Flour Power

My daughter came to visit for a few days and we are having a great time. We worked in the basement last night sanding and painting and today we chilled and made sugar cookies.

Shelby is reserved and she is a typical Capricorn in so many ways. Capricorns always act much older when they are young and when they get older they act much younger.

Shelby acts like a thirty five year old woman and sometimes I have to break up her self control wall.

I tried to get her involved in a flour fight but she just wouldn’t let down that protective wall. The cookies are really good and she has fallen for Michael and Gabriel.

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We were eating lunch and she asked me if I had ever had sex on my period and I told yes. She said “whew” and she said it was nasty. She asked me if I did “it” a lot.

I told her honestly that yes I had had sex on my period but it wasn’t something that I planned and preferred not to. I told her that if you don’t try something, how are you ever going to know if you like it or not?

She will leave tomorrow night because I do not want her here on Christmas day. It’s hard for her losing her dad and it’s better for her to stay at Leo’s and wake up to a festive house with tons of presents and the fun of the holiday.

I rather spend Christmas alone then to see my daughter have a sad day. She will be thinking about her dad and past Christmas’s, she will remember moments that bring tears and she will say a prayer.

I will go to mass and remember Bob and feel melancholy, I will remember my dad, grandmother, aunt and brother. I will remember when life was filled with large family get together’s during the holiday and I will remember the smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree and the sound of packages being opened.

I will suffer from melancholy but it will pass as it always does. I will not cry because I am alone and if I do cry it will be from missing those that helped shape me.

We never went anywhere and that included New Years so this will be another of the same. I have no plans as usual and it crawl into bed thanking God for getting me this far.

I will wonder how 2013 is going to be and I can see a lot of changes but I still have no clue where I will end up. Who knows I may move to another country or out west, I have no clue.

You will  notice in the video that my voice sounds funny, I don’t get much sleep since Ry assaulted me and I am still in quite a bit of pain. I needed to laugh and Shelby is such a tight ass trying to get her to loosen up is difficult. She smiled and enjoyed the flour throwing and I did as well.

The Search Of Center

I need to feel centered to be happy and that isn’t so easy to do these days. I am looking for a yoga class because I think that mind, body and spirit should be one. This cannot happen unless you are centered and when you are centered you are much calmer and in control, you look at things a different way and you no longer waste energy on things you have no control over.

center

I surprisingly am not controlling even though it may appear so. Being a widow requires you to be one step ahead at all times or get ran over. I have been placed in a situation that I am the queen bitch and must take control, I do what I have to not because I want to but because someone has to do it and I am the only one so it falls onto me.

I’m trying this mind over matter thing and I close my eyes and take deep breaths and exhale. I get in a very relaxed state and I think of calming things.

Water, my pets, him and I envision us walking through the park and the snow begins to fall and the sun is shining so brightly that we are forced to squint.

We are holding hands as we leave a trail of our footsteps and it’s so very quiet, just beautiful winter silence. As we walk around a crowd of bushes we came upon a beautifully cement carved bench.

We sat down next to each other still holding hands and we took the time to enjoy the beauty around us as it was breathtaking. I leaned against his shoulder and he put his arm around me and it was one of those moments where there is total peace and understanding.

It’s as if I don’t try some peace of mind techniques I will lose it. I am doing pretty good with the things I can’t control thing and I am trying to stick to one project.

Shelby and Leo came over tonight and Leo painted the basement for me. It needs more sanding but he will finish it in a couple of days as he is working.

Shelby helps to keep me focused and that is one of the hardest things for me to do. I tend to get scattered after a stressful situation and I think my son attempting to murder me is kind of stressful, don’t you?