it immediately made me think of my grandmother, brother, aunt, dad and husband. These are all of my family that has passed in the last five years. I miss all of them each and every day and pray that maybe one day I will have a family again.

I do not know you but I am sharing this song with you and hoping you have wonderful holidays!!!! Thank all of you for following and reading my blog and all I have learned from you.

 

The Wish Of Christmas

My wish for Christmas is that my children stay healthy and know that I love them. My wish of Christmas that I may touch people in a helpful and positive manner. I want not for myself because what I want and need cannot be purchased and comes with no price tag. I just want those that are grieving to know we grieve together.

We may feel we are alone at times but we are never truly alone as our loved ones are with us. I know those that have moved on never forget us and they look down upon us with love and hope for our happiness. It is difficult to be without family and the holidays are terribly lonely without them but we must remember the joy we brought into each other’s lives.

The tear you shed today comes back to you in the form of a hug you cannot see and a kiss you can feel but lips you cannot see. Hold tight to those good memories and be thankful you had the time you did with that person. Be thankful you have family and those of us that do not, let it be known we hold hands and are together.

Try Me Please

Tomorrow I head back to court for the felony charge of entering my deceased dad’s home to get documents. Long story and boring but tomorrow should be the beginning of the end. The trial will last for two days my attorney has told me and he asked me what the pictures were of that the prosecutor had.

The pictures were of the documents I needed to settle my dad’s estate and then there was the bag of my dad’s ashes. Doris lied to me about my dad’s ashes, she said he wanted to be buried on the highest mountain and on his farm. This is a lie and there is nothing written in his will about that.

Those ashes belong to me not her and it is very upsetting for me to see them in a picture when I was going to put him to rest. This woman is greedy and a thief, she steals from the elderly and manipulates them into giving her their things and money. The relationship was one of convenience and she wanted my dad to marry her but he refused.

I just want to get this over with because I want to leave the states on a vacation and I need to clear this mess up first and then I am suing the shit out of the cops and Doris. I am fighting for what is my children’s as well as mine and with no family left all I have is family heirlooms.

The Union True

We are programmed to marry, raise our children and divorce or divorce and raise our children. The union true of marriage is a contractual agreement between two people and the contractual agreement doesn’t make room for emotional feelings. People make a huge mistake of marrying for love alone.

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Love doesn’t pay the bills and love doesn’t guarantee happiness and it doesn’t guarantee longevity of the union true. Women tend to want to get married more quickly than a man but there are some men that require marriage to make them feel secure. I am secure within myself even though I have days of self-doubt but I do not need to legalize a union true.

If I ask you to marry me I am not asking for a legal document, I am asking for a commitment of your heart.

I consider myself married to someone because I have not laid with another and I am here for him always. He makes me mad, damn mad at times and I infuriate him as well but it’s a beautiful thing we have. Totally unconventional, we love each other but we do not know each other to be in love with one another.

I love so many things about him but what I really get a kick out of is when he thinks he pulling a sneaky over my eyes. He is a riot and so funny and I sit back and just laugh and laugh. He is very smart but guess what? I have check mated him several times with great joy and I don’t play chess, lol.

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A Hope A Dream

I woke up to take Ryan to school and he was up all night sick so he didn’t make it to school, again. I am still sick myself with the intestinal flu. I went back to bed and had the most delightful dream. I seem to have the best dreams after I go back to sleep and they are always so comforting.

I was sleeping in his bed in France and the light was sneaking peeks through the drapes. He was lieing behind me with his arm over my waist. I could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my neck and I moved his hand from my waist and placed it on my bare breast.

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We were so comfortable and it felt so right to be next to him. There was no sexual arousal, it was just two people feeling secure and happy to be with each other. Both of us needed this time to relax and to recharge for the day ahead and he was going to be leaving for the day shortly.

He repositioned himself and we slowly awoke and he climbed over me to get out of bed and into the shower. My day wasn’t to start for several more hours but the thought of him in the shower made me get up and join him. Both of us stood under the hot water and I soaped up the sponge and began to wash him.

I slowly moved the sponge over his neck and down his chest and then I washed his back and moved back to his crotch and gently washed his erect member. I worked around to his tight butt and washed him delicately. He kissed my neck and put me against the wall and entered me slowly.

This was no hasty sexual act but an act of slow methodical  demonstrative love. We made slow, passionate love and both of us exploded like a bomb. I washed his hair and then bent down and washed his legs and feet as he washed my hair and bathed me. We exited the shower and dried each other off and both of us had that look of mischievous on our faces.

I took off towards the bed and he chased me and as I dove into the bed he followed. We got under the covers and in a comfortable position and we talked about the days events. He got out of bed and I admired his glistening nakedness as he got dressed and then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

I really like dreams like this because it makes me feel safe and secure, he makes me feel safe and secure and just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish he was just a regular guy with a regular job but he isn’t regular in any way shape or form. With all that he has he also goes without the security of knowing that people like him for himself not his title.

People can be rich and famous and others think they have it all but the truth is they have no piece of mind. They always have to protect themselves from users and people who want to capitalize from them. Women have to be analyzed for their intentions and motives as well.

Would I ever want to be rich and famous? No, you may have the fame and all that you want materialistically but you can never be sure if someone likes you for you and nothing more. I have known him for years and the last two is when I discovered who he really is.

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It is difficult for me to know who he is because I feel as if he compares me to all of the other women that want to be with him because of who he is. He doesn’t realize that his fame is a total turn off to me because I have no desire to live that lifestyle, no I am the girl who wants to go back to her youth of happiness living on a farm.

My wedding ring is very beautiful I guess but I am not into jewelry and my daughter wants my ring. I do not know if I should give it to her or not because it does represent her father and I. The ring means nothing to me and holds no memories like it should but the first sign that the marriage wasn’t going to work was the day we got married.

My girlfriend took pictures at the justice of the peace and not a single picture turned out. That represented a black cloud over our marriage to me. Things progressively got more distant as the years went on and we were no more than two ships passing in the night. I look back now and I see my purpose in the marriage was to take care of my husband until he reached heaven.

I did all the required duties and so much more but the marriage lacked the essentials for a happy union. I guess I am a strange  bird because I do not want anyone to support me or pay my bills and take care of my kids. I do not want a fancy house and car and I do not want a closet full of expensive clothes.

What do I want? A small ranch and a garden that I can pick fresh tomatoes, cilantro, garlic and jalapeno peppers. I really like hot sauce and making my own is the best. I just want a simple, happy life and I think that is what he is striving for himself because he has realized long ago the pitfalls of fame.

No matter how my dreams end I will always want him to be happy and healthy and I will always want his happiness, even if it is at the expense of my own. I have such a deep believe in the thought of us as true soul mates and that will never change because it continues to grow stronger year by year.

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Tears Of Holiday

This is the first Christmas without my dad and the second Christmas without my husband. I quit enjoying holidays the year I got married. Watching my kids open gifts was always a delight but when that was over I considered the day over and I was always glad. Tears of Holidays follow me like my shadow and I always cry these days over the empty, lost feeling of being alone on the holidays.

My kids have their own agenda and the closest I have been to my son in quite a while was tonight when both of us ran for the bathroom, him to puke and me, well there are certain foods that shoot through my system like a cannon. I do have to laugh because he puked all over the toilet, himself and me and I shit all over myself.

We didn’t know which smelled worse but both of us ended up taking showers, like yesterday. It just amazes me how we have four bathrooms but we seem to always use the one. I wonder if that is the case in most homes or is this just another oddity to this household.

I do not have a single decoration up or a Christmas tree and I just do not have any desire to celebrate the holiday’s because there is nothing for me to celebrate. Do I celebrate my dad’s death? My husband’s? No, I celebrate nothing even though Christmas has nothing to do with us or buying presents.

 

Death Of A Fruit Fly

I like bananas but I do not like fruit fly’s and they are so hard to get rid of even with a jar of juice covered with wax paper with holes in it. I do not like a messy house and I definitely do not like fruit fly’s. I have had to learn to step up my game and find new ways to do things because of my bad back and knee.

I discovered the wonders of the shop vac and weed blower as I suck up the fruit fly’s and catch most of them in the disposal and I use the leaf blower to clean under the bed and couches. I know this blows dust all over but it’s the only way to get this house clean. My son is a typical lazy fifteen year old so I am on my own most of the time.

I can no longer lift, shove and push things the way I used to and age has left its mark on my body. I have “war wounds” from caring for my husband and doing other things the female body was not built to do. If I ever won the lottery I would have a housekeeper for the simple fact that it’s to hard for me.

Back to sucking up the last of the fruit fly’s and there I times I wish the hose was bigger so I could suck up my son, lol just kidding, not.