Tune In

 

You like to watch movies? Study the process of film making? Do you pay attention to lighting and camera angles? Do you listen to the soundtrack or is it just background “noise”? I like watching movies but never seem to have the time, maybe because I am on the net way to much.

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The first thing that catches my attention when watching a movie is the soundtrack because I am a music junky. You would never know it to look at my itunes account. I have an ipod I havent done a damn thing with and I should have loaded my tunes long ago. Music is so awesome I do not know how I could be happy without it.

Lâcher

If you cared for someone and knew that you made them sad and questioning would you let go and leave their life so they could be happy? Would you continue on in your current direction which is strictly self motivated? Why would you hang on knowing that there was never going to be anything between you two?

If you really care for someone you want their happiness and if that means you must leave their life then you do it. It’s not fair to hold someone back by playing mind games with them. This doesn’t make you  admirable or the least bit decent so why must you control everything and everybody?

I am not one that can be controlled no matter who you are and it hurts me to thing that “he” is so selfish that he cannot see beyond himself. I now know that he cannot make me happy and it was nothing but a fantasy gone wrong. I don’t blame him but if he ever cared for me he would forget whatever is on his mind because we will never be one and I know that and have finally accepted it.

Dark Edge

It’s hard to let go of what is comfortable and gives us a sense of security. We have people in our lives that we are not angry at but need to show them the way out of our lives. It’s not healthy to have people in our lives that cause us to wonder constantly and we do not have peace of mind with them in our lives.

That’s pretty much how I feel, I am standing at the fork in the road and I have chosen my path and I do not want him to follow. I do not want to live like this any longer and I won’t. I have accepted the fact that we have nothing in common and he isn’t my guardian angel as I so thought, along with being my soulmate.

I fooled myself for to many years and now the rose colored glasses have come off. It feels weird to be dating but it is making it easier to forget about him. I have a phone card and I could call him but the last 6 times I have called he doesn’t answer so why waste my time and money?

I used to dream about us but even that doesn’t happen to often and then there is “C”. I do not know what bug crawled up his ass but the damn thing has a homing device that points to my friggin house. He told me he didn’t buy the car but if I would let him he would buy me one, uh no.

He told me he likes the way I don’t take things from him including his bullshit, he said too many people kiss his ass and it”s “refreshing” to talk to a “real” person. He said he likes my “hard to get” attitude and I just said wtf? Hon, I am not playing hard to get, men.

Murky Water

I have lived a lie for 4 years and I am finally waking up and seeing the painting and all the colors, not just the ones I like. I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt but only a foolish woman continues to live that way. There is something changing about my life daily and the way I think and feel about situations and people.

My thinking about one particular person can be described as a bottle of coke. You open it up with a pop and it’s fizzy but let it sit around awhile it goes flat. That’s the way I feel about someone, it’s as if I were a brand new bottle of coke opened and left to sit. I have lost my fizz and feel nothing more than sadness.

I feel sad for someone I shouldn’t, I just feel like this person has so much to give and isn’t giving it. I am sure one day he will find his total happiness but it won’t be with me. I am the type of person as I think most are that you reach a point that the clear water we were swimming in has turned dark and murky.

I don’t know how to describe the shallow, blank feelings and I don’t know why I even feel anything as I have led myself on. I did the ritual death of a relationship in my mind and I am all good with it. He isn’t hurt and he isn’t missing me so why should I keep investing emotions into the pit of quicksand?

Hap It

Have you ever sat down and really taken a look at what would make you happy? I’m not talking the ten second gift that thrills the shit out of you but wears off rather quickly. I am talking about the kind of happy I feel on a summer day and the sun is beating on my face and the grass under my feet.

I am talking about the kind of happiness that quiets the soul and eases the mind, the kind of happiness that you can’t see or touch. I remember moments of happiness like this but it has been so long. I know what would make me happy, really happy. I don’t want the expensive gift happy, I want the happy that one feels running free.

I don’t want to hang on happiness on the actions of anyone but myself because even this pea brain knows that we have to make ourselves happy, no one else can. My needs are few and one day, one day will be my day but I haven’t a clue when that will be. I do not wait for a man to bring happiness to me either.

There are people who I love and then there are people who I looovvvvvveeeee and that love is for my children, my children will always be my children but a relationship, well we all know personal relationships could blow up at any time and come to a screeching halt. I no longer carry a torch for anyone and there is no one I consider special in my life and really not interested in ANY one.

Neglect Me Neglect U

I am being charged with neglect of my son because I will not bring him home so I am essentially abandoning him. CPS cannot get help for Ryan unless he is neglected and so I have to wear this charge. I don’t care what they charge me with as long as my son gets help.

It’s a shame that I have to be charged but if that is what has to happen to get the help then so be it. The system is severely flawed and I am sick of this damn carousel. 

I think Shelby and I will go away for winter vacation in February, both of us need it and this is her senior year and my last year to be this involved in her life. She has not had the best senior year and it should be but it is what it is and I just want to have a week of one on one with her, the “letting go” vacation.

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I try to remember I am sending off a little girl and in return I have given the world a beautiful young woman. I have done nothing but let go of people for the last seven years and I have to let the dead rest. It takes approximately two years before you begin to heal from a loss and it looks like 2014 I will  have finally reached the point of true healing and once again living.

This Christmas is the second without my husband and the first since my dad died, two prominent men in my life. I will fight the good fight and get through this as I do every other sad or troublesome problem. They say good things come to those who wait but come on now I have been waiting for 53 years and nada so something has to give soon.

Shattered Lives

I walk gingerly on shards  of broken glass and as the shards cut into my feet I feel nothing. This describes the pain in my heart over my son. I feel as if I have been beaten unmercifully as I was when I was a child. My son did something to me, something to my emotions and something to my heart.

I talked to Katie from cps and she is working on getting him into a long term facility. The police want me to press charges and I asked the cop how long he went to training to be a cop. He said three months, well three months does not make a legal genius and no I will not file charges.

My son is a very sick little boy locked into a young man’s body and the hatred in his eyes came from years of rejection from his dad. I am not putting the blame on limp dick for everything but he refused to let the kids grow up and take care of their own laundry, picking up, ect.

It’s called being a fucking PARENT but Bob was never a parent to Ryan only to Shelby. This is the shit Bob has left me with, a damaged soul that I cannot repair. You do not file criminal charges against a minor that is mentally ill, why do I hate cops? They think they are sitting next to Antonin Scalia.

Who is Antonin Scalia? Supreme court baby and I think he has a bit more knowledge of the legal system then a cop. Yes, my son hurt me physically but the cuts and bruises as well as broken bones will heal but the damage to my heart will not.  It is hard for me but I have to take blame for my child.

I brought him into this world and it’s my polluted genes that have colored his world so ugly. I was always afraid of passing on my mental illness but I wanted children so bad. This is what being greedy does, it brings you pain and pain to the other person and I don’t know how to get past this.

Fur & Fish

There was a movie I saw as a kid that really woke me up to what Christmas is really about. I found this movie from my childhood and it is so touching. It makes you realize that not getting that new iphone 5 or ipad is insignificant in the grand scheme of life.