The Cage

The police just left, my son flipped out when I took his cell away. He got up and as I was walking away he shoved me as hard as he could. I landed on the floor and tried to get up and he kicked me in the ribs. He grabbed the puppies cage and started hitting me over and over. The cage is bent to shit from him hitting me with it. 

I was able to get up and run through the kitchen and over the milk he poured on the floor earlier. He slipped on his own mess and I ran around into the great room. He caught up to me and shoved me again and I landed in the hallway, he started kicking me over and over and James was trying to find a phone to call police.

I got away and Ryan ran out the door, the police just left and I am signing Ry into the psych ward, he kept saying over and over that he was going to kill me and I believe he would have if I hadn’t gotten away. I think I have broken ribs and I am going to find out because I am in so much pain.

I have scrapes and bruises up my arm from the cage, I cannot live like this any longer-

Nutty Mix

Sit back and remember, remember when the kids ran through the house in the onesies and laughter rang out like a church bell? The smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies filled the air and homemade soup was on the stove. Remember when the gift of a hug was gold and a kiss was silver?

Can you remember lieing in bed and looking at the moon and wanting to lasso it and pull it to you? Remember all those dreams as a child you had and now they are but memories? Remember the one thing you wanted was a union true and then you were sadly disappointed and now no longer believe a union true can ever exist?

Does Hope Float?

I started watching the movie Hope FLoats and it took me back to my marriage. The lack of intimacy, a bed so big we basically slept in two rooms, no hugs or kisses and romance was avoided like a skunk spray. I wonder how many people live their marriages like that?

It isn’t a happy life living in a house of none when two people are there daily. It isn’t happy settling for less than you deserve and it isn’t happy doing what is “right” instead of what feels right. It is as if part of the marriage passage is growing apart eventually and into ourselves and what we want in live.

The first serious sign of distance is when you are at the marriage counselors and both of you sit on the edge of opposite sides of the couch or chairs that are as far from each other as possible. Counselors have a way of making us deal with the realities we hide under the couch.

My marriage was held together by bubblegum and old glue stick and nothing more. I have lived such a barren life of love and I am getting to the point that I am accepting things I have turned a blind eye to for too many years. intimacy is the number one thing that I need and do others and we deny what we know we require.

I just finished watching the movie and it made me cry because I would have loved my marriage to have taken this turn but it didn’t. I want a relationship like the end of the movie, one that is that happy and fulfilling, will I ever have that? Who knows, not I.

Me Lies

We our a species of intelligence that is so amazing we can get ourselves to believe the lies we choose to believe. The first lie I am guilty of believing is that I will ever meet him, the second lie is he cares for me and the third lie is he respects me. These little lies are as comforting as my grandmothers afghan.

I have no doubt he has a girlfriend or has gotten back with one and I have no place in this life. I am not even one of a hatric anywhere in his life and I am no longer going to let myself lie to myself. I am just thankful I am not married and have to accept the fact that my spouse is cheating on me or even a boyfriend.

I somehow seem to find the guys that use me or buy me ridiculously embarrassing gifts. Tonight, I am shaking it up and going out with mr hockey. He is funny and has agreat personality and this milf thing isn’t as bad as it may seem because sometimes we need a bit of youth to add some spark to our lives.

I have finally stopped lieing to myself and I am moving forward in the dating scene. I no longer wait for anyone and if you say you will meet me at 7 you damn well better be there no later than 7:10. I am finally taking back my control and my heart.

I will not let anyone in just yet and the one I have let in is no longer welcome and I am sure he is happy with whom ever he is with and he will always be happy because he has taught himself to settle for less than his heart really needs.