I am always posting links on fb and they are rarely aimed at one person but I find it so funny that people think they are the center of my attention. I use fb to release a lot of stress. I may be thinking of my kids,dr, attorney, sister, neighbor, friends ect. I was called crank today and I just lol because I actually was cranky and irritable because I was thinking about court next week and Doris, this woman makes me ill and to keep my dad’s ashes from me is so wrong and really upsets me.
I posted a link that said something about why do I want to punch you in the face and fuck you at the same time, I thought it was so fitting for most couples because so many feel actually do feel like this about their mate. Most people don’t want to fuck they just want to punch their mate in the face, lol. I cannot imagine ever hitting someone because I have had my share of physical violence and I really do abhor it and wouldn’t ever slap a man in the face because I do not deal with my problems with violence.
I prefer to discuss my problems with another person because beating the shit out of them won’t change a thing except their coloring. I really hate arguing and I am the one that always gives in because arguing makes me so upset and I cannot sleep because I play the argument over and over in my mind. I actually give quite a bit of thought to others when they are pissed at me but there hasn’t been anyone mad at me in so long, except my son-he hates when I call him out on his manipulation but hey I have to because I am his mom and want the best for him.
He is doing great and taking college classes online at 16, next Sunday is his birthday and I think it would do him good to see Shelby and myself as it gives him incentive to do good day to day. He wants to come home so bad but I cannot let this happen, not even visits for quite sometime because he has a long way to go to win my trust back. I really like the improvement I am hearing from his doctor and I do believe the change of meds has really helped him and he has a better attitude.
I am focusing on my health and feeling better, I quit drinking pop, started working out, quit smoking weed and I don’t drink so now I am down to quitting smoking which puts me on the right track. I’m going to see my dr. tomorrow and get a new counselor and try to put my life in some type of order and clear out all of the bullshit. The biggest problem I have is wanting justice when it comes to those that have taken what is mine and my children’s, I could live a pauper the rest of my life and that would be fine as long as my kids are happy and healthy.
When I love I love deeply and will do anything that will make my loved ones happy and my kids have finally learned happiness doesn’t come in the form of a gift, it comes in the form of love and I am finally rebuilding a great relationship with both kids and we are on a different level than we were a year ago. Things have changed so much in a year and things are changing constantly but I continue to move forward in a positive direction and cutting “C” loose was the best move I have made in a long time.
All I can say about “C” is he has a violent side that I do not care for one bit and the picture incident was just the tip of his undesirable actions and I will leave it at that. When a man leaves bruises on me that is it there is no chance of ever making anything work and he did leave bruises on me and I’m through. He knew I was on blood thinners and I bruise easily but to put a stronghold on me I will not stand for and now I can see why he is divorced and I was so stupid to jump so quick but I really thought it was the only way to save my heart from “him”.
I realized how stupid my decision was when I spoke to a friend and she told me she had a friend that married for the same reasons I was going to marry “C” and she told me to get my head out of my ass and focus on myself and that is how I got into working out again and making the good choices for my health. I am focusing on me because only I can make myself happy even though it is nice to have someone to share your life with you must be happy within yourself first and foremost.