New And Improved

This is my year, my year to let go of things and people who no longer serve a purpose in my life, a house that no longer gives me the feel of safety and comfort, surrounded by reminders of another way, another life. I am starting to pack up the shit I will keep so I can have an auction house come in and sell the remainder, which is quite extensive and holds to many memories. I do believe I will purchase another smaller home here so my kids have a place when I leave the state.

I know I can walk away and leave the kids to fend for themselves but that isn’t me and as long as God provides me with enough to live on then I have no problem seeing my kids grow and make their own ways eventually. Being a mom and their only parent keeps me focused on what is truly important in this life and always being there for my kids and taking care of them is what I shall always do. I will find my way by myself but the kids will always have me.

I find myself pulling further and further away from someone I care very much for because when I i.m. him he has hearts dropping and they are not for me. I am insane, doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result which of course never happens. I have been dating again and so far all  I can say is it sux and everyone wants to get laid on the first date, which doesn’t happen with me because I need more from another person than a physical release.

I am quite valuable as a person and I am rich in ways most can never be or ever will be and I deserve all the happiness coming to me and I embrace it with vigor and vitality. I am going out to dinner Friday with someone who I have chatted with for sometime on my fb and I find him to be very nice and funny. I have no idea what he looks like which is fine with me because I do not need to see a picture to know I like this person. I think it’s better to get to know someone without a picture first because then you are not persuaded by their appearance.

We tend to be drawn to attractive people and we get so caught up in their appearance that we cannot see the person for who they really are, what they really hold dear and what morals and standards they have. I am going really slow this time because I do not want to hurt this person in any way and I want him as a friend and I will not fuck up a friendship for a night of cheap sex. I have this feeling that he may just be the one that I give my mind as well as my body to and it is quite a delightful feeling.

It doesn’t matter what you feel for someone else if they do not show you they feel the same and I have opened my eyes and see I mean nothing to someone I care for so it’s time to take back my power and live my life for myself and no one else. He can dream and fantasize his life away for all I care because I have chosen to live mine the way it should be lived, no excuses and no apologizes. I do not want him in my life or to know anything about it because he may love me but he doesn’t care about me from what I see.

Shattering In The Sky

I laid in my bed and looked out the sliding glass door watching the droplets of rain slide down the glass in a jagged path with no direction. The sky was dark yet so beautifully quiet and it appeared to open its arms and draw me in. I fell into a state of floating, blowing around like a leave in the wind with no direction until I landed, I could see my place in this world but it was off in the distance as if it were a mirage, a place so strange and unknown to me.


I was shaken out of my daze by the lightening bolt that opened up the skys and lit the ground below and as it rode up the tree the cracking sound of a branch assaulted my hearing. It was as if my soul had been awakened from a self induced sleep, a restless sleep with no place to comfort me. I seemed to have lost myself in the daily ritual of bullshit digestion and have lost the woman I once was but the shattering of the  lightening bolt was an awakening, a kiss to my beliefs and needs, a warm hug for the lost little girl who rests inside of me.


Our dreams do come to if we do not hold them to tightly and let them materialize on their own, our dreams are filled with hope and desire, a need that cannot be fed with food alone. My dreams are just out of my reach and I have to stretch to touch them in hopes that they show themselves before me. My dreams are simple yet so complicated, so consuming yet freeing me, my dreams wrap me like a warm blanket and comfort my loneliness with a secret, hidden agenda of their own.




Have you ever met someone and said you liked that person just the way they are, but you actually didn’t? I have been telling someone who I like him just the way he is but I have realized thats not true and I have finally realized he is who he is and I have to accept what I do not care for, which is his fame and fortune. That makes up a huge part of who he is and I cannot accept only part of him but I  must accept him in his entirety and I have no choice but to accept that part of his life if I am to love him completely.

He has learned so much by his fame and fortune and he can teach me so much more than I could ever teach him about the world. I can teach him about his inner world, himself and show him how to return to a place that gives him so much comfort. I think he has been hurt as much as I have but in different ways but it’s still hurt and we have these lessons specific to ourselves and we learn and we are able to help others from those painful experiences. He isn’t one of those rich snobby bastards unless someone treats him like shit and then yes he can be a prick.

I am finally accepting that I do love him and I know he loves me and I know one day we shall meet and we will be together as we should be because he is my soulmate and I am his. I think he fears me because he fears being hurt and all I can say is open up hon, let me in and then and only then judge me, judge me for the person I am and I can judge you for the person you are. I think the only difference between him and an average guy is he can spend money like water and he does but I do know he isn’t happy and cannot purchase what he really needs.

It’s so important for me to have his friendship, not his gifts or what he can do for me  because I am the one that has a gift for him, one that cannot be purchased. It is the gift of life as it should be, a life that makes him smile when he wakes in the morning, a life of simple happiness and if he feels the only way he can show me who his is, is by trying to impress me then so be it. It would be so embarrassing to me to accept any type of gift from him and I do so hope he can impress me just by being himself.

I love this man and there is no one in this  world for me other than him, I cannot have sex with anyone else because I feel as if I were cheating on him and felt that way when I kissed another man. I accept him in his entirety and I love him for who he is, all  of him and I just want to see him smile, hear his laugh and run in the rain hand in hand with him. The trip to Nigeria is going to be one of helping me quiet my restless soul and if he so chooses, he can meet me there and if not then so be it.