It’s Done

It’s done

It’s over

You can sit

In the green clover

You had me once

But no more

I will no longer

Be your online whore

You may say

I have made a 

Huge mistake

Yes, I did make 

One mistake

And now, yes now

You are too late

The ring on my finger

Has my commitment

You didn’t care

So I have left ya

Enjoy your fame

Enjoy your glory

Because that is all

You have and I 

Find it all quite lame

But that is you

Mr. Beautiful

Mr. Vain

O Lord

I’m getting married at the justice of the peace and then remarrying again in August in Chile, lol. New mama is insisting on having a friend of hers make me a wedding dress and she is insisting on a huge family wedding, I have no family so it’s a good thing “C” has a huge family. We are going to Bora Bora for the honeymoon and March 5 has a place in my heart that no one knows about. His mom is huge into lace so I’m going to look like a pair of my own panties walking down the aisle.

She doesn’t know we are getting married next month and we are not telling her because she will have a melt down. I gave “C” back his ring and he showed up with this rock the size of a cock. He knows I am not into jewelry and I think he bought such a large ring ( 5 carats) to impress his mother and family. His mother cried when we told her and she said it was the best birthday present she has ever gotten and I am glad I could make her day, she pulled out pictures of wedding cakes that she would like me to choose from, holy mother of G she asked me if I minded looking at her guest list so she emailed it to me, my G they must be related to everyone in every country down that way, the friggin guest list has 800 people and counting, lol.

Damn people move fast especially happy latino mama’s, the cakes she showed me were unbelievable seriously eight tiers and side cakes, wtf? She started talking about the food and hell I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about because she said most of it in Spanish and she asked me when I was going to learn Spanish and I told her I have been working on it, she laughed at me when I said si and could count to ten in spanish. She wants us to say our vows in Spanish and unless si and counting to ten counts then ok, mama I’ll speak Spanish, lol.

“C” has a precious mom, when we came into the house we went into the kitchen and I sat down, she walked up behind “C” and slapped him in the head twice and started yelling in Spanish, when mama yells in Spanish, she is very pissed. She slapped him because he didn’t pull the chair out for me, lol and evidently she told him that I was to be his wife and he would respect me. I was so shocked that she slapped him and even more surprised when she went Latino on him, he acted like a little boy and kept apologizing to her which made her even madder because he was suppose apologize to me.

These Latino’s are damn strict and I had no idea mama would slap her son in front of me, lmao he was so humiliated and embarrassed but hey, mama raised him better than that and he embarrassed her so he had to feel her wrath. She makes me feel so good, I told her I was working out to lose weight and get in shape and she told me do not lose any weight and I was perfect the way I am. I feel more love from this woman than anyone that has ever come into my life and I feel like I am finally getting a family again.

I have no clue why I am marrying “C” but it doesn’t matter, like Cindy said I am old and cannot be choosy or picky, so hence the marriage. I don’t care any longer about love and happiness because it doesn’t exist and never will be more than it is in my life. “C” wants to have more children but it won’t happen with me and we have talked about adoption but honestly I am to old to deal with an infant again and I really do not want to raise anymore children but “C” really wants another baby so this is a problem for me.

 

 

Put A Ring On It

“C’ and I had a serious conversation earlier about his behavior, he showed up at my door and begged me to talk to him so I did. It’s official we are getting married March 5th, fuck it let’s just do it and move on, he is having his attorney draw up paperwork that includes that if he ever hits me he has to give me EVERYTHING HE OWNS and he has agreed to it. We are getting together tomorrow and going to make the relationship physically commited, yes I am going to fuck him tomorrow, couldn’t tonight, it’s his mom’s birthday and his is tomorrow.

What’s the worse that could happen? I finally get “him” out of my life and mind, this is a good thing

Happy Happy

Happy Birthday G, hope you have a great day, you’ve signed your autograph, taken pics and kissed babies no doubt, slammed some pasta for lunch and hit Brazil for your appearances and promoting next years “big one”. Sorry you are so afraid of me but I tried and can try no more. I am canceling my trip to Nigi and sitting home tonight waiting to see if the asshole will try to break in again. It’s really sad you have to spend your time looking at my va jj, shame on you. Happy Birthday, farewell and good luck—-

Tear Me Apart

Call me fat, ugly, tell me I need a make over and to lose weight, tell me I am disqusting and have no class, tell me I am a loser and you are embarrassed to be seen with me, call me bitch, ugly, whore, slut , cunt and you do not want to have sex with me or even cuddle. Go ahead, tear me down if you can because your words are shallow and hollow and you are no fucking prize yourself. These are words my husband said to me over and over during our years of marriage, but when he was dieing I instantly became beautiful again.

knife

My own mother never once hugged me or told me she loved me and yes to her I was a slut, whore, useless and she wished I was never born but who needs me now? Who now tells people she loves me because she has had two massive strokes, she still calls me Debbie as if I have no name and she is still abusive even if she can’t speak complete sentences. I cannot hug my mother for fear of being pushed away or insulted and I have fought my way out of a self image that was drowning.

I have a great fear of rejection and when I extend myself to someone I expect to be rejected, which shouldn’t be. I see who I am in the mirror and the person I see tells me I am worthless and should just off myself because the world would be a better place. I have been torn down to nothing and try so hard to feel good about myself and I am failing miserably. I have been looking at this knife regularly lately and wonder if one swipe across the neck would do it, I am not suicidal but have been torn down so low that I have no desire to meet anyone new.

I do not feel like I am good enough for anyone unless I have money to give them or they can continue to rip me off. Self esteem is gone and I feel like I am the biggest of all losers. Why am I feeling this way? The walk of memory lane, the letters I have come across and the words written. I came across a birthday card from my husband and inside it said happy birthday whore and my mother hasn’t called me and wished me a happy birthday EVER, no cards, no kind words.

I have been in counseling for years trying to deal with the damage that I have been subjected to and I have come a long way but going threw paperwork with hateful reminders has awakened something inside me that keeps telling me I should no longer be here, that I am worthless and I am fighting like hell not to succumb to these feelings. I could die today and no one would even know that I am gone, no one would care and the constant rejection in my life has finally taken it’s last toll on me.

It’s not the bipolar acting up but yes once again bipolar is being blamed for my feelings and actions. I am passionate and express myself passionately  and if you want to label me the bipolar boss fine because it shows your ignorance, your  lack of education and your lack of understanding. I am responsible for my actions and words but I have been put on the defensive and all of you can go straight to hell and no you will not pass go.

Testicals

Women do you know why testicles are on the outside of the body? Bet you don’t and kicking them doesn’t count. Testicles produce sperm, for sperm to mature it must be the right temperature and the testicles are exposed to cool them off to produce healthy sperm. Bike riding is not good for the reproductive system unless you purchase a bike seat that actually as an opening for the testicles to “breathe” and for women this seat helps tighten the va jj. The body requires so much more care than any of us really know.

Personally, I think a man’s testicles need care as does the va jj and I look at the body differently than most. The body when taken care of properly is a fine working machine. Do you have sinus problems, allergies then purchase a “nose bide”, you fill it with water and pour the warm water into each nostril and it comes out the other nostril. Do your feet stink? Make a batch of tea and soak your feet in each everyday for a week and the odor will disappear, this is homeopathic medicine and I am finding it to be so much better than traditional meds.

I am studying homeopathic medicine because it’s natural, safe and works better than the crap the dr.s give us. I am being to think I have celiac disease but have to see an intestinal specialist. I am always having to go to the bathroom and at times there is no warning. My nerves play a big part in it but as I have aged the problem seems to be getting worse, hence celiac disease possibly.  Got a hang over? Drink lots of water and drink white alcohol and eat eggs, eggs are filled with antioxidants and clean your liver.

Drink water and take an aspirin before you go to sleep and no hang over the next morning. These are simple health essential changes that can make your life better. Another problem women have is douching too much, vinegar is the key ingredient in douche and it dries out the natural cleansing our bodies produce. We do not need to douche and actually can cause ourselves to get infections, I haven’t douched since hell, I think I did it once or twice and that was it, our bodies produce a period to cleanse the uterus out of the dispelled eggs and the va jj has an odor that should be pleasant and inviting.

You have to be comfortable with your body and you have to accept what and who you are and no you cannot change the bodies chemistry without pills and that is all synthetic. Little girls are developing so much quicker than they used to because they are overweight. You get more insulin with weight and this throws young girls into early development, change the child’s eating habits, cut the junk, sweets and make them go out and play and expand energy.

Anti bacterial products I frown upon because you kill the good bacteria as well as the bad, use alcohol  jells during flu season but not after. Line up all of your meds and cleansers and look at their contents, bet you don’t have a clue what have the stuff inside of the product is or it’s side affects. Simple soap and water does more than the chemicals we think work better.

Have problems with acne? Toothpaste, yes a dab of white toothpaste will dry that pimple up after several applications at night before bed, we do not touch our faces as much when we sleep.

So there you have your health plug for the day, an added plus make a green drink of spinach, cucumber, parsley ginger, apple and lemon blend it and let it get cold and it is really good, dump the cola’s, limit the alcohol and you will feel differently in three weeks. It takes three weeks to break a habit and I am starting to break my habit to “him”. In fact I think he should go swim in the amazon and take a piss because there is this little parasite that is drawn to urine and actually jumps into the urine and up into the penis and enter the va jj as well, it can only be surgically removed.

Feb 1 Big Deal

Today is your birthday, a year older, more grey but you are still the same asshole you were yesterday, happy birthday you fuck. You want to live longer you need sex four days a week so ponder that one. You enjoy your dinner with you r gf who is no doubt knocked up with the little girl you always wanted. Ya, all  planned right? You are an asshole if you think so and If you love this woman then fucking marry her but be smart enough to get a dna test.

All I have to offer is an invitation but that isn’t good enough for you is it? You want bells and whistles, fancy clothes, jewelry and anyone one that will fuck you at a moments notice. Damn I no longer feel you are anything more than a scammer who scammed a sick woman, a woman that has fought her entire life to make it through each day and that is such an accomplishment for you and you know doubt still laugh at my stupidity and ignorance, laugh no more.

I am not going to think about you the rest of the day because, why waste my time? You can’t even follow up with a promised text and as far as dinner fuck it that doesn’t mean a damn thing to you either, fine. Happy Birthday and it’s done, finished and I will no longer extend myself to you for you to blow me off. Fuck you, blow yourself you are so talented, gifted, wanted well I no longer want you and have only fooled myself for two many years.

Ya, happy birthday to you that is more than you said to me and you didn’t even think about me on my birthday, all you think about is fucking me thanx I can fuck myself because I have let you fuck me way to many times already. I am beyond hurt and no there is no turning back for me because I have been trying to get you out of my life for quite some time. I am not like you and do not have millions of followers, scanks or people that just want to you use.

I get used because of my stupidity and yes you have used me for years, money, pictures, fantasy’s and jacking off to my pics, some friend you are not and never will be to me. Once again happy birthday you old fuck and goodbye. Don’t contact me on messenger, make comments on my facebook, text me or call me EVERY AGAIN, I AM HURT AND NO YOU CANNOT UNDO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND NO DOUBT HAVE NO DESIRE TO CORRECT YOUR WRONGS.