So You’re

A billionaire, that is just plain gross, gross GROSS, I honestly never knew. Once so pretty and so wanted, once the man of bronze in the center, a has been, a once was, nobody special any longer to me. Destroy what you must, burn it until it turns the color of rust, look at yourself and who do you see? A myth, a legend, a someone who used to be, more concerned with reputation, so full of class but to me you are nothing but an ass. If people only knew but I shall never tell because you prefer to live in a shell.

I went to mass, God  said “do not kiss his ass” he is a loner, a liar, a thief-he will be lonely inside forever because of these deeds-he fears closeness, he fears lies, he fears himself which makes him unwise. The women who love him, love him for money that is why he cannot find a true honey. He sells himself short, he hides in bushes, he is afraid of what he wishes to touch, kiss and hold. The world is his oyster but he has choked on the pearl, money, money, money is his world-He thinks to highly of himself in his own image, he is conceited, he is demon, he cannot excuse what he did, what he intended.


I was afraid to tell Shelby about “C” and I because I knew she wouldn’t be happy, just had that feeling. You want to talk about being dressed down, Shelby dressed me down alright, ripped me a new asshole and actually was yelling and screaming at me. No, this was not the reaction I expected at all and she is livid over my decision, she told me I was an ass to not only take him back but to marry him was stupid. I explained my reasoning for my decision and that made her even madder.

I showed her the ring and she wasn’t impressed which is shocking, she asked me why I wasn’t wearing it and I told her I just couldn’t yet because of her dad. I can’t get Bob out of my mind and I know I am making a huge mistake with “C” but that is my life, one huge mistake-just ask my mother. I do not know why I am doing the things that I am doing, there is no rhyme or reason and they do not make sense and as I think back to the last month I am wondering if I need to get my meds changed, seriously.

I have finally accepted the fact that I have been trying to replace a mother’s love but this can never happen and never will. You cannot replace what you never had and you cannot change what was only what is. I do not put blame on my mother for everything that is wrong with my life but I cannot seem to put what she has done behind me forever and that is what I need to do. Maybe when she passes, all the pain I feel will pass with her, I never had a mother I was born of a demon a hateful person that wanted a man just to take care of her and support her.

Is this why I do not want to marry again but am? Am I walking in her footsteps? What is wrong with me? Shel asked me if I was impressed with the ring “C” gave me and I told her no, she asked how big it was and I told her 5 carats but I prefer the peas and she just laughed and laughed. She told me “mom, he doesn’t know you” and she is right and she keeps telling me I am going to regret this decision in a big way and she no doubt is right. I am throwing myself under the bus because I know of no other way to let go of the man I really love and always have.

You do not have to sleep with someone or even meet them to love them, communication in any form can build a love that can be stronger than most marriages. I see so much of myself in him, which is strange but the connection is strong, stifling and scary as hell to me. I have opened up to him only to be slapped down time and time again so maybe he is just another lesson in my life, I do not know but I do know God brought us together in the strangest of ways and God has kept the connection intact no matter how much I have fought it.

Shelby told me to give “him” a chance, wtf I told her I did for the past four years and I am done. She said “but mom, he’s famous,  and he would take care of you” and I told her that I have no interest in fame and as far as taking care of me, ya right he has already taken care of my bank account and I am through. She told me I was pretty and I didn’t have to do this and I told her that of course i was pretty I was her mom, what was she going to tell me that I was ugly?

She is young and believes in forever and happily ever after and I hope she finds it because I never have.

The Truth Doesn’t Lie

You enjoy reading my erotic writings and looking at my pics but we both know the truth-I am not young enough, pretty enough, overweight, mentally ill just for starters, yes we both know the truth. You would never want to be caught dead with me and you find me to be one of embarrassment if you were to be seen with me. Yes, I know the truth and I do not fool myself and yes your first was beautiful until she let some asswipe pull her eyes to the back of her head, such a beautiful woman trying to perfect on God’s creation only to destroy it with the swipe of a knife.

I am everything you have ever wanted in a mate minus what doesn’t appeal to you and you think I don’t know it’s been you for years contacting under false names and pics? You think I don’t it’s you that has told me that I am fat and ugly? You think I do not know it’s you that spoke of my children and how I have raised them? You think I don’t know shit and I do know if I were thin you would have no problem meeting me. I have tried for years to rebuild myself and fix what is broken and it’s people like you that destroy my progress.

The people who really know me, know I am a good person, a loving person and you have used me as a pawn for years. You do not love me, never did and never will but you refuse to leave my life because you are a dreamer. A dreamer that chases financial growth only, fame and fortune are your lovers. I have asked and begged you to leave my life but you refuse and I have no idea why, you can no longer exploit me, get money from me-hell you know longer need my money and maybe just maybe you have realized that what you have done is a sin.

I don’t care if you are a billionaire, you are and always will be an asshole that paints such a stoic picture for your public. Your values I have never seen and you are not man enough to find a woman who will make you happy for yourself, no you love to buy people and flush them and you hurt people and do not care. The multiple phones are part of the game you play and if people really knew what you have done I have no doubt it would severely tarnish your fame. I thought you were different I thought you were secure enough to stand for what is important to you but you are not.

Have you ever thought what your life would be like if God did not give you the gift you were given? You would never be a billionaire or famous and you would actually have to muddy your hands with real work. I am begging you to please leave my life, forever so I can be happy but you are such a self centered fuck that cares for no one but yourself.

A Chick Chick

When I was growing up we had a chicken coop up on the hill and the yard was guarded by guineas. My grandmother would tell my sister and I to go get the eggs and every single time the rooster would attack my sister while I ran down the hill with the eggs, laughing all the way. One day we went to get the eggs and the rooster was gone, my grandmother had said if that cock attacked my sister one more time he was going to be dinner. Summers were always the best, large crocks of tea, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, veggies and ma’s apple pie.

My grandmother milked the cows, made her own butter and ice cream and she never went to the grocery for anything but paper products. Back to the cock, we sat down for dinner and had chicken and dumplings and with our belly’s full we didn’t think about the cock until my sister randomly asked where he was and my grandmother told us that he had been dinner. My sister cried and cried and all could think about is the eggs that would be saved because I would no longer have to run down the hill falling at times with eggs flying everywhere.

I love remembering those days, days of innocence and fun, pure fun under the sun. One day one of the cows went into labor and of course we were not allowed to watch. I could here her mooing and it scared me but several hours later not one but two calves were born, Margie and Bessie we named them. My heart is on a farm and that will never change, no fancy houses for this gal, no mounds of money and no wealth to wave like a flag. There isn’t a person on this earth that could give me want I really need and that is going home again.

I have tried to explain to “C” the importance of a simple life to me but he is one that loves to be noticed, he hasn’t bought a piece of clothing off the rack in years and loves his glitzy gold rolex and gold rings and bracelets. Everything he has, has been custom built or made and he will shop only at Trader Vic’s for food, in fact he doesn’t shop at all his housekeeper or whatever he calls her does. He loves to cook yet has a private chef and I seriously doubt he has ever cleaned a toilet, he travels a lot and has his “man’s man” and I think he’s a bit too  pretentious at times.

His mother interrogated me and she wanted to know all about my childhood and upbringing. I told her the truth, all of it and I felt like she would think I wasn’t good enough for her son. She totally surprised me by understanding because she had actually experienced much of what I had and she understood why I wanted to go “home” again. She had told me all about “C” and how he was raised and she told me I was the best woman he had ever brought home to meet her. We started making tortilla’s from scratch and I  so enjoyed myself.

She started telling me about “C”‘s ex wife and it was obvious she didn’t like her ex daughter in law. She asked me if I would sign a pre-nup and I looked her in the eyes and I told her money has destroyed my life and it doesn’t seduce me and as far as a pre nup I told her I insist that he have one and told her about the part being added that if he ever hit me he had to give me everything he owned. She thought that was so funny and she told me that her son never hit a woman and if he did, he would answer to her.

I also told her I do not want some big house, fancy car or fancy clothes and I just want a simple life but “C” wants the best and that bothered me. She apologized for her son and agreed that he was to flashy in many ways and she asked me if I loved her son. I had to be honest and told her no and she was shocked and asked me why I would marry him then and I told her I had no idea and this troubled her and rightly so. I confessed my feelings were all over the place and the troubles I was having currently added to my confusion.

She told me she “just loved me” and she knew I would be good to her son but she was concerned because she didn’t feel I am being good to myself and I am doing things because I feel like they are expected of me instead of following my heart. She has the gift of palm reading and she looked at my palm and told me there is a man that loves me very much but he is surrounded by fear, she told me my mother would pass soon and was very ill and she told me my son would get better, much better within the next six months.

She told me I have been surrounded by much evil and many liars and thieves and she saw Bess, my little girl I lost in 2002. She even told me I was taking a trip across water and would be gone for quite a while and I would learn much about life and myself and I must take this trip. I told her about my trip to Nigi that I just cancelled and she insisted that I rebook it and that I must go because this trip would change my life tremendously and she mentioned two men that loved me and when we met these men would change my entire life.

She talked of my daughter and how successful she was going to be and she would have one child only and two marriages. She also told me that God gave me my children to teach me and all the bad things had been lessons that would repeat until I learned them. She shocked me when she mentioned Tony, my first and only true love and she told me the reason I hadn’t found another man that made me feel like Tony had is because I just hadn’t met him yet but he was there, he was around me and thought very highly of me.

I had to stop her because I started to cry and the flood of memories was a bit much, she saw Bob’s death and told me how he died and the reason we were together is because God used me as his instrument to help Bob cross over. She told me many more very personal things that had happened in my life but the most disturbing was about Bess. Few people know of Bess and even “C” doesn’t know about her because that was a painful time and I still think of Bess every year on March 5, the day I found out I was pregnant with a little girl.

I have had so much loss in my life and I think it has to do with learning to let go and remember the good times only.

I Am Rudolph

It’s difficult when you are different, when you see what others cannot and what you feel that no one else understands. Being bipolar is constantly used against me, when in fact it’s the over abundance of emotion I have. No one wants to be seen with a “red nosed reindeer” and that reindeer is I. People are cruel so very cruel and they use your disability against you and if you are different then you are the odd one out. People fear what they do not understand and they don’t take the time to try to understand.

Bipolar disorder is hard to live with because you are constantly being judged and any outburst makes you a “bipolar boss”. It’s an illness that is a prison and the meds make you fly straight but if you are an emotional and passionate individual then it’s the bipolar not the person. People prefer to let someone else lead the pack, say what they wish they had the nerve to say or do, telling someone you are bipolar is exposing a side of yourself that will eventually be thrown in your face even by those that you love.

The individual with bipolar disorder lives in a hell that others cannot understand and most refuse to want to know about. I am a victim of multiple molestations, rape and I have always been unwanted by my own mother, these are my demons to deal with and the worse form of rejection comes from your mother. Mother’s are supposed to love their children and want to be part of their lives but not my mom, my sister was her diamond and I was her turd as was my brother. My mother beat us black and blue and hurt us so much, locking us in the basement as she had sex with other women’s husbands.

My mother wanted a man to support her and give her all the shit she wanted, material shit that isn’t helping her now. I always hated my mother discussing my personal failures with other family and friends and she tore me apart every chance she got. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough even though I was undernourished, I was never enough for her until Bob and I married. I have been told by so many that she was jealous because I had a husband and children, built a huge house, had money in the bank and she acted as if Bob gave me all of this.

When you work midnight/daylight shifts for seven days in row week after week and you get no credit for it and someone thinks your husband gave you the world on the silver platter that the other person has always wanted, it does anger and hurt you. My mother has never given me credit for a single thing I have accomplished in my life and she has always put me down and insulted me. I write about this because I am trying to understand and put the pieces together, what could I have done to have my mother hate me so? 

Now she can no longer communicate so I can understand her and I will never get the answers that I ask myself over and over. I’m not pretty but I am not visually offensive either, I have bipolar but do take my meds, I am still grieving and trying to answer the hard questions, I have a bad temper, can put a trucker in his place and I do not take shit from anyone. I am not seduced by possessions or money and I do not use people for gain but I still do not feel worthy in many areas of my life.