Tonight is the last of 2012 and as I leave it I leave so much behind emotionally, I leave so many troubles and problems behind because I was able to work through them, around them or over them. I have grown so much as a person and I see positive weather ahead because I am going into the New Year with a new attitude. I have become much stronger and I have left Bob in the past but I shall never forget him but I will no longer try to do what I thought he would have wanted.
I am living for myself finally and after eighteen years of pretending I am once again the real Kimberly and no one can change that. I know who and what I am and am not and I do not blow smoke up my own ass, first off all I can’t because I am not double jointed and second that just isn’t me. I look forward to getting my business off the ground and bringing in some extra cash because Shelby will no longer have social security coming in as of May and that is two thousand a month that is needed.
I have been setting my mind to put “him” behind me and I just have a feeling that this chart comparison is going to tell me to hang in there and of course I will. I am hoping it tells me that we would never ever work out that way I have something to look back on when I feel myself getting weak at the knees for him. How do you like those little blonde hairs my sweet? LOL, you just would love to dive in face first now wouldn’t you?
As long as I have a face to sit on you will have a place to sit hon, lol I know I am so bad but what can I say, you bring out the naughty in me and when I think of you I smile and sometimes even laugh at some of the things you have done to keep me from moving on and leaving you behind. For some reason you want a piece of me and I have no idea why, maybe it’s because I am real and could care the fuck less who you really are.
I told Frankie that and he got such a kick out of it and he asked me to repeat it later so he could repeat it. I told him don’t go saying that to strange women because they will slap the shit out of him and he thought that was so funny.
I talked to Shelby and she is celebrating the New Year at a friend’s house, I didn’t even know that it was New Year’s until she told me. You can see I am really with it as I sit home on this festive occasion doing nothing but watching the tube, listening to music and the boys fighting. Michael picks on Gabriel but Gabriel is not putting up with any crap which is so funny to watch, Michael will be eating something and Gabriel will bark at him like Michael is going to share.
My pets have become my day to day family and we have some pretty heated discussions at times. Yes, there are those that think people like me are totally off the map but there are quite a few people who treats their pets as if they are part of the family, which they are.We will do what we do every night, I will work until I get tired and then I will go into my bedroom take off my clothes and climb into a bed of cold sheets and comforter.
I will put the boys in their bed next to me and while they are getting comfortable I will resting my head in a pillow full of feathers and I will feel the coolness of the pillow on the sides of my face. I will let thoughts go threw my head and eventually I will fall to sleep. I will get nice and comfortable and reach for a pillow to hold so I can feel the coolness on my chest and then I will through off the covers until I get cold again and then cover up.
My night will be like every other, tossing and turning, covering and uncovering my ass and having fitful dreams. I have made a dent in listing the junk to sell but had to take a break as it gets to me to do such boring work. I do not like doing repetitive work and I get bored with it very quickly, I want to get this stuff posted asap because people will have money to spend after Christmas and cake decorators go crazy over unique shit and I sure have a bunch of it.
As I sat drinking my midday tea I decided on finally making breakfast at 3 p.m. the boys and I enjoyed eggs with milk as a friend of mine once described scrambled eggs. I have to laugh when I remember that conversation and how he was coming to my area as a gas line inspector or something similar to that. I remember well our conversations and his laughter, a hearty one when he is really letting go and I remember well the conversations of sexual acts.
He hasn’t changed much in the last four years but he seems to be more solemn, more reserved, more sterile in so many ways. I enjoyed him four years ago when he was more open in so many ways but time changes people and their goals in life. I watched a video of him today and I saw such a happy person but that happiness has gone from his life and he seems so stick man like. He needs to loosen up and enjoy life once again.
I will continue on my journey of growth and letting go of what no longer serves me and that isn’t as hard as I though it would be. It’s easy to let go of things that aren’t working for you when you realize your goal is to be happy and your goal is to find your soul mate. Nothing will stop me from accomplishing what I have in mind and I can see my new business taking off in January, it is always time-consuming when you own a business and takes up so much of your time.
I have been working not stop from morning until night to get the site ready for launching and I look forward to getting rid of so much crap , I look forward to planning my trip and I look forward to having all this legal stuff put behind me. I will be the victor in my dads affairs and I will come out smelling like a rose in all legal matters, how do I know this? Because I will make it happen and I can do anything I put my mind too.
I woke up at 11 a.m. and looked at the clock twice, how could I have slept so late? The boys are sleeping on my pajama pants lieing next to my bed and Khloe is sleeping at the foot of the bed. This is all normal and usually how the day begins. I got up and took my first morning wakeup pee and moved on into the kitchen where I grabbed a morning pepsi and then onto the computer. Checked my email and nothing important but I was interested in a video of someone I know.
I watched the video and two things struck me, he had his hair cut long ago and as I watched the video I noticed he had a “look at me bitches” attitude. I watched as he scored and then jump onto the fence between him and his fans and I thought wow, I bet he has a hardon over that goal. He was impressive to watch and he had the energy and talent that only angels can have and I wondered if his mother ever expected such great things from her son.
I wonder what gives him the same rush these days if anything, how could anything compare with such fun and excitement of his younger days? There is only one thing that could compare and that is falling in love again. Falling in love has it’s own form of a rush and we feel it over and over when we really love someone, sharing our life with someone is so special and comforting, so safe and secure and it’s what all of us need.
I do hope that he is really happy not just content and I hope his world stays safe and secure and I do hope he has the love he so desperately needs. I wish him the best in the coming year and I am just sorry that I will no longer be a part of his life.
Things are starting to move along nicely around here, Shelby and Leo came over and Leo painted the basement and Shelby shoveled the snow. We had some homemade chocolate chip cookies and tea and we had a delightful visit. We get along so well now that the tension between us is gone, yes I have finally excepted my boo boo is a big girl now and quite independent. I’m setting up a storefront for all the junk I want to get rid of starting with all the cake decorating stuff.
It’s a lot of data entry and I have been working it since yesterday and it will probably take all week before I get done. I’m dumping so much stuff and getting money for it and that works nicely for me. I am quite anxious about the chart comparison and the way I feel she is going to tell me to hang in there brighter days are ahead, I have got myself set to end the relationship once and for all because it is just holding me back from being really happy.
He won’t let himself go after what he really wants and I am a beginning to wonder if I am nothing more than a sexual fantasy. He likes to look at my private pictures and read my eroticfantasylife blog so I wonder if that is all I mean to him. He wants to be with a woman like me so bad he can’t stand it but he is also scared to death that he will lose control of himself and his emotions. If you want something you have to go after it because tomorrow you could be in a wheelchair or dead and your mobility is limited.
I do not know what keeps him from coming to me, is it my illness? my weight? my education? what is it? Another woman I have no doubt and he is committed to the relationship but only so deep and if that is the case he needs to make himself totally happy and do not live to exist but to enjoy what God has put on this earth. In four years he finally got divorced and my husband died now that we are both free I am ready to meet him but he doesn’t seem to want to meet me.
I’m going to close my facebook and my blogs because I do not have time for them any longer, I will not be writing to often if at all. I have to focus on making my life easier and getting things done around here. I wish I had a warm body to crawl into bed too, someone I can put my cold feet on to warm them up, I get lonely but I have yet to get desperate and end up in bed with someone for the sake of having sex. I would hope he isn’t like that but who knows?