The Post

I am always posting links on fb and they are rarely aimed at one person but I find it so funny that people think they are the center of my attention. I use fb to release a lot of stress. I may be thinking of my kids,dr, attorney, sister, neighbor, friends ect. I was called crank today and I just lol because I actually was cranky and irritable because I was thinking about court next week and Doris, this woman makes me ill and to keep my dad’s ashes from me is so wrong and really upsets me.

I posted a link that said something about why do I want to punch you in the face and fuck you at the same time, I thought it was so fitting for most couples because so many feel actually do feel like this about their mate. Most people don’t want to fuck they just want to punch their mate in the face, lol. I cannot imagine ever hitting someone because I have had my share of physical violence and I really do abhor it and wouldn’t ever slap a man in the face because I do not deal with my problems with violence.

I prefer to discuss my problems with another person because beating the shit out of them won’t change a thing except their coloring. I really hate arguing and I am the one that always gives in because arguing makes me so upset and I cannot sleep because I play the argument over and over in my mind. I actually give quite a bit of thought to others when they are pissed at me but there hasn’t been anyone mad at me in so long, except my son-he hates when I call him out on his manipulation but hey I have to because I am his mom and want the best for him.

He is doing great and taking college classes online at 16, next Sunday is his birthday and I think it would do him good to see Shelby and myself as it gives him incentive to do good day to day. He wants to come home so bad but I cannot let this happen, not even visits for quite sometime because he has a long way to go to win my trust back. I really like the improvement I am hearing from his doctor and I do believe the change of meds has really helped him and he has a better attitude.

I am focusing on my health and feeling better, I quit drinking pop, started working out, quit smoking weed and I don’t drink so now I am down to quitting smoking which puts me on the right track. I’m going to see my dr. tomorrow and get a new counselor and try to put my life in some type of order and clear out all of the bullshit. The biggest problem I have is wanting justice when it comes to those that have taken what is mine and my children’s, I could live a pauper the rest of my life and that would be fine as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

When I love I love deeply and will do anything that will make my loved ones happy and my kids have finally learned happiness doesn’t come in the form of a gift, it comes in the form of love and I am finally rebuilding a great relationship with both kids and we are on a different level than we were a year ago. Things have changed so much in a year and things are changing constantly but I continue to move forward in a positive direction and cutting “C” loose was the best move I have made in a long time.

All I can say about “C” is he has a violent side that I do not care for one bit and the picture incident was just the tip of his undesirable actions and I will leave it at that. When a man leaves bruises on me that is it there is no chance of ever making anything work and he did leave bruises on me and I’m through. He knew I was on blood thinners and I bruise easily but to put a stronghold on me I will not stand for and now I can see why he is divorced and I was so stupid to jump so quick but I really thought it was the only way to save my heart from “him”. 

I realized how stupid my decision was when I spoke to a friend and she told me she had a friend that married for the same reasons I was going to marry “C” and she told me to get my head out of my ass and focus on myself and that is how I got into working out again and making the good choices for my health. I am focusing on me because only I can make myself happy even though it is nice to have someone to share your life with you must be happy within yourself first and foremost.

The First Mile

Today I walked my first full mile on the treadmill, it took 21 minutes but I didn’t give up I kept going which wasn’t easy. I have got to get my weight under control because as I get older my body is breaking down and I do not want to be a diabetic. I want to be healthy and feel better and I know exercising will make me feel better all the way around and I want to live longer as well. Getting fit physically also helps me mentally and it fights depression and my life has been pretty damn depressing the last five years.

Once I get a week of a mile each day behind me I can continue on because it will become part of my daily routine and I can build stamina and add incline eventually. I can’t wait for it to get warm enough to walk outside and I am determined to get fit once again. It’s not easy to get into a good routine but once you put your mind to it you can really be successful. It’s hard walking when you have a bad back and have several knee surgery’s but it can be done and it’s all up to me to do it.

I do not work out to lose weight to please anyone and I am more concerned with osteoporosis and how I have no energy and do not sleep well. Being menopausal is another problem because the body holds onto fat like it’s a life saver and we tend to gain weight during this times of our lives. I know women that have gained 50 lbs. during menopause and I eat less than a bird and still continue to gain weight and it pisses me off. I eat healthy and I love ice cream but I only eat several spoon fulls and put it away.

I tend to eat veggies a lot and one would think I would be skinny but I am not but will be healthier in three months.I wear a wifebeater and my zaggora workout clothing over it and it makes me sweat like crazy, which is good because I am sweating out the impurities in my system and I actually feel better today than I have in a while. The first week you work out you tend to be tired after you workout but that will pass and the energy level will rise. I walked on Monday for .60 of a mile and fell asleep that afternoon, lol.

Yesterday I didn’t work out at all, I was just so tired and mentally worn but I have yet to give up and that makes me happy. My weight has gotten to the point that I refuse to buy new clothes and will have to lose some of this ass and get into the clothes I have. I figure if big Rick can do it every day then I can to. The last time I was intimate with my treadmill I got up to 3 miles in 1/2 half hour and it is hopefully a goal I can do once again but I am not going to hate myself if I don’t.

When Bob and I were together I lost 30 lbs. in three months and he started putting me down and told me I looked like shit when I knew I looked so much better but his constant insults tore down my self esteem. Looking back Bob didn’t want me to look good and have other men look at me because of his own insecurities. His x-wife insists that he cheated on her and I think he was always afraid that I would cheat on him but I never did and didn’t even think about it. I’m looking forward to taking new pics down the road with my lingerie.

I have decided to rebook my trip and go to Nigeria for a month but I am going to wait until court is over next week because I want to know for sure that it’s behind me. It has actually worked out for the best because Shelby and I need to go to U of D on April 14 and that is so important and the trip can be put off another week. Frankie says he will meet me at the airport but I am concerned he won’t show up and that could leave me in a bad situation considering the country I am visiting.

I do hope Frankie doesn’t tattoo his bottom lip pink because that is the current craze in Nigeria and it looks terrible  and it is nothing but a fad that is tacky at best.