Smiling Determination

I watch the vids and I see the determination behind the smile, I see the wondering behind the eyes. Who is this man? He is a God she said, you are so  wrong the women in her 50’s said. He is not God but he is angel don’t you know?”

The look is one of  not understanding how or why he was chosen. He doesn’t find himself to be the man so many claim he is. He has fallen into the lifestyle but inside, well inside he’s still a little boy riding the fields bareback.

He wants that life back but he doesn’t know how to get it back. He knows you can never go back because everything changes yet he still dreams of the day he can walk out the door to stare at his land.

He is a mixed bag of nuts because he wants now and he want tomorrow as well. He likes his lifestyle, he likes to be acknowledged and he loves to flirt even though he is a shy one.

If he lets you know him he gladly will share moments with you while he is taking a shit so he tells you. He isn’t to good with science though because he thinks frogs live in the ocean.

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No, he isn’t stupid but he sure thinks I am or that was the quickest lie he could come up with on such short notice. A frogs ass is water tight but they still can’t swim, why the hell did he think I thought lilly pads were for? lmao

 

 

SE Walk

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into something? Something inside had been telling you that the “fit is not right”? Have you stayed in a situation in hopes that it would  change?

I think all of us have been there and done that. When the situation finally comes to and end it’s a sad, empty feel for a couple of weeks but then you begin to breathe again, you begin to flourish and grow.

There may be a random call or text but you have reached the point that there are no longer those texts that even became boring and some what annoying. Ya we miss all of this stuff but then we begin to feel a freedom we have missed for so long.

We stay in situations because they are predictable and comfortable, we fall into a routine that isn’t satisfying but works just enough to get us by. We settle for easy because we do not want to put in the hard work required.

Walk No Look

It is so hard to walk away from someone who means so much to you but sometimes, well sometimes we are forced to choose how much we are willing to absorb before we have no more room?

Have you ever wanted to just end it and let it melt slowly like butter on hot grits? No arguing, no hateful things being thrown at each other, just a simple “hey, I’m sorry but I want things to be different”.

I have looked back and I have tried for months to put this to and end. Yes, I want it to end or be what it should have been long ago, two people who are connected through powers we cannot see or control.

This is how I feel in a nut shell – I want to be with a real person and have a real hug and kiss- no committment-no requirements and if that can’t happen then there is no sense in continuing on, now is there?

Real – Know It

Are you solid?Solid in mind, spirit and soul? Do you know what direction you are heading and do you know what it is you really want to receive when you reach your destination? You have no doubts? No questions or worries?

You know the path you walk is true and you continue even if it is to your detriment? Do you travel with solid thoughts and aims? If you have this going for you then my hat is off to you for sure.

I do not have a clue where I am headed or what I am doing. I have so many things I am trying to implement and so many personal issues that I feel like I am going into the never-ending.

I must confess I am making major changes in my life and I no doubt appear to be scattered, which I am but I know what my heart is feeling and I know what I need as a human being and a woman.

I am working on the gullible and I am no longer going to help the world before myself. I am no longer able to continue with unknowns because, well hell I don’t know. All I do know is it is time to shit or get off the pot.

I never asked you to take on my problems and I never would, all I wanted was to give and get some affection. I am aware that is not going to come forth from you and it’s a shame it has to come to this but it has to, you must agree.

You have had to have reached the point that this is going nowhere and just accept that. We are to different and we live two different lives and that will never change. I am in a state of transformation and I no longer settle, sorry hon I just can’t do this any longer.

Me? Yes

People use different reasons or excuses to end a relationship. The ” It’s me not you” is used quite a bit and in my case it is true, it is me and not him. I do not know how to tell him I need to breathe and I need space and lots of it.

I need to feel desirable and wanted just like anyone else and I need the freedom to meet people without interference from him. How do I say to him, ” please cut me lose” and get him to do it?

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Doesn’t he realize my life is like the Rio Grande going through Brownsville? I need to feel another body, another heart beat. Doesn’t he realize I need someone to lick my wounds and keep going.

Doesn’t he understand my life is nothing but painful flashbacks and I need the comfort of a man? He can’t provide for me and I am the flower that is wilted and my petals  hang touching the floor.

It isn’t him, it is me and I want real not memorex or jets. Why won’t you please forget about me because I am forgetting about you. I do not want to be mean and nasty but I also do not want to come across as the poor little helpless person either.

Toodles Au Voir

You know what these three words mean? They mean goodbye, see ya, it’s been to real for me, get the hell out of my life or simply move on. Why do people hold on to someone who doesn’t want them or want anything to do with them?

The heart wants what it wants and that includes the absence. There is no room in my heart or my life for you and if that hurts you there is nothing I can do about it. Did you think I would wait until you grew balls to come to me?

Did you think my life would stay on hold for you? Did you think you could play me like the rest? You need to realize what ever your fantasy, it is time for you to wake up and forget it. I won’t change my mind and I won’t let you continue to mind fuck me.

Life is to precious and time waits for no one including me so I am telling you goodbye and my best.

Straus Talk

If your jeans could talk what would they say? Mine would say, gf when you gonna put on some panties, those boy shorts will do nicely. LOL ya I know I am easily entertained but it gets me through the day.

 

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25th Of Never

Christmas is a blink away and Christmas morning is always filled with tradition. Will you be opening presents, video going and that special xmas breakfast cooking in the kitchen? Will you be up at 3 a.m. picking up wrappings?

I can tell you what I will be doing, I will lay in bed until I have to get up or pee myself. I will go back to bed and play with the puppies and Khloe and then I will stare at the wall feeling nothing.

The kids will not be here, there is no tree up , no presents wrapped-Christmas dinner was going to be a standing rib roast for a change but that isn’t going to happen either. There will be no Christmas dinner and no Christmas memories to look back on.

It will be no different from any other day and I do not look forward to it nor do I dread it. Life is what it is, accept it reject it nothing is going to change so why cry? Empty arms and empty life is status quo here.

Grievers Cemetary

I have been temporarily confined to my own grievers cemetery. I have felt as if I must continue to grieve but I am not sure for how long. I am still grieving but am trying to let it go and it hasn’t been easy for me. 

You have to believe and you have to learn to let go and it is a process that is time consuming. Grieving is painful and memories pop up at the least desired occasion. This is when the angels come out, this is when you feel their touch and they work magic.

Angels do things that we would never think of doing without such guidance. We are directed to read an article, listen to a song, view a video or even talk to a stranger. This exchange has healing power and the angels make this meeting happen.

It is time for all of us that are grieving to leaving our grievers cemetery and live life again. It’s time to lie down the guilt and frustration, anger and pain, loss and emptiness. Sometimes, we just need a little help.

Life is not finite and we cannot expect people to wait because no one can set time, time is already set for us but unknown to us.