Tear Me Apart

Call me fat, ugly, tell me I need a make over and to lose weight, tell me I am disqusting and have no class, tell me I am a loser and you are embarrassed to be seen with me, call me bitch, ugly, whore, slut , cunt and you do not want to have sex with me or even cuddle. Go ahead, tear me down if you can because your words are shallow and hollow and you are no fucking prize yourself. These are words my husband said to me over and over during our years of marriage, but when he was dieing I instantly became beautiful again.

knife

My own mother never once hugged me or told me she loved me and yes to her I was a slut, whore, useless and she wished I was never born but who needs me now? Who now tells people she loves me because she has had two massive strokes, she still calls me Debbie as if I have no name and she is still abusive even if she can’t speak complete sentences. I cannot hug my mother for fear of being pushed away or insulted and I have fought my way out of a self image that was drowning.

I have a great fear of rejection and when I extend myself to someone I expect to be rejected, which shouldn’t be. I see who I am in the mirror and the person I see tells me I am worthless and should just off myself because the world would be a better place. I have been torn down to nothing and try so hard to feel good about myself and I am failing miserably. I have been looking at this knife regularly lately and wonder if one swipe across the neck would do it, I am not suicidal but have been torn down so low that I have no desire to meet anyone new.

I do not feel like I am good enough for anyone unless I have money to give them or they can continue to rip me off. Self esteem is gone and I feel like I am the biggest of all losers. Why am I feeling this way? The walk of memory lane, the letters I have come across and the words written. I came across a birthday card from my husband and inside it said happy birthday whore and my mother hasn’t called me and wished me a happy birthday EVER, no cards, no kind words.

I have been in counseling for years trying to deal with the damage that I have been subjected to and I have come a long way but going threw paperwork with hateful reminders has awakened something inside me that keeps telling me I should no longer be here, that I am worthless and I am fighting like hell not to succumb to these feelings. I could die today and no one would even know that I am gone, no one would care and the constant rejection in my life has finally taken it’s last toll on me.

It’s not the bipolar acting up but yes once again bipolar is being blamed for my feelings and actions. I am passionate and express myself passionately  and if you want to label me the bipolar boss fine because it shows your ignorance, your  lack of education and your lack of understanding. I am responsible for my actions and words but I have been put on the defensive and all of you can go straight to hell and no you will not pass go.

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