He Wakes

He hates to sleep for fear of missing one of my posts. He wakes and throws back the covers so he can pee and jump into the shower and then onto his ipad. He is checking my posts and reading them twice, what does he want to read so badly? What is he looking for between the lines?

If he wanted her he could be with her but she is slipping away and he cannot stop her. It’s not for a lack of feelings, it’s for a lack of action on his part. She has waited for him but she can no longer wait because life is moving to fast and sweeping her away. Maybe she is being swept into the lane of happiness without him.

M T Arms

My arms are empty and my heart is so sad, the pain is a constant reminder of how lonely life can be. All I want to do is lie in the safety of his arms and the feeling of being protected allows me to sleep finally. I so want to be held and made to feel safe but that isn’t forth coming as usual.

It hurts when you have to let go of something or someone you care for but we have to make tough decisions everyday. I have to let go of someone if I am to find any happiness in life. Holding on to air is what I have been doing and I have to let go because holding on is what is holding me back.

I refuse to let myself be caught up emotionally with someone who is just a dream, someone who I hang on to because they help get me through each day. I am comfortable with him and I actually trust him, now that is stupid of me and I have to cut him out of my life for good.

Win Doe Pain

I have been trying to rest today but it has been so hard because of this pain. I have been popping tylenol 3’s but they are like tits on a bull, basically useless. Ryan is now signed into a  full time facility and he won’t be coming home anytime soon. I am just so disgusted with him because he kicked me and used a damn cage to hit me, at least be a man and use your fists.

I will ups him some clothes but I have no plans of seeing him anytime soon. I know that I will not see him before I heal that is for sure and it’s hard for me not to be angry and cold. I have a real thing about being hit and especially from my own child. Mind refuses to wrap around this entire situation, mind rejects so much at this time, mind is very hurt and confused.

I can’t get anything done and that pisses me off, I want to get this house in order and get it on the market. I am ready to move on with my life and leaving this mausoleum behind is what I need to do. I don’t want memories and reminders and since my son assaulted me in this house, I want to sell it even faster.

I need some serious TLC and I could have it if I let “C” close to me but something just doesn’t smell right, something just doesn’t feel right, something is wrong, very wrong and I do not know what it is.  I like spending time with him and he’s fun and all but something is missing and I haven’t had time to figure out what it is.

Self Doubt

I’m pretty solid when it comes to knowing who I am, basically. I am not affected by insults or compliments and I am pretty steadfast in the belief of my inner self. There is this individual who tries to tear down my self esteem by insulting me on facebook. I find this to be so childish and pisses me off. 

Why stoop so low to insults? Why be an ass instead of a man? Why be hateful when you should have learned long ago you can catch more bees with honey than you can vinegar. What is it you are trying to prove? Please do not tell me you lack the confidence to meet someone like me. Don’t tell me you are to shy when we both know you look at my pics and the front of your pants start to do an exotic dance of it’s own.

You know what my responsibilities are and I do not ask for you to help me carry my heavy load, all I ask is you be there for me as a friend, as a confident, as possibly a lover in time. Can you do this? Are you capable of helping me when I need it the most or are you going to hide in the bushes and try to destroy my self esteem so I fall back on you.

Sometimes, you outsmart yourself and do some really stupid shit, as all of us do but here is your opportunity to make up for past hurts, past everything, I want to start fresh, start new but I do not think you are capable of doing that. I think you are just to damn afraid to step up to the plate. You are afraid I will eat you for dinner you chicken, bok, bok bok flap, flap

U Don’t Know

You read every word and you occasionally sit back and laugh because we are friends, as wacky as that sounds we are friends. You make me laugh and you make me cry, you make me so mad but I still come back for more. You think you know me so well and that I have become somewhat predictable but you are so very wrong.

Picture-7

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3RKMuyG_G4&feature=fvst

I hope you do not let me walk away but if you do I will always pray for you and wish upon you the best of the best, because that is the way you like it. My only wish is that I may see your smile in person, the brightness of your eyes and the way you bite your bottom lip when you are nervous. I need this and have to have this.

This make one simple dream of mine come true-just me and you walking down the strip and I get a vanilla ice cream cone and smash it into your face, then I want to lick it all off of you-lets share some ice cream in the next month, ok?

Find My Way

As you read my blog what crosses your mind? A woman born under a black cloud? A lost soul, sad and lonely woman? Someone you would never want to be involved with? What crosses your mind, honestly? Let me enlighten you about spirituality-it’s about having faith that things always are darkest before dawn and things will get better, it’s time controlled.

You may think I am fooling myself but it works for me and that is all that matters. Some people are the warriors of the castle and obviously this is what I am responsible for. Everyone has a purpose a “job” that is accomplished before they die and I have quite a few and have already seen my way through much.

I’m popping tylenol threes like candy because they are not helping with this terrible pain. My ribs “crunch” as I move and the pain shoots through me. I have dealt with so much emotional pain that it never occurred to me that I would experience physical pain as well, I cannot believe my son did this.

I have been through enough, don’t you agree? Sure you do so now it’s your turn to show your hand. No more lies, no more games, no more. I ask nothing of you but your time and if that is too precious to give to me then let’s call it a day. I am broken, I am a deeply broken woman, mother and protector. Please help me find my way because I am so lost…..

 

The Clocks Tic Toc

The time passes and every second is marked by a tic toc. I wonder if you know that it is time to show your colors-your heart. The clock has reached the time for the soulmating to begin. Time is running out and I want to know you before my time is up. I will never feel safe around my child again and that is like having a rug pulled from under my feet.

You do not know the constant fear I live in and you have no idea how scary each second of each day is for me. I have no safe place to hide, no arms to protect me, no one to hold me so I do not crumble to the floor. I am not looking for a lover, yes I am very sexual and I have my fantasies but I have no desire to pursue my sexual desires at this time.

I am in need of my friend, the man who has been there and the only person who knows me, or at least what I have become in the last four years. You have been part of the loss of my family and you have been part of every tear shed. I am reaching both arms out to you and asking you please, hold me-just hold me please.

Do I need to suffer some more before I become “worthy” of your hugs? What is it going to take before you realize time tics away and I could be gone today, all of us could be gone today. I want to meet you in Vegas because what goes on in vegas stays in vegas unless you are royalty. I would like to laugh with you and smile, play silly and just be ourselves and have some fun without anyone else, just us. I would like to share a sunset at the Grand Canyon with you, that is what I want now what is it you want?

What If

What if you had the ability to make your dreams come true, which one would you pick first? Where would you begin? Would your list be extensive or would it be very short and precise? Does your dream consist of people or items, does it consist of love and freedom? What is your fondest dream, the one you keep coming back to?

My dream is so simple yet so difficult and its nothing more than having a friend that you can lie naked with and  there is sexual arousal but there is something more, something deeper, something angelic between the two of you. It’s a connection that comes from the heaven’s and it is so safe that harm is warned away like the devil.

The feeling is one only in my dreams and it is the softness of the clouds, the gentleness of the breeze, it is the freedom of the wind and the suns warmest rays. The feeling is like no other and I cannot put a name to it.  The feeling of total freedom and abandon of self and I wonder if you have to be in heaven to live that feeling everyday.

I do not believe I will have to wait for heavens gates to open for me because I have that feeling and so does he, in his dreams. One day we will be together and we will be the soul mates that come together, if only my prayers are answered.