I am simplifying my life and I am throwing more and more stuff away every day. It’s as if I need to trash the dead part of my life before I can move on. It feels like all this “stuff” weighs me down from flying high like I should be.

I seriously could walk away from this house and never look back again. The nosey bitch neighbor across the street now knows that I have the boys and she will cause me as much trouble as she can this summer. It’s easy to keep the boys in the yard with the little fence I put up.

Michael is such a mischievous one and Gabriel is such a good listener while Michael ignores me. Gabriel loves to sleep right up next to me and Michael behind my back. Khloe has to join the boys and she is a pain in the ass sometimes.

It’s looking like Ryan will never come home again and he will probably end up in a group home. This is killing me but I can’t let him kill me or Shelby. I can no longer trust my son and that is a dagger in my heart.

My brother refused to live in a group home and lived on the streets and was found dead in a vestibule of an apartment building. My son I hope does not end up the same way but I have to turn my back for the good of both of us right now.

Ryan is at that age that he is learning that his strength and size is intimidating to others and he seems to think he has the right to use that on me. I have tried to discipline the kids, in fact I always did the disciplining because Bob never wanted to be the bad guy.



I’ve been trying to figure out how to get rid of my furniture once I get rid of all my other junk and it finally dawned on my pea brain, hire a auction company. So what if they get a huge hunk as long as I get rid of it. 

I have a beautiful crystal chandelier in my foyer and one in the dining room with matching sconces and those alone should fetch about 16,000.00. My bedroom set is all cherry and king size and should get about ten grand and the other stuff should add up nicely.

I am so looking forward to putting this house on the market you have no idea. At one time this house meant safety, security, family but now it means nothing. Once I get this place emptied out I can put it on the market and it should sell much easier.

Houses that are empty always sell quicker because people like to envision their own items in the house. My neighbor just sold his house for 100,000 grand less than what he originally listed it for several years ago, what an idiot, he was so desperate to sell he gave it away.

When I list mine it will be close to 400,000 and yes I will get offers much less but I already have a bottom line and once being a realitor I have some knowledge of the market. The house doesn’t need much repair but I can’t do the simpliest of repair right now.

My daughter asked me what my plans were once I sold the house and I told her I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. She asked me if “he” was ever going to show up and I told her “no” because it’s the truth and I have to face it.

There are times when tough decisions have to made for our own well being and happiness and I have made up my mind that we will never be together. It’s much easier to get through the days without holding onto false hope.

Besides, he has a gf and she is no doubt knocked up, hope the two of them are happy and find a life because no matter how much I pray and cry to God, he will not come to me. I am having a comparison chart done to see if there is any chance of anything building between us.

I will have my answers the first week of January but I have already resigned myself to accept what is before me and he isn’t. It is going to be so hard for me to let him drift out of my life but I have no choice any longer.

He’s a dreamer and a lover and he loves to dream but he doesn’t follow through and that is where we differ greatly. I have the follow through and I am willing to bend only so much before I break and I am cracking.

Sun And Fun

If you had one place that you would love to be where would it be? Who would you want to be with? I have limited traveling knowledge of the world but there are a few places I would love to visit, bora bora and the cook islands.

I love sun and sand and I would so love to visit some place that was serene and beautiful, quiet and secluded, private and anonymous. I do not like people sharing the details of what I do with others and I like to stay private.

I like to be naked and walking naked on a beach is so me. I do not think people need to know your business and those that spread it have no life and no respect for the person they are speaking off. I give people the respect they give me and no more no less.

One day I will travel all the places I have always wanted to go to and that I can promise you. 

Attractive Back

Attractive people have to watch out for those that want to be with them based on their looks. How can you be sure someone wants to be with you for you? Do you pretend to be an average Joe and serve the net in hopes of meeting your one true love? Do you actually think you could possibly find your “angel”?

What are the chances of someone attractive, wealthy and famous finding true love? Is there such a chance for such a person? I can tell you one thing, take away the attractiveness, money and fame and what do you have? The real person and what lies within their heart and that my friends is what I seek, the real person.

We are total opposites in many ways but we are so alike in many ways as well. I love him with every ounce of love in me and I wish he would come into my life. You can love someone so much that the only thing you can do is walk away because it hurts too much not to be with them.

He needs me as much as I need him but the time has come for me to make some serious decisions and some serious moves in my life. I have to make the changes if I want my life to get better and I want to feel accomplished I want to feel good again and smile again. He knows everything about my life and I know nothing of his, not really.

I want to hear his crazy childhood stories and dreams, I want to hear about his adventures and discoveries, I want to hear about his accomplishments and his defeats. I want to learn about him, is he farsighted? How many surgery’s he has had and where, I want to hear about the things few people have interest in, all I know is I want to know the “him” in him.

There is one thing that I have no idea what to do about, I want no part of his “out there life” I want to be anonymous and keep it that way. I prefer to stay hidden and live in my safe little humble world but how do I do that and be with him at the same time? Hell, I don’t even know for sure if he wants to be with me.

Maybe I have been blowing smoke up my own ass and think he really does love me. He is obviously with another woman so who am I fooling?

Our Time

Have you ever been in a situation that kept two hearts apart? You think about this person from the time you wake up until you go back to bed and then you dream about them? Have you ever felt that there was this special person just waiting for the right time to be in your life? 

Have you ever just wanted to be next someone even if there is no conversation, just their presence? Have you ever loved someone with every ounce of your being? I want to be with him every second of the day for a while, lol then I would need some space and I am sure he would too.

I finally found my passport and planning my trip to Nigeria, I am sure I will have to get shots again so here we go redoing again. I am making so many positive changes in my life that I am feeling good about the direction I am going in. I hope he becomes part of my life but that choice is his.

He knows we belong together but I have never pictured myself with someone like him. I am sure he has never pictured himself with someone like me either, but that is the beauty in the relationship. Both of us have so much to offer each other to make us better people and that’s what life is about, being a better person.

I have to say life will be very lonely without him because he is my best friend and I think I am up there on his friend list. We will miss each other greatly but it’s time for us to be together. The stars say it’s time and that is what I follow, relationships are very important to me and I take all the help I can get as far as timing.

It’s time for us to come together and we will be together because I know he doesn’t want to lose me, besides he can’t wait for me to take control in the bedroom. He can’t wait for me to lick him from toes to head and then face, lol, I can’t wait just to give him a hug and show him what a real kiss is all about.