The Fool Blind

He has flown to the U.S. and back to France several times yesterday, yet he cannot come to me. Am I the fool blind, does he spend his time with another? I try so hard to be positive but he leaves so much room to question and his lies continue so I have no reason to believe I am anything other than a netfriend.

I have to stay focused on me and my goals and set him aside until there is some positive response and if there isn’t one forth coming then I know where I stand but one thing is for sure I am more important than anyone or anything right now and I am going to continue to do what is best for me.

He doesn’t seem to care if he looses me or not and so I don’t care if I get lost into someone elses arms. I love him but sometimes loving yourself  is more important and right now he is playing games with someone who is delicate and trying to better herself. He promised to meet me in Vegas in January but once again I fear that I have fallen for another lie.

If he doesn’t come through with some plans soon I think that would be real shitty knowing the hell I have been through and if he were my best friend he would follow through. Please don’t do this to me again, please hon.

Today

You should be in your jammies and chillin’ not flying around the friggin world back and forth. I prefer to sit my big ass on the couch in my lounge pants and a shirt and drink bailey’s laced with tea. I am slightly accomplished today as I put back up a shelf that fell, woop the fuck ee.

The kids are up to their typical shenanigans’ and I am slightly tipsy, more than slightly, ok wtf, I do believe I am drunk. Thank goodness for proofreader’s, lol. I have thought about my son and I am not letting it get me to down because I have made a right decision for a change and stuck to it.

Christmas just doesn’t have the meaning it used to and without someone to share it with it means nothing. Today, you should be resting and recharging yourself, eating good food and sharing time with friends and family not on the damn computer. I have an excuse, the dogs and Khloe don’t  care if I talk to them or not.

I’m putting together my game plan for 2013 and it  is joining the gym, having surgery, get this house ready for market and keep getting rid of all this junk. I will miss my bedroom but try to find a place for a king size bed with triple dress, chest and two night stands isn’t so easy and besides it was ours and I do not want any reminders.

When I leave this house the final time I will not look back and feel so relieved because I will walk away with about 300 g’s and that will do nicely as a savings until I can decide what my plans are to be. I told him I might move to Nigeria and he was  o ok, like it was no big deal where I lived so I am not so sure he wants to be with me.

He says he’s not going anywhere but he doesn’t give me any hope for the future of us, that’s fine because he can run but he can’t hide and he is mine. Consider me a cave woman grabbing my man by the feet and dragging his ass home, what is mine is mine and I plan on collecting.

If I have to spend my last dime on a trip to France I will also do that Mr. wonderful because we belong together.

Does he/Doesn’t he

I love when I can teach my kids something knew and Shelby believes everything I tell her because I can do it with such a straight face for about 5 minutes then I start to crack up. We were watching tv and she was playing with the boys when she said to me that Gabriel had only one testicle.

My other dog had only one testicle and it should have been removed but wasn’t. She kept going on and on about Gabriel having only one testicle and I looked and it did look like he only had one. I started to feel them and he had two and Shelby was like “ooohhhh no you are not touching his balls”.

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I laughed so hard, the look on her face and then the we both started cracking up. I teased her about having a thing for balls and I asked her if she had felt Leo’s balls, her boyfriend. She acted like she was grossed out and I just laughed and laughed. To be young and naive again, I am so glad I am learning to let her go because we have such an awesome relationship.

My attorney is hiring her when she graduates and that will be great for her because she will learn so much and by the time she goes to law school she will known so much already. I would like to buy her a car for graduation but we will have to see about the finances, I am sure I can get her something but I want to get her something safe and dependable.

I wish I could by her a Shelby but that won’t ever happen, she has worked so hard to get where she is at and that’s at the top of her class. She is such a good kid I couldn’t ask for more and she is just so damn smart and “worldly” for her age. She has been to foreign countries I have never been to.

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Christmas Shine

My day started as usual, morning pee and letting Gabriel and Michael out and Khloe stood at the sliding glass door crying because she couldn’t join the boys. The are playing with an empty treat bag, who needs toys? They adore Shelby and she adores them and she played with all three most of the time she was here.

Bob used to give me Vitabath for Christmas and I thought I wouldn’t be getting it this year but Shelby came through for me. She knows I really enjoy my bubble baths and it was the best present. She could see how excited I was to get it. It doesn’t take much to make me smile and I thought how sweet it was of her.

We spent a lovely Christmas Eve together and then I scooted her out the door and told her don’t worry about me I will be fine. I just want her to have a great day and she wouldn’t here.Waking up without her dad here is a bit much for her I think and she is doing better but the loss is still strong.

I asked her how she was feeling about her dad and she said it’s easier which is a good thing. She will never get over his loss but it will ease as the years pass. I know it’s got to be hard for both kids and Ryan being hospitalized and me not calling him is going to be very hard for me but I must not call.

Sagev Baby

I think of you from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep and then I dream about you. I have never felt this way about anyone before and it is consuming, I want to care for you and laugh with you, I want to walk in the rain and play in the snow. I want to be with you to support you and your ideas.

I want to see you smile during your accomplishments and when you have set backs I want to be there to hug you and tell you it will be all right because it will be. I want to hold you kiss you love you and make you r heart feel alive. I want to  be with you babe so badly and now I have  nothing from stopping me exdept these court issues which will be over the first week february.

You know how money is tight for me so why don’t you make it easy for me? Why don’t you take time to make the first real move? meet me in vegas? seriously, in January?

You Knight

When I’m feeling sad and blue, I need someone to help me through, You make me laugh, you make me glad You comfort me when I’m feeling sad. You help dry away my tears, You help me overcome my fears. You’re always standing strong, When everything is going wrong. In short, you love me with ardor You’re, my Knight …. In Shining Armor.  you just made me smile tz, lol i love you so much

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Im tired and sore but I would like to ask for a present if I may, I know I don’t like presents but after last week I think I need this. Would you please come on skype and talk to me? You can be arabic, chinese, arabian or whatever but i need to talk to you, I need to see you or anyone like  Yyou because you do things that make me know it’s you and it comforts me.

I know you will be busy today flying around the world to see the kids but maybe you might find some time, please. I love you hon and that’s the true, I am in love with you as well, now whatcha got to say about that. I have finally had to admit it and yes I am afraid you will reject me but I have to put it out there.