You can tell so much about a person’s face, especially if they are ill. I have been cleaning and running across pictures of my husband and as I look at his face I can see strong illness, his face and body were “blown up” as if he was swollen and then the next picture I came across I could see he had thinned greatly. Now I am wondering if we were together at that time if I would have noticed, if I would have sensed and smelled the illness like I had on so many other occasions. Illness has an odor and I can smell it when I am around someone ill.
Terminal illness has a very strong odor to me and I can smell life being taken away and it hits me like the smell of gangrene. I now wonder if I could have saved him again and I am feeling terrible because I do not believe he needed to die. I believe that I could have gotten him treatment and saved his life but I chose to turn my back on him and file for divorce. I have a tremendous amount of guilt as I look at these pictures and I am torn apart inside, how do I put this to rest? How do I forgive myself? Did I let my husband die?
This is a terrible feeling and the questions I ask myself are tormenting me and I think this is all coming back to me because April 26 will be two years, two very long years. I can no longer hold back the tears and I cannot escape the guilt because when Bob did pass, I thanked God for taking him. Not only was Bob’s pain stopped but so was mine and I was relieved when he finally died, yes I was relieved because to watch him slip away day by day took it’s toll on me and as I look down at my hands I see his blood.
The pain gas a grip on my heart and I feel like I am so lost and I stand in the center of the room and it appears to be moving around me as if I am reliving my life in slow motion. The video in my head plays over and over and I can still feel his body the last time I hugged him and he was bones. I remember so clearly bathing him, changing his diapers and cleaning up his blood and not once did I find it to be disgusting or appalling as so many do and I no longer know who I cry for, myself or for Bob or for both of us and the kids.
I feel like I have been doing a dance, going back and forth emotionally and I feel overwhelmed with emotion and all I can do is cry and hold myself. I have been getting these feelings to go to the cemetery and I haven’t been there since Christmas and I feel bad about that. When I look at our headstone and I see his name and mine I realize the only thing missing is the date of my own death and I wonder if I have let Bob down because I haven’t done so great the last two years.
I know in my heart of heart’s that Bob wants me to move on and be happy but I just can’t seem to do that and I have tried. I am feeling such emotional pain and loss and when I think I am past it, it returns and takes me down again. I have been focusing on someone else and their birthday so I don’t feel so much pain and I so needed him to come for his birthday for himself but more for me. I have needed to be hugged and feel some form of love and I thought if he came it would help me heal, the fool am I.
He isn’t coming and it’s just another stab added to my heart and I am have got to let go of someone who obviously wants no part of my life. Is this Bob’s way of making me pay for filing the divorce? But he wants me happy but does he insist that I suffer for a very long time first? There has been so much pain in my life and I feel like shit about myself and I feel like a failure in so many ways because there are so many “what could have beens” that will never be. I want to forget April 26 and the loss of that day but all I can do is cry.
This has been the cause of me feeling sick every night for the last week and even though I have new mattresses on our bed, it’s as if he is lieing next to me again and I put my hand on his chest to see if he is breathing like I had like so many other times. I reach out for a pillow and place my hand on it and no there is no breathing, no moving, no existence. I tried so hard to have a connection with “C” but it was only superficial and he turned out to be a bit wacked and not the person I thought at the beginning.
I can’t find my wedding ring and that is upsetting me because I feel like I should be wearing it and I am so damn irresponsible I can’t remember where I put it. Bob used to tease me about being a cheap wife because I can’t wear anything but good gold and I have never been one for jewelry. I have thrown away the negligee I wore for him before he died and I can remember telling me how much he loved me and how pretty I was and those were basically the last words he said to me.
I cannot convey how painful it is to lose your spouse because you lose more than a spouse, you lose your best friend, confidant and the person who will fight to the death for you. When you lose your spouse you deal with guilt, overwhelming guilt and there is no running or hiding from it. I thought I was healing but I know longer feel like that is possible and I know longer feel that there will ever be someone in my life again, I feel all alone and broken and do not feel like I will ever be put back together again.