She Thinks…

She thinks that what has happened is for the best

She thinks it is just another test

She doesn’t know what to do 

Can you help her?

Can you support her

In what she has to do?

She has tried so hard

She has given much too

But for some reason

Her life stays blue

Will you not hold her

Love her and warm her?

Won’t you just listen as 

She cries through her tears

She has no one but you

She can trust

Everyone else is

Full of lust

She needs her friend

She needs her pal

She just needs  you and 

No other

 

Finding Kimberly

My life reminds me of a backed up toilet, nothing but shit. I was going to take my daughter away for Christmas but there is no way I can do that. The cartillage on my ribs has been broken up, like when you give cpr you have to push so hard that you break up the cartillage to get movement to the heart and lungs.

I am not able to pick up a gallon of milk so there is no way I am going to enjoy a vacation. I like to be home when I am sick and not feeling well because that is where I get my comfort from. I just spoke to a friend of mine in Nigeria and I think I am going to shoot for a trip there in Feb. or March.

For me it will be like going home in many ways and I do not care that the country is poor and third world. I think it would do me good to see the world as it really is. I just need a break so desperately and I am going to do things for myself for a change. It’s time to start the bucket list and 2013 is the beginning of life for me.

My son will be gone for many months if not the next year or two and that is just the way it has to be. I cannot get involved with anyone until this mess is straightened out with Ryan. “C” doesn’t want me to be alone on Christmas and he keeps trying to plan things but I keep turning him down.

He told me if I keep saying no to him he will find someone who will say yes. He put it quite differently of course but that was the basis of the conversation. I can’t blame him because holidays are always fun when spent with the right people. I am obviously not the right person or maybe it’s just not the right time.

Tolerance Of Pain

How much pain can you tolerate? Myself, I am a certified wimp because I cannot tolerate too much physical pain. My dad could tolerate pain like no one I have ever seen, his tolerance was off the charts and I am glad because he didn’t suffer for terribly long before he passed.

I went to an urgent care last night because I was in so much, that is not me because I hate hospitals, everyone I know goes in and most have not walked out. The cartilage attached to my ribs is damaged and it hurts to breathe but I have force myself to take deep breaths so I do not get pneumonia.

I can’t drive so Katie and Kathy are going to have to pick me up and take me to sign Ryan into the hospital. There will be no Christmas and I will not be talking to my son for a very long time. I can’t wrap my mind around what he did to me but I do know that childhood abuse flashbacks haunt me.

I would never hit anyone unless protecting myself and I do not even believe in slapping anyone for doing or saying something out of line. Physical abuse is humiliating and degrading and to tolerate it is to be a damn fool and I will not allow anyone to hurt me and stay in my life.

Yes, this is my son but I am also entitled to basic human rights and protection and even though he is sick I have to protect myself from him. It hurts so bad that he did this, he has really hurt me emotionally and I sit and cry out of pain and frustration and there is no way to turn back the hands of time.

 

Habit Chat

I am a people watcher and I notice all their little idiosyncrasies and habits. It seems as if everyone has a “thing” they do that most people do not. We take out our impatience, frustration and annoyance hidden as best as possible by doing our “tics”. I have a “thing” I do when I get upset or nervous, I pick at my cuticles.

I went to cosmetology school and I know how to give a manicure but I never take the time to give myself one so my cuticles are always in need of maintenance. My daughter slaps my hands when I do this because it annoys her, lol. It’s funny how we are unaware of our actions and how we do the same thing when dealing with the same kind of situation.

I know someone who bites his bottom lip when he is nervous he rakes his teeth over his bottom lip. You can pretend to be someone else but those little habits always give you away to those that know you. People display nervousness different ways and some people have some real funny habits, including myself.

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Stix/Stones

“C” thinks I am the best thing that hit his path since his mama’s manudo. I told him I was going to start walking because I wanted to lose this weight. He said he liked me just the way I was and he didn’t want me to change for him. WTF? I want to make changes for myself and I told him so.

I have to be careful or I will end up a diabetic like most of my family and I surely do not want that. “C” asked me if I would like to “hand out” in Cabo San Luis for the Christmas holidays. I told him sure I would and I thought it was a great idea but he was really let down when I told him thank you but no thank you.

He keeps saying “we would have a great time” and I believe him but we havent been physical and once I make that move it’s permanent as far as I am concerned. Permanent is my committment to exclusivity and if I give you that than you never need worry about me straying, nope I would put on my big girl Tuesday yellow panties and walk out the door first.

I like “C” a lot but he has done some things that threw up the warning flags and then there is Mr. Hockey, great guy, tons of fun but to immature. Then we have “him”, he is pissed and the only way he can show is to get me to add him as a friend on my fb and turn around and get his buddies or his slew of identity’s and insult me.

Listen hon, you are stooping kind of low don’t you think? Do you actually think I give a rats ass about anyone’s opinion? Do you think I am insecure regarding my weight? O ya and those jugs that might smother you-don’t worry that will NEVER happen, honey boo boo kitty.

“C” finds me quite attractive even if you don’t and I don’t care for your opinion because it’s like an asshole, everyone has one and I will squeeze your head if I want any of your shit, got it? GOOD now be a good spoiled rf man and roll down the highway in your pretty little vet.

The Cuddle

Have you ever just wanted to cuddle with someone? Just lie together and feel each other’s heart beating? Have you ever wanted to just lie naked and uncovered? Have you ever just wanted to feel someone’s body, all the curves and bumps, imperfections and damaged parts?

Have you ever been in need of such body worship? Have you ever suffered such physical pain that all you wanted was someone to hold you and tell you the biggest lie of all “it will be ok”?  Have you ever wanted to place your naked knee near your lovers groin and have your arm across their chest?

That’s all I want, just a few hours of comforting moments, no words need to be spoken. All I want is to feel safe because safety alludes me. Sleep comes in waves and nightmares come instead of dreams as I fear the night as much as the daylight. Where was my angel when I was being beaten?

Angel? Who brought up angels? I did, silly goose because my guardian angel made it possible for me to get away. James was supposed to have gone out but he changed his mind, that is where my angel began his work-by the use of James. Yes, I am crazy-crazy as the blue footed boobie but that is me, love me or leave me.Now that I am in so much pain I do believe “he” should get some massage oil and take care of this girl but you know what? He would rather fart in his jeans and light it on fire. I want to sit and watch him take off his jeans and then light one on fire, now that would be one hot ass.

Ready, Set…….

As most people know the end of the world is coming this month and I just know all of you have packed up your emotional luggage and you have rebuilt all the bridges you  burned because you do not want to feel guilty in the end. I have no doubt you are cherishing every second of your life and those you love.

Yes, I have faith in human nature and the desire to have a “clean slate” when we leave this earth. Let me tell you a little secret, THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO END THIS MONTH. I know it’s terrible for me to go against what has been pushed out their for a very long time.

I do want to be of service to anyone that feels the end is near, please feel free to leave all of your worldly possessions to me upon your demise and I will definitely see that all of your possessions and money go to the right places. Now that is the best I have to offer because when you are gone, I plan on still being here.

Eyes Forgetfull

When I meet someone or look at their picture the first thing I notice is their eyes. A person says so much through the eyes without even knowing it. I can see so much in the way a person looks at me or another, I can see what they are really thinking when their mouth moves with falsified truth.

The eyes are truly the windows of the soul and that is one reason I wear sunglasses. No one needs to know what is going on inside me and besides, they would either disapprove or be totally dazzled. “C” has beautiful eyes and I can see what he has on his back burner all the time.

He is something else because he keeps coming back even though I tell him not to. We have finally agreed to disagree regarding gifts, he likes buying and I think he likes that I don’t take them as well. It’s as if he is deliberately punishing himself, men lol I will never fully understand them.

The one thing I do know about men is they are all little boys deep inside and of course they all like blow jobs. I dated a guy from Italy, I mean right off the boat. The gaudy gold bracelets and necklaces and rings, he always left his shirt unbuttoned half way down so the girls could see he was related to big foot.

He drove a thunderbird and he had horns added so when he came to pick me up it sounded like a damn symphony of cars outside honking like fools. He loved to buy me jewelry and we would go to Canada to pick up fresh snails and a blue and white box of candy. He loved to go to the club but he was so possessive he had to go. He was constantly touching me and kissing me in public which really bothers me.

I do not like to make out with a bunch of people watching me, that is of course unless I am involved in a massive orgy, ya every Monday and Thursday, lol. He was a nice guy but lousy in between the sheets and I hated all the hair he left in my bed. It’s one of those things that turns me off, like a sink full of hair and whiskers.

When I finally put him back in the sea I had to move in the middle of the night so he couldn’t find me. He would call me crying and begging me to work things out with him. It wasn’t there no matter what he said or did, the feelings just weren’t there and I couldn’t force them.

He just wasn’t for me, too short, too hairy, too jealous, hell I think he was just too much Italian for me, no he was just to controlling.

Counter Weight

Everyone needs balance in their life and I am no exception. I need balance in my life and someone who can bring the weight needed to keep be level headed. I let my emotions rule me to often but that is changing day by day. It is so hard to find someone who compliments your life.

People can never leave well enough alone and they are always trying to “improve” on the one they love. Change is always in the air but when someone wants to change you to fit into their world like a perfect orchid there lies the problem that will dissolve a relationship quicker then acid.

I don’t need to change anything about me unless I want to change to suit others, which will never happen. ………….