Pity Up

Do you need your daily dose of literary stimuli? Do you need to remind yourself how fucking lucky your life has been? Do you get off on seeing my downward spiral? You could make life so much happier for me but you chose not to so what the fuck do you want from me? I am never going to fuck you, got that?

If I had any sense at all I would fuck “C” and get on with life but I will not stoop so low as to fuck someone to get someone else off my mind. That is your style not mine but I have half a mind to do it just to rub it into your pretty goatee. You and I both know you do not deserve someone like myself and you will never be with me, not even to share a glass of wine.

You have become an impacted molar tooth and I will cut you out of my life once and for all, so next time to get hooked on one of my words such as toodles, remember this old woman taught you something new, you fuck.

Purple Mark

You have once again left your mark on my yahoo mail account, changing the color to purple, your signature color. Do you actually think I would use my regular email for important emails I do not want you to read? Yes, just like you I have a shitload of emails and persona’s and yes I have learned to play the game just as good if not better than you.

You see I have watched all of your mistakes and do not make the same ones you have. You’re mister wonderful remember? You don’t need to amuse yourself with the likes of my life. Haven’t you figured out yet that you cannot repair me, you cannot fix what is wrong in my life and you do nothing more than add to the hurt.

I am trying to find my way and all you do is think of what you want or fantasize about what you would like. “C” and I are getting on nicely even though something still smells rotten in Denmark. There is no sexual desire on my part which isn’t normal for me but I will not let you keep being my restrictor plate.

You do not want me with anyone, you do not want me to be in another’s bed and you seem to get off on reading about my fucked up life. I have had to walk away from my own child to protect myself because you offer no shelter from the storm. We will never be “we” and it’s time for you to let go.

Go fuck your latest and enjoy yourself drinking expensive Champaign and eating caviar, this is your lifestyle not mine and we have nothing that will grow and mature so cut your fucking losses and move on mr. wonderful.

So Wet

I woke up covered in sweat again and I had to take a towel and wipe the sweat from under my boobs. I keep going from sweating to chills so I am not sure if this is the flu again or what it could be from. I haven’t slept well since Ryan hit me and it sux to wake up scared.

I spoke with the hospital and they want to know if I want to be involved with Ryan’s placement once he is out of the hospital and I had to say “no”. It’s the only way he will get the help he needs is to live in a residential facility for kids with problems like Ryan.

I have no plans on visiting him or being part of his recovery because I am part of my own recovery at present. The pain he has caused me is so much deeper than broken bones and bruises. Since Bob died Ryan has gone down hill and I have no doubt the loss of his dad is key to his problems.

Ryan lost more than a father and he lost more than a loving family, Ryan is a lost little boy who cannot fill the void in his heart. I cannot fill it for him and I cannot make it all better. I broke down and just cried for over an hour last night thinking about Bob.

I miss him because he made Christmas, I hate wrapping presents and he always did such a nice job. He made sure the tree was up and decorated and Christmas used to be so pretty in the house. I used to make cheesecake at Christmas and fruit cake, cookies and homemade fudge.

There is none of that this year and I don’t know if Christmas will ever be fun and exciting again. I took a wreath out to our grave site and I just cry when I think of the kids without their dad. I miss Bob because I could talk to him about things that disrupt my life.

We were not a good husband and wife combination but we were great friends and that is what kept us together. We cared about each other and we were there for each other. I do not know if I will ever have another relationship like that but I hope and pray that one day, maybe one day I will smile through my eyes again.

 

Come On Baby…..

What is it you want from me? What is it I give to you? My life is an open book and you know how messed up it is so why are you so interested in it? Go on, find someone and if you are with someone forget me, please do it for yourself. I do not fit into your world and you do not fit into mine.

It’s been a nice fantasy but I have finally awoke and you must too. I don’t want to hurt you I really don’t but I have to cut my losses and go. Why won’t you let me go, we both know you don’t want me I am nothing but a sexual fantasy to you. Let go of me and live your life.

Sneak And Peek

Why do you hack my computer? What do youWhy do you hack my computer? What do you want from me? I have nothing to give to you or to anyone so why do you continue with this sherade? Nice shade of purple you changed my yahoo account to but haven’t you noticed I have been deleting you on my fb? want from me? I have nothing to give to you or to anyone so why do you continue with this game you play? Nice shade of purple you changed my yahoo account to but haven’t you noticed I have been deleting you on my fb?

I haven’t been on my fb because I have been busy with my own life and “C” and I have been hanging out and living. I cannot wait for you any longer and I have made myself quite clear, or so I thought. I do not want to hurt you but there is nothing between us, now is there?

I tried to wait but forever is just to long for me and I have moved on. I’m seeing a nice guy and I enjoy our time together and as far as eroticfantasylife.com what you read isn’t about him and it isn’t about you. I write about my wants and needs and I write for myself not you.

You assume my fantasies are all about you but you are wrong, I have fantasies about someone I have never met and sometimes my fantasies are about someone from my past.You think to highly of yourself at times and then other times you have not an ounce of security.

I will  always care for you but that is as far as I can let it go….

No Blinking No Fir

There is not a single christmas light up anywhere in my house, there is no fir-tree in the great room. There is no Christmas in this house and it’s also devoid of love. I really hate this house and all it represents to me and I cannot wait to sell it and get out of here.

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I have told my daughter that I would like to see her for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve and I wanted her to enjoy her holidays. I am not in the festive mood at all and I do not want her to go without because of me. I want her to wake up to a tree with a bunch of presents under it.

I don’t mind being alone on Christmas because it’s a healing time for me. My dad is gone and this is the second Christmas that Bob has been gone. My son is gone as well and there is a hearing for placement for him when he gets out of the hospital. I cannot take him back for a very long time if at all.

He is my son but what he did to me was so violating that it is personal to me. He has opened up a very ugly wound and to hit me, that has really done something to me emotionally. I am torn between being the mother I am and the mother I have to be for my own salvation.

As soon as I find out what’s up with this next court date then I can make the plans to the place I have wanted to go to for so long. I am putting time aside for myself and I am going to continue to do what is best for me and I do not feel guilty.