Tried

I have offered you a nice dinner and a nice time with no demands or expectations and I know you have eaten at the finest restaurants around the world and no I am not trying to compete with that. I extended myself knowing in my heart you would reject my offer and for me to want to take you out to dinner for your birthday probably doesn’t mean a damn thing to you. I know you no doubt have a girlfriend and quite happy with her and the situation you two have and it was very hard for me to extend myself knowing you would reject me.

You will have a wonderful birthday regardless because don’t the rich always? I’m just a simple woman from a small town that wanted to see you smile and feel special on your birthday. I will not apologize for not buying you a gift because you can buy whatever you so choose and I thought a nice dinner and quiet evening is what is needed and it is a gift from the heart. You probably have been asked out by many women but how many offered to open their wallets for a change? I know I am not your ideal woman but I am a friend, a true friend and if I weren’t your name would have been put in my posts but that isn’t me.

I am not inviting you into my bed because I have enough self respect and morals that I don’t need to use sex and I would hope you would respect me for that but you always get what you want, don’t you? I do not believe you and I know each other well enough to be physical and cheap sex isn’t me and I will not apologize for the way I conduct my life. You want sex, you can get it just by saying your name to anyone that is familiar with what you are known for. If you got someone carrying your child or you are living with them, please respect yourself and them enough not to act like a piece of shit.

You do not need me in your life because you have everything you want and no doubt you have had every woman you have wanted and you are happy, right? You wake up with a smile everyday right? You have it all and you don’t need the likes of me, now do you? Nope you sure don’t.

I actually let myself believe that you might have dinner with me but we both know you are to afraid of me and won’t show and I do not want to upset your personal apple cart with your current love and I have extended this offer as one friend to another. I can’t make you do anything you do not want to and I refuse to beg, it is your day and it will be as you wish it to be, nor more no less. G, do what you want to do on your day, not was is expected and I hope you enjoy yourself.

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Trying

It took a half hour to get these damn workout clothes on and I walked for fifteen minutes which was 60% of a mile. I started slow and worked up to 3.0 for about a minute, lol but at least I made the first step. I set a goal of a mile today and didn’t make it but I will work back up to it and beyond in time. I am determined to get healthier for myself because no one can make me feel better physically or emotionally and I have to take care of myself because I have no one and obviously never will.

I had to buy a man’s workout top because my boobs are too big for the women’s sizes and the arms are way to long and the top is still tight and I can’t pull it down over my boobs. I am taking a picture of myself today so I can see the improvement and changes over time and that will keep me going. I’m getting rid of shit in the house and cleaning up my own “backyard” and the changes in my life are non stop. I chose the perfect time to make these changes because the stars are aligned for change and growth.

What is put in motion as of today will stay in motion for the next year and I will grow leaps and bounds because I chose so and I want a different life and I want to feel good about myself and not rely on others to lift me up. Once I set my mind to something I can accomplish it and there is no stopping me. I am determined and focused to make a better me and I will be a new me by the end of the year and I will see major major changes within three months. I am leaving behind so much but I must and I have to believe in me because no one else ever has or ever will.

Photo on 1-31-13 at 1.35 PMPhoto on 1-31-13 at 1.42 PM

He’s Brilliant

Yes, my son is brilliant and the tests say so, he is being put in freshman college geometry. Ryan is mad at me because I can see through his manipulation and he wants to come home so badly. He can literally charm the panties off of a nun and I pray he never gets into scamming because he has the ability to really hurt so many with his lies and manipulation. He has the smooth tongue and knows exactly what to say and when, just like my scammer did.

Ry is so slick he can scam scammers and that doesn’t sit well with me. He doesn’t believe in God and I cannot change that but I did not raise him to turn his back on God and he turned his back on God when I filed for divorce. I hope one day he finds his way back to God but only he can do that and I can understand him not believing because what God would let his parents divorce? This is how so many people think and they blame God for their troubles.

I have never asked God why, I ask myself why but I never question God because he has the master plan and it is not for me to question but to accept. Ryan is one of those people you absolutely cannot force or push to do what he chooses not to and he has learned the easiest way to piss someone off is not to answer them and he goes into shutdown mode. I know my son loves me and I know he misses me and that terrible night in December I still have no answers to.

 Those that read my blog know more about me than they do about those closest to them because I write about everything I feel and experience and I do not hide. I can be difficult at times but I am real and I have gone as far as to post pictures proving that I was hospitalized on several occasions because I know someone thinks I was just saying I was in the hospital. I don’t  play those games and I do not want anyone’s sympathy.

There is going to come a time when all of my posts will be happy one’s and I will find contentment but it will be a while before that happens. I want to get through February and then life will turn for me, all the legal crap will be over, my mother’s situation will be taken care of, Ry’s birthday will be over, taxes will be filed. I will have other legal battles to fight but they do not include any charges against me and for that I am glad.

James just text me to let me know he is coming to get his things tomorrow, not happening. I have not returned his texts and do not plan to and no I am not letting him in my home again to steal more from me. So many people tell me I have the worse luck and whatever could I have done to bring so much strife into my life. They fail to realize life is about lessons and yes some of us have had years of hard lessons but they come into our lives for a reason as do people.

Since James has been gone I have noticed that I feel so much better and I am getting more done around here. James did nothing but sleep all day, get up cook eggs and he was out the door at 3-4 a.m. everyday this went on and when things disappeared I had a veil of depression fall upon me. This kid drained me and made things harder for me so he had to go but I will admit I am afraid every night when I go to sleep and I never feel safe alone in this house.

I need my rest and when I do not sleep well my day ends up sucking and I get nothing done but now that I have the treadmill in front of me literally, I will use it everyday and I have to remember my spring chicken days have gotten up and went and I have to build up my stamina again. I do not look my age but my body is screaming, yes this bitch is 53 and needs to dump her cellulite and find her body again and I plan on doing just that.

My body is strange because I look terrible at the weight the doctors say I should way because I look sickly and I fortunately have aged gracefully as far as my face. I am noticing wrinkles starting to appear on my upper chest but hey I am not complaining. I also notice my skin is thinner and doesn’t have the elasticity it once had but that is ok as well because I know what I am and what I am not. I am a strong woman but for once, just once I want someone else to be strong for me.

E Stalking Cyber Bully

The suicidal rate for children is on the rise as is suicide from cyber bullying or bullying in school/neighborhood. Adults are even participating in Cyber bullying of other’s children. The parent thinks they can find out information about their own child or what is being said by making up fake profiles to get the child they think are being unfair to their own. Parents are saying terrible things to another child and yes that pushes the child to commit suicide. The computer is a tool for good which is being used for so much bad.

People do not understand that when they say or do things to another on the computer and they are using fake profiles to hide behind. They do not know that leading another on to think they are loved by that person or cared for at the least and they have no idea what they are doing to the other person or how the other person will react. Adult scammers need to give serious thought to their own children and their loved ones, how would they feel if their child or friend committed suicide because of lies and money.

I bring this up because I found out this morning that a teacher that lost her home in Florida and moved here and she had no friends and the teacher’s shunned her, new teachers are not easily accepted. She committed suicide last night because she “met” a guy online and he led her on telling her he loved her, wanted to marry her ect. and she found out he was nothing but a scammer. This world has lost a wonderful person over scamming and it sickens me, just sickens me. She was a Theology teacher and for her to commit suicide says how bad things became for her.

I can so relate to what she was dealing with and how she felt when she found out it was all a lie and yes I have thought about suicide myself over a very similar situation. Emotions are powerful and when you feel terrible about yourself and feel like a fool that you let yourself have feelings for someone who you find out doesn’t care about you can lead you to want to die because the pain is immense and unrelenting. It doesn’t matter that I have bipolar disorder, I am a person with feelings and emotions that some people use to manipulate me.

If I committed suicide I wonder if “he” would even care, miss me or stop doing what he has done for years. Would he feel any guilt? I doubt it and no I will not let “him” push me to end my life because I opened my heart to him. People that hide behind the internet for gain of any kind will hopefully learn that their actions do not just hurt another financially or emotionally, it tears the person down inside and the person begins to feel they are useless and their live has no meaning.

The stalkers, scammers and bullies of the world are destroying many good lives and the world is losing those people to suicide and no religion can make the person change their mind when they no longer wish to live.  People do not think before they act and refuse to accept responsibility for what they have done to harm another. Everyone needs love and even I am an not immune to it and we want love so bad and need it so bad that I have paid dearly for it and sold myself short.

Suicide is the only way we as a society is learning to deal with the pain and the children of this world are dieing everyday to be treated right, understood by their parents and peers and adults are right behind them in ending their lives. Something has got to be done about the actions of others that harm someone and the laws do not protect the victim and that must change. No one has the right to be so callous and self centered and not be held for their actions, yes we have free speech but we do not have the right to tear down another person and think it is ok.

When you have a child or friend that has attempted suicide or succeeded then and only then do you realize how bad things are in this world and even the strongest person can be broken down and a child, a child SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO LIVE LIFE BEING BULLIED, NO ONE SHOULD.

Life A Changing

I have a closet full of beautiful clothes that don’t fit, either to big or to small and I have decided this is the year I get healthier. Two mini strokes under my belt and the little dizziness I get here and there is telling me to lose weight, get strong, quit smoking and eat better. Big Rick came down and brought my treadmill in for me yesterday and I made the first move last night, I wiped of all the dirt and dust off it and I look at it and WILL walk a mile the first day. I have to work up to five miles a day but that will take time but I will do it.

I am doing this for me and me alone because exercising fights depression, give you more energy and you feel so much better all the way around. I need the endorphins to kick in because this has been a rough week for me. My mother will not be alive much longer, “he” will be spending his birthday with his gf, I have been ripped off again and found out I have more legal fees due and I have to reenter all of my tax info into a worksheet for income tax. I am cleaning and throwing out so much junk that I can now find parts of my house I had forgotten existed.

I am tripping down memory lane as I go through old documents and run across pictures, many tears dotted with a few laughs but still a painful walk at that. This is the year of Kimberly, the year I get healthier and stronger emotionally and physically. This is the year I make myself happy and things start to get better and I find my “happy place” and I am doing this for me and only me which is great because I need to love myself more and be good to myself because no one else has been.

The next few months are going to be tough because I am coming up on two years since Bob died and it’s hard for me, so very hard. Knowing that my mother is on borrowed time doesn’t make me feel good like it does my sister and all I do have left for family is my mother and sister and my sister isn’t worth two dead rocks and my mother and I have issues that will never disolve. I am afraid to see my mother because the compassionate person I am will break down and it will tear me apart to see her helpless.

It’s hard to see someone who is so damn strong so broken and unrepairable, in so much pain and reliable on others and she is basically locked in her body and not living life at all, just existing. No matter how much anger I have towards another the minute I see them needy I fall apart.

The Face

You can tell so much about a person’s face, especially if they are ill. I have been cleaning and running across pictures of my husband and as I look at his face I can see strong illness, his face and body were “blown up” as if he was swollen and then the next picture I came across I could see he had thinned greatly. Now I am wondering if we were together at that time if I would have noticed, if I would have sensed and smelled the illness like I had on so many other occasions. Illness has an odor and I can smell it when I am around someone ill.

Terminal illness has a very strong odor to me and I can smell life being taken away and it hits me like the smell of gangrene. I now wonder if I could have saved him again and I am feeling terrible because I do not believe he needed to die. I believe that I could have gotten him treatment and saved his life but I chose to turn my back on him and file for divorce. I have a tremendous amount of guilt as I look at these pictures and I am torn apart inside, how do I put this to rest? How do I forgive myself? Did I let my husband die?

This is a terrible feeling and the questions I ask myself are tormenting me and I think this is all coming back to me because April 26 will be two years, two very long years. I can no longer hold back the tears and I cannot escape the guilt because when Bob did pass, I thanked God for taking him. Not only was Bob’s pain stopped but so was mine and I was relieved when he finally died, yes I was relieved because to watch him slip away day by day took it’s toll on me and as I look down at my hands I see his blood.

The pain gas a grip on my heart and I feel like I am so lost and I stand in the center of the room and it appears to be moving around me as if I am reliving my life in slow motion. The video in my head plays over and over and I can still feel his body the last time I hugged him and he was bones. I remember so clearly bathing him, changing his diapers and cleaning up his blood and not once did I find it to be disgusting or appalling as so many do and I no longer know who I cry for, myself or for Bob or for both of us and the kids.

I feel like I have been doing a dance, going back and forth emotionally and I feel overwhelmed with emotion and all I can do is cry and hold myself. I have been getting these feelings to go to the cemetery and I haven’t been there since Christmas and I feel bad about that. When I look at our headstone and I see his name and mine I realize the only thing missing is the date of my own death and I wonder if I have let Bob down because I haven’t done so great the last two years.

I know in my heart of heart’s that Bob wants me to move on and be happy but I just can’t seem to do that and I have tried. I am feeling such emotional pain and loss and when I think I am past it, it returns and takes me down again. I have been focusing on someone else and their birthday so I don’t feel so much pain and I so needed him to come for his birthday for himself but more for me. I have needed to be hugged and feel some form of love and I thought if he came it would help me heal, the fool am I.

He isn’t coming and it’s just another stab added to my heart and I am have got to let go of someone who obviously wants no part of my life. Is this Bob’s way of making me pay for filing the divorce? But he wants me happy but does he insist that I suffer for a very long time first? There has been so much pain in my life and I feel like shit about myself and I feel like a failure in so many ways because there are so many “what could have beens” that will never be. I want to forget April 26 and the loss of that day but all I can do is cry.

This has been the cause of me feeling sick every night for the last week and even though I have new mattresses on our bed, it’s as if he is lieing next to me again and I put my hand on his chest to see if he is breathing like I had like so many other times. I reach out for a pillow and place my hand on it and no there is no breathing, no moving, no existence. I tried so hard to have a connection with “C” but it was only superficial and he turned out to be a bit wacked and not the person I thought at the beginning.

I can’t find my wedding ring and that is upsetting me because I feel like I should be wearing it and I am so damn irresponsible I can’t remember where I put it. Bob used to tease me about being a cheap wife because I can’t wear anything but good gold and I have never been one for jewelry. I have thrown away the negligee I wore for him before he died and I can remember telling me how much he loved me and how pretty I was and those were basically the last words he said to me.

I cannot convey how painful it is to lose your spouse because you lose more than a spouse, you lose your best friend, confidant and the person who will fight to the death for you. When you lose your spouse you deal with guilt, overwhelming guilt and there is no running or hiding from it. I thought I was healing but I know longer feel like that is possible and I know longer feel that there will ever be someone in my life again, I feel all alone and broken and do not feel like I will ever be put back together again.