It was a tragedy what happened to all those children but what is even more tragic is the killer’s state of mind. My son attempted to kill me last week so I know the fear, I know the pain and I know it’s time to get the mental health community beefed up again. All the cuts and funding are gone and that has led us to where we are at today.
The mother of the killer lives with more pain than you can imagine and she feels the blood on her hands of each and every child murdered. A mother carries all of their child’s wrongs and we feel responsible even though we do all that we can. I have been trying for 1 1/2 years to get Ryan help and it has reached the point of almost losing my life.
I didn’t make this up, it happened and I am reminded every minute of every day what he did to me. I was so fucking mad when I was on the ground that I told him “if you are going to kill me, be a man use your hands not a cage and kicking me”. I really wasn’t concerned with death and do not fear it but it showed me how deeply disturbed Ryan is.
I am beginning to think that Ryan totally lost himself in the anger towards his dad and I think he may have thought that I was Bob. He has a terrible amount of anger from being ignored by Bob and I don’t blame him. Ryan has a history of mental illness and it could have been my son that killed those children.
I have tried to figure this thing out but you cannot figure out what makes people hurt so much they act out. I am not a perfect mother but I never favored either child, beat both of their asses when they were small, I was the disciplinarian and Bob was always Mr. fucking perfect dad, not.
He never did a single thing with my son and I do not know how to be a father to him even though I have made a feeble attempt. The U.S. has taken away parents rights and you wonder why we are in the state that we are in? Children need discipline and thrive on it, no they don’t need to be beat black and blue but a good ass whoopin never hurt anyone, in fact I think it builds a certain amount of character and self respect.
I am not a parent of a murdered child but I am the mother of a child who could easily become a murderer. This ways heavily on my mind and breaks my heart but I am doing all I can to save myself and my son. I cannot imagine the pain Ry feels but it is best that we are distant for quite some time.
I do not know if I will ever be able to face my son again and I do not know if I even want to. The physical abuse is too much for me to handle, I seriously cannot deal with being hurt, not by my son or anyone. When you are raised in an environment of abuse when you become an adult you do not tolerate it and the thought angers you.
My friend Glenna stopped by the other day and wanted me to fly my mom up from Florida and she could live with Glenna. I asked her if she was fucking crazy because she was ill and definitely could not handle the abuse my mother hands out. She is no longer able to physically abuse but she still loves to mentally stomp on people.
I have my own set of problems and my mother, well the bitch is where she is supposed to be and I do not feel an ounce of pity for her. Bob and I helped my mother so many times but she is nothing but a taker and wants someone to support her. The day my brother turned 18 and the last child support check was issued she packed up and tried to catch her a Florida man.
She pitched her kids for a man and he pitched her, life is a full circle. She was always jealous of Bob because I finally grew balls and stood up to her because of him. She used to intimidate way into my forties but Bob helped me become my own woman. Ya, he did a few good things, sometimes I was actually proud of him.
I need a man I can be proud of, not for who he is but for who is inside. Being proud of someone can come from a simple act of kindness, something as simple as picking up an item that has fallen from someone elses hands. Bob was a kind man but just not a man who fit snugly into my world.
I am so damn mad when I look at my son and see what Bob did or should I say didn’t do. I found a book I purchased, boys puberty and I wanted Bob to go over it with Ry when he was a young boy but of course Bob hated to read and I do not have a boy’s body and do not know how to teach a boy about puberty.
I talked to Ryan about masturbation, sex, love ect. but that was Bob’s place because he was a man. How the hell do you teach the opposite sex about their bodies? Try as I may I cannot fill Bob’s shoes and never will be able to but I gave it a go and failed miserably. I do not think that Ryan and I will be together again, I do not believe I can live with my son after the “incident”.