Reverse Racism

Living in the metro Detroit area I fall under Wayne County and Wayne County is a very poor, welfare, drugs, killers and the black community. I am not prejudice but I cannot tolerate only so much crap from the “You owe me because I’m black” attitude. CPS employes mostly people of color because, well they do.

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I just received a subpoena to go to court in Jan over my son, the worker that wrote up the complaint was black and of course she had to pull the “I’m gonna make this white bitch pay”. She said in the court order that I refused to do parental counseling or take classes, this little 23 year old bitch is going to tell the courts these lies?

I want to reach across a table and slap the black right out of her. Hey, maybe somewhere along the line my relative owned your relative and probably boned her and had a few little chaps, who knows? But guess what you silly bitch, I worked side by side your grandmother and I ate lunch with her, we rode into work together, we went to each other’s family’s funerals, we were friends you little bitch, we were great friends until she got killed.

I have to go to court and defend myself against these allegations and I am not about it, she painted me to be an uncaring, selfish mother and that is so far from the truth. I have practically given my life for my son and this twit is going to try to hurt me? She is so lucky that I take meds and smoke weed because I swear I could hurt a bitch.

 

Gun Control?

I am all for guns and the right to bare arms but why are assault weapons readily available? Why have sales soared? People love killing people these days and in Detroit it is a way of life to own an assault rifle among the youth and beyond, the bid D is a place to kill or be killed if you are in the wrong area or wrong place wrong time.

I would like to know what an assault rifles purpose is, is it to kill elephants? giraffes? deer? lol no  way, I can shoot a deer with a rifle I don’t need an assault rifle either, in fact a real hunter doesn’t use a gun they use a bow and arrow. There is no reason for anyone to carry an assault rifle on the streets, none at all.

Don’t like my point of view? To  bad because I don’t give a rats buttocks what you think, all I know is when the removal of God from the schools and discipline from home was taken away that was the beginning of a downward spiral for our nation.  I am old fashioned and will always be that way and as a parent I know the pain of having a mentally ill child and what it does to you as a mother.

If my son would have been able to reach the knives he would have stabbed me to death and I have no doubt that the number of times he would have stabbed me would not have been countable. My son was in a frame of mind that was black, dark and deeply disturbing, he was in a rage like I have never seen and I just looked at him like wtf? 

I do not fear my son nor did I fear him when he was attempting to kill me, odd wouldn’t you say because people fear death but I do not. Death to me is just another step of transformation and death is where my family is so I fear not dieing as it will bring me back to my family.

I prefer to die the way I am supposed to and it wasn’t by the hand of my child but I can so totally relate to the mother of the shooter and her personal pain. Once you turn 18 you have to go through the court system to get someone committed and it isn’t easy either because the mentally ill person is entitled to an attorney and the attorney fights for them regardless.

I went through this so many years ago when I had to have my brother committed, his attorney told me I was out of line and I told his attorney if I was so out of line then he could take my brother home with him and see if he doesn’t find my brother pouring anti freeze into pop or putting something in his toothpaste.

I was not kind and in no uncertain terms made it clear that I loved my brother and that is why I was fighting to get him help. I am fighting for my son now but from a distance. May God or whom ever your higher power may , protect  you and guide you throughout your life and protect your family, because when you do not feel safe, you have nothing believe me I know.

Parent Kill

It was a tragedy what happened to all those children but what is even more tragic is the killer’s state of mind. My son attempted to kill me last week so I know the fear, I know the pain and I know it’s time to get the mental health community beefed up again. All the cuts and funding are gone and that has led us to where we are at today.

The mother of the killer lives with more pain than you can imagine and she feels the blood on her hands of each and every child murdered. A mother carries all of their child’s wrongs and we feel responsible even though we do all that we can. I have been trying for 1 1/2 years to get Ryan help and it has reached the point of almost losing my life.

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I didn’t make this up, it happened and I am reminded every minute of every day what he did to me. I was so fucking mad when I was on the ground that I told him “if you are going to kill me, be a man use your hands not a cage and kicking me”. I really wasn’t concerned with death and do not fear it but it showed me how deeply disturbed Ryan is.

I am beginning to think that Ryan totally lost himself in the anger towards his dad and I think he may have thought that I was Bob. He has a terrible amount of anger from being ignored by Bob and I don’t blame him. Ryan has a history of mental illness and it could have been my son that killed those children.

I have tried to figure this thing out but you cannot figure out what makes people hurt so much they act out. I am not a perfect mother but I never favored either child, beat both of their asses when they were small, I was the disciplinarian and Bob was always Mr. fucking perfect dad, not.

He never did a single thing with my son and I do not know how to be a father to him even though I have made a feeble attempt. The U.S. has taken away parents rights and you wonder why we are in the state that we are in? Children need discipline and thrive on it, no they don’t need to be beat black and blue but a good ass whoopin never hurt anyone, in fact I think it builds a certain amount of character and self respect.

I am not a parent of a murdered child but I am the mother of a child who could easily become a murderer. This ways heavily on my mind and breaks my heart but I am doing all I can to save myself and my son. I cannot imagine the pain Ry feels but it is best that we are distant for quite some time.

I do not know if I will ever be able to face my son again and I do not know if I even want to. The physical abuse is too much for me to handle, I seriously cannot deal with being hurt, not by my son or anyone. When you are raised in an environment of abuse when you become an adult you do not tolerate it and the thought angers you.

My friend Glenna stopped by the other day and wanted me to fly my mom up from Florida and she could live with Glenna. I asked her if she was fucking crazy because she was ill and definitely could not handle the abuse my mother hands out. She is no longer able to physically abuse but she still loves to mentally stomp on people.

I have my own set of problems and my mother, well the bitch is where she is supposed to be and I do not feel an ounce of pity for her. Bob and I helped my mother so many times but she is nothing but a taker and wants someone to support her. The day my brother turned 18 and the last child support check was issued she packed up and tried to catch her a Florida man.

She pitched her kids for a man and he pitched her, life is a full circle. She was always jealous of Bob because I finally grew balls and stood up to her because of him. She used to intimidate way into my forties but Bob helped me become my own woman. Ya, he did a few good things, sometimes I was actually proud of him.

I need a man I can be proud of, not for who he is but for who is inside. Being proud of someone can come from a simple act of kindness, something as simple as picking up an item that has fallen from someone elses hands. Bob was a kind man but just not a man who fit snugly into my world.

I am so damn mad when I look at my son and see what Bob did or should I say didn’t do. I found a book I purchased, boys puberty and I wanted Bob to go over it with Ry when he was a young boy but of course Bob hated to read and I do not have a boy’s body and do not know how to teach a boy about puberty.

I talked to Ryan about masturbation, sex, love ect. but that was Bob’s place because he was a man. How the hell do you teach the opposite sex about their bodies? Try as I may I cannot fill Bob’s shoes and never will be able to but I gave it a go and failed miserably. I do not think that Ryan and I will be together again, I do not believe I can live with my son after the “incident”.

Eagles Fly

Bob and I were sitting on the back porch one day and we were watching a pigeon flying aimlessly. out of nowhere came an eagle and snatched the pigeon out of mid flight. Yes, the eagle picked the pigeon clean leaving nothing but feathers. The biggest fear I have ever had is getting shit on by a bird, lol not attacked.

You would never think certain things would happen but here is proof, you children are never safe!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-qLspF01KI

Tail Pull

Michael and Gabriel are a grin for sure and Khloe is a bit of a nut herself. Michael is the leader and he is more “out there” than Gabriel, Michael is a lover and always loves to give kisses. Gabriel is the shy one, the one that does the unexpected, the one that gets into trouble all on his own.

These two get running around the house and then Miss Khloe joins in and it’s like a racetrack. I sit on the couch and watch them as they chase each other from the great room into the kitchen and then I can hear them running down the hallway and back into the great room and they always seem to have something to fight over.

Gabriel is smaller than Michael and sometimes Michael tries to boss Gabriel around, lol that doesn’t go to far with Gabriel. Gabriel may b smaller but believe me he can hold his own. They are a perfect set of boys, brothers, they are what makes me smile in the morning and they are always following me.

My kids keep me laughing and they help ease the pain and they love to play hide and seek, they keep me feeling loved, isn’t it crazy?

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Control

Everyone feels about control differently, some want it, some have to have it, some it is thrust upon and some run from it. Bob ran from it, he didn’t want to know anything about anything that way he would never be accountable. I on the other hand have always been a very single minded strong female and it appears that the men in my life have fed off of that.

I don’t want anymore “pussy’s” in my life, by pussy’s I mean men that feed off of me and that included my husband. I had it going on when I met him, my own home, 2 cars, 2 businesses, full time plus o.t., shit I had the world by the ass and then I did a stupid thing, I put out my ass because it had been a very long time since I had had sex before Bob.

Believe me he wouldn’t have been my first choice but sometimes we have to settle for what is available. I know that makes me sound like a slut but I hadn’t been with anyone for almost a year before we met, no I do not bed hop-I hand hop from right to left and back, I could teach a class on how to pleasure ones self and their partner.

Hell, that sounds like something that could fly in California, a lot of strange birds on that coast. Back to control miss scatter brain…ok…. talking to my self again, control is something that has been forced upon me because of responsibilities from early on. Need a wedding planned? A cake baked? A funeral planned? Gotcha covered, been there and done all of that and more.

I would so love to give up so much control and lighten my load but until the time there is someone who wants to carry that load I am stuck in control mode. People who are into control need to be able to trust someone to pick up the load for them at times as well, even the one who is a control freak likes a break now and then.

Give In

I have always been a scrapper and have always stood firmly on my beliefs. I am not one to give in unless it’s an aimless argument, then I give in for the sake of peace and quiet. I tend to intimidate people because the stronger I feel about a situation the louder I get and most people are fucking mice.

I am not a quitter but I do know when to cut my losses even if it does take me a long time to get with it. I was just looking down at my hands and realized I am getting old, my hands look frail and the veins are popping out and the skin is wrinkles, yes I am getting old and with age I am learning sometimes it’s just best to but down your arms and stand there.

I live inside the fantasy in my mind and “we” are happy and that is something I need to let go of. It’s as if I let go then I am giving into him and his whims. Ya, I feel like a whim at times but I know he could not live without me, not for a day, not for six hours, no he cannot live without me because it is fate.

He fights it why? Waiting for is gf to drop the kid? Engaged? Work? what is the truth? It’s not like I want to own him, just borrow him for a couple a days a month at least and at best maybe for a few more days in the month, that’s if I can fit him in. I think I just have to let the cards fall as they may and see what happens.

Fate, o you dirty bird you-fate cannot be hidden from or denied because no matter what, what will be will be and maybe we shall never meet but I do so hope I have helped him in some small way because he is what I have hung onto when I thought I was falling off the cliff.

I found my best friend in a faceless name, someone across the world unknown to me, but is he really unknown to me? No, I think not as he is my fate and destiny regardless if I were to choose otherwise. He can try as he may to replace me but he can’t and won’t because I am his fate and destiny.

So to sum it up, somebody has a tripwire around us and we are not getting away because fate has captured and destiny could be tomorrow.

Fate

I can feel the snowflakes landing on my eyelashes and I stick out my tongue in hopes of catching a few random ones. I am lit by the light pole in my yard as I open my arms and twirl embracing the cool night. I decided to take a walk and clear my head because I am a very confused person at this moment.

I push I pull I walk and turn and run back, my head feels like it’s been put in a blender but for some reason I still believe in fate. I belief everything happens for a reason and people come and go for a reason. It infuriates me that I cannot figure out why and it’s hard to accept the fact that it is not for me to know.

I get so angry and really pissed today and I finally realized why, I didn’t take any pain meds and every movement hurts. I took a bath and had my daily chat with”him”. I put on my other site for him to view when he is bored, which appears to be most of the time. I know he thinks Im just another pretty face and hot body but the truth is I can cook and bake as well, in fact cooking in the nude is so fun and maybe one day he will want to partner up but I doubt it.

I have been so damn mean and hateful and confused as well as hurt, this last week fucked up my head so bad I just can’t wrap my brain around it and I am lashing out in the dark because I do not know what else to do.Fate do you belief in fate? My kitchens open so let’s cook baby.