Ven Conmigo Level 3

Shelby is taking Spanish and she was shocked to see a picture of someone I have spoken to her about. She was so taken aback but she didn’t say anything to anybody which is kool. She is a very private person like me but she keeps her own counsel and holds everything inside. I can tell Shelby almost anything and she doesn’t brag or repeat it and that is important to me because I hate people knowing my business unless I choose to tell them. I so wish he wasn’t who he is but then we would have never crossed paths.

I do not envy him at all and sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a lost little boy, it’s hard to talk to someone on the phone and you can hear their frustration and sadness and you know they want to talk about it but don’t for the fear of being exposed. He wouldn’t change his life one bit and I can understand that and to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t change a single thing in my life because I am who I am because of what I have dealt with. I have no doubt he is happy with his life but not truly happy is it heart.

I could be wrong and it doesn’t matter if I am right or wrong because my opinion doesn’t matter and our lives are what they are. 

How She Rolls

I have had issues with my mother since I was three years old and I have been in counseling on and off since my twenties. I woke up today an accepted I will never be anything more than a loser and a failure in her eyes and my sister will always be elevated to angel status. I’m not jealous of my sister and yes I have hated my mother for years but I have to bury that shit and let it go, I realize my mother is and always has been very ill and her days are numbered and a super bowl commercial reminded of where I really belong.

I am trying to forgive myself for all the anger and hate I have carried in my heart for my mother and now I feel like shit for feeling the feelings that I have. I talked to my mom  last night and it broke my heart to hear her voice and how she couldn’t put her thoughts into sentences. I know I am going to fall apart when she passes because I have always wanted her love and acceptance and have never gotten it. It hurts so much but I have to forgive her and myself and I am so ashamed of the feelings I have carried all these years.

I haven’t been in counseling for the last two months and going to go back because I am making stupid decisions for really stupid reasons and I am my own worse enemy. I cannot move on in my life until I learn to let go of all the anger I have. People wonder why I am angry, hell they should have known me in my twenties. I was able to rebuild my relationship with my dad before he passed and I thank God for every single moment I had with my dad. Mom’s are different and mother daughter relationships are complex.

A mother can say things that we believe and our self image can so easily be destroyed, I can still hear my mother calling me a whore as if it were yesterday and it hurts. I have stunted my own personal growth by not letting go of all of this hurt but the time is now because this is the year of change and growth for me. I realized how fucked up I really am last night as I was chatting with a real person for a change and how I am going to go out with him, here I am committed to a marriage I don’t want and talking to other guys, that is totally fucked up.

There is no way I can marry “C” or anyone for that matter because I do not want to marry and I was such an ass to agree to this marriage and I honestly do not know what I was thinking. I have allowed to much shit to take residence in my brain and I am flushing it. “C” and I aren’t going anywhere fast because I got my head out of my ass and really looked at his behavior and I have only seen his negative actions once, I do fear what he is capable of and it’s time for me to fucking grow some balls again.

I feel like I have an army in my head pulling me in a thousand directions and I feel as if I am constantly walking in the dark and cannot find my way. I am making so many changes and decisions and so much things are coming at me at once and I have no one to confide in that I feel I wouldn’t be bothering. This is exactly why I need to get into counseling and sort out all of the emotions and figure out what the fuck I am doing with my life. I am to overwhelmed with everything and I am scattered because of it.

It seems every time there is a death or in my mother’s situation that I fall apart for a while and then pick myself back up. I have to be my mother’s mother and I cannot walk away from her in her condition, I just cannot do it. 

 

 

 

Write It

I have been told by several people that I should write a book about my life and I met someone last night that said it again. I think my experiences in life could help someone else but I do not consider myself a good writer or an author but I think I am able to help others and that is what my life is about.

Halo

You wear a halo, you are an angel, you are gifted and one of a kind but I do not see what the fans are screaming about, I do not know that person, that face. To me you are an angel in the heart so far apart from what the world sees, you have money and grace but you know what? You are still an ass to me and all your money has made me wonder if you do not milk bulls and run from the cows-our worlds are so far apart, the collision course I will not be on because I see a man but you see a mouse.

I am not fake, I am raw and in your face, the person I know is easy to see, with a swipe of the hand I wipe away your beauty and wealth because they mean nothing to me. Your world is made of plastic and people bow to you upon the landing, you have been used and abused in your own name and people only like you because of your fame. This is no life for me, this is no life for you and I-we are of the meadow and that is where we belong. The meadow calls me home and begs me to stay, I want to go back to the meadow someday.

You find me so fascinating because I won’t take your shit, kiss your ass or want your autograph-you dream of someone real but can’t find her anywhere-you are such an ass because I have been right here. You had been looking for me for years and finally found me but do not trust yourself enough to let yourself open up and I lost my can opener but at least I tried to open you up, I really tried.

I

bet that you milk bulls and fuck the cows, lmao did you wake up in a “happy place”? I knew it you fucker you’re the one that stole my happy place now give it the fuck back- Got a big day signing sweaty jock straps and kissing babies?The only reason you love what you do is because you are a people person in many ways and love to make other people’s dreams come true, a single swipe of your pen puts a smile on many faces and as for me you can give me your autograph on a check for the 26 grand you jacked from me and yes I have every wire transfer to prove it.

Hey want to compare tats?