Alrighty Then

It doesn’t take much to give me a tickle and I just got tickled, lol. I have been selling big Rick’s videos and I just sold a john wane collection of 4 vids that cost 23.00 for 75.00 bucks, lmao. It’s things like this that make me laugh and shake my head.

There is no way I can even go further with We Ambay because I do not have the help needed to take care of my own shit and I help out big Rick because he is always there for me. I have a very difficult time letting my feelings out to big Rick because he makes me feel like I am so strong and can handle it.

I have broken down in front of Rick and he knows I am fighting the good fight but I stumble and I do fall. Ryan had to be restrained today because he went ballistic on a kid he told to stay away from him. Ryan has learned he intimidates people with his size and he is finally learning that he is as strong as a bull.

It takes at least grown men to hold Ry down and he was talking to girls and he may have been showing off or this was his “time with the ladies” and no one was going to steal his thunder. I talked to Katie, his cps worker and she told me Ry asked if she was going to visit him on Christmas, he knows I am not coming.

This is killing me and not seeing my son on Christmas is destroying me. I am learning I have to make hard decisions and stick to them for the protection of self. This is pure hell and my heart, o my heart aches so much and I feel, o hell I don’t know what I feel  any longer.

Rain

It’s raining and the boys have never experienced rain before and it is comical watching them go tinkle and run back inside. They are what make me smile these days and they love me unconditionally. They don’t care that I have baggage physically and emotionally and they don’t care if I am rich or poor, they love me for me and I want a man like that one day.

I love the sound of the rain and opening the window and listening to it hit the seal or ground is so soothing to me. I will take a bath shortly and then jump into bed because I am like that. lol I love lieing in bed listening to the rain and I really like lieing between a man’s legs with my head on  his lower abs.

I feel like I am in a man’s “center” when I am lieing between his legs and it has nothing to do with sexual activity or desire. It’s a comfort zone for me and it feels safe. It’s been so long since I have been with a man that I pity the man I finally lay with. It’s a damn good thing I kept Bob’s oxygen machine, lol.

When I finally do lie with a man it is going to be special because to hold out on sex for years is unheard of and when I unleash this panther she is going to tear up some ass I tell you. It will be a marathon and it’s going to be fun and filled with laughter. I want to spend like three days in bed.

I want to do everything in bed, eat, watch movies, net, play, laugh, joke, get silly and be romantic and it will happen, one day.

I must be feeling a bit better today because I got motivated enough to make cream of broccoli soup and homemade bacon and thyme croutons for garnish. I really like making food for people and I love to be creative and I enjoy giving dinner parties. We through a huge xmas party in 2001 and the food was awesome.

I definitely patted myself on the back for that one-we had 16 lbs. out shrimp, cooked, wrapped in bacon, beef tenderloin kabobs, chicken wings, tons of deserts and the food, wow the food looked fabulous and I was proud of myself. I am trying to get motivated to make cookies and fudge but I think that is pushing it for one day.

I did a stupid thing and picked up my pixma printer, very big and heavy and I ended up hurting my shoulder worse. I am not used to being unable to do the littlest things for myself and this is pissing me off. I get so frustrated I just sit and cry. I couldn’t cry for years and then about three years ago I turned into a wet dishrag.

I am not the kind that cries to get my way or during an argument, no I am the kind that busts her ass trying and when she can’t succeed she cries out of the frustration of it all. It takes me forever to do the smallest thing and it takes forever to get anything accomplished. It will be nice to get well and motivated again because this sux.

 

Holiday Hell

The holidays are hard for me because of the memories, that is all I have is memories and reminders. It’s hard to sit alone and think about the good times with fam and you know who will never walk that way again. This is a super tough year for me with the loss of Bob and my dad and it’s lonely and sad.

I look over at my dad’s kodak printer I got him last Christmas, ya I was lucky enough to at least get the printer back. Stupid bitch won’t give me his computer and she thinks that having her daughter delete files is going to keep the info from me. She is so damn stupid she doesn’t know it all can be brought back up.

People wonder why I am angry? Well let me see maybe the list just isnt long enough-Death, death, death more death, scammed, lied to, physically abused and that is just the tip of the list. So am I angry, of course I am but I am trying to defuse this anger because it is hurting me.

There is only one thing that can take away the anger, only one thing that would make me happy and feel better, only one thing that would change my world and my outlook but that one thing eludes me and hides like a cockroach in the daylight. One person that makes me smile is my friend Frankie.

I talked to him today and when I here his voice I can actually see the smile through his eyes. He is just a great person and I can’t wait to meet him and mouse. Eman is in Abuja, ya right and Frankie is in Lagos and my trip will be to Lagos because honestly I want to spend time with a friend, someone who can make my world shine for a week.

There is something about Frankie that is so attractive to me and I really like talking to him. It’s as if he is spiritual like myself and he feels my pain. I just like the guy and that is rare because I do not take to people who quickly but since the first time I heard his voice I knew there was something special about him.

I can’t wait to get off the plane and run into his arms for a huge hug and I can’t wait to get silly with him because he has the funniest laugh and I laugh when I hear him laugh. Those are the people I like to spend time with and those are the type of people who have something unspoken to offer.

Build Up

It’s been a rough time for me and I broke down again, life has been so hard and I am so tired but today I am trying to build myself up. Maybe I will make a video, take naughty pictures, anything that will make me feel good about myself. My mind is so jumbled and my emotions are all over but not in an aggressive way.

The only way I can describe how I feel is with a heart that is empty and at the bottom is black liquid with caps on it, like the waves of an ocean, except not pretty. Color is another way to express ourselves and black represents anger, the empty heart represents loss of love and it’s pretty easy to figure out how I have been feeling.

I have been dealt a hand that is difficult to describe and I am no doubt being tested. It isn’t strength that gets me through, it’s the grace of God. I really need a break through because even I cannot walk with such a heavy load.

Control Mind

Hypnosis is a powerful tool and you can control the mind of someone in as little as three days, “stockholm syndrome” is a perfect example. My grandfather was into hypnosis and he was very good at it, he was my step grandfather but the only one I really knew. My family does this thing, they marry and divorce and remarry so the family has always been splattered with multiple relatives.

My grandfather controlled my grandmother and my dad was so pissed about that. “Rex” hypnotized my grandmother into cooking food the way he liked it, dressed the way he liked and he even hypnotized her to become a huge football fan. He was very good and had the perfect voice for hypnosis.

I found a bunch of his books and notes and he took that shit serious. He was also a magician, a professional magician at one point in his life and he worked for greyhound and started the mystery tour trips which were a huge hit back then. I watched him levitate my grandmother and he stood up three swords under her, quite impressive to a kid.

He pulled more quarters out of my ears than I care to remember and he was just a different guy. He programmed my grandmother to remarry and to rely on a man who is why she remarried so quickly after he died. He neglected to hypnotize her to protect herself from abusive men.

Who in the fuck hits an 80 year old woman? The third husband did and I am glad he died within a year of their marriage. I cannot stand physical abuse and I have only slapped one person in my life, my son and even then I felt like shit but sometimes a bit of reality wakes up a person.

I am not a physical person and not once did I slap my husband or hit him, it’s from growing up the way I did. You either become what you were raised around or you reject it all together, I reject it. I am the total opposite of the way I was raised and it has come back to bite me over and over.

I give too much, help to many, love to hard and fight for those I love. I can be defiant one when someone tries to take away my freedom in any form. Bob pulled that shit on me and told me I couldn’t buy an rv, wrong answer because no one tells me how to spend money especially when I was working making damn good money.

You would think your spouse would know your favorite flowers, candy, type of movies, music ect. but Bob didn’t know any of that about me and almost eighteen years of marriage he finally got it that wild flowers were what I liked, good chocolate and chocolate with nuts, movies generally action and music is all.

Bob never listened to music and would always turn it down when he walked into the room. He never had anything to say but always turned down the music. I like music louder than most my age and I like the way music makes me feel, even in pain I am still dancing around the house naked.

You would think my husband would be turned on by this but he wasn’t. He never grabbed my ass or boobs, through me up on the counter and took some or even got food creative. Food is fun sexually it can be so funny as well and creativity is a must, I like to put food on a man’s body and eat it off.

Put a grape in someone’s belly button and kiss their body and then eat that grape, it is actually quite a turn on when done sensually. The way people eat food can be sensual as well, like eating lobster or crab legs you can make those foods so sensual and dipping the meat into the hot butter and lifting it to my lips and the butter dripping down my chin.

I like to take a piece of crab and run it over my tongue before I eat it because I like the unique feel of crab, the hug pieces of leg are so damn good. I am a bottom feeder lover, yes I like seafood a lot and have always wanted to go to Maine for fresh lobster and one day will.

I want to drive up the coast and check out the new england states and seafood is the best there. The one thing I would never even try is foi gras. Force feeding a duck to enlarge their liver for the kill is just cruel and I don’t like liver anyway. When I was a kid my grandmother would cook liver to the point that it was like shoe leather and I am so thankful that “Mitzy” our dog loved liver.

I got my ass whooped numerous times for not eating and wasting food but Mitzy was always happy when we had liver. My grandmother cooked on a cast iron wood burning stove until the new house was built. She would heat water and pour it into the bathtub that sat in the middle of the room.

My grandparents taught me to appreciate so much and I do not regret a single lesson I have learned from them. My grandmother built my core and she made me who I am today. My grandparents passed on their morals to me and that is one thing I do have is morals even though some may think I am a slut.

I am just a very sensual and sexual person that is comfortable with her body even though I give the dough boy a run for his butter.  I learned long ago that looks mean nothing if the person is beautiful inside and yes I am beautiful inside. Age takes away beautiful but age enhances the goodness inside of us as well.

Read Again….

I read the compatability but this water bearer has always messed me up, you want different? unique? over bearing? controlling? water baby bearer has it for ya. I don’t know what to think about this combination but it must work pretty damn well because the only man that I ever loved was an aquarius and he was but a boy.

 

 

http://christofersflow.hubpages.com/hub/Astrology—How-To-Get-Along—Scorpio-and-Aquarius

Cravings

It’s 1″30 in the morning and I am hungry, hungry for brussel sprouts lol weird huh? Lately I have been craving green veggies and fruits and I love tangerines but I am not paying the rediculous prices. I got some kale and going to make kale chips, kale is very good for us as is greens.

I used to love red meat but have lost my taste for it, an occasional steak or burger is good but that’s about it. I seem to eat a lot of chicken and fruits and veggies but can’t lose a damn lb. I have got to start working out or at least walking and I need to go swimming as well so I will go sign up after surgery and use the cost of the gym as a medical expense, not some dumb here after all.

I should do what some of those women do in the pool, pretend they don’t know how to swim and some guy will help them, lol bitches are sneaky now aren’t they? I am an excellent swimmer and love water and I can’t act anyway, what you see isn’t always what you get but you can bet you will never see fake.

Ya I am the person you meet and cannot believe such a person exists because I cherish old school. I would give you the shirt off my back and even let you massage my boobs if you are so inclined, lol. I have gotten myself into another situation by taking in James but I must say he has helped me.

He’s a good boy and I need him to testify for me so ya I have an ulterior motive but he is going to have shape up or ship out and grow up and be responsible but boys don’t become men until when? Like 100??? Once I get myself healed in about six months I will be able to kick into gear because I want this house on the market by summer at the latest and I am selling the rv, suing the website jerk, going to sue the fucking cops and anybody I can sue.

I want to put them through hell like they have done to me and I want them to pay for my suffering and they will. As far as the money, I will have plenty to take care of myself and not become a burden to anyone. The kids are going to need things and I have no doubt I will be a godmother to many more before I die.

 

 

Stars and Moon

I follow astrology and use it as a guide only, astrology requires so much knowledge and a sun sign tells a basic about a person. Their rising sign is actually more important and their moon sign tells how they are emotionally. I have Scorpio Sun, Sagittarius rising and pisces moon, this is just a lovely mix of confusion for most people.

People have a difficult time understanding me until they get to know me, which takes a very long time. The few friends I hold dear have been around like forever and they understand me. I think like a man have the emotions of a vagina and sexual desires of a nympho, sexual activity is in the negative and has been for years, my lover is my hand and I do lover her, lol.

I am just letting my joke of a personal life just do it’s own thing because it does anyway and that is that. I have been trying to control a situation I have no control over and not being able to have my share of control makes me fight even harder. It’s stupid and wasted energy and the story goes like this….

He knows how I feel or does he? I love him, not in love with him because that takes like a face to face a few times and then if he is a lousy lay well hell there goes the relationship. I have to look at this logically and if he wanted to be with me he would, he doesn’t and he isn’t so there you have it.

Thanx dad for sitting in on this one- I do not want to get married in the legal sense and I frankly do not want to give up my freedom, it’s not like I have a life anyway. I don’t want anyone dealing with my son’s situation because no one can and it is best not to let any man meet Ryan for the next year at best.

My daughter called me tonight and she was telling me I need to get a life, a man, have fun and she even told me to get laid, lol now that’s my Shelby girl. I used to call her BooBoo and still do and I call her Shelby girl because when my southern grandmother got mad at me she would always say ” listen girl” lol.

She is right and I figure fate will do it’s thing again and “C” was kind of a different way to enter the dating scene again. Haven’t heard from him but Mr. Hockey keeps calling but that boy is just to young for me, I just cannot do anyone under 40 no matter how sweet his little ass looks and o ya I would like to sample it but then I would feel like a child molester.

He is fun but he is young and acts young and I do not feel like being a teacher to him. We went out to dinner at the restaurant of my choice of course and he didnt know what the tongs were for when they brought the escargot. I showed him but roflmao he didn’t fair so well.

He was like in a movie, holding the shell and digging it with the fork and it flings across the restaurant, I died laughing and couldn’t stop, he got pissed, lol. He didn’t know what veal was or what chic peas were, definitely not a foodie and he had the most annoying habit of holding his fork like a shovel and shoveling it in like it was his last meal.

I am a huge foodie and love food but can’t eat much and the restaurant I took him to their was homemade hot bread, soup, salad and the meal, hell I stop after the salad and limit the bread, my dinner comes and I take a bite and then it goes home but not with him, he asked me if I was going to finish and I said I was and he asked if he could have my dinner, so I gave it to him.

He didn’t even know he was eating veal picante and asked me what it was after he was done and I told him. He turned green, actually he got nauseated by my description of how veal is processed. Not my kind of guy but he was a grin and no I am not going to be his milf and he can move on to.

So there you have it in a nutshell the life and times of a psycho wench and it doesn’t get better than this and the hits keep on coming. The next two years are going to be growing years for me and major positive changes are finally going to come to me. I feel like a catipilar going through a metamorphisis.

Feelings

I do not know who I am and it makes me crazy, I have all these emotions flying around and so much crap going on I cannot wait to escape
I am going to visit a friend probably in April and I AM going to rest. My ortho surgeon called me and wants me to come in so we can discuss when I want him to cut on me.

The torn rotorcuff is getting worse and the pain is terrible. When I go on vaca I want to have already mended and I am back in action. My friend called me I think it was yesterday and he was going to call back but as usual he didn’t follow through. He called me to tell me he told “mouse” about my son and that was the extent of the conversation, lol.

He is such a good person that has done wrong things and I can hear his regret in his voice. The one thing I am looking forward to is attending Mass. I like to attend Mass in other countries even though I can’t understand a word they say. I like to go to Mass because it gives me such inner peace.

I stopped and lit some candles today for all of my family and I said a few prayers for those that mean so much to me. I left feeling so much better and then I find out more crap. I have court dates in Jan and Feb and when it’s over I am making my final travel plans. There is no stopping this time because if I don’t get away soon I will check out.

I cannot handle all of this emotional crap being an emotional person it takes a tole on me. My dad is the type of man I want to be with except some emotion would be nice. My dad was all air and earth signs in his chart and he had no water signs which made him totally unemotional.

He kept me balanced because he was all thought and I was all emotion and he could always make me see thing logically. My dad was someone I am proud of, he was a self made man and he was a dedicated and hard working man. My dad showed me what a man is suppose to be like but I only got that for the last 5-6 yrs.

I am very disturbed that I cannot bury my dad, this is so upsetting to me because I respect my dad even if he has been reduced to ashes. I was in home depot today and out of know where I broke down into a hystical crying session. I sat down on the floor in the aisle and just sobbed.

A lady came up and sat next to me and hugged me, she has a bipolar son and she understood my losses and I just poured my soul out to this stranger and she just listened until I was done. We sat on the floor hugging each other and she started to cry because she told me she could feel my pain.

It’s moments like this that give me faith in the world and I need that. I just want to rest and be loved and to love, I  just want to laugh and be silly again, I just want inner peace and some tranquility. I do not need a man for these things but damn, sure would help but we don’t get what we want, we get what we need, I guess.